So today I'm hanging out with Ueno-chan and her friends. But, as you've probably come to expect from me, I don't know whether or not I should go. I'm nervous that I won't fit in. In fact, I'm certain I won't fit in. I don't know if I can do this. As I'm debating this, I stand near the main entrance to the school. Students are flowing out in a near continuous stream. I can see Ueno-chan and her friends standing by the gate. They look like nice people. And yet, I still can't bring myself to go walk over to them. I'm so scared, and it would be so easy to just walk away and pretend it never happened. Maybe I should. Maybe that would be best for everyone. I mean, they're not going to want to hang out with someone like me, right?
I take a step away, turning to leave and sneak away into the crowd. It was probably just a trick of the light, but I thought I saw Sei-chan in the crowd staring at me. No, if it was really him, observing would be the correct word. I look through the crowd, but I can't find him. Yeah, he wasn't really there was he? But it made me think, what would Sei-chan do in this situation? That's a question that's pretty easy. At the very least, he definitely wouldn't walk away like I was about to. No, Sei-chan would walk straight in, and immediately make himself the centre of attention. But I can't do that. There's no way I could do that. But I guess it couldn't hurt to at least try and talk to them. Maybe I can't be the centre of everything, but I can still at least hold a conversation.
So I look down at the ground, and breathe in. When I breathe out, the air reverberates along my throat, racked with nervousness. But I do feel slightly better, like at least some of the weight has been taken off my shoulders. What's the worst that can happen? I mean, they're friends with someone as kind as Ueno-chan. There isn't anything I need to worry about. Probably.
So I put on a brave smile, as some might say, and walk towards that group of people that will hopefully be my friends.
My knees feel weak and unsteady as I approach. A voice in the back of my head speaks to me, it's not too late to turn back now, is it? And I very much want to listen to that voice. I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid. My step falters, and my face contorts. I feel like I might cry, although I couldn't tell you why I would be crying.
But then Ueno-chan notices me. There's no backing out now. That feeling fills me with dread for a moment, but then Ueno-chan's smile saves me. I'm sure that sounds weird but it's true. Without that small reassuring smile, I think I would've turned around, right there and then. I think I love her. As a friend, of course. She is irreplaceable to me. Without her, even with all of Sei-chan's poking and prodding, his manipulations, and his games, I can't imagine a scenario where I would willingly spend my lunchtimes with other people. She has been… integral to my change, I suppose you could say.
Ueno-chan walked over to me flashing that bright, warming and welcoming, smile at me, and all my nerves went away, to put it lightly. In fact, I actually felt heartened and encouraged to go into this, and enjoy myself as much as possible. God, that sounded lame. Sorry, I'll try not to let that happen again. I got a little over excited. I mean, would you blame me? I don't think I've been out somewhere with other human beings for years.
"I was getting worried that you weren't going to show up," Ueno-chan spoke, still smiling brilliantly. She had walked over to me while I was in the middle of thought.
"So was I," I replied, which might not have been the best thing to say but was the only thing I could think of in the current moment.
Ueno-chan's friends were following up behind her. There were two guys and a girl. Starting from the left, there was a tall guy with a shock of orange hair. Not dyed orange, but a naturally brighter colour. Perhaps rust would be a better description. Next along was a girl with long hair, falling well past her shoulders. She had naturally dark skin compared to the others, and very circular eyes. The other guy was rather squat, and had strange curly hair, and his gait was a bit funny when he walked. He wore glasses, and was, well, fat. Sorry, I feel bad for thinking that about him, but… yeah. I suppose you could say honesty is a virtue.
"Hey, Yasuraoka-san was it?" the tall guy with rusty-ish hair was talking, "I'm Yamagami-san," he trailed off a bit, but it seemed like he was going to say something more. I realised I was looking at him weirdly. I wonder if I was looking at him like that since he started talking, or when he trailed off. Both seemed equally realistic to me. I mean, I found it kind of weird when he started talking to me like that. Maybe that's normal, but not for me. For reasons you should already know.
But perhaps this was the ordinary, because the others took off from his lead, introducing themselves with much zeal and excitement, and saying stuff like 'Ueno-chan has told us a lot about you', or asking questions like 'where'd you go to junior high?' After some conversation, that you might be shocked to learn I participated in, we started walking down the street. Despite myself, I actually found the conversation exciting, even though I imagine it would probably seem like a boring and tedious, and extremely average conversation to most other people. Okay, I know, I know, stop looking at me like that. I'm just as surprised that I'm enjoying myself as you. There I said it. I'm enjoying myself. Apart from those few seconds right at the start, there wasn't any real awkwardness. I just… kind of felt like I belonged somewhere. And excuse me for being excited about that, I mean, I haven't felt like that anywhere. Well, anywhere with other people around. Even Sei-chan doesn't give me this. When I was around with him, it always felt like I didn't quite belong in his crazy world. The world of Sei-chan wasn't mine. I couldn't just walk beside him, wearing a mask the same as him, hiding who I really am to survive. I tried that once. And it broke me. I couldn't keep my mask on, so I left. So no, I can't be in the same world as Sei-chan. But this, this works for me. It feels like I fit in here. I can talk so naturally to everyone. This is… fun.
So we wander along the streets for the bit. Asahina-san, the girl with long hair, recognising where we were, told us about a nearby bowling place we could go to. Between bowling and the ever increasing cold of a harsh December wind, we all were in agreement. Bowling was surprisingly fun. Ueno-chan ordered chips for everyone from the minibar. None of us could claim to have any talent at bowling whatsoever, but that only made the whole experience more entertaining. The amount of gutter balls that Ukita-san managed was quite impressive, and the cause of much laughter. We lost track of time in there, must have been hours.
Afterwards there was talk of going to see a movie. I still had enough money for a ticket, so I was fine with it. If you want to know how I got the money for this, you might want to ask my mother. She might have noticed the change of weight in her wallet. I'm sure that'll be just another thing for my parents to complain about. Now I'm feeling angry. It pisses me off how we just pretend everything is okay and never talk to each other about it. I hate it. I hate her. I hate my dad. I hate my sister. I hate them all.
"Hey, you alright Yasuraoka-san?"
It was Asahina-san. She looked somewhat concerned. I must've been showing my anger on my face. My stomach lurches, and I feel dizzy all of a sudden.
I smile, "no, no problem. Just thinking."
We decided to stop at a supermarket along the way to the cinema. It was on our way, and we were getting pretty hungry. The last time I checked my phone it was four. So I splashed out on some cheap soda and lollies. Yeah, I know. Not exactly the food to eat if I'm complaining about being hungry.
So after a somewhat extended stop at the supermarket, we continued on our trek towards the cinema. My feet were feeling quite sore and tired. At some point I found myself alone at the back with Yama… ahh, the guy with rusty hair. I hadn't talked to him much after the weird start. I wonder if I should apologise for it. No, thinking back it was nothing. Surely I shouldn't apologise for something as meaningless as that right? Well at the very least I don't think I need to. But what I think isn't necessarily what anyone else might think.
"You know, I went to the same junior high as you."
It took me a moment to register he was speaking. The same junior high as me?
"Huh, small world I guess."
I don't really know what else to say. Maybe I should ask for his name. But that might seem a bit rude, considering he already told me. What would Sei-chan do? He'd probably come up with some smooth line that would make it seem natural he'd forgotten the name, and in a way that wouldn't appear rude. Oh got it!
"Sorry I'm not very good with names. Was it… Yamaha-san?"
He laughed, properly like he actually found it somewhat funny, "Yamagami-san, that's my name."
"I see."
We carried on in awkward silence for a little while longer. It seemed somewhat calming, and I think I would've preferred it if he continued to stay quiet. I don't want to talk about my old school. Even if he was someone who never talked to me, if he knows what I was like back then… I don't want to talk about it.
"You don't remember me, do you?"
I look over at him.
"No, sorry I don't. Did we used to hang out, or something?"
"Yeah, I used to be in that same group. You know, with Yucchi, Asaka-san, and all of them."
The names he said sounded vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place a face to any of them. But because I recognised the names it made me curious. For the first time, I actually thought about what it must have felt like for the people I left behind. I mean, I'd thought about it before, but I had always just assumed they thought I didn't belong. That that had been a mutual feeling that all of us felt. That it was right that I had left them, and stopped hanging out with them. Because they didn't like me. At least that's what I always thought.
"Were you still in the group? You know, when I left?"
He looked over at me, "yeah, I was still in then."
"What was it like for all of you?"
There was a pause. I looked towards him, in his face. He had a pained expression across his face. I suppose a grimace.
"Some of them didn't think about you at all. No one talked about it to the whole group. You were kind of a taboo subject. Asaka-san decided we weren't talking about it, so of course everyone went along with that. You know what it was like."
I nod. When one of those higher up the tree decided something, everyone went along with it, simply because they had to too keep their own perch among the branches. It was sickening.
"I think it shocked some of us. I mean, I don't think anyone expected you of all people to just up and leave us."
You of all people? I guess I was quite high up the tree, thinking back. Couldn't tell you exactly how high, but I was definitely not in among the roots.
"What about you? How did you leave?"
Yamagami-san shrugged his shoulders, "I dunno, I entered high school, met new people, and started drifting away. It was definitely less dramatic than how you left."
That doesn't surprise me. The boys were always somewhat more forgiving than the girls. So it isn't surprising that he got away without any real hassle. Lucky. He's probably even still on good terms with some of them from what it sounds like. No, he is certainly still on good terms with them, very much so. There would be some more pain in recalling how I left otherwise. I mean, he still remembers their names. If things had ended badly, he definitely would have a harder time thinking back on it than he otherwise would. Lucky for him.
The movie we watched ended up being some kind of action movie, with a really shitty underdeveloped romance side plot. That felt terrible to watch. It was pretty poorly written. At least we didn't waste money on food at the cinema, the prices were ridiculous. Going to the supermarket first was a good call. I sat between Ueno-chan and Yamagami-san for the duration of the movie. It felt good not sitting awkwardly on the end next to Ueno-chan as I had kind of been expected, but it made me feel sorry for Ueno-chan, who ended up being the one sitting on the end in my place. Honestly, she's just too kind to other people.
After the movie, it was already well and truly dark. Yamagami-san had to leave, apparently had homework to do and a part-time job starting early in the morning, but the rest of us were invited back to Ukita-san's place. It seemed a bit weird to me for a guy to invite three girls to his house with no other guys, but then again Ukita-san gave off a feminine vibe, which the others didn't even seem to notice. I would like to think the only reason I notice is because I'm not used to it, and not because I'm homophobic. Well, I don't think I'm homophobic, considering I find other girls attractive sometimes. Before we get too of topic, the point was Ukita-san is probably gay, or at least bisexual. But from listening to the whispers and gossips I pick up from shadowing Sei-chan, at least half the school is bisexual, so I shouldn't be that surprised.
We ended up watching some old movies. Once again, I lost track of time. Actually that's a lie. I was acutely aware of how late it was the entire time, but I was fine with not going home at all. In fact Ueno-chan even brought it up, asking if it was fine with my parents for me to be staying out this late. I more or less just shrugged, and said they would be fine with it. I don't think I was very convincing, because Ueno-chan gave me a somewhat suspicious look, but she accepted it nonetheless. I had thought that we would get told to pack it up at some point, but Ukita-san's parents seemed to be completely fine with us staying up as late as possible. They didn't seem at all concerned, and didn't tell us to quite down even after they went to bed. I wish my parents were that accommodating. I don't think they ever were, even back when I still talked to them, and wasn't considered a disappointment.
I guess I must have dozed off at some point. The last I remember, it was about one in the morning, but now it is bright even with the curtains closed. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I mean, normally I would be able to stay awake all night, considering I'm practically asleep at school, but I also don't normally spend hours walking around after school. And I guess I've been awake more at school, talking with Ueno-chan, and spending lunch breaks with Sei-chan. If all of this wasn't enough to make it obvious that I'd dosed off, I was laid back rather uncomfortably in the same seat on the couch I had been last night. My neck and back were both rather sore from the lack of support, and odd angles they had been set at all night. Still dazed I tried to stand up. My head spun. Dizzy. Circles. My foot hurts. I think I kicked the table. I drop back down into the couch, but I miss and hit the armrest. An anguished moan escapes my mouth.
I here someone walk into the room behind me.
"You awake, Yasuraoka-san?"
I think it is Asahina-san.
"Yeah, just give me a moment… what's the time?"
"About nine."
Ah. My parents probably aren't very happy with me right now. Oh, who cares? They're never happy with me anyway. I stay seated, gathering myself first so that I don't whack into something again.
"Come through when you're ready."
Yeah, that definitely is Asahina-san. I guess that means me her, me, and Ueno-chan stayed the night at Ukita-san's place. That still seems slightly weird to me, considering we're all girls and Ukita-san is a guy. The next time I stand up, my head is clearer and I can walk in a straight line, so that's a good start. I make my way back through the entranceway that Asahina-san must have come out of. If I remember correctly, this leads through to a dining table and kitchen. The morning sun glare is even worse with the curtains, causing me to squint. Once I've recovered, I walk over to the table. Ukita-san, Asahina-san, and Ukita-san's dad, are all sat around the table. There is a stack of pancakes sitting on a plate in the middle of the table. Settled around the pancakes are an assortment of other foods. Syrup, strawberry, banana, and sugar. To me, who has been eating nothing but store bought cereal and occasionally a noodle bowl for… years, this is somewhat of a treat for breakfast. It makes me happy.
After greeting the others, I sit down. Only then do I notice someone is missing.
"Where's Ueno-chan?"
"Oh, Ueno-san went home after you fell asleep last night," Asahina-san replied, "I thought I should stay because I live further away, and it would've been weird for you to wake up here with only Ukita-san and his dad."
"Thank you, for staying I mean."
"No problem."
The others return to eating their breakfast in silence. Come to think of it, Ukita-san's mother isn't here either. Maybe she wasn't here last night either. I can't remember seeing her. But nevermind that, I'm not going to ask an awkward question like that, and I'm famished. I mean, I haven't had a proper meal in more than 24 hours. Yeah, I didn't have lunch after school, and we never had a meal in the evening either. Just snacks.
So we all continue eating, and as the others are just as starved as me, in complete silence. The pancakes taste really good. But I couldn't tell you if that's because of how hungry I am, because I haven't had a warm breakfast for a long time, or if they are tasty. Sei-chan would probably say something like, 'if they taste good to you, then the truth is that they taste good'. I can never decide whether I find his weird philosophical spin on just about everything annoying or cute. Well, Sei-chan can't really be considered cute, so it must be the former.
"Hey Yasuraoka-san, was it?"
"Yes?"
"Shouldn't you text your parents to get them to pick you up, or I could drop you off if you like."
I turn down Ukita-san's dad's offer, "no, it's fine. I'll walk home from here."
I should really find out his name. Saying 'Ukita-san's dad' in my head every time is just painfully awkward. But, back to the point, I turn his offer down. I don't want him to meet my parents, because then it'll become clear that I didn't get their permission to come here, let alone stay the night, or tell them where I was in the first, or take money from my mother's wallet. Hmm, I'm really not looking forward to this conversation when I get home. The other more important reason I turned down his offer though is simply that the longer away from home, the more time I don't have to be in that stagnant place, with the heavy aura around it. Calling that place home makes me feel sick.