I'm moving along the footpath. I'm not walking. I'm not running. In fact, if anything I'm being dragged along. I'm too tired to walk, and I can't really keep my eyes open. But that doesn't seem to matter, because I'm being dragged to school. By Sei-chan. Now that I think about that, won't this look rather strange when we get to school? I can't quite imagine Sei-chan would want to do something that would attract misunderstanding like that. In fact, he probably thinks it is bad enough that we are walking, if you can call it that, to school together. I wonder if Sei-chan does think that that is problematic. And if so, I wonder if it is just with me that he would have a problem with it. No, Sei-chan wouldn't think like that. If it is a problem with one person, it is a problem with everyone. I'm sure that is how he would think.
Even though I say I am very tired, the effort of having to almost run to school whilst Sei-chan holds onto my hand and drags me forward, is making me more aware of my surroundings, if not waking me up. I'm starting to recognise some of the streets, so I guess we must be getting close to school now. Then we've probably been 'walking' for at least twenty minutes.
"We're here."
Sei-chan speaks, making me think for a moment we are somehow already at school. But no, of course we aren't. I didn't manage to sleep while walking for the last ten minutes of the journey. That isn't something I could manage, even as the heavy sleeper I am. Where 'here' is, turns out to be a street that I vaguely remember. There is a small amount of shops clustered about midway down the street, where we are. Some I can instantly tell what they are. I can see a hair salon, a bakery, and a clothes store, among others I'm not so certain about. To be honest, I have no clue why we are here. It might irk Sei-chan if I was to ask, since he dislikes when people ask questions that seem obvious to him, but I'm too tired to care about that.
"Why are we here?"
Sei-chan looks over at me, and sighs slightly, "I always get lunch here. You didn't make yourself a lunch or anything either, right?"
Come to think of it, I didn't. Although I hadn't realised until just now. And I'm actually quite hungry right now, but I don't think Sei-chan would appreciate it if I said. So, I'll just go along with it for now, because it sounds like he might offer me a free lunch.
"No, I don't have a lunch."
"Thought so," Sei-chan replies.
I wait for him to continue, "so, what do you want? There is a bakery and a fast food place here."
I'm still half asleep, but I believe Sei-chan offered me the choice between a bakery and a ramen restaurant. Would a ramen restaurant really do takeout like that? I don't know. Maybe I misheard him. So, I guess I'll have to go with the option that I'm slightly more certain he did say.
"I'd prefer the bakery. Are you sure it's okay for me to choose?"
"Yeah, it is fine. I come here every morning, and it is not like I go to a certain place each day, so it does not matter."
I don't know if other people who don't know him as well would have picked up on it, but I can tell from Sei-chan's voice that he does indeed do just that. Normally he would just say so to me about something this trivial. In fact, it feels like he has been acting slightly different than he usually does ever since… well, I guess ever since I first came to his house. I wonder if I did something, or even worse said something, that I don't remember. What would cause Sei-chan to act like this? I mean, we're talking about the guy whose composure is incredible. It doesn't make sense for him to be acting out so clearly like this. He's usually very good at hiding how he really feels, what he truly thinks, even from me. This is actually making me feel worried. I have no clue what would cause Sei-chan to act like this. I don't think I've ever seen him act like this. Usually he has everything thought out and planned, beyond what anyone else would be capable of. You might think I'm joking, but the Sei-chan I know probably would've realised that I'm not a morning person, in fact I've probably told him that I'm not, and would've woken me up earlier. That's just how incredible he is, when it comes to determining what other people are capable of. But, something just seems off about him today. I wonder why.
We leave the bakery with our lunches' in our bags. The man at the counter recognised Sei-chan, and talked with him a little bit. I didn't pay any attention to what was said. I guess it isn't surprising, and maybe not even noteworthy considering Sei-chan comes here quite often, but it just struck me again how Sei-chan has such a wide network of people he knows. Quite the opposite of me. It seems obvious when you put it like that, that Sei-chan is not someone who can be with someone like me. I'm a recluse, he's a star. When you look at him, you know that he will go on to do something important, somewhere far away. It seems silly that he talks to me, in fact that he even acknowledges my existence.
But that is also why I love him. He's willing to waste his time, which is much more important than mine, being with me. And even though I understand that it is to do with him wanting to gain as great an understanding as possible, and have a point of view influenced by every corner of society, there is a part of me that knows that he enjoys the time he spends with me. I can't decide whether to trust it or not though. It seems pretty likely to me, that that part of me is just some unfounded hope I have. Of course, I know that he looks at me differently to everyone else. When he smiles at me, it is different. When he listens to me, he actually hears everything I say. But I don't know what that means. Am I just slightly more interesting than everyone else, or am I someone special to him? It is impossible to know for certain which it is, with someone like Sei-chan who can hide how he really feels, when he feels anything, without any unnatural movement. So, I guess that means I can't ever be with him. He's someone who would only get dragged down by someone like me, even if he did feel that way. I wouldn't want to get in his way like that. But there is no point thinking like that, because he would never feel that way anyway. So I'm just going to pretend that I never thought about this, and just savour the time that I get to spend with him now. After all, this will be our last few months together. In fact, I don't know if I'll bother going back to school following Christmas. It isn't like I want to go to college, not that I can at this point. So, if this is to be my last few months, even weeks, being beside him, I don't want to ruin any of it.
After we've walked a little way down the street, Sei-chan realises I'm lagging behind again.
"We are not going to make it to school if you walk like that, you know?"
I sigh. I don't want to walk faster. I don't know if I'm awake enough to walk faster. And besides, I'm still not sure what I should tell Ueno-chan and the others about the last few days, if anything.
"You walk faster than most people."
That's all I can come up with, hopefully that convinces him to slow down and let me walk at my own pace.
He looks exasperated, "of course I do. When you live that far away from school, it becomes second nature to walk that fast."
Sei-chan looks somewhat pained. I'm not sure why. For him, surely this is obvious: either he forces me to walk at his pace, and we get to school on time, or we both walk at our own pace, and I get left behind. I hope it isn't that latter. I don't know the way to school from here, and I won't be fast enough to follow Sei-chan the whole time. I think I could make it back to Sei-chan's house. I have a decent enough memory, even if I was half-asleep, of all the roads and turns we took on our way here. On second thought, maybe it would be better if it was the latter. Then I wouldn't have to go to school.
"Fine, I guess I will slow down a little bit."
"Huh?"
That… wasn't what I was expecting. But then again, Sei-chan does compromise a lot, so I guess this makes some sense in that regard. He doesn't normally act like this, though. I know I said it earlier, but there is something different about him at the moment. What exactly, I could not tell you, but he seems less assertive than normal. Not much, but noticeable for someone who spends a lot of time with him.
"Come on then," Sei-chan starts walking. I can't tell if he is actually going slower or not. But I decide to follow him.
With our slightly slower pace, if it indeed was slower, I'm still not sure, we managed to make it to school as the bell rang. In fact, I even made it to class at a normal time for me, a few minutes after the bell. As soon as I get in the classroom however, my exhaustion hits me. I all but collapse on my desk. It would be fine if I go to sleep. My teachers all know I pay no attention in class, so it isn't like I'll be called up on it. It would feel a lot better if I had had a coffee. But I guess for now, I'll just have to accept that I won't be able to do anything in class for most of the day.
I hear Ueno-chan make a noise beside me. Maybe she is laughing, I'm not quite sure. Oh, that's right. I never told Sei-chan about how Saturday went. Knowing him, he probably already knows one way or another. So I guess I don't need to tell him. I guess I'll go to sleep now.
I'm shaken awake at some point. By who? Ueno-chan. She looks at me concerned. I guess we're not in class at the moment, or rather we are between periods. Normally Ueno-chan doesn't care too much when I sleep or stare out the window, so I wonder what has brought this on. I mean, even after we became friends, she just let me do my own thing in class. After all, she does focus quite hard in class, at least compared to me anyway. So that makes me wonder what about today is different. I feel really drowsy, and my head spins like crazy when I raise it off my desk. But I ask her all the same.
"What's wrong?"
That seems like a reasonable question to ask when she looks at me like that. She looks extremely concerned, but I don't know why. Or maybe I should know, but I'm too tired to really think it through.
"What do you mean? You haven't been to school for three days, and when you finally show up, you fall completely asleep. And you look like you've been running or something."
Ah, that just might be it. To be honest, I would have thought Sei-chan would have told Ueno-chan at least some of what is going on. At least that I'm safe or something. But I guess he didn't. Maybe because he didn't want to explain why I was staying at his house. I guess that would lead to an awkward conversation, and he probably wouldn't want anyone, even someone like Ueno-chan, to know I was staying at his place.
"Ohh… uh, I just woke up a bit suddenly today, and didn't get ready properly. But I felt like I should try going to school again."
Ueno-chan stares at me, "you know, you're not very good at lying."
I avert my gaze, and look down at the floor. I don't know what else to do. It feels like there is a bit of a heavy atmosphere hanging over us. It only lasts for a few seconds though. I hear Ueno-chan sigh deeply from above me.
"Fine, you don't have to tell me, but you are okay now?"
I look back up at her. To be honest, I don't think I am okay, but I think I am infinitely better off than I was on Sunday. But I feel I shouldn't just say I am okay now. Because I'm not. And she wants the truth. And maybe she deserves it. After all, I feel guilty at the moment for some reason, so I suppose I should be truthful.
"I don't know if I'd say okay, but I'm better now."
Ueno-chan smiles. I think she is satisfied with my answer, but she still looks worried. I guess she still wants to know what happened, and where I am now, but I think she accepts that I won't tell her right now.
"Okay, I guess I'll accept that. But let me know if you need help."
"I will. Thank you."
Now awakened, well I'm still a bit tired, but I can't go back to sleep, I guess I'll pay a bit more attention in class. I have a look around at my classmates' desks to try and work out what class we have. French. All my enthusiasm vanishes. I think I'll just daydream, and look out the window after all.
Classes pass by rather quickly. Well, they do for me at least. To be honest, I probably was half asleep in all of my classes. But it probably didn't go as quickly for my classmates. After all, they have important tests coming up shortly after the winter break. They're probably all studying really hard for those tests. And what am I doing? I still haven't found any direction in my life, or any real meaning to it. I don't know what I'll do once school ends. At that point, I'll probably have left Sei-chan's house, and I doubt I'll ever see him again. I mean, what reason will he have to talk to me, to keep me around at all? If I still haven't found any reason, or any motivation, then I have failed as his experiment, right? All the other people I have met who Sei-chan did this to, have some purpose, or life changing experience that can be attributed to Sei-chan, and what he did for them. But I don't have anything. He has put way more time into me than anyone else, and yet I have nothing to show for it. I have completely failed him.
And yet, he is still spending his time with me. Even as I think of how wasteful it is for someone like him to spend such a precious thing on me, he does it. So maybe I do still hold some value for him, or rather he still says some potential for me to grow or improve. I don't know what potential I have, but Sei-chan obviously sees something. There would be no reason for him to still stay around me otherwise. That's just his nature.
At lunch I hung out with him again. It has become almost second nature to head to his classroom when the bell ending fourth period rings, even if it has been five days since I was last at school. We didn't do anything special, in fact it almost seemed like everything was back to how it had been a week ago. Sei-chan had stopped acting strangely, which relieved some of my anxieties. If anything, the one difference was that we didn't talk to Shimotsuka, I think that may have been her name, at all. In fact, I don't think I saw her at all. No one talked about her being away from school or anything either. Maybe she isn't friends with these people anymore. That wouldn't surprise me. I know what these kinds of people are like, they throw away anyone they don't like, and if the outcast sticks around anyway, it just turns into bullying. So, I guess Shimotsuka did something wrong, or something that they didn't like at the very least. But she was one of them quite clearly, so it is more likely that some secret of hers got exposed, rather than something she did. Somehow that seems like something Sei-chan would be responsible for. He does scare me sometimes.
Afternoon classes continued much of the same way. I felt awake enough that I could've payed attention, but since I haven't been listening all year, I couldn't even tell you what topic was being talked about in history, and math is more or less the same. So instead, I stare out the window. It starts raining, slow at first but within minutes it is falling thick and fast. I hope Sei-chan has an umbrella, because I certainly don't. That would also mean I get to walk home with Sei-chan. Well, I was probably going to have to anyway, considering I don't remember most, if any, of the route we took to school. The closest I can get, is a vague almost primal instinct of the direction we came from, and I know which gate we entered from.
My mind wanders off completely at some point, and so it comes as a surprise to me when the bell for the end of sixth period rings. That's right, I have to find Sei-chan so that we can walk to his house together. Because I don't remember the way. As a Thursday, I believe Sei-chan probably has basketball practice after school today. In fact, I'm confident he has it every day but Wednesday and Saturday. Well, and Friday and Sunday, but Friday he has a game, and Sunday is the weekend, so it is to be expected. Sei-chan as the captain and coach of the team, normally asks to leave class early to set up for his team's practices. And he always gets permission. After all, Sei-chan is naturally persuasive, even without the fact that he is the top student in the school. So, that means Sei-chan will already be at the gymnasium right now. I don't really want to watch a basketball practice, but it is raining so there isn't really anywhere else I could go in the meantime. And besides, I don't know when the practice ends, so it might be better if I don't wander off.
Ueno-chan says goodbye to me on my way out of the classroom, and I raise my hand slightly in acknowledgement. I don't really want to walk with her, because it would seem weird if I go to the gym after school, since I don't do any after school activities. It would also be weird to walk right behind, especially since she would definitely start talking to me as soon as she notices. So, I guess I'll wait here for a little while, and then go to the gym. Is it funnier that I'm putting so much thought into something meaningless like this, or simply how awkward I am being? Both ways of looking at it make me feel pretty stupid.
I should probably get going now, I guess it has been a minute or two, and even the other kids who stayed in class to chat for a little are beginning to leave. Since I'm already standing up, I start walking towards the door, even as I'm still processing this thought.
"Uh… Yasuraoka, don't leave yet. I have to talk to you before you go."
It takes me a little while to realise who's talking to me. I think it's my homeroom teacher. I turn around to face the front of the class, and there is my teacher looking over at me. Seeing that I've acknowledged that he talked to me, he returns to his conversation with one of the other students.
What now? I could definitely leave if I wanted to. He isn't paying me any attention, so it would be very possible to slip away unnoticed. In fact, I am about to do that when I remember that I'm probably going to be staying on school grounds for another hour or two, it might be best not to in case he catches me again. So I guess I have to do as he's suggesting, otherwise it might just cause more trouble anyway. The only problem I have is that he probably won't have anything interesting to say. If anything, he will probably give me a reminder to get serious or something, since we're supposed to be studying furiously for our end of year exams by now. I've long since given up on school though, so his words, and his time are wasted on me by this point.
I wait for my teacher, as his conversation with the other student seems to drag on for a while. I'm really considering leaving, but it would be way to obvious now. The only people left in the classroom are myself, my teacher, and the other student he is talking to. Out of habit, I take to staring out the window as I wait for their conversation to end. I find myself looking out towards the gym. From my classroom, you can only see a limited amount of the gymnasium, not that it matters anyway, since with the doors closed you can't see inside. By now I imagine Sei-chan's practice is probably beginning. I'm still thinking I'll probably head over there once I'm done here. Well obviously, since I need Sei-chan to get back to his house.
The squeak of a shoe turning on the spot, snaps me back into the classroom. The other student, smiles at me as she walks out. I don't smile back. I walk up to take her spot standing in front of my teacher, and look expectantly at him. My teacher looks back at me, he seems somewhat unsure of exactly how to say what he wants to. He finally seems to settle on what he wants to say. All the while, I find this somewhat troubling. I thought this was just going to be me getting berated for my lack-lustre work ethic, but from how he is acting, perhaps it is something different. If it was what I had originally believed this conversation was going to be about, he wouldn't have had to pause to think about what he is going to say like this. After all, we've already had that conversation multiple times throughout the last year.
"As your homeroom teacher, I have to ask what you were doing for the last three days of school?"
Oh right, he also might want to talk about that. I can't believe I didn't realise this would be what he wants to talk about, maybe I really am an idiot. But more importantly, what do I say now? I haven't prepared for this at all. I don't have some excuse ready to go, like Sei-chan would. In fact, if I'd thought about it this morning, Sei-chan would probably have come up with an excuse for me. But right now, I don't have time to try and think up some believable excuse. I also can't exactly tell my teacher that it is none of his business, so I need to say something. My head is spinning too much for this. I can't think up any excuse that sounds believable in my head, so I just keep silent, and tilt my head down towards the floor.
My teacher quickly moves on the conversation, realising I have nothing to defend myself with, "I'm asking you, because your parents would also like to know where you have been this week."
In that moment, whatever illusion of liberty and freedom I thought I had gained, disappeared. I was reminded that my parents still have control over my life. They pay for my education, until Sunday they fed me, and they clothed me. Nearly everything I took with me to Sei-chan's house, was given to me by then. It all seems like a joke, or rather a waste of effort now. They have complete control over my life, even after I ran away. Even after my years of ignoring them, and all but living a separate life, that whole time they controlled me, and I was too blind, or too ignorant to realise it. I just pretended that by living a separate life from them, I had gained at least some level of independence, but that was a lie. Even now, when I no longer even live in the same house, they still hold control over huge parts of my everyday life.
That makes me angry, no furious. How is that fair? The short answer is, it isn't. But in perspective, it is simply how the world works. Everywhere you go, from communist China to authoritarian England, there is always something watching over you, controlling you. But why should it be like that? It doesn't have to be, does it? Surely there exists a true sense of the word freedom somewhere, otherwise how would people have a concept of what it is in the first place?
But there is no such place. Only fools believe in idealistic fantasies. That's what Sei-chan would say, and I cannot think of an argument for that. Such a place as I described would be overrun with corruption, quick enough that it would be as if it never existed in the first place. No perfect and ideal world will ever exist, because not everyone has the same definition of ideal, and as we get closer to our ideal, we will never find it to be perfect. There will always be an improvement to be made, an adjustment to be attended to.
Getting back to the point, I'm angry. I'm angry that my parents have such a large amount of power and leverage over my life. It makes me blind. Even if I can think about how unfair this is, it doesn't get me any closer to answering my teacher. What do I say? What can I say? I don't know how to answer. I can't say that I'm staying at Sei-chan's house, so I can't say anything about what has happened over the last three days. There is no excuse I can make up for three whole days that I can't account for. Because I can't tell them where I was for those three days. For starters, my parents would likely come to Sei-chan's house, and drag me back to their house. The school would take up issue with me, and perhaps Sei-chan as well, even expulsion would probably be considered an option.
"I can't wait here all day, so if you don't say anything now, you'll be seeing the principal and the counsellor tomorrow."
I still don't know what I can say, what I can do. I can't tell him anything about the last three days, so I can't say anything he wants to know. There is probably nothing I can say that would convince him that it might be best otherwise to not force me into saying anything. And so, I'm trapped. I don't want to not say anything, because I know how badly that will go further down the line. But at the same time, I can't say anything, because that would be betraying Sei-chan, and giving up where I am currently staying to my parents. I don't want to have to leave again like I did at my aunt's place. And there probably isn't another place I can stay, at least not permanently. So, I can't say anything.
And weakened, I run. My teacher doesn't catch my arm as I spin in time, and I dash out the door. For someone who doesn't do much, rather any, exercise, I'm actually rather fast. But after I flatter myself, my mind goes blank. And then my version goes blurry. I think I'm crying, but I couldn't tell you why. Because of my parents? Because I couldn't tell Ueno-chan or my teacher what happened? Who knows? I certainly don't.