School today was nothing special. It was just an ordinary day like any other. I know I said this yesterday before Yasuraoka-san showed up at basketball practice, but I think this could be a sign of a return to normalcy. That is kind of disappointing, really. I had been enjoying the last few days, so maybe I am pre-eminently saying it in the hope that that causes normalcy to not return. At least not quite yet.
The only important thing that happened today was that I made my decision about Yasuraoka-san, and whether I should tell her how I feel. I decided it would be best not to. For one, I do not know how Yasuraoka-san feels about me, and I find it highly unlikely that she does indeed like me back. I do not even know if Yasuraoka-san is mentally stable to have feelings like this; she certainly was not a month ago, and even if she is, how do I know that they are directed at me? There is no way for me to find out without asking her, but asking her… I do not think that is something I am capable of. Yes. I who have never been beaten by anything or anyone, cannot face up to ask the only person I have ever loved, if they feel the same way about me.
But I also feel as if Yasuraoka-san might end up being a distraction, or a misguiding force for me. I have my goals, goals that I believe so important I would shorten my life by fifty years if it meant achieving them. In fact, I would give up my life if I knew I could entrust a new generation to complete my goal. There can be no distractions such as Yasuraoka-san if I am to complete my goals. It is fine now in school, but beyond that distractions will have to be avoided. Yasuraoka-san is finishing school soon. Eventually she will leave my house as well, and then we probably will never see each other again. One day I will realise that I do not remember her face, and then another day not her name. And then another day, I will forget all about her. So, this temporary feeling, is just something I have to ignore for now, and eventually it will go away of its' own accord.
As I said earlier, school today was nothing special. Myself and Yasuraoka-san bought lunch from the sushi bar on the way to school. At lunch, we walked around together, speaking to a wide range of people as per usual. Nothing was out of the ordinary. But the whole time, I felt a heavy sense of guilt, especially when I was near Yasuraoka-san. All I could feel when she was near, was guilt over how I am planning to slowly grow part from her. I have never felt guilty about something like this before, let alone anything else. Maybe this just proves all over again that what I am feeling right now for Yasuraoka-san is something special, that I have never felt for anyone else before. Which also further goes to show how much of a distraction she is to me. There is no good reason for me to enter a more personal relationship with Yasuraoka-san, and it would be much more beneficial to me, both now and in the future, if I never enter any such relationship with Yasuraoka-san.
*
Before I get to far off topic, I should probably return to where I am now, and what I am doing right now. Right now, I am studying French, the language used in the Westphalian states of France, Wallonia, parts of Switzerland, Algeria, India, and Australia, and their territories. If you must know, I have been studying French for the past three years. Before that, I studied Chinese. And even before that I learnt Common Breusch (the common language of the Anglo-Russian empire), and Spanish (both the Westphalian and American variants).
My French tutor is Maria, the Algerian woman who helped me bring Yasuraoka-san home from the Memorial Park. She had been working for our family for two years prior to her becoming my tutor, more or less doing odd jobs for my father's business. I guess this is just another one of her odd jobs, but she had originally come to Japan to be a French tutor. Of course, things did not work out for her, not that she is to blame. The state the economy was in then, and still is now, she is lucky that she found employment at all. But it is a shame she was not employed by some school to teach French; she is an excellent teacher.
By the time I finish tutoring, it is about eight at night. And now, I need to go and do homework for my school subjects. Although it does not take me as long as others, I still will not be done until well after ten, maybe not even till eleven. I sigh audibly, as I grab the necessary equipment for the work I need to do and head towards the lounge. It is difficult sometimes trying to fit this much in. I am considering dropping basketball next year. It will be difficult to continue with everything I am currently doing if the amount of school work I get will increase next year, which it probably will. And that is another reason that I should not get in a relationship with Yasuraoka-san. I am already so busy, to add a relationship which I have to commit extra time, energy, and effort to, would not be the best idea.
As I am approaching the lounge, I hear that the television is on. At this time, both my mother and Yasuraoka-san are usually in their own rooms. Yasuraoka-san enjoys playing video games or watching anime, until about two in the morning, and my mother prefers watching television from the comfort of her own room. If I had to say which of the two, I would have to guess my mother. Yasuraoka-san has not had any change to her evening pattern since she was told the Wi-Fi password, and that our internet is unlimited. Whereas my mother does at times decide to watch television out in the lounge, when she is waiting for the heating in her room to reach an adequate temperature.
But to my surprise it was indeed Yasuraoka-san who was sitting on the couch in the living room watching the television. You could tell from her appearance that she had just had a shower. Her hair was wet, probably leaving a patch on the couch, and you could visibly see the steam coming off her. Her usually loose-fitting nightie was suctioned to her skin, making it possible to see through it. Looking at her made me feel hot, and uncomfortable. I quickly look away, embarrassed, but I soon realise that Yasuraoka-san has not noticed. Her eyes are glued to the television, watching some anime. I do not recognise which one, but presumably since it is on television at this time of night, it is a current one. Glad that she has not noticed me, I decide to head over to a chair, facing away from the television, over near the bookshelf.
Most people, I believe, find it hard to focus when there is something like a television around, but I do not have such an issue. I am in fact, pretty good at focusing. Which is why I find it strange that, I cannot even read the question that I am supposed to answer. Considering there is not much space left to answer it, it probably is not even that difficult of a question. But I cannot bring myself to focus and read the question. Instead, I find my attention drawn towards Yasuraoka-san. Even though I can barely see her, I keep staring at her. And even when I do look at my paper, my head is so filled with thoughts of her, and the fact that she is sitting right there, barely three metres away from me, that I cannot read the black, printed words.
I am beginning to think that perhaps I should leave, and go to do my homework in my room. It will be much easier to focus there than in here. I do not ever think I have had a problem like this before. When I have found something so distracting that I cannot think about anything else at all. This just shows that I am right. I cannot have a relationship with Yasuraoka-san. She is just too much of a distraction. She will be too much of a hindrance in the future, a distraction to my plans.
As I am thinking these thoughts, the doorbell rings. Salvation. Although I find it strange that someone would be knocking on the door at this time of night, I stand up quickly, in a rush to get out of this room. This is my way out of this space, where it is impossible to focus on my work. But in my rush to stand, I make noise that I had not intended to make. I get annoyed at myself for a second. And at Yasuraoka-san. This would never happen if Yasuraoka-san was not here. She is too much of a distraction. But I suppose I cannot blame that on her. The only person to blame for that is me, and my emotions which I have let run wild.
Of course, since I made that much noise, Yasuraoka-san finally notices my presence in the room.
"Oh, Sei-chan. I didn't realise you were trying to study."
She grabs the remote and turns the volume down on the television. For some reason, her talking makes me feel hot, and nervous.
I clear my throat. I sound extremely pitiful when I do it.
"I am going to get the door."
Yasuraoka-san's eyes rise for a moment, "right. Of course."
That is just like her to have forgotten about the doorbell after she noticed I was in the room. Although, she may have just not noticed that the doorbell had rang. That would also be just like her. I exit the room in somewhat of a hurry. Yasuraoka-san probably thinks it is to not keep whomever is at the door waiting, but it is more that I just do not want to remain in the same room as Yasuraoka-san. I hear the television's volume go back up as I walk away.
I twist the door handle as the bell rings for a second time. It is quite loud when you are right next to the door. But more importantly, I wonder who it is that is on the other side of the door. If I had to guess, it would be my father, but I cannot imagine him forgetting his key. That is not something he would do, and I cannot think of a time he has ever done that before.
When I do open the door, it is a man I do not recognise standing there. Not that I can say much about myself, but his is shorter in stature than the average man, it is hard to tell how much of that is due to how he hunches over.
"Excuse me, I was informed that Yasuraoka Sora was staying at this address. Is that true?"
I narrow my eyes. So, this is Yasuraoka-san's father, presumably. It would have to be either her father, or a teacher from school, but if it were a teacher, I would have seen them around school.
"Who are you?" I ask, even though I already know the answer.
Although he looks offended from the brusqueness of my words, I feel more than justified. He was not very polite himself when he asked his question without introducing himself, or anything of the sort.
"My name is Yasuraoka Tomoya. I'm Ya… Sora's father."
I note how he is not used to referring to Yasuraoka-san as 'Sora', despite being her parent.
"I see."
We stand there looking at each other for a moment. I do not have anything more to say to him, but he is waiting for me to continue the conversation. Next, he will probably be asked to be allowed inside.
"Can I come inside?"
"Why?"
"Why? Because I'm Yasuraoka-san's father. She is here, isn't she?"
"That is why I am not going to let you in."
He looks at me confused, "what is that supposed to mean?"
I do not say anything to him. What it means, is that I know Yasuraoka-san does not want to see him. And I am getting an idea why. I still do not know why she ran away from home, but I could at least understand not wanting to talk to a guy like this. Her father seems extremely self-entitled. I would not be surprised if he works high up in some important business, or if he is self-employed. I can not imagine this person taking orders from anyone else. He does not seem like the type capable of adapting to a situation where he is not in charge. That is why I am not going to let him inside.
"Sora!" he calls out, "if you can hear me, come out here right now."
I let him continue without saying anything. It is not like Yasuraoka-san is going to hear him in the lounge from here, especially with how loud she has the television, and her weak hearing from wearing earphones too much.
"Your mother wants you to come home. You've made your point now, so me and your mother want you to come home, so you can make up for what you've done."
After he stops, I sigh loudly and smile. He notices my expression, and turns his attention towards me, looking at me quizzically now.
"I understand."
That is all I say.
"What do you understand?"
"Why Yasuraoka-san ran away from home."
"It is clear to me, and probably anyone else who does care about Yasuraoka-san, that the worst thing for her right now, would be to go back home with you. You can speak when I am finished.
You obviously, and presumably her mother as well, do not give a care or any concern for Yasuraoka-san. Your primary concern regarding her, is how her actions make you look. You do not care or understand enough about her to even call her by her given name. The only reason you want her to come home is so that you do not look bad. Because you do not want your friends to realise how bad of a parent you are. How bad a human being you must be for your own child to want to run away from home. I know I am right, there is no point trying to argue. You are the kind of person who is even more selfish than the average human, but cannot understand or accept that fact for themselves. I believe the way most people would refer to that as, is a dick.
I am not going to let you in, because there is no benefit for Yasuraoka-san to see you right now, and I certainly do not get any benefit from harming Yasuraoka-san. In fact, if anything I want to do what is best for her, even more than what is best for me. So there is no reason for me to let you in. If you have nothing to say, you might as well go now."
Her father stands there, stunned for a while. It is hard to say if he is shocked by how boldly I spoke to someone so much older than myself, or stunned, realising how bad of a person he is. In fact, the second option is just wild hoping on my side. Nobody his age ever sees the error in his ways. He is far too old to let go of his misguided beliefs, meaning he is simply shocked by how bold I am speaking to him.
Yasuraoka-san's father finally manages to regain some of his composure, or at least enough to answer my retorts.
"You do realise the school will expel you for this? A male and female student living together…"
"The school will not expel me," I answer confidently, "they are surely reasonable enough to be lenient in extenuating circumstances. And besides, how do you think a school this small has survived since the government cut spending on education? They would expel me at their own peril, put out on the streets with the rest of the poor folk our government has failed."
"That's not…" he looks at me nervously, "that's leveraging power. Your father could go to jail if I told someone what you just told me."
"No, he would not. The government appreciates his efforts. It allows them to pretend they're doing something right. And besides, I think you will find it incredibly difficult to prove."
Not that he can prove it. Everything I just said is a lie. It is true that the school is only staying open thanks to a mysterious benefactor, but from the research I have gotten Isogai-san to do in the past, it is unlikely they are even in Japan. But the point stands: Yasuraoka Tomoya can never prove that my family is leveraging power over my school, because it never happened. It is however also true that the school would not kick me out, or at least I am very confident that they would not. Either way, this is probably enough to dissuade Yasuraoka-san's father from informing the school of me and Yasuraoka-san's living arrangements. If it is not, then there will be a problem, but I am confident I can find a way to remedy the situation if it comes to that.
Now realising his apparent powerlessness over the situation and me, Yasuraoka-san's father turns away. Not even wasting a breath to call for Yasuraoka-san again. Goodbye, Yasuraoka Tomoya. Somehow, I get the feeling we will never see each other again.
I close the door, turning to head back down the corridor towards the lounge. I left my homework there, so I think I should probably just grab it, and then leave near immediately to my room, where I will get much more work done, away from the distraction that is Yasuraoka-san.
But I have to wonder about how I acted in front of Yasuraoka-san's father. I will be the first to admit that I was extremely protective of Yasuraoka-san in that conversation. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I can not get over Yasuraoka-san, and if that is the case, is it still an option for me to have a romantic relationship with her?
Before my brain can even begin to fabric a counterargument, and spit out the multitude of reasons why that would be a bad idea, I see something that breaks my heart. Or at least, that is how I would describe this heavy feeling in my chest. Yasuraoka-san is crying. This sight makes me feel responsible, even though I know her father, and perhaps even her mother who was not present, share an equal or greater share of the reason she is crying. How do I know this is why she is crying? She is sitting on the floor, with her legs spread across the hallway, just around the corner from the kitchen. She heard, perhaps not the whole conversation, but I can tell by the reaction, she heard enough to understand what was said.
Looking at her I do not know what to say. What words can console this girl? I finally understand just to what extent the relationship between her and her parents had deteriorated, and it made me realise that I had underestimated just how tough of a time Yasuraoka-san was having. I had always thought, maybe she is just mentally weaker than others in similar situations, but now I finally understand. Yasuraoka-san is in fact a strong person. Stronger than I was, anyway. The difference between me and her, was that she ran away, whereas I gave up my emotions. I cannot say for sure which one is the easy way out, or which one is the correct way to deal with our respective problems. Perhaps we were both correct, and the solution we chose was the correct one for our situation, or perhaps one of our solutions is better than the other, or perhaps there is a third way to do things. It was naïve of me to think that I knew everything there was to know about her, and that I could help her no matter what. Because right now, even though I have done many more challenging things for her in the past, I cannot console her. I do not know how. I, who thought I knew almost everything there was to know about people, am unsure how to comfort the one person I would consider close to me.
Although I am helpless, I understand that doing something is better than nothing. The trouble is, I have no clue how to console, or help her in this situation. But I have to do something. There are no words that I have that can portray how I am feeling right now to Yasuraoka-san. How sorry I am for her, in her unfortunate situation. Or for the guilt I feel for not understanding the grave extent of her situation.
So, all I can do for now is sit beside her. I feel terrible, but there is nothing else I can do, and it is still infinitely better than standing and watching, or walking away. I suppose the only other thing I could do would be to hold her, but that would be both embarrassing, and could make the situation worse if she finds that weird. So, all I can do is sit here, and offer morale support.
I could not tell you how long we sat there. Normally I am pretty good at estimating how long I have been doing something for, but this is not something I have experienced before. And somehow it is emotionally draining to sit beside someone you care about as they bawl their eyes out. I cannot imagine how Yasuraoka-san herself feels. All I do know is that we have been sitting here for long enough that Yasuraoka-san does not have any more water in her eyes with which to cry with. Even after Yasuraoka-san stops crying, we must have been sitting there for at least five minutes before either of us did anything. I feel ashamed that it was not me who did something first, but as I explained I do not know what I am supposed to do in this situation. Is there even anything that I can do?
Yasuraoka-san speaks, with a ragged voice that I would not have heard if I had not been so close to her, "maybe I should go home now. I should, before this gets any worse for anyone else."
When she says that, it makes me irritated, or perhaps agitated. Why would she say something like that? I understand the concept of sacrificing your own happiness to make everyone else happy, but why should Yasuraoka-san be the one to do it? Surely she has been through enough. She does not have to be the one to do this. It might cause issues for her parents, for her family, but they are the ones who failed her first. They never accepted her for who she is. They are the reason she is in the mess she is in now. Nobody, including Yasuraoka-san, should have to sacrifice their happiness for the likes of them.
"No. I will not let you leave."
Yasuraoka-san looks at me. Her eyes flick through a dozen emotions in a second. Shock, fear, admiration, love, thankfulness, trust. I see her mind flick through all these emotions, attempting to create a response that will truly represent how she feels, but I do not think it is possible. But as I think this, my mind, or perhaps my heart if I still have one, rests on one particular emotion. Love. How does she feel about me? Does she love me as a friend? A companion? A sibling? Or is it something else? What would she say if I told her how I feel about her right now? How would she react? Would she be happy, or sad? Would it bring us together, or force us apart? Would I spend every day for the rest of my life at her side, or would we never speak to each other again?
Even though I am still uncertain, cautious, and unsure about what is best for both of us. I think I know what I want. And that is certainly more important than any consequence or effect this will cause in the future. As I am thinking this, I already know it is the correct decision. I can feel it. Both in my mind, and somewhere near where my heart used to be. Nothing, no matter how incredible it may be, could be more important than this. And, I also think I finally have an idea of what I can do. Normally, I do not think I would want to show anyone this, but for Yasuraoka-san, it is acceptable.
"Get up. I am going to show you something."
"What?"
I stand up, and offer my hand out to Yasuraoka-san, "we are going. I need to show you something."
For a moment, she just sits there, looking at my hand without making any motion towards it, or any attempt to grab it. I do not know what I would do if she does not accept my hand. If she did not, then not only would I be disappointed in her, but also myself. Because if Yasuraoka-san does not grab hold of my hand now, then she is not the person I thought she was. But finally, slowly and uncertain it may be, Yasuraoka-san reaches out to grab hold of my hand.