"A man went to a policeman.
He said, 'Sir, help me. Someone is giving me death threats.'
Policeman stood up from his chair, seriously, he asked : 'Who is it?'
The man answered, 'My girlfriend's husband.'"
I shared one more joke with the Alien.
"Hahaha. Good. Good. Good."
And the Alien liked it.
He laughed at every one of my jokes and I couldn't ask for more.
But only the Alien was laughing.
"What's a policeman, my lord?" Erect couldn't even understand my words.
Whereas this Alien was knowledgeable about many things including the Earth and its system.
I will explain to Erect later but for now, I have a question for the Alien.
"Do you know about Satan?"
"Yes. He is a devil and all." The alien knew it.
"If you know it then why doesn't your friend whom I killed know it? He was asking me what's Satan."
"He was a backbencher. He never paid attention in classes."
"You guys have schools?"
"Yes. We had them on our planet and now we constructed some on this planet as well. Aliens need education too."
"Yeah. Right. Why did you invade this planet anyway?"
"Well.." The Alien sat crossed legged on the floor.
I was already sitting like that.
Erect stayed standing behind me but he constantly shot glares at the Alien.
Anyway, the Alien shared why they invaded this world, Moral.
"We were having a normal day on our planet but soon out of nowhere, we received news that an asteroid is going to collide. So all the Aliens packed their bags and arrived on the next closest planet we could find."
"And this was the closest planet."
"Yes. We arrived on this world, and people here began screaming. We got scared and started killing the people. Humans, elves, vampires, ogres, orcs, everyone. All this happened many years ago, and since then we developed some kind of hatred for every resident of this world. Now it's in our genes to kill them. We can't help it."
"So you guys won't sit idle until you capture this whole world and kill everyone on this planet? Is that it?"
"Yes. That's what our Lord and our blood demands. But after meeting you, I am feeling different."
Feeling different? I don't want another Beater around me.
The Alien looked at my face.
"You made me laugh."
Oh. He meant that. Sure.
I smiled.
The Alien carried on. "I have never laughed like this in my life. I only laugh when I forget what to say."
So my villain theory was right. They laugh when they forget their dialogues.
"Thank you for making me laugh for real. You are a good man, Racis."
Can't believe I am getting praised by an alien. Humans never cared for my talent.
"You are also good, Alien. I can kill you with ease but I won't. I'll try to make peace between yours and my people. This fighting will get us nowhere." I said.
An eye for an eye makes the world go… empty of contact lenses.
I will end this war and bring peace with my comedy. Yes. I found my goal. And to take the first step towards my goal…
"Show me the por-"
"You can't do that, my lord." Erect interrupted me.
"I was just asking for some por-"
"I don't mean that. I was saying something else."
"What?"
"You can't bring peace between them and us." Erect clarified what he meant but I didn't get it.
"Why can't I do it?"
"Because you might not hate them but everyone else… hates them from the core." Erect clenched his fist. "Including me."
He hates Aliens? Is it time for some side character development?
"Explain." I said and even the Alien wanted to hear it.
Erect sighed. "They killed my parents. And all the heroes in this world lost their loved ones because of these Aliens. The soldiers, the common people, everyone is scared and angry at them. If the Aliens were to ever lose their strength, the people themselves will go to their continent and kill each one of them."
I looked at the Alien.
"What do you have to say about that?" I asked.
The Alien could only shake his head. "It's our nature. Our ancestors made our hearts like this. Even if I say sorry it won't mean anything."
"Yes. That's why we will not stay idle until each of you perishes." Erect held his sword. He was ready to wipe the floor.
This turned serious real quick. It was supposed to be a comedy setting, right?
"Wait. Wait. Let me talk." I stopped Erect.
Erect obeyed but his sword remained ready to strike at any moment.
I stood up from the floor.
"Alien, did you kill his parents?" I asked.
"I didn't."
"See? It was not him who killed your parents. It was some other Alien."
"But I still want justice. What did my parents do to die like that?" Erect shouted and he was really angry. He must have loved his parents. Maybe if someone had killed my grandma I would have felt the same anger. I would help him.
"Fine. I will give you justice." I said.
Erect looked at me and I looked at the Alien.
The only thing I had in mind for Erect was this…
"You can kill his parents too. It'll be a win-win for both of you."
I know that's not how win-win works but desperate times need desperate measures. I don't want an Alien who likes my jokes to die. Who knows he might be the only alien who appreciates comedy. So his parents should be sacrificed for me.
However…
"He can't kill my parents." The Alien said.
"Why?"
"My mother is already dead."
"And your dad?"
"I don't know who my father is. I am a gangbang kid."
Oh for fucks sake.
I looked at Erect. "You have to wait, Erect. I will have a chat with their King and make sure justice is served. I won't let you down. You'll always be Erect."
Erect smiled. "Thank you. I believe in you. And that was a good play of words, my lord."
I also gave a nod and then jerked my head at the Alien.
"You better be grateful. This man let you go. Otherwise you would have died today."
The Alien joined his scythe hands.
"Thank you, Racis and brave Hero. I appreciate that. I would be delighted if you accepted me as your ally. I would love to hear your talks. And together we will be able to bring peace to this world."
"Yes. We will end this cycle of revenge with our alliance." I will be the peacemaker. I just have to make sure I don't accidentally kill him.
The Alien beamed at my acceptance speech.
"I feel like bowing to you. Thank you so much."
Sure. Bowing is nice.
"Do it." I gave the permission.
The Alien agreed and sat in a bowing position.
Then, he slowly began to kowtow towards me.
I saw his antennas coming towards my face.
They came closer.
More closer.
I leaned back my head a little but the Alien finally did a full kowtow and his antennas brushed under my nose.
I felt tingly and good god, I realized that I should have not allowed the Alien to bow.
The antennas harassed my nose and even with the best of my efforts, I couldn't help but…
Sneeze.
"Achoo."
I let it out and…
SPLAT!
The Alien splattered on the ground.
Green blood dripped on my feet.
What I am saying is…
My sneeze killed my alliance.