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Opening Scene - The Dunphy House
(The episode opens in the Dunphy living room. Claire is sitting on the couch, arms crossed, while Phil is beside her, looking way too pleased with himself.)
Claire: (Sighs.) "Our house has become that house."
Phil: (Excited.) "The fun house?"
Claire: (Deadpan.) "No. The insane house."
(Cut to a chaotic scene: Luke is running around the living room with a football, dodging furniture. Alex is chasing him, holding his tablet over her head like a hostage.)
Luke: "MOM! Alex is deleting my high scores!"
Alex: (Annoyed.) "You can't have a high score in an educational game. That's not how learning works!"
Luke: (Desperate.) "IT'S STILL A SCORE!"
(Haley walks in, wearing sunglasses indoors, clearly trying to sneak past unnoticed.)
Claire: (Eyes narrowing.) "Haley."
Haley: (Pauses.) "What?"
Claire: (Pointing at her dress.) "No."
Haley: (Rolling her eyes.) "Mom—"
Claire: (Interrupting.) "We talked about this, you're not wearing that tiny dress to the mall."
Haley: (Sassy.) "It's not tiny."
Phil: (Nods.) "Yeah, Claire, it's a very economical dress. Less fabric, more savings." (Winks at the camera.)
(Claire glares at him. Phil shrugs. Cut to Phil's talking-head interview.)
Phil: (Casually.) "I'm the cool dad. That's my thing. I surf the web, I text, LOL—laugh out loud—OMG—oh my god—WTF… why the face?" (Big grin.)
(Cut back to Claire, now addressing Luke and Alex.)
Claire: "You two—stop fighting. Haley—change. And Phil—" (Frustrated sigh.) "Just… Phil."
(Just then, the doorbell rings.)
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Enter Elliot Turner
(Claire sighs and heads to the door. She opens it to reveal Elliot standing there, hands in his pockets, looking like he just woke up but still somehow put together.)
Elliot: (Smirks.) "Hey, neighbors."
Claire: (Suspicious.) "Oh. Hi, Elliot. Need something?"
Elliot: (Shrugs.) "Not really. Just figured I'd see how the insane house is doing."
(Cut to Claire's talking-head interview.)
Claire: (Rubbing her temples.) "I knew it. The kid's already watching us." (Pauses, then sighs.) "Not that I blame him."
(Cut to Elliot's talking-head interview.)
Elliot: (Leaning back, amused.) "You ever walk past a zoo and just have to stop and watch the animals for a second? Yeah." (Beat.) "This is better."
(Cut back to the living room, where Luke is now holding a stuffed animal hostage in response to Alex's earlier attack.)
Luke: (Dramatic.) "Hand over my tablet, or Mr. Snuffles gets it."
Alex: (Unbothered.) "He's already missing an eye, do your worst."
(Elliot watches with a raised eyebrow.)
Elliot: (To Claire.) "Is this a normal morning, or should I call for backup?"
(Claire pinches the bridge of her nose. Just then, Phil appears behind her.)
Phil: (Excited.) "Elliot! Our new young neighbor! You are young, right?"
Elliot: (Deadpan.) "I've been told."
Phil: (Winking.) "Nice. We should play basketball sometime, work on our dunks. You do dunk, right?"
Elliot: (Smirks.) "Not yet, but if I stand on my dreams, I'll get there."
(Phil gasps, clearly loving that response. He turns to Claire, beaming.)
Phil: "He gets it, Claire!"
(Claire groans, clearly not in the mood. Meanwhile, Haley appears at the stairs, having changed into a more "mom-approved" outfit. She notices Elliot and pauses, arms crossed.)
Haley: (Casually.) "Oh. You again."
Elliot: (Mock surprise.) "Oh wow, you actually see people when you're not texting? That's wild."
(Haley narrows her eyes, smirking slightly. She doesn't say anything, but the spark of interest is there.)
(Cut to Haley's talking-head interview.)
Haley: (Shrugs.) "I mean, I guess he's kinda funny. But don't tell him I said that."
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Chaos Ensues
(Luke, still holding the stuffed animal hostage, suddenly loses his grip and it flies through the air, knocking over a lamp. The entire house stops and stares at the damage. Claire closes her eyes in exasperation.)
Claire: (Through gritted teeth.) "I. Need. Coffee."
(Cut to Elliot looking around at the madness.)
Elliot: (To himself.) "Yeah, I'm definitely coming back here."
(Cut to black.)
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