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Opening Scene - The Dunphy Living Room
(Camera cuts to the Dunphys sitting on the couch for a talking-head interview. Phil has his usual big grin, while Claire looks... concerned.)
Phil: (Excited.) "Today's a big day. Our little girl Haley is bringing home her boyfriend for the first time!"
Claire: (Unimpressed.) "Which is fine, except she just told us about him last night, and Phil thinks he's gonna be the 'cool dad'—"
Phil: (Interrupts.) "Because I am the cool dad, Claire. That's my thing." (Grinning at the camera.)
Claire: (Sighs, turning to the camera.) "Do I need to say it?"
(Cut to Elliot's talking-head interview.)
Elliot: (Casually.) "Okay, so from what I gathered, Haley is bringing home her boyfriend for the first time, Claire is losing her mind about it, and Phil is determined to act like a sitcom dad from the 90s." (Pauses.) "Yeah, I have to see this."
(Cut back to the Dunphy living room. Elliot is sitting on the couch next to Alex, both watching as Claire nervously straightens pillows.)
Elliot: (To Alex, smirking.) "So, how long until your dad embarrasses everyone?"
Alex: (Flatly.) "He's already doing it."
(Cut to Phil warming up his handshake in the mirror, practicing different variations.)
Phil: (Muttering to himself.) "Firm, but not too firm. He's a teenager, not a job candidate."
(Cut to Haley coming down the stairs, dressed up for her boyfriend's arrival.)
Haley: (Excited.) "Okay, Dylan's almost here. Everyone, please don't be weird."
(Claire immediately tries to object, but Phil steps forward, holding up a hand.)
Phil: (Reassuringly.) "Haley. Sweetheart. Have I ever embarrassed you?"
*(Quick cut to a montage of Phil:
Doing magic tricks at her 13th birthday party.
Attempting (and failing) a skateboard trick in front of her friends.
Yelling, "GO SWEET PEA!" at her soccer game.)*
(Cut back to Haley, arms crossed.)
Haley: (Deadpan.) "Yes."
Phil: (Pauses, then nods.) "Okay, fair. But not today."
(The doorbell rings. Everyone turns toward the door. Phil grins, rubbing his hands together.)
Phil: (To himself.) "Game time."
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Enter Dylan & Chaos Ensues
(Phil opens the door, revealing Dylan, Haley's boyfriend. He's wearing a hoodie, has shaggy hair, and looks like the human embodiment of the phrase "chill, bro." He smiles awkwardly.)
Dylan: "Hey, Mr. Dunphy."
Phil: (Firm handshake.) "Dylan! Welcome to Casa de Dunphy." (Winks at the camera.)
(Dylan enters. Haley pulls him in quickly, as if shielding him from potential disaster. He notices Elliot and nods.)
Dylan: "Hey, man."
Elliot: (Nods back.) "What's up?" (Cut to Elliot's talking-head interview.) "Dylan seems... harmless. I mean, if the biggest scandal here is 'likes music too much,' I think we'll be fine."
(Claire, however, is watching Dylan like he's a wanted fugitive.)
Claire: (Whispering to Phil.) "He's too comfortable. Why is he so comfortable?"
Phil: (Shrugs.) "Maybe he's just a nice kid?"
Claire: (Still skeptical.) "Or maybe he's too nice."
(Cut to Alex and Elliot sitting on the couch. Alex leans in slightly, whispering.)
Alex: "Mom's gonna interrogate him."
Elliot: (Grinning.) "Good. I love a good interrogation."
(Claire clears her throat, stepping forward.)
Claire: (Fake smile.) "So, Dylan... What do your parents do?"
Dylan: (Shrugging.) "Oh, uh, my mom's a yoga instructor, and my dad works in sales."
Claire: (Nods, still smiling, but her eyes narrow slightly.) "Sales? What kind of sales?"
Dylan: (Scratching his head.) "Uh… just sales."
(Cut to Claire's talking-head interview.)
Claire: (Crossing her arms.) "'Just sales' is not a job title. That means drug dealer."
(Cut back to Dylan, now shifting uncomfortably under Claire's gaze.)
Dylan: (Nervous chuckle.) "I, uh… brought cookies?" (Holds up a plastic container.)
Phil: (Excited.) "Oh! Well, any man who brings cookies into my home is a friend of mine!" (Grabs a cookie, takes a bite, and instantly freezes.)
(Beat. The entire family watches as Phil struggles to chew, his face twitching slightly.)
Phil: (Muttering through chewing.) "Mmm... healthy..."
Luke: (Excited.) "Are these vegan?!"
(Cut to Elliot, whispering to Alex.)
Elliot: "Okay, if Luke knows something's vegan, that's a bad sign."
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The "Cool Dad" Fiasco
(As Dylan and Haley cuddle on the couch, Phil sits next to them, trying way too hard to be "cool." He puts on a backwards cap.)
Phil: (Smirking.) "Yo, Dyl, what's the haps?"
(Dylan blinks.)
Dylan: "Uh… nothing?"
Phil: (Finger guns.) "Sick. You and H-dawg got any rad plans?"
(Cut to Haley, looking mortified.)
Haley: (Groaning.) "Dad…"
(Cut to Alex and Elliot watching from the other side of the couch, enjoying the disaster.)
Elliot: (Deadpan.) "This is so painful."
Alex: (Nods.) "And yet, I can't look away."
(Phil then tries to high-five Dylan. Dylan awkwardly raises his hand, but Phil misses and slaps him in the face instead.)
Dylan: (Holding his cheek.) "Ow."
Phil: (Panicked.) "That was supposed to be cool—"
(Haley groans, burying her face in her hands.)
(Cut to Elliot's talking-head interview.)
Elliot: (Grinning.) "Best. Decision. Ever. Coming to this house? Zero regrets."
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