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Scene: The Dunphy Kitchen – Claire's Interrogation Continues
(We open with Dylan at the kitchen table, trying to eat a cookie while Claire sits across from him, smiling way too hard. Haley is glaring at her mom, while Phil stands off to the side, fiddling with his phone.)
Claire: (Sweetly.) "So, Dylan. You and Haley... how long have you two been dating?"
Dylan: (Chewing awkwardly.) "Uh, a couple weeks."
Claire: (Nods, fake smile never fading.) "Mmm-hmm. And you're... what, seventeen?"
Dylan: (Shrugs.) "Sixteen, actually."
(Beat. Claire's smile twitches slightly.)
Claire: (To Haley, whispering.) "He's older than you?!"
Haley: (Exasperated.) "By a few months, Mom!"
(Elliot walks into the kitchen, grabbing a drink from the fridge. He pauses, watching the interrogation unfold like it's a live crime drama.)
Elliot: (To Alex, who just walked in.) "Your mom's about to break him."
Alex: (Deadpan.) "I give him five more minutes."
(Cut back to Claire, who has now subtly leaned forward, eyes locked on Dylan.)
Claire: (Still smiling.) "And how exactly did you two meet?"
Dylan: (Nervous chuckle.) "Uh… at the mall. She, um, helped me pick out a hoodie."
(Beat.)
Claire: (Slow blink.) "That's it?"
Dylan: (Shrugs.) "Yeah?"
(Cut to Elliot's talking-head interview.)
Elliot: (Mock-serious.) "I've seen cop shows. This is classic bad cop. She's circling the target, waiting for him to slip up." (Beat.) "She's kinda scary."
(Back in the kitchen, Phil suddenly looks up from his phone, grinning.)
Phil: (Excited.) "Hey! Dylan, you play guitar, right?"
Dylan: (Perking up.) "Yeah!"
Phil: (Grabbing his phone.) "Check this out—I wrote a rap about being a cool dad! Maybe we could jam together."
(Haley visibly dies inside.)
Haley: (Horrified.) "Oh my god, no."
(Phil ignores her, hitting play. A terrible rap beat plays as Phil starts awkwardly nodding to the rhythm.)
Phil: (Rapping.)
"I'm the cool dad, yeah, that's my jam,
Gonna lay down rules but still say 'damn'!"
(Beat. Everyone stares. Elliot and Alex exchange glances. Luke bounces in, nodding to the beat.)
Luke: (Genuinely impressed.) "This is fire, Dad."
(Cut to Elliot's talking-head interview.)
Elliot: (Expression unreadable.) "There are no words." (Long pause.) "Actually, no. There is a word—tragic."
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Scene: Dunphy Driveway – Elliot & Haley's First 'Moment'
(Later, Elliot is sitting on the Dunphy porch, drinking a soda, when Haley steps outside. She sighs, rubbing her forehead.)
Haley: (Groaning.) "My mom is insane."
Elliot: (Smirking.) "Nah, she's just concerned." (Beat.) "Okay, and insane."
Haley: (Laughs, shaking her head.) "You're lucky. Your parents probably don't interrogate your friends."
Elliot: (Thinking.) "My mom cross-examined a babysitter once."
Haley: (Blinking.) "You had a babysitter?"
Elliot: (Shrugs.) "Until I was like... twelve."
Haley: (Laughing.) "That is so nerdy."
(Elliot just grins, unfazed. Beat.)
Haley: (Sitting next to him.) "So... you think Dylan's actually okay, right?"
Elliot: (Pauses, then shrugs.) "Honestly? Yeah. He's a little clueless, but he's not a bad guy." (Smirks.) "But your mom's not gonna stop, just so you know."
Haley: (Sighs, leaning back.) "Yeah, I know..." (Glances at him.) "You're actually kinda cool, you know that?"
Elliot: (Mock-serious.) "No, tell me more."
(Haley laughs, playfully shoving him.)
(Cut to Elliot's talking-head interview.)
Elliot: (Shrugging, but clearly pleased.) "Okay, maybe moving next door to this family wasn't the worst thing ever."
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Scene: Alex Notices Something
(Inside, Alex watches from the window as Haley laughs with Elliot. She frowns slightly, an unreadable expression on her face. Luke walks up next to her.)
Luke: (Confused.) "Why are you looking at them like that?"
Alex: (Snapping out of it.) "Like what?"
Luke: (Shrugs.) "Like you just found out Santa's not real."
(Alex huffs, rolling her eyes.)
Alex: "I knew Santa wasn't real when I was four."
Luke: (Gasps.) "He's not?!"
(Cut to Alex's talking-head interview. She shifts uncomfortably.)
Alex: (Slowly.) "I don't care who Elliot talks to. I mean, he's just... a neighbor. And Haley's always flirting with guys, so it's not like—" (She suddenly stops, frowning at the camera.) "Why are we even talking about this?" (Cut.)
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End of Chapter 4
This chapter blends:
Claire vs. Dylan (classic mom energy)
Phil's "Cool Dad" attempts (which fail spectacularly)
Elliot & Haley's first flirty moment
Alex noticing, but not admitting she's noticing.
(Cut)