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Professor Constantine-By: Aragorn II Elessar

JonZxZ
28
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The average realized release rate over the past 30 days is 28 chs / week.
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Synopsis
Dumbledore hires the most unlikely candidate ever for Defense Against the Dark Arts in Year 5. What shenanigans will John Constantine be responsible for during his tenure at Hogwarts? Fanfiction: Aragorn II Elessar
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Chapter 1 - Chapter 1- A new job

John Constantine returned to his place, taking out a cigarette and lighting it up as he inhaled and let out some smoke, cracking his neck.

Bringing a piece of a soul back from the afterlife, now that was a rare one. The whole soul was much easier, but a piece, that was tricky.

Luckily, Oliver's and Laurel's love for Sara had been enough to make her whole again. Love, ain't that a funny thing?

It could work wonders, but eh! Constantine couldn't give a dime about something like that, he had better things to do.

And now since he had returned his favor to Oliver, he could go about doing business his usual way.

He turned on the lights to the place, only to see an old man in grey robes with a long beard standing before him.

Realizing who it was, the conman groaned.

"Great, its you", Constantine walked past him, brushing against his shoulder a little. "What? Come to bore me? Tell me I'm not a real Wizard because I don't shove those sticks up my nostrils?"

"To be fair, I do not do those things", the old man responded calmly but Constantine held up a hand.

"You might as well do them though", Constantine shrugged, then pulled out his chair and sat down with a little yawn, putting his feet on the table and his hands behind his head, staring straight at the old man in front of him. "So, you're not here to do any of those things, eh?"

"No, I am not."

"Then what do you want, eh Dumbles?" Constantine inquired with a smirk, looking at the old man inquiringly.

Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore sighed. He knew of this man's uncouth behavior and personality, but he needed this man on his side, so best to stay on his good side.

With a polite cough, Dumbledore laid out his offer. "We have a job for you."

"Right, job offer for me, what can I do for you exactly? Not gonna sweep anything if that's what you have in mind, mate", Constantine immediately said with a shake of his head.

"No, nothing like that, a teacher-"

"Do I look like a teacher to you from any angle?" Constantine asked, struggling not to burst out and fall down laughing at the ridiculousness of the thought. Him as a teacher, really?

But then he looked at Dumbledore's face, staring at him without even a second of turning away.

"Bloody hell, you're serious, aren't you?"

A nod was all he got.

"And what have I done to be beseeched by this great honor, oh Headmaster of Warts?" Constantine now asked in a sarcastic tone, since he still wasn't sure what Dumbledore was playing at.

"Lord Voldemort has returned", Dumbledore finally said.

"Ah right, that bloody sod, knew that already", Constantine said with a shrug. "Too cowardly to show his face to me though."

"Harry has seen him."

"The Boy Who Lived, he's still living, right?"

"But no one believes him, and the Ministry of Magic has run a smear campaign to make people think he is insane and making this all up, to keep the peace", Dumbledore continued, trying to get the conman to understand the seriousness of this all. "But you and I both know that as long as Lord Voldemort is around, there will be no peace in the Wizarding Community."

"I've dealt with things that squish him like a bug", Constantine shrugged as he got up and paced around. "And those Ministry gits, as useless as ever, not very surprising though, considering how ineffective they have always been."

He turned back to the Headmaster. "So what does me being a teacher have to do with it all?"

"The Ministry of Magic will hire someone very ruthless to do the job", Dumbledore said grimly. "She will make sure anyone speaking a single word in favor of Harry and against the Ministry will pay dearly. So I want you to take the job."

"And what makes you think I ain't ruthless?"

"I know a lot about you, but what you will earn from this, you can use to pay off all your debts."

Constantine now blew out some smoke and looked at Dumbledore incredulously. "Why didn't you just start with that, you bloody old fool?"

Hogwarts Castle looked….mundane to say the least. Constantine could do better on an off-day. He had seen non-magical places more majestic than this place.

Still, job is a job. He sat on the staff table, blowing out smoke as some of the Professors shot him looks.

"Please do not smoke here", an old female one with a hat….McGonagall, reprimanded him in a stern tone.

Constantine scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Since you asked nicely."

He threw the cigarette down and smashed it with his foot.

"I still cannot believe the Professor hired someone like you", the one in dark robes…Snape, shook his head.

"Better than hiring a terrorist's long-lost twin", Constantine responded with a snicker.

"Excuse me."

"You won't understand mate", Constantine shrugged as soon, students in robes started filing in one by one, taking their respective seats on their house tables.

"Now, the hat thingy, right?" Constantine asked but got no response. He then noticed a short woman in pink with a face looking like a toad but worse sitting on one of the chairs, and immediately knew she was an unpleasant person.

The Sorting Hat then sang some strange song about friendships failing and uniting, which Constantine just found amusing at best.

It ended with applause as Constantine gave his own too. "Cheers for the singing piece of cloth everyone!"

Then the bloody sorting ceremony which involved the hat being put on top of new students' heads and shouting at the top of its lungs (or whatever it had in lungs' place) the name of the house the student had landed himself or herself in.

Finally, "Zeller, Rose" was sorted into Hufflepuff, and Professor McGonagall picked up the hat and stool and marched them away as Professor Dumbledore rose to his feet.

"Big speech about how it will all be all right."

"To our newcomers," said Dumbledore in a ringing voice, his arms stretched wide and a beaming smile on his lips, "welcome! To our old hands — welcome back! There is a change in staff, first of, I would like to welcome our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Constantine!"

"Just Constantine, old git", Constantine responded to gasps as he got up and raised his hands to either side. "Yes, that's me."

A boy with spectacles- Harry Potter obviously, observed him curiously. Probably wondering what the handsome new Professor had to offer in the subject he was required to teach.

He sat back down as Dumbledore was about to continue but then a 'hem, hem' cut him off, and it was from the pink toad woman.

Dumbledore sat down as the toad woman now stood up to address the children.

"Thank you, Headmaster," the toad woman simpered in a very irritable tone, "for those kind words of welcome."

Her voice was high-pitched, breathy, and little-girlish. She gave another little throat-clearing cough ("Hem, hem") and continued. "Well, it is lovely to be back at Hogwarts, I must say!" She smiled, revealing very pointed teeth. "And to see such happy little faces looking back at me!"

"If you think sulking is happy", Constantine whispered.

"I am very much looking forward to getting to know you all, and I'm sure we'll be very good friends!" Students exchanged looks at this; some of them were barely concealing grins.

Professor Umbridge cleared her throat again ("Hem, hem"), but when she continued, some of the breathiness had vanished from her voice. She sounded much more business-like and now her words had a dull learned-by-heart sound to them.

"The Ministry of Magic has always considered the education of young witches and wizards to be of vital importance. The rare gifts with which you were born may come to nothing if not nurtured and honed by careful instruction. The ancient skills unique to the Wizarding community must be passed down through the generations lest we lose them forever. The treasure trove of magical knowledge amassed by our ancestors must be guarded, replenished, and polished by those who have been called to the noble profession of teaching." Professor Umbridge paused here and made a little bow to her fellow staff members, none of whom bowed back. Professor McGonagall's dark eyebrows had contracted so that she looked positively hawklike, and she exchanged a glance with Professor Sprout while Constantine yawned as Umbridge gave another little "Hem, hem" and went on with her speech. "Every headmaster and headmistress of Hogwarts has brought something new to the weighty task of governing this historic school, and that is as it should be, for without progress there will be stagnation and decay. There again, progress for progress's sake must be discouraged, for our tried and tested traditions often require no tinkering. A balance, then, between old and new, between permanence and change, between tradition and innovation . . ."

Professor Umbridge did not seem to notice the restlessness of her audience. Constantine was tempted to just have some Demons drag her to Hell for being so annoying.

". . . because some changes will be for the better, while others will come, in the fullness of time, to be recognized as errors of judgment. Meanwhile, some old habits will be retained, and rightly so, whereas others, outmoded and outworn, must be abandoned. Let us move forward, then, into a new era of openness, effectiveness, and accountability, intent on preserving what ought to be preserved, perfecting what needs to be perfected, and pruning wherever we find practices that ought to be prohibited."

And that was it.

"The pink toad really loves hearing herself talk, doesn't she? Makes up for no one else listening to a word she says", Constantine finally asked and then answered his own question at the same time.

Instantly, laughter broke out in the Great Hall as some students banged their desks.

"Silence!" Umbridge hissed but to no effect.

Dumbledore stood up and raised a hand, which seemed to do it as Umbridge glared at the conman. "I am the Ministry's High Inquisitor, and I shall be inspecting all classes, including yours, mister, so better talk to me with respect."

"Hmmm…how about….no!" Constantine replied and smirked at her look of utter horror and disbelief before giving her a wink. "Will see ya during my class, eh? Not looking forward to that."

Later, after the feast was finished, Umbridge walked up to Dumbledore. "Headmaster!"

"Evening, Miss Umbridge!"

"What are you thinking, hiring the most non-English Englishman with a reputation like that? He doesn't even use a wand! His brand of magic is different!"

"I believe learning something different is just what the students need", Dumbledore simply said.

"This will work against you, mark my words!" Umbridge sneered while pointing at Dumbledore and stormed off.

Constantine walked up next to him and said. "She's a real piece of work."

"She wanted the job I have given you, she will show you no mercy", Dumbledore warned.

"Eh, I've walked out of selling my soul to the Devil, or a Devil, the pink toad is nothing", Constantine cracked his neck and walked off as Dumbledore wondered what would happen now.