"Hibiki, right?" Haruki, who's standing beside the window, looking from afar, asked me.
"I've only learned your name because I've seen you with him before."
...
"Who?" I asked even though I already know, clearly who he was talking about. I took a sip of my coffee. It's sweet... I don't like the way he makes coffee.
"Kaede." His face that's being shined down by the hot, morning light took my attention. His eyes were shining.. but quickly disappeared as he looked back at me. He lit a cigarette that he took from his pocket and with a playful smile he said, "Do you wanna know why he changed?"
Changed? What changed?
"Changed?" My mouth spoke for me without knowing.
"You didn't even sense that something changed? Wow, are you really his best friend?" He laughed, probably sarcastically. "Wanna know why he changed?"
"You've asked that again and again, I don't think I have a choice."
He walked towards me while still wearing that smile and sat on a chair in front of me. Put out his cigarette that he barely even used with the table and threw it away.
"Actually, I don't feel like smoking right now," He said as he looked at me straight in the eye. Unfortunately for him, these eyes have nothing. "I'll tell you."
"Why would you?" This sudden change with his actions makes me feel some suspicion, like there's something he wants out of me. Thinking about it again, he did try to ask me for help that time. "Speak." Although I don't think I'd be interested with anything he says.
"Kaede Yamato's boyfriend. Did you meet him?" He said as his smile gradually faded. "Oh, do you even know his sexual orientation?"
"No." I didn't even think that he'd have a girlfriend or anything, so the thought that he'd have a boyfriend would be impossible, but hearing Haruki say it.. "Why would I ever have the need to ask him that?"
"Oh so you don't have a thi- ohhhh," He said in a way that he almost seemed laughing, while he has his hand on his forehead, massaging. "Pfft haha! I thought you guys are together!"
"Excuse me?" What nonsense is this now?
"You know, you too seems to be very clingy every time I saw you together before when, even more now."
"What do you mean before?" I internationally furrowed my eyebrows as to look even more confused. Still, I really am confused right now.
"Duh when Kaede and I were together? Forgotten already?"
...
I don't even wanna ask anything because I'm too confused to even process a question to ask. What does he mean 'before' and 'together'... So this is probably something from the past.
"I asked you if you already knew Kaede's boyfriend as a joke but I didn't think that you, of all people wouldn't know that we were in a relationship. He didn't tell you?" He asked as he laughed, he then only stopped when he took a bite of a toast from my plate.
"You really didn't know... Then there wouldn't be any use to telling you," He suddenly stood up and quickly finished his coffee. "I'm leaving."
"Wait." I found myself holding his wrist to stop him from leaving.
I need to keep him here for a little while, I need to know more about my past. His past. Besides Kaede, he might be the only one left who knows anything about the past, Kaede won't tell me anything so he's my last choice. "Tell me."
"I told you, there's no reason to tell you anything. After all, if you weren't involved with him like that then I won't have any reason to. I only really came here because I thought you and Kaede were together. Hehe wanna stir up something you know."
He gave a smirk then pushed my hand away. "Why do you wanna know so bad anyway? Why do you suddenly want to know why he changed? If he wanted to, then he could've told you himself."
Here he was a second ago asking me if I wanted to know something, but now pushing me away. Of course I would want to know more. From what I've learned, people who would be cut off like that would be even curious.
But right now, that's not the point for me, I'm not the slightest bit of curious. I guess I am and I'm just denying it but he's my last choice.
I just looked at him straight in the eye without giving him an answer. That tensed up moment lasted for a minute until finally, someone spoke.
"You know, I really needed your help but considering you don't know anything, it would be useless." He coldly said then sat back on the chair. I sat back down too.
"I grew up alone you see, parents gone right from when I was born. I never experienced being loved, being surrounded as if being tucked in with a warm blanket, like how some people describe it. It's not my fault I'm like this right? "
He looked genuine enough with his words, and so does his face. A warm, yet sad tone came out from his voice, every word.
"I never intended to use Kaede when I got in a relationship with him. In fact, I enjoyed it. It was the first time I felt like I was actually loved- to be loved by someone. I know that it's also my fault, I got bored too easily and left with someone else. No, actually I wasn't bored. That's not it.. believe me, I still love him, even until no-"
"Then why did you leave him?" I asked in a tone of voice that I never even thought I would make.
"I told you, I'm not sure with myself at that time either, maybe because I got bo-"
"That's your reasoning? Because you probably got 'bored'? Then I'm sorry to break it to you but someone like you isn't fit to be loving someone."
"How could you say that when you don't even know me at all."
"I can say this because I know him."
I'm not even mad right now since I can't feel anything but I don't think what he did is right, I just felt the need to actually tell him.
Like when Asami tried to shake my fake reality and make me realize things. Haruki, this world and other people's feelings, though I can't feel them aren't part of one big playground.
"You said that you felt like he actually loved you and so did you. Then tell me this, how would you feel loved if you're the reason breaking the heart of the person that loved you? Why leave him so easily when everything seemed to be perfect?"
"I knew that he loved me!" He snapped. "I knew that full well but something within me just.. can't! Who are you to dictate my feelings?"
"I'm not dictating your feelings. I don't even have a single one of them. I'm telling you that if you're saying that you just got bored with him... Then what you were feeling wasn't love, that was lust." I stood up to put the white, empty glass that was once filled with warm coffee and a plate in the sink.
What am I talking about. This wasn't supposed to end up like this. I'm in the wrong now... The words I used... I'm dictating his feelings?
"What lust are you talking about? Sure I've used him a little but not for that reason."
"For what reason then?" I asked then turned my head to look at him. I can't turn back to my words now. His face is still gloomy, not a hint of anger or irritation on his face.
"I know I'm in the wrong... But I needed him for money too. To survive. Without him before, I would've actually become homeless for not being able to pay rent and eat. I was grateful for that. Why did I do that... Why didn't I just show what I truly felt and accept his feelings."
I walked back towards the table. "Done with your plates?"
"Yes." He quickly answered while nodding at the same time. I took his glass of water, utensils and plates then washed them on the sink.
I was wrong. Maybe I shouldn't have told him those things. I was definitely in the wrong too.
"So I acted like I didn't care for him," His voice stopped my thoughts. "I loved him and he loved me too but my love can only go so far. His love however could transcend and even pierce through the heavens. That was cringy.. but that was the only way to describe it. I even went so far as to go to that bar again.. I guess I got wanted in the end though. With an insult and a slap. Damn I deserved that." He said, as if making fun of himself.
"I see. I'm sorry."
"It's fine. My own choices led to this.. and of course as his best friend you would come to his aid right?"
I finished washing the dishes then walked back to my seat in front of Haruki.
"I was really happy with the fact that I was loved by someone, I never even loved myself." He sighed. "That's why I asked for your help that night, but damn I didn't know you would have connections with actual dangerous people, why would that scary lady have a gun?"
"That was just a toy."
"Oh, I see. As if she could even hold a real one right?"
"Actually, she has a real one hidden somewhere."
"Doesn't comfort me at all." Haruki's become a little easier to talk to now. "Anyway, I tried asking for your help that time because I wanted to apologize to Kaede. To tell him everything, but considering the way I left everything as it was, I'm sure that our relationship would never be fixed."
"Don't even try to think- there won't even be a glimpse of hope that you'd rekindle even anything like friendship from him." His gloomy face, withered-like eyes that were just normal and playful yesterday and a moment ago still showed without restraint, or holding back to cover it up.
I stood up and slowly leaned on the table, trying to look straight at his eyes that were now focused downwards towards nothing.
I held his chin up with my hand and forced him to look at me, though he did let me do what I wanted.
"You want to say sorry? Then do it."
Fwooh
I blew on his face which made him close his eyes, the forming tears from the side of his eyes, forced to come out as he did so.
"Get yourself together, only then will you not regret deciding to talk to him again."
⁰-⁰
As if that was easy... You know nothing.
--_HARUKI_--
"Haruki." I uttered to the police, the ones who found me walking around this abandoned house.. or so it basically is now since my foster parents abandoned me.
I didn't deserve to be alone, I deserved to be loved. I know that I do. Even me, before when I was still a child, at a young age of eight that was constantly left alone, knew full well of my rights. Unfortunately that miracle called love never occurred once in my life.
"Mother? Did you really love me?" I asked myself once more, like I always did everyday. If my mother even left me, didn't love me.. then who would?
I wonder at what age I started selling my body to feel loved.
Hah.. I've forgotten.
...
But then I met him. Kaede. The one who stirred actual emotions into my heart. The one who actually made me feel something, made me feel loved. Why did I do that? Why did I say that I didn't love him? Why did I hate the fact that we would be in a public, committed relationship.
"Perhaps you're too scared."
I opened my eyes to see Hibiki in front of me. His azureous blue eyes that looked like the sea, yet still felt oddly dead gazes deep into me, peeking into the windows of my soul. His soft white hair being softly caressed to the side, blown by the wind from the opened window.
"I don't know who you really are much, but.." He stopped and looked at me even more then.. hugged me. For a second it felt as if he actually showed emotions. Was it pity? Sadness? Or pure sympathy... "If what you really said was true, that you loved him. If you really did, then you'd have that courage to speak."
...
Stop.
'Don't be like that, please. Don't pity me...' I screamed out as loud as I could inside my head as tears started to blur my sight again. I did terrible things yet here he is. Hibiki. The one who's closest to Kaede right now, comforting me.
'I don't need help.'
Why does every word that comes out of his sharp little mouth get so genuine now out of all this time? I opened my mouth and gathered the remaining emotional strength to tell him.. "You're fucking weird."