Sigh
After a long deep sigh, I twisted the door knob of my home's door into the living room. Just by opening and hearing this door made of wood making a squeaky sound made my heart thump harder..
I took a step inside, and put my shoes back carefully.
"Mother?" I called out. No one answered, it occurred to me that she must've gone shopping. I don't know why but she should be.. I hope so.
I walked towards the stairs, step by step up, going straight into my room. Today's been alright, doing my part as that perfect person as always. It's so hard to act like someone who isn't you.
I opened the door to my room, locked the door and sat down the floor while looking at a reflection of myself straight in the mirror. Does this mirror reflect the me they see or the true me?
The only source of light I have in my room right now comes from the lamp beside my bed. Making the room seem darker since the curtains are also down.
I touched my face, every side, corner and turns while asking myself "Why couldn't I just be ugly?"
If I was ugly then my mother wouldn't love me, she'd throw me out like trash whenever she wanted, but that's only me being too ungrateful right? My classmates did say that I have the face of a goddess.. yet I feel like this beauty they call that is my face is a curse.
This mirror, the reflection that it shows me right now. The boy.. girl inside seems to be crying, tears falling down her face yet not making a sound, looking angrily in front of him.
"Why can't you just be brave for once?" She yelled out as she took off her uniform. Pulling it, punching it, doing everything she can to release her anger. "Why can't you be yourself?" She added.
She continued on looking down at her uniform that was on the floor, her dirty uniform that still wasn't damaged. Weak.
Squeak
The door opened and her mother.. my mother looked at me, with such shocked eyes.
"Hibiki! What happened?" She asked, looking as if she was concerned.
"Bullies." I answered, just that one word made her eyes bulge in anger.
She stripped my clothes carefully until I was naked, put down some clothes beside me and brushed my hair back. I can't just tell her that I actually tripped while I was going home. I'd be in much more trouble if I did. That would be a flaw.
"M-Mom, it hurts." I closed my mouth as I slowly looked up in the mirror. My mom, still looks visibly upset as she combed my hair aggressively. I don't care much, since if she did continue, my appearance won't be as perfect as she wants.
I looked down a little, looking at the reflection of my body, my frail weak body resembling a girl's.. that's what my mother has said. If I could, I would have just turned into a girl if I didn't have that thing down there, unfortunately this is me.
I didn't even realize it but tears still rolled down my cheek. I just looked at my pitiful self, you pitiful, weak, girl.
Not until that reflection of me turned her head up a little, her face making such an endearing expression. "Tell me, what are you so scared of?"
Ring
"Huh?"
Suddenly the surroundings turned blurry and I can only seem to focus on Asami. Those eyes of hers glimmered a faint, color of red yet again making her smile seem and feel so uneasy.
"What are you so scared of? Hibiki." She then leaned back on the chair, closing her eyes as she crossed her arms.
Everything turned normal.
"It's not that I want to know more about you. It's because I want you to make a choice for yourself. What do you actually want? What do you want to do?" She said, then opened her eyes again looking down at her cup of coffee. "I don't intend to force you. I want you to make a choice."
I just closed my eyes to take a break from both Xyla's and Asami's pressuring gaze and presence.
What do I want again? Why did I even get involved again here for?
Haru.. him. Thinking back, I didn't get to know much about him, we just made good memories. Those memories, feels like it's fading though.. getting replaced by these memories from the past. Bitter, painful ones just like now.
Why do I really want to save him so much? Is he actually worth so much to me that I would sacrifice my own life for him? After all, getting involved further would be like a suicide rescue mission.
What's stopping me from doing this. What's stopping me from doing what I thought I could do.
Maybe I'm scared.
No.
I am, scared.
"You're.." I opened my eyes to see both Asami and Xyla looking at me. Asami, emotionless as always while Xyla looked concerned for some reason. "Scared?" Xyla continued.
As much as I want to refute what she just said, I want to be honest with myself. This thumping feeling in my heart as I try my best to remember those fading memories I had with Haru doesn't feel like.. that feeling that he made me feel when he embraced me. So this is fear?
"I guess I have an answer now don't I?" Asami said in a formal tone, as always. "Like before, I would take my leave now that I'm done with what I have to do here."
She stood up and left her payment on the table, leaving right then and there. While Xyla and I just sat there, sitting quietly in front of each other.
Sigh
Xyla sighed, right after she took a sip of her tea. "Hey."
"Hm?" I looked at her, Xyla who was wearing a serious expression. She just looked down somewhere on the table.
...
"Are you gonna eat your cake?" She asked, making a weird smile.
"Ah, oh my cake? Do you want it?" I gave it to her anyway.
She took a bite of it and then sat right back again. "Sorry about that, I just wanted to calm the mood down a bit."
"Don't worry, I don't really mind." I softly insisted.
"Right," She replied, as if doesn't believe me. "So?"
I just looked at her in confusion. "So?"
"So what do you plan to do now?" She continued as she took the second bite on the cake, eating it completely. "It's either you ruin your life like I did mine or live a peaceful life. They still might come after you sometimes though."
"I need time."
I looked out, up into the sky that was still continuously pouring. Xyla has already left half an hour ago and I'm still sitting here, thinking about random things.
I pulled out my phone from my pocket and realized that I missed a message. It's from Asami.. how did she get my number?
I opened it and all it has was.. "Scaredy cat." She's very formal outside but seems the opposite through messages.
I finally stood up, left my payment and stood by the entrance. I don't have an umbrella and I only have a small bag right now, so it's fine even if I get wet.
A few steps out and my clothes have easily become wet.. it's a compression shirt go figure. The sun should just be setting by now, but the sky's already dark, covered by big grey clouds.
There are almost no one out on the streets except for me and a few people, wearing rain coats and some holding up their umbrellas. One of them, who's running towards this direction looks.. familiar.
Breathing heavily, a man stopped in front of me. Then quickly covered me with his umbrella.
I held his hand to move it up a little to see his face and it really was him.
"That handsome, long haired man from the ramen shop. That was you, right?" I asked, taking out the handkerchief that was still dry inside my bag, wiping his face with it.
"I think you should use that for yourself," He chuckled. "What are you doing out here, walking without an umbrella?"
"I don't know." I answered, I don't really wanna answer him since the reason was kind of stupid.
"You're.." He stopped midway through his sentence as he looked down a little. I only looked at him with a confused face. "O-Oh ah sorry, anyway wanna come over for a bit? My apartment is nearby here. You need to change quickly or else you'll get sick."
I pushed my hair back a little from my ear and looked down at my clothes. He's right, but I should be fine if I take a bath right when I get home right?
"So?" I looked back at him. He does look concerned..
"Okay." He only smiled as a reply. We walked forward while he's beside me holding the umbrella. "You were running towards my direction. Were you planning to go somewhere there?" I asked as I pointed back.
He shook his head. "No, I just saw you so I quickly ran over, hehe." His smile is cute.
"My name is Akari Nanami.. my name by the way." He added.
Akari.. a pretty name. I'll remember it.
"You didn't come back to the shop for months, and now your hair is short. What happened?" He suddenly asked out of nowhere.
"You didn't cheat on me did you?" He smiled as he said so. He has such a uniquely handsome smile that no one can deny.
"You know that I'm a boy right?" I straight forwardly said, remembering the fact that he did say he likes me.
He only chuckled. "Well.. yes, but it was really just a simple love at first sight. I didn't know that you were a boy though. Still, I do like you, love you."
"I see." I replied, thinking about what I should say next. I don't wanna hurt his feelings right now. "Well I.. I don't really believe in love at first sight. Tell me, how did it happen?"
"Well.. It just happened, you walked in and when I saw you I was like "wow she's beautiful." But it wasn't because of your face.
I guess it was because of how honest you seemed when we talked, the way you acted, talked, your manner. You're just.. mesmerizing, though flawed in some people's eyes. I can see that you changed though."
"Well yea-"
"But people are meant to change." He cut me off. For that one second, his face turned so serious. Unlike his usual face that always has a faint smile. "So I get it. Hehe, even the way you dress is different now. Finally freed from your mother?"
How much does he know about me..
I hesitated to answer. "Yes."
"Well, congratulations. To celebrate, I'll make your favourite when we arrive." He said as if announcing something important.
We stopped walking and I closed my eyes, some water had gone inside my eyes. Although my eyes are closed, I felt him change from that energetic man to a very calm, soft and comforting demeanor right after I heard him chuckle. I can already Imagine him smiling.
"Hibiki, open your eyes and see. You're finally free."