The sun slices it's way through a gap in the middle of the curtains, rudely awakening me. It's an immediate reminder that I am not in my own home. My blackout blinds would never betray me like that, noon or not.
A residue headache is still beating away at my temples, and my cheek feels hot to the touch. I guess it's safe to say that last night definately wasn't a nightmare.
Reaching for the bedside locker, I pick up my phone to find that it's been inundated with voice mails and messages from Jamie. There's a voice mail from Sarah there too, so I sit myself up and listen to that first.
"Hey Sis, I was just calling to say hi, thought maybe I'd see if you wanted to have a coffee later?Call me back! Oh hey, I hear we have a mutual friend actually. Or you have a friend who's a friend of my friend I guess? I don't know what they call that! Anyway, call me, I'm at home today so you should come over, the girls would love to see you, and I'd love to let you look after them while I get my caffeine fix. Love you."
I don't have the headspace to worry about how much Will might have told his friend Adam or Sarah before Jamies messages begin to play.
"Iz, please listen to me, I know I really messed up this time, the second it happened I knew it was too far. I tried to take care of you after... I tried to fix it. Look, all of that stuff that my dad said, I can explain it. I was just trying to do something nice for the guys at work. It was a bad move I know, but it was just some dancers, it was nothing. I didn't touch any of them, I promise. God Iz... I really didn't expect you to leave. Please come home to me, I love you."
The next one plays as I try to wrap my head around the first.
"Izzy it's me again, this is all so nuts, I have to see you. Let me explain everything, you'll understand. Tell me where you are and I'll come to you. Please call me."
The next three messages that play are pretty much the same thing. Pleading, explaining... lying. I'm angry about so much, but it's the lies that make it that much worse. Dancers? Is that why he called one a call girl? The one he sent to the hospital? Or at least somebody did, I don't know who, and I doubt I'll ever find out what happened either if he's already lying about it. But I heard his father loud and clear.
"'I really didn't expect you to leave.'"
Those words play over and over in my mind. At what point did he expect me to? Did he think I'd just wait around until he tried to kill me?
As I contemplate that question, my phone suddenly dings in my hands with a new text message. Needless to say, it's Jamie.
JAMIE: Babe, I really wish you'd tell me that you're somewhere safe. I need to know you're okay. I need to talk to you. Please? xx
My stomach turns at his use of affectionate names. I'm not his babe, and I won't ever be again either. I think this time it's really it for me.
I could be petty and message him back, tell him that I'm safe because I'm not with him, but it's best that I don't. Right now I'm torn between how much I love who he could be all of the time, and how much I hate who he turns into some of the time.
I do text Sarah though, letting her know I can't make it today. I need some time for this swelling to go down before I see anyone. As always with her, she texts me back almost immediately.
SARAH: Ugh, you suck! Call me later. I need to ask you about something! x
I'm curious about that something, but I think I'll call her back at a better time. One where I don't think I'll be a blubbering mess down the phone.
Perching myself on the edge of the bed, I glance around the hotel room. I was so tired when I got here that I didn't take a proper look at it.
It's nice, cozy even. The bed linen is as soft as silk, and it looks brand new too. I wonder how often they replace it? There's no product in the world that would keep it this clean I imagine. The carpet under my feet feels like I'm walking on a cloud, I feel like I should have left my shoes outside in the hall. Taking a look inside the bathroom, my jaw drops when I get a glimpse of the shower. It's got to be big enough to fit five people comfortably. I literally marvel at it for a while. This place is probably somewhere you'd come for a romantic weekend away. I find myself shaking my head in disbelief of the fact that I'm here, not with my boyfriend, but because of him.
How did my life end up here? How could I allow someone to do this to me? Why did I take it for so long?
Unable to face those questions yet, I climb back into bed, curling myself up into a ball. Wrapping the bed covers tightly around me, I allow myself to cry. I mourn the person I was, and the life I had. I mourn all of the things that I lost because I choose Jamie. The time for being strong will come, but it's not today.
♾️
As the day goes on, I spend most of it in the room switching between crying, vomiting or searching for a place to live. By the late afternoon my stomach is raw and I'm not even sure how many applications I've sent out.
There's a thrift store nearby that I need to get to before they close at five, so I make the effort to have a quick shower before I get going.
I try concealing the bruising on my face with some make up. It's not a bad job, but it doesn't cover it all. I realise then that it's going to be hard to hide over the next few days, given how the bruise hasn't progressed much yet. For now it's the best I can do, so I finish getting ready and go.
A baseball cap and some sunglasses are top of the list. I pick those up at a gas station down the street from the hotel and then run to the thrift store to see if I can get a few items of clothing that will do for the next couple of days. I'm not sure when I'll be able to get all my stuff from the apartment. Or how. Or where it's going...
After picking up a sandwich and a few snacks to eat when I get back to the room, I make my way back to the hotel. My trip out into the world was short lived, but even that was too much right now.
The minute I'm back in my room, I crawl right back into bed. I'm feeling so lost and afraid right now that it's all I can do not to let it eat me alive.
At one point, Wills book catch's my eye from the little dresser across the room as I peak out from under the bedcovers. I debate sending him a message after being so rude the other day, but I'm unsure if I really want to. It would be so nice to have a friend right now, but I couldn't even begin to explain any of this, and I'm having a hard time convincing myself that friendship is all that I want from him. Maybe I'm just feeling vindictive for all of the things Jamie has done over these past few years. Maybe I want to hurt him like he hurt me. Whatever it is, I know that it's best to leave it alone.
My phone continues to light up with calls and messages from Jamie, all going unread and unanswered as I try to block out the memory of him laughing at me while I was on my knees in front of him. I exhaust myself with tears as the rest of the evening seems to slip by me, and when I do eventually drift back off to sleep, I'm tormented in my dreams with images of Jamie finding me here, making me pay for my silence. I can't escape him.
♾️
Sunday morning comes, and I figure that it can't do any harm to try and cheer myself up with a run. I jump up, drive to a park I wouldn't normally go to and put on some headphones. I run. I run and I run and I run so long that my legs start to cramp and feel like they'll collapse at any moment, but then I just keep going. Feeling anything other than the anxious pit in my stomach is a win in my book.
By the time I get back to the hotel, there's another barrage of messages from Jamie and a follow up one from Sarah too. Shoot! I never called her back yesterday. I should probably get it over with, so I pull up her number and press call.
"Well hello there stranger!," she says the second she answers. She's always so sarcastic when we've gone awhile without seeing each other.
"Hey, how are you? Sorry I didn't call yesterday." I don't try to give an excuse, she won't ask for one either.
"Me? I'm swell! Emily just vomited up a pack of gummy worms that she ate in secret, so that's fun!"
I can hear her trying to manage things in the background, it certainly sounds like she has her hands full. "Ohh no no," she says, scolding one of the girls, "no more sweets for you! Go lay down until your tummy starts to feel better."
"Am I interrupting?" I ask, "I can call back later if its a bad time?"
"No it's alright, I've seen this kid fish candy out of the trash, she'll be fine. So, how are you? Did you do anything with your weekend?"
My stomach bottoms out. It's a good thing I've already mastered lying to her about how things are with Jamie.
"Not much," I say, "Jamie was at a work thing Friday so I was home, we stayed in last night too."
"Oh, really? That guy Will said you had plans with Jamie on Friday. He said that's why you didn't come to the show?"
Why on earth would Will say that? Why did he even bring me up!?
"Um...no?, I mean, I never told him that. Maybe it was a miscommunication or something. I just said that I couldn't make it to the show, he must of assumed…"
"I see. So how come you didn't come then?," she questions, "It would have been great to have a night out with you, it's been forever. You'll have to come along next time."
I'm not good at this, I've no idea what Will told my sister and I don't want her to catch me in this lie.
"I just didn't feel up to it," I tell her, "it was a long week with work." Vague, thats the best option here. "But sure, I'd love to come next time, it would be fun." I can get out of that one when the time comes.
"I'm holding you to it," she says. "So how do you know Will anyway?"
Sarah is suspiciously curious about him, I don't like it one bit.
"I met him at the store, he comes in and out sometimes, he is a musician after all."
"Right, that's what he said too, I just thought it was weird…"
"Weird? In what way?"
"Well, don't eat me up here Iz, but I didn't think you were allowed to have male friends. Especially new ones."
I've no idea how to respond to that. She's completely right of course, but it still leaves me a little stunned for a second.
"I'm sorry," she says, "I realise how that sounds Iz, but after that whole thing with Jamie and that guy Zach and the fact that I never hear you talk much about your friends anymore... well I just thought it was all kind of strange."
I never realised how observant Sarah was when it came to Jamie and I. I'd give her credit for it if I wasn't sweating due to of all of her questions right now.
"Of course I can," I insist, keeping my voice as lighthearted as I can manage, "don't be silly. I can have whatever friends I want, Jamie doesn't care."
Jamie doesn't know.
"Oh, okay. We'll I'm glad to hear that," she says. "So how is Captain Colourless anyway?"
I can hear the mischief in her voice as I hold back a smile. Sarah has called Jamie that from the day she met him. She thinks he's dull. She said that even his voice was monotonous. It's not true of course, I know first hand that there is nothing dull about Jamie at all.
"He's fine," I reply, "he spent all weekend sleeping off a hangover."
Should I just tell her, I wonder? Tell her we broke up and that I've moved out? I know I could, but then she'll want to come comfort me, and I don't want her to see me right now. Not looking this bad. God I hate this, it's so hard not being able to talk to her.
I begin to steer our conversation away from Jamie, that way I don't have to lie.
"So hey, what was this thing you wanted to talk to me about?," I ask.
"Oh, yeah." Sarah grows silent for a few seconds, which is very unlike her. Normally I can't get her to take a breath between words. I think I might know what this is about. "Um," she mumbles, "so I was wondering if… well actually I wasn't wondering anything but…"
"Spit it out Sarah."
"Okay… Dad has been asking about you."
Ah, of course, exactly what I expected. This is my dads usual trick. He contacts me via Sarah so that he doesn't actually have to speak to me directly.
"No, you mean to say that he's been complaining because I haven't been over there since Easter," I say, correcting her. "He has my number Sarah, I don't know why he has to make you tell me to come visit."
"He doesn't make me!," she argues. "I like it when we all get together. He just wants to see you for your birthday, thats not a bad thing is it?"
"We only all get together because he can't be alone with me," I say. "And he does know my birthday isn't for another month right?"
"Oh he knows," she says, "but he reckons it will probably take that long just to get you there."
I let out a genuine laugh that makes my face ache. The man is a pain in my ass, but his smart mouth always finds a way to make me smile. He has the type of dry wit that I find amusing. Jamie thinks that it makes him appear rude, but it's the only part of my father that I actually enjoy.
"Izzy, you know he wants you to come over a lot more than you do right?," Sarah asks.
"So he can make me feel like I've murdered half our family? No thanks."
"Izzy, that's not fair."
"None of it's fair Sarah. He might have lost his wife and father in law, but we lost our mom and Pop Pop too. I needed him, but instead he blamed me and I lost a dad who loved me on top of it all."
"He does love you Iz," she says. "If you'd just talk to him, I know he regrets a lot of what happened, he might not say it but he does."
"That's exactly the problem though isn't it Sarah? He doesn't say it."
Just like always, we're now at a standstill. Sarah won't stop trying to defend our dad, and I won't say that I can get past it. It's the same old story every-time we do this.
Eventually I let out a sigh and give in just so I don't have to fight her on it.
"Fine," I say, "I'll go see him."
I don't know why I ever bother to argue it, once my dad sends Sarah to fetch me, she always returns home triumphant.
"Aw Iz, that would be great!," she squeals. "He'll be so happy to see you. What are you doing Sunday of next week? I'm thinking barbecue."
"Oh wow, you were sure I'd give in weren't you?"
"Can you tell me one time that I haven't succeeded with this?"
I can't help but laugh, she's right. It's a sore subject for both of us, but we try not to let it come between us for the most part. Sarah adores Dad, and I can't be mad at her over the fact that she gets the best version of him, as hard as that can be to swallow.
I quickly do some estimations in my head. By next Sunday, even if the bruising on my face hasn't fully faded, I'm sure it will be easy to cover up, so I figure it's safe to agree. I'm looking forward to seeing Emily and Anna at least, I hate going long periods without seeing them.
"Great, so that's Sunday." Sarah says, sounding like she's ticking off a check list. "Now, what are you doing on Friday night?"
"Um... I don't know?"
Hopefully I'm not still homeless.
"Well, you just said you'd come to the next gig Adams band plays right? Well guess what? That's the next one, so now you're doing that!"
"Oh, uh…I don't kn-"
"I know, I know, you're shocked that I'm out two weeks in a row while I have two beautiful babies. Well lucky for them, they have plenty of grandparents who want sleepovers, so I'm taking advantage of it as much as I can, and you're coming with me."
"Can I see how this week goes?," I ask, attempting to dodge the invite. "I don't mean to be flakey, I just have a lot of stuff I need to get done."
"Hmm, I'm choosing to take that as a solid yes. Mark is actually bringing some equipment for Adam and the guys in his truck that night so we can get ready here and go together if you like?"
"I'm not sure, I'll let you know okay?"
I already start to think about what possible excuse I'll use for this, because there's no way in hell that I'll really be going to that gig. It's not a good idea for me to see Will, not to mention that I've far too many things to get done before Friday. Just thinking about it sets off a string of worries in my mind. I need to find somewhere to live. And what if I don't? I'll need to make a plan for that too. I also have to figure out what I'm doing about work tomorrow, and what I'm going to tell people. Crap, I've so much to organise.
With a whole new headache to fend off, I quickly finish up my call with Sarah, conscious of the fact that I need to get started. I'm annoyed that I gave in so quickly when it came to seeing my dad, but I have enough to stress about, so I ignore that problem for now and begin to pace the hotel room, trying to come up with some sort of objective.
After wearing a hole in this velvety carpet and weighing up all of my options, I ultimately decide to tell the ladies that I fell while out running. I can say that I tripped up some steps or over a dog lead or something, both are believable where I'm concerned. This way I don't need to take too much time off of work.
Next thing I need to figure out is where I'm going to live. I can afford another few nights here at the hotel if I need to, but I'd like to keep my stay short if I still want to have a rental deposit, so I need to send off some more applications and see how that plays out. If somehow the worst happens and I can't get a place as quick as I hope to, I'm sure Sarah will take me in for a few weeks. I doubt that she'd mind.
Once I've sorted through all of that and made some kind of game plan for myself, I start to feel a little bit calmer about things. I feel like it might all actually work out, like I dont need Jamie to survive.
♾️
I took a shower to relax my muscles after my run, but after I got out there were even more texts and voicemails from Jamie. He really isn't going to make this easy is he?
Looking over a few of the messages, I wonder why he bothered. They're all filled with the same excuses as before, although his last one does stand out to me.
JAMIE: Iz, I really need talk to you, I'm ready to be honest with you and tell you what's been going on. Things haven't been right and I know it. Please just meet me somewhere, it can be as public as you want, but I need to tell you some stuff. Please hear me out, I really need you right now.
It's weird, he almost sounds vulnerable, and that's not like Jamie at all. Either way, I decide to delete the message and switch my phone to silent. Right now I need to find somewhere to live and I don't need the distraction.
Opening up my emails, I find I've received one solitary reply out of all of the applications I sent out yesterday. All it does is give me a date that the room is available for viewing, and that's over two weeks away. This is not looking good.
A few more hours and countless more applications for rooms and studios later, I'm both frazzled and tired. Every place begins to look the same, and my stomach is screaming at me for food. I pick up my phone only to find that the battery has died too. Shit, I never took my charger from our bedroom when I was leaving. I groan in frustration, this is the last thing I need.
Thankfully I remember that there was a little stand at the a gas station up the street. With any luck they might at least have a cable that I can plug in here. The hotel has those little USB ports anyway so its worth a try. I pull on my baseball cap and grab my purse, crossing my fingers that I get lucky.
The foyer of the hotel is buzzing with people as I make my way through. It's late Sunday afternoon, and there's some sort of instrumental live music and dinner happening. I look like I'm about to hold up a store or something with my sweat pants, t-shirt and cap combo, so I make the effort to be as invisible as possible, pulling the cap low over my face. I don't want to have a bunch of people staring at me.
I spot Jennifer starting another shift on my way out and give her a small wave, her big wide smile could fix my whole day.
Rushing out the front door, I try to remember the direction of the gas station, but between that and my hat being pulled down, I lose my surroundings a little and accidentally smack right into somebody as they walk by the hotel.
My hat comes off, and I somehow manage to knock the persons coffee right out of their hands, spilling it all over my white t-shirt. This day is just getting better and better.
"Oh my god, I'm really sorry," I begin to blabber with embarrassment. "I wasn't looking where I was going. I'm so clumsy."
I pick up their coffee cup, which is actually pretty pointless considering that I'm now wearing the thing. They're busy reassuring me, telling me that it's alright as they grab my baseball cap off the ground. It's only when they hand it to me that we finally get a look at each other.
"Will?"