It's just about noon when I wake. My phone is inundated with voice mails and messages from Jamie. There's a voice mail from Sarah too, so I listen to that first.
"Hey Sis, I was just calling to say hi, maybe see if you wanted to have a coffee later?Call me back! Oh hey, actually I hear we have a mutual friend. Or you have a friend who's a friend of my friend I guess... I don't know what they call that! Anyway, call me, I'm at home today so you should come over, the girls would love to see you and I'd love to let you look after them while I get my caffeine fix. Love you."
I don't have the headspace to worry about how much Will might have told his friend Adam or Sarah before Jamies messages begin to play.
"Iz, please listen to me, I know I really messed up this time, the second it happened I knew it was too far. I tried to take care of you after. I tried to fix it, but I knew that wasn't going to cut it. That stuff with my dad, I can explain it all, it was just something for the guys at work. It was a bad move, I didn't actually have much to do with it as such... it was just some dancers, it was nothing. I didn't touch any of them, I promise. God Iz...I really didn't expect you to leave. Please come home to me, I love you."
The next one plays as I try to wrap my head around the first.
"Izzy it's me again, this is all so nuts, I have to see you, just let me explain everything, you'll understand. Tell me where you are and I'll come to you. Please call me back."
His next three messages are pretty much the same thing. Pleading, explaining... lying. I'm angry about so much, but its the lies that make it that much worse. Dancers? Is that why he called one a call girl? The one he sent to the hospital? Or at least somebody did, I don't know who, and I doubt I'll ever find out what happened either if he's already lying about it. He obviously cheated on me last night, and I bet he'll deny that too, but I heard his dad loud and clear.
He didn't expect me to leave?
Those words play over and over in my mind. At what point did he expect me to? Did he think I'd just wait around until he tried to kill me?
My phone dings again with a text message.
JAMIE: Babe, I really wish you'd tell me you're safe. I need to know you're okay. I need to talk to you. Please xx'
My stomach turns at his use of affectionate names, I think this time it's really it for me.
I could be petty and message him back, tell him that I'm safe because I'm not with him, but it's best that I don't. Right now I'm torn between how much I love who he could be all of the time, and how much I hate who he turns into some of the time.
I text Sarah instead, letting her know I can't make it today but maybe next week. I need some time for this swelling to go down before I see anyone. Or maybe I can say that I fell, that way I wouldn't have to take much time off work.
She texts me back almost immediately.
SARAH: Don't avoid me Missy! Call me later. I need to talk to you about something! x
I'll call her back at a better time. When I don't think I'll be a blubbering mess down the phone.
I sit on the bed, looking around the hotel room. I was so tired when I got here that I didn't take a proper look around.
It's nice, cozy even, probably somewhere you'd come for a weekend away.
The bed linen is soft and crisp white, the pillows are like gigantic clouds and the shower is big enough for two to fit comfortably, it could be romantic if thats what you were after.
I shake my head in disbelief of the fact that I'm here, not with my boyfriend, but because of him. How did my life end up here?
How could I allow someone to do this to me? Why did I take it for so long?
I curl myself up into a ball, I'm not ready to face those questions yet. Instead, I wrap myself up in the bed covers and allow myself to cry. To mourn the person I was, the life I had, all of the things that I lost because I choose Jamie. The time for being strong will come, but it's not today.
♾️
I spend most of the day in the room switching between crying, vomiting or searching for a place to live. By the late afternoon my stomach is raw and I'm not even sure how many applications I've sent out.
There's a thrift store nearby that I need to get to before they close at five, so I make the effort to have a shower before I get going.
I try covering up my face with some concealer and powder. It's not a bad job, it doesn't hide it all and I suppose the bruise hasn't progressed much yet either, but it's the best I can do, so I finish getting ready and go.
A baseball cap and some sunglasses are top of the list, I pick those up and then run to the thrift store to see if I can get a few items of clothing that will do for the next couple of days. I'm not sure when I'll be able to get all my stuff from the apartment. Or how. Or where it's going...
I pick up a sandwich and a few snacks to eat when I get back to the room and then I make my way back to the hotel. My trip out into the world was short, but even that was too much right now, so I crawl right back into bed. I'm feeling so lost that its all I can do not to let it eat me alive.
Wills book catch's my eye from the little dresser that sits under the mirror. I debate sending him a message after being so rude the other day, but I'm unsure if I want to. It would be so nice to have a friend right now, but I couldn't even begin to explain any of this, and I'm having a hard time convincing myself that friendship is all that I want from him. Maybe I'm just feeling vindictive for all of the things Jamie has done over these past few years, maybe I want to hurt him like he hurt me. Whatever it is, I know that its best to leave it alone.
My phone continues to light up with calls and messages from Jamie, all going unread and unanswered as I try to block out the memory of him laughing at me while I was on my knees in front of him. I exhaust myself with tears as the rest of the evening seems to slip by me. As I drift back off to sleep, I'm tormented with all of the memories of things that Jamie has said or done to me.
How could he do any of it to someone he loved?
♾️
Sunday morning, the sun wakes me as it creeps it's way through the curtains.
I'd like to try clear my mind a bit with a run, so I jump up and drive to a park I wouldn't normally go to and put in some headphones. I run so long that my legs start to cramp and feel like they'll collapse at any moment, but then I just keep going. Feeling anything other than this anxious pit in my stomach is a bonus.
By the time I get back to the hotel there's another barrage of messages from Jamie and one from Sarah. Shoot! I never called her back yesterday. I should probably get it over with, so I pull up her number and press call.
"Well hello there stranger!," she says the second she answers. She's always so sarcastic when we've gone awhile without seeing each other.
"Hey, how are you? Sorry I didn't call yesterday." I don't try to give an excuse, she won't ask for one either.
"Me? I'm swell! Emily just vomited up a pack of gummy worms that she ate in secret, so that's fun!"
I can hear her try to manage things in the backround, she certainly has her hands full. "Ohh no no," she says, scolding one of the girls, "no more sweets for you! Go lay down until your tummy starts to feel better."
"Am I interrupting?" I ask, "I can call back later if its a bad time?"
"No it's alright, I've seen this kid fish candy out of the trash, she'll be fine. So, how are you? Did you do anything with your weekend?"
My stomach bottoms out. Its a good thing I've mastered lying about how things are with Jamie already.
"Not much," I say, "Jamie was at a work thing Friday so I was home, we stayed in last night too."
"Really? Because that guy Will said you had plans with Jamie on Friday and that's why you didn't come to the show?"
Why on earth would Will say that? Why did he even bring me up!?
"Um...no?, I mean, I never told him that. Maybe it was a miscommunication or something. I told him I couldn't make it to the show and that was it, he must of assumed…"
"I see. So how come you didn't come then?," she questions, "It would have been great to have a night out with you! You'll have to come next time."
I'm not good at this, I've no idea what Will told my sister and I don't want her to catch me in this lie.
"I just didn't feel up to it, it was a long week with work."
Vague, thats the best option here.
"But sure, I'd love to come next time, it will be fun."
I can get out of that when the time comes.
"I'm holding you to it," she says. "So how do you know Will?"
Sarah is suspiciously curious about him, I don't like it one bit.
"I met him at the store, he comes in and out a bit, he is a musician after all."
"Right, that's what he said too, I just thought it was weird…"
"Weird? In what way?"
"Well, don't eat me up here Iz, but I didn't think you were allowed to have male friends. Especially new ones."
I've no idea how ro respond to that. Shes completely right, but it still leaves me a little stunned for a second.
"Im sorry," she says, "I realise how that sounds Iz, but after that whole thing with Jamie and that guy Zach and the fact that I never hear you talk much about your friends anymore... I just thought it was all kind of strange."
I never realised how observant Sarah was when it came to Jamie and I. I'd give her credit for it if I wasn't sweating because of all of her questions right now.
"Of course I can," I insist, "don't be silly. I can have whatever friends I want, Jamie doesn't care."
Jamie doesn't know.
"Oh, okay. We'll I'm glad to hear that. So, how is Captain Colourless anyway?"
I can hear the mischief in her voice as I hold back a smile.
Sarah has called Jamie that from the day she met him. She thinks he's dull. She said that even his voice was monotonous. It's not true of course, I know first hand thats there is nothing dull about Jamie at all.
"He's fine, sleeping off a hangover."
Should I just tell her, I wonder? Tell her we broke up and that I've moved out? I know I could, but then she will want to see me and comfort me, and I don't want her to see me right now. Not like this.
I hate this, it's so hard not being able to talk to her. I begin to steer our conversation away from Jamie, that way I don't have to lie.
"So hey, what was this thing you wanted to talk to me about?," I ask.
"Oh yeah. Um… so I was wondering if… well actually I wasn't wondering anything but… okay, Dad is asking about you."
Ah, of course, I should have known. This is my dads usual trick. He contacts me via Sarah so that he doesn't actually have to speak to me directly.
"You mean to say that he's complaining because I haven't been over there since Easter," I say, correcting her. "He has my number Sarah, I don't know why he makes you tell me to come visit."
"He doesn't make me! I like it when we all get together. He just wants to see you for your birthday, thats not a bad thing is it?"
"We only all get together because he can't be alone with me," I say. "And he does know my birthday isn't for another month right?"
"Oh he knows, but he said it will probably take that long just to get you there."
I let out a genuine laugh that makes my face ache. The man is a pain in my ass, but can always make me giggle. He has the type of dry wit that I find amusing. Jamie thinks that it makes him appear rude, but its the only part of my father that I enjoy.
"Izzy, you know he wants you to come over a lot more than you do right?," Sarah says.
"So he can make me feel like I've murdered half our family? No thanks."
"Izzy, that's not fair."
"None of it's fair Sarah. He might have lost his wife and father in law, but we lost our Mom and Pop Pop too. I needed him, but instead I lost a dad who loved me on top of it all."
"He does love you Iz," she says. "If you'd just talk to him, I know he regrets a lot of what happened, he might not say it but he does."
"That's exactly the problem isn't it though Sarah? He doesn't say it."
Just like always, we're now at a standstill. Sarah won't stop trying to defend dad, and I won't say that I can get past it. Its the same old story everytime we do this.
Eventually I let out a sigh and give in just so I don't have to fight her on it.
"Fine," I say, "I'll go to see him."
I don't know why I ever bother to argue it, once my dad sends Sarah to fetch me, she always returns home triumphant anyway.
"Awh Iz that would be great!," she squeals. "He'll be so happy to see you. What are you doing Sunday of next week? I'm thinking barbecue."
"Oh wow you really knew I'd give in didn't you?"
"Can you tell me one time that I haven't succeeded with this?"
I can't help but laugh, she's right. It's a sore subject for both of us, but we try not to let it come between us for the most part. She adores him and I can't be mad at her over the fact that she gets the best version of him, as hard as that can be to swallow.
I quickly think it over. By next Sunday, even if the bruising on my face hasn't fully faded, I'm sure it will be easy to cover up, so I agree to go. I'm looking forward to seeing Emily and Anna anyway, I hate going long periods without seeing them.
"Great, so that's Sunday." Sarah says, sounding like she's ticking off a check list. "Now, what are you doing on Friday night?"
"Um... I don't know actually."
Hopefully I'm not still homeless.
"Well, you just said you'd come to the next gig Adams band were playing, and guess what?That's the next one, so now you're doing that!"
"Oh, uh…I don't kn-"
"I know, I know, you're shocked that I'm out two weeks in a row while I have two beautiful babies! But lucky for them, they have plenty of grandparents that want sleepovers, so I'm taking advantage of it as much as I can, and you're coming with me."
"Can I see how this week goes?," I ask. "I don't mean to be flakey, I just have a lot of stuff I need to get done."
"Humm, I'm choosing to take that as a solid yes. Mark is actually bringing some equipment for Adam and the guys in his truck that night so we can get ready here and go together if you like?"
"I'll let you know okay?"
I start to think about all of the things I have to get done before Friday. Not to mention the fact that I dont know how well my make up skills will fare out by then. I doubt very much that I'll actually be able to go, but I won't break that news just yet.
Just thinking about it sets off a string of worries in my mind. I need to find somewhere to live. And what if I don't? I'll need to make a plan for that too. I need to decide what I'm doing about work, and what I'm going to tell people. I've so much to organise.
I finish up the call with Sarah, concious of the fact that I need to get started. I'm annoyed that I gave in so quickly when it came to seeing my dad, but I have enough to stress about, so I push it to the back of my mind for now and begin to pace the hotel room, trying to come up with some sort of plan.
After considering all of my options, I decide that I'm going tell the ladies that I fell while out running, maybe up some steps or over a dog lead or something that's believable, that way I don't need to take too much time off of work, and if I can't cover up by Sunday, it will be no big deal either.
Next is where I'm living. I can afford another few nights in the hotel if I need to and still have a rental deposit, so I need to send some more applications and see how that plays out. But if somehow the worst happens and I can't get a place as quick as I hope, I'm sure Sarah will take me in for a few weeks, I doubt that she'd mind.
Once I've sorted through some of my options, I start to feel a little bit calmer about things, like it might all actually work out. Like I dont need Jamie to survive.
♾️
I took a shower to relax my muscles after my run, but after I got out there were even more texts and voicemails from Jamie. He really isn't going to make this easy.
Looking over a few of the messages, I wonder why he bothered. They're filled with the same excuses as before, although his last one does stand out to me.
JAMIE: Iz, I really need talk to you, I'm ready to be honest with you and tell you what's been going on. Things haven't been right and I know it. Please just meet me somewhere, it can be as public as you want, but I need to tell you some stuff, please hear me out, I really need you right now.
It's weird, he almost sounds vulnerable. That's not like Jamie at all. Either way, I decide to delete the message and switch my phone to silent. I need to find somewhere to live and I don't need the distraction right now.
Opening up my emails, I find I've received one solitary reply from all of the applications I sent out yesterday. All it does is give me a date that the room is available for viewing that's over than two weeks away. This is not looking good.
After a few more hours and countless more applications for rooms and studios, I'm both frazzled and tired. Every place begins to look the same, and my stomach is screaming at me for food. I pick up my phone only to find that the battery has died too. Shit, I never took my charger from our bedroom when I was leaving. I groan in frustration, this is the last thing I need.
There's a gas station up the street, they might at least have a cable I can plug in here, the hotel has those little USB ports anyway so its worth a try. I pull on my baseball cap and grab my purse, hoping to get lucky.
The foyer of the hotel is buzzing with people, it's late Sunday afternoon and there's some sort of live music and dinner happening. I look like I'm about to hold up a store or something with my sweat pants, tshirt and cap combo, so I make the effort to be as invisible as possible, pulling the cap low over my face. I don't want to have a bunch of people staring at me.
I spot Jennifer starting another shift on my way out and give her a small wave, her big wide smile could fix my whole day.
Rushing out the front door, I try to remember the direcrion of the gas station, but between that and my hat being pulled down, I lose my surroundings a little and accidentally smack right into somebody that's walking by the hotel.
My hat comes off, and I somehow manage to knock the persons coffee right out of their hands, spilling it all over my white tshirt. This day is just getting better and better.
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry," I begin to blabber from the embarrassment. "I wasn't looking where I was going. I'm so clumsy, I'm really sorry."
I pick up their coffee cup, which appears to be pointless considering that I'm now wearing the contents. They're busy reassuring me, telling me that it's alright as they grab my baseball cap off the ground. It's only when they hand it to me that we finally get a look at each other.
"Will?"