I obviously did not physically kill either my mom or my grandfather. Logically I know this. Logically my dad knows this too, however that logic couldn't bring him to look me in the eye when he came into the hospital room to see me after it happened. Or at the funeral, or memorial masses, or just about any time we spoke about them.
In his mind, if I didn't need to be somewhere that day, nobody would have been in the car, we would never have been hit by a truck, and my mom and pop pop would still be here. Living.
I was only eleven when they died. I had a violin recital that day and we were running a little late. Sarah and Dad were meant to come along too, but Sarah was running a fever, so they stayed behind.
I was so excited to have my grandfather there to watch me, he was going to see the result of all the work he had poured into me over the years and I was beyond happy about it.
We were only a few minutes behind. My mom said she could still get us there on time and not to worry about it. I remember how she smiled at me through her rear view mirror, promising that it would all be fine.
She loved to watch me perform. No doubt she would be recording me up there on stage, as the tears in her eyes made them sparkle.
At some point along the way she missed a stop sign. A pick up truck coming from our left hand side hit the front of our car. I don't remember much of it all, just that a lot of people came to help. All of a sudden I was with a strange woman at the back of an ambulance while paramedics worked on my grandfather. I couldn't see my mom.
The truck driver was across the street, sitting on the curb in a state of shock as he watched on. His pale thin face is burned into my memory.
When we got to the hospital, they put me in a room on my own and checked me over, but bar a few cuts and bruises, I was fine. I figured that was going to be the case for my mom and grandfather too.
I waited and waited for my mom to walk in and check on me… I must of asked to see her a hundred times.
When my dad finally came into the room, I could tell that he had been crying.
There was no sensitivity from him at all, he just blurted it out.
"They're dead Isobel."
I can still hear him say it. Still hear his voice break. The sound of his uncontrollable sobbing haunts me.
My mom pretty much died on impact when the truck hit. My grandfather hung on as best he could, but died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital from internal bleeding. The only thing that saved me was my placement in the car. I was on the right hand side in the back. I think about that all the time. Had I got in the other side of the car, or had I begged my pop pop to let me sit up front like I always did, I'd be with them.
Everyone said I was lucky.
It didn't feel that way though.
For months the remainder of our family moved through this thick black fog. Our whole world was dark. Finding any kind of normal was impossible, and every single bit of our life changed.
We would take Sunday visits to the graveyard, Sarah and I began to dread the weekends but Dad insisted. One Sunday, several months after they had passed, my dad had been having a particularly rough week. That's when he said it.
He turned to me, tears running down his face as he clutched their headstone and he said;
"I can't help but blame you for all of this Isobel. They should be here, but they're not, and it's all because you wanted to go to that god-damn recital."
That was it, our relationship was never the same again.
Sarah was like a mediator at times, ensuring communication happened between us. Of course my dad took care of me in a basic sense. He made sure that I had everything I needed physically, but emotionally, the difference between Sarah and I was measurable.
I tried everything to win him back. I never caused trouble at school, I was always home on time, no drugs, no drinking, no boys creeping around. I worked hard thinking it would all mean something to him, but it didn't. The older I got, the harder it was to come back from. I stopped trying so hard to get his attention. I stayed with friends as much as I could, did extra classes, got a part time job. Anything that meant I was out of that house as much as possible.
I'm sure he was happy when I finally moved out at nineteen. He didn't have to avoid entering rooms incase he had to engage with me anymore. He didn't even have to think about me if he didn't want to.
Now we're civil when we see each other. Ask the expected questions, give the expected answers. He checks in on me by telling Sarah when I haven't been around for awhile, then she guilts me into visiting him again. We follow that pattern year after year and that's just how we get by.
♾️
"So", I say, meeting Will's eyes after spilling my guts to him for the second time tonight. "You've known me a handful of days now and so far I've lied about having a boyfriend, had a panic attack, been a bitch to you, spilled your coffee while hiding from that boyfriend I lied about, and now I've told you all about how my father thinks I killed my mom... are you scared to know me yet?"
"Well I mean, when you put it that way, it does make your life seem like a bit of a soap oprah," he says.
We both laugh about it, but he's not wrong.
"You know you really don't have to deal with all of this Will," I tell him. "With me I mean, if it's too much I'd understand. I know I have a lot going on right now."
I'm sure Will would rather a simpler friend.
"I recall you telling me you were vanilla Izzy," he says, cocking an eyebrow at me before gesturing to a guy at the bar for another round of beers for us. I guess I'm staying put.
"Oops, I guess I did."
"It's not too much," he says reassuringly. "It's a lot, and by that I mean that it's a lot for you. But it's not like you made any of that stuff happen. Okay, you lied to me, you did do that, but you didn't make yourself panic, you didn't assault yourself, and you absolutely did not, kill your family."
I feel a lump form in my throat, its strange having someone be this kind to me.
"Isobel, I really need you to hear me on this," he says as he leans in closer, pinning me in place those damn eyes of his.
"There's nothing you could have ever done that would make you deserve what that guy is doing to you. Nothing. I'm all for karma, but this is not it. You did nothing wrong. And hey, fuck your dad too, he sounds like an asshole."
His blunt outburst sends me into a fit of giggles.
"That's charming," I say, "I bet he'd like you."
Will has a way with words that cuts straight to the point with no apologies. I think it's my favourite thing about him.
It's also nice to finally have a light moment among all of the heavy. It's a reminder that there's a lot more than sadness in my life.
"Anyway look," I say, waving my hand, "enough about all of this sad stuff and my messy life, how was your show? Sarah said she had a blast."
"Oh really? That's great! Yeah it was a really good, no hiccups. We had drinks after with some friends, your sister was there actually.
I hope it was alright that I mentioned that I knew you? If I had known everything…"
"Um,yeah, she told me. It's totally fine. She asked me to come with her next Friday actually, to see you guys."
"Oh?"
"I didn't give her an answer just yet, but I think I could use a night off from all of this. If I'm able to cover up by then, and as long as I have my living situation sorted out, I dont see why not."
"You should," Will says enthusiastically. "I'd love to have you there. Do you have a plan for eveything yet? Or somewhere to go?"
"Yes, I do. I have a plan, kind of. I'll be okay."
For the first time I genuinely feel confident when I say that. I know I don't have anything lined up yet, but there has to be something good coming my way right?
"Is there anything I can do to help?," Will asks. "I'm not sure what you might need? Some money or something?"
"No! No really, I'm fine," I insist, embarrassed that he'd even offer. "I have some savings there of my own. I can pay the hotel for an extra few days if I need to. I have a deposit for rent too, its all okay. Worst case scenario, if I really have to, I can stay with Sarah until I find somewhere."
"Have you told her about any of this?"
"Nothing. She knows he messed up my teaching position for me, but she was ready to do jail time for that, so its best she doesn't get involved now. I'll tell her that Jamie and I broke up when I see her this week but that's it. She can come help me pack my things if she really wants to do something useful."
"Will he let you take your stuff without any problems?," Will asks.
"I'm not sure. I have thought about it though, and I might have a plan. There's this app on my phone for our alarm system, it shows when it's turned on or off. We usually set it when we're both out, so I could use it to make sure that Jamie has left for work and then go and get my things while he's gone."
"That doesn't sound all that safe for you Isobel."
"Maybe not, but I've never really left anyone before so, I guess I have to go with my gut."
"Or I could come with you?," Will offers. "Then you wouldn't have to worry about being alone with him."
I honestly couldn't think of a situation much worse than that. Imagine what Jamie would do if he had to watch Will help me leave. He'd kill me.
Ugh, how on earth have we managed to get back to the heavy stuff again?
"I'm sure it will all work out alright," I say, brushing off his suggestion. "But seriously, let's move on from all of that, I need a break. I'm beyond tired of talking about myself."
"Alright, alright, no more questions about it. Just don't do anything crazy alright? Like
I said, I'm happy to help, all you have to do is ask."
"I will," I say, nodding my head. "I promise. So anyway, where are you living?"
"I'm just over on Berkley Avenue," he says, "do you know it?"
"Oh sure! It's really nice there, I had a friend who lived over that way. Do you like it?"
"Yeah it's great, it's really quiet. Exactly what I need."
"I didn't take you as the quiet type," I say.
"Oh yeah?" he asks, tilting his head to the side. "What type did you take me as?"
I blush a bit, I'm not quite sure what I even meant by that.
"I don't know," I say with a shrug, "I figured you'd be throwing parties and playing loud music all night and stuff."
"Ah, so you thought I was a generic musician."
"Is that bad?"
He smiles. "Its sterotyping is what it is."
Another flush of embarassment creeps up my neck as Will chuckles at my exspence, I guess there is more to him than I thought.
"Have you lived there long?" I ask, trying to keep the spotlight off of me.
"About three years," he replies. "I was only eighteen when we sold Dads house, so I lived with Annie for a couple of years first. Then I bought a place in a neighbourhood not to far from her. It's was alright, my girlfriend Kim moved in awhile after I bought it."
Girlfriend?
I try hard to keep a reaction from forming on my face, and stay quiet in the hope he elaborates on that. Thankfully it works.
"Then a few years after living together, a dog and an engagement, I found her in our bed with her brothers best friend."
"Holy shit!" I say, totally gobsmacked.
What a bomb to drop. I can't understand it? Will seems perfect.
He lets out a snort at my choice of language, but I'm sure I'm not the only person that was shocked by that happening to him.
"Yeah," he agrees, "holy shit. It seems crazy when I think back on it now because I knew that there was something going on between them. I was so sure of it. I even asked her out straight once and she told me it wasn't happening and that I was being paranoid. She said that she couldn't believe I'd accuse her, blah blah blah... all of that stuff. Lo and behold, there they were when I got home one night, completely naked and fast asleep with his arm wrapped around her."
"Fuck. So what happened then? You moved out of your own house?"
"No, she moved out. But then I couldn't really live there after we had been there as a couple, so I sold it and bought the place I have now. It's weird, sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had never caught them. Would she have went ahead with the wedding? Would we have a kids by now? Would she still be carrying around that secret? Or would she have left me? I know it's not really worth thinking about, but I can't help it, it's something I'll always carry with me."
"Wow. I'm really sorry that happened to you Will."
The appreciation is evident on his face, but he still murmurs a thank you.
"So what happened to her?," I ask. "Did she and this guy get together?"
"They did. They're still around, I see them sometimes. They got married, and they seem happy I guess."
Its like he's trying to be the bigger person right now when he really doesn't need to be.
"You don't have to be happy for them you know," I tell him.
"I'm not," he says with conviction. "I hope he fucks their dog walker."
I almost spit out my beer with laughter. At least he's honest, although I can't believe she took the dog too
"So," he places his hands on the table, "now that we both know each others drama, you need to tell me something good in your life, what makes you happiest?"
His question catches me off guard, but its really not all that hard to answer.
"Lots of things make me happy," I tell him. "My niece's, the two ladies, running, chocolate! But I guess music is what makes me happiest though. It's something that can be helpful to everyone I think. I can be in any type of mood and find something that fits with my feelings, there's nothing quite like it. I love it."
"What type is your favourite?," he asks.
"I love to teach classical, I like to show how the melodies and principals relate and show up in todays music a lot, it can be cool to look at. Overall though I'm a rock & roll girl at heart. It's hard not to be when you're from here. I definately have an unhealthy obsession with AC/DC. What about you? What makes you happy Will?"
"Well you kind of stole my answer with the music stuff!," he tuts as he rolls his eyes playfully.
"I guess writing does it for me. Working lyrics into something that makes sense, and then having it be perceivable. I enjoy covering other artists music, but there's just something special about writing your own and having people sing along to it. It's amazing."
It brings me so much joy to sit and hear him talk about his writing and singing the way he does. Even with the tough days he has to look back on, Will is a genuinely happy person. It's beautiful.
I listen intently as he tells me about songs he's written, and how there's some lyrics he has that he's holding onto because he can't quite get the music right yet. He cringes as he recalles his first attempt at putting a song together, he even sang a line to me to explain a melody he used. I need to experience him do this properly.
"I wish I'd seen you play before, I'm kind of jealous of Sarah right now," I say. "Although to be fair she's asked me to go see you guys a hundred times."
"So why didn't you?"
I give him an obvious look. "It saved an argument."
"Of course, sorry..."
Will pretends to zip his mouth closed, leaving that conversation where it is.
"Would you like another drink?," he asks.
Checking my watch, I find that it's well past ten now. We've been talking here for hours. I'm torn. I should go back to my room and charge my phone. I need to continue applying for places too. Ontop of that, I never even called Carol or Michelle... I wonder if it's too late to send a message? No, it's fine, I'll call in the morning.
I know I'd love to stay here and talk to Will all night but...
As if he can read my internal conflict, Will makes the decision for us.
"Let's have one more," he says, "but we'll drink it back in the office so that I can show you something."
I give him a look that could split a block of ice.
"In the office?" I ask suspiciously. "What is it you want to show me back there?"
If that look I gave wasn't accusing enough, my tone certainly is.
"You caught me Isobel,"he says. "I'm going to take you back there, where anyone can walk by and see us, and I'm going to take advantage of the four whole beers you've had. How in the world did you foil such a cunning plan?"
Sliding out of his seat, he smiles down at me.
"C'mon," he says, "I think you'll like it."
"Alright fine," I agree.
With that, Will walks around to the bar himself, taking our two final beers and motioning to the barman that he's leaving.
"Okay," he calls to me, "let's go."
I get myself up and follow him again. The lights inside the office are off this time, Annie must be gone already. I flick them on as Will places our drinks down before disappearing again. When he comes back in a moment later, he's holding an acoustic guitar.
"Would you wanna' hear something?," he asks.
"Oh my god yes!" I almost squeal with excitement.
"Wait, do you just have that thing lying around here or is this one of your moves?," I ask, narrowing my eyes at him again.
"Ah yes, because it makes complete sense for me to own a restaurant that plays live music, but to never actually play here myself right?"
"Touché."
"Anyway," he says, "if I was pulling a move on you, there would be no mistaking it. I told you before, I don't dance around these things Izzy. And I'd have locked the door too," he says as he gives me that cocky grin again. I swear, I almost have to cross my legs from the feelings it stirs in me.
"Now keep in mind that we have very few acoustic songs so I'm going to have to wing it a little bit here," he says.
"No problem, I'm sure whatever you do will be great."
I pick up my beer and take a seat, listening to Will as he starts to play. His voice is like a tonic. He rocks himself in time as his fingers slide over the neck of his guitar, I don't know if it's the drinks or him but I find myself wondering if that's not all his fingers would be good at.
Christ, get it together Isobel, think of why you're here!
I pull my attention back to Wills music, trying to keep myself focused on the lyrics as he transitions into the chorus. The words fall off his tongue like they could only have ever been sung by him. I'm not fully sure what the song is about, or why he wrote it, all I care about right now is that he's singing it to me.
I'm well aware of the typical cliché about women adoring musicians, it's a given. However I've been around them all my life and not once have I ever wanted one to touch me the way I want Will to right now. He is captivating.
He croons his way through the rest of his song as I drink him in. When he finishes, it feels as if someone has taken away my toys, I want more.
My body is tense, I grip onto my beer bottle like it's the only thing stopping me from walking over there and doing a whole bunch of things I'll regret.
"That was... it was amazing Will."
I swallow, trying to keep myself under control, but I know that it's not only me feeling this heat between us.
I notice Wills eyes slowly roam over my body as I sit here with my knees pinned together like they're holding back a flood. I can tell by the satisfaction on his face that he knows exactly what he's done to me. I need to get my ass out of here before I do something stupid.
"So, I gotta get going!" I say, placing my drink down and fumbling with my hoodie before managing to put my arm through the wrong sleeve. I'm a mess right now, and it's all thanks to him.
I try to right myself, but my conversation isn't any better.
"I'm really looking forward to seeing you guys on Friday and meeting the rest of your band. And thank you so much for today. I feel like there's a huge elephant lifted off of my shoulders. Or, no, I mean a weight off of my elephant! Oh boy…"
I stop talking and take a steading breath.
"A huge weight off of my shoulders. That's what I meant to say. So thank you."
Will ignores my babbling and puts his guitar down behind him, sitting it across the office table that he's perched on. He reaches out and takes the zip either side of my hoodie and pulls me in closer to him. I can feel his breath on my skin as he slots the zipper together at the bottom.
"It's getting a little colder out there Isobel, and our cheap shirts have done enough talking for you tonight."
His eyes glance to my chest, I quickly look down to see what he's talking about.
Well I'll be damned, he can see right through the flimsy little shirt that Annie gave me.
"Jesus!," I say, pulling my hands across my chest to hide my white lace bra as the mortification sets in. "Why didn't you tell me?," I hiss.
"How do you think I listened to you talk for so long?," he says with a laugh. I reach out and slap his arm.
"I'm kidding! Here," he says "let me do it for you."
Will pulls me to him again and takes the zip between his fingers one more time, closing the hoodie right up to my chest. I wonder if he can tell that my mind is literally screaming at him to touch me.
"It's was fine when only I could see that tiny piece of fabric you call a bra Isobel," he says, "but I don't like to share."
His eyes meet mine again before making their way dawn my front. He lets out a soft sigh.
"Alright, let's get you back to your hotel before I decide to be much less of a gentleman."
"How so?" I ask daringly, refusing to be the only one embarrassed here.
"Don't. I only have so much willpower and right now it's running dry."
I don't push him any further, probably for the best. Four little beers wouldn't make me anywhere near brave enough to contribute that conversation anyway.
♾️
I didn't expect Will to walk me all the way back to the hotel, but it's an extra bonus to spend a little more time with him when he does.
When we get there I worry that we're about to have that awkward exchange of goodbyes where we don't know if we should hug or not, but Will is unapologetically smooth. He leans in and kisses my unblemished cheek goodbye and waits for me to get inside the lobby before moving off.
I feel like a teenager that's just had their first date. This is rocky ground for me and I need to be careful. I don't need anything other than a friend right now and it would be wise to remember that.
I have to stop flirting with him.
I finally get my phone plugged into the charger I bought when I get to my room, and then wait for it to come to life. Yet again there's endless messages from Jamie. I read though some of them, almost feeling sorry for him as I skim them. He sounds like he's hurting.
Good.
Ignoring the barrage of feelings swarming my mind, I step into the bathroom to have a quick shower. I finally get to wash off that coffee smell.
When I get back out, there's a new
message there from a number I don't recognise.
UNKNOWN: 'Hi Izzy! Hope you don't mind but I got your number from Will. I had to bomb his phone with messages until he gave it to me! Please let me know if you need anything at all over the next while. I'm around all day Tuesday too if you'd like to get together? Annie x'
Honestly she is far too sweet, it's hard to believe she's even real. Shes like a Disney princess or something. I'd love to see her again, so I agree to meet her after work on Tuesday for dinner. I'm feeling pretty lucky to have met both her and Will right now. Maybe stepping away from Jamie is exactly what I needed to do.
As I get myself ready for bed, I struggle to get Will out of my head. Why does it feel like we had a moment? All I wanted him to do was to take complete control and do me right there on that damn office desk.
God, I really shouldn't be thinking that. I've got to be confused. I'm taking someone being nice to me as something more.Those few beers went to my head, thats all it is. Or is it?
All I know for sure is that I'm not going to get a wink of sleep with the thought of him touching me playing on a loop in my mind.
I can't stop thinking of Wills lips as he sang, longing to be able to kiss them. And his hands... I wonder what it would feel like to have them on me?
Closing my eyes, I let my desires take over and slide my fingers into my panties, imagining they belong to him. That it's Will who knows exactly where to touch me, finding a rhythm that makes me squirm as I begin to feel the build up.
I imagine him kissing my neck, as his calloused hands bury themselves into my hair, holding it tight as he thrusts into me. I can't hold myself back, and I don't feel any concern for the neighbouring rooms either side of me as I cry out, increasing the pace of my fingers.
Fuck, I could explode right now.
My thoughts have me doing things I've never even done before, like sitting with my knees either side of Wills head as I grind on his tongue, screaming in ecstasy. That's it. That's the final push I need. My body releases, it's so mind blowing that I wonder if I'll ever need my vibrator again, because this is easily the best solo experience I've ever had.
I try to catch my breath, and slip back to reality. What a bad situation to find myself in. What the hell am I doing? Hiding from one guy and fantasising about another. What an idiot.
All of that frustration I felt minutes ago is now replaced by a whole new sense of confusing guilt.
Without a doubt, Will is going to be trouble for me.