Annie and I step out of the elevator together. My heart is racing so fast that I can feel my pulse right to the tips of my fingers.
"My brother will kill me when he finds out I let you do this," she whispers, her voice still managing to carry throughout the corridor.
"He'll kill me when he finds out that I brought you with me," I counter, keeping my eyes trained in front of me.
We stop outside the apartment door. Number twenty three. Pulling my phone out, I double check that the alarm is still on before attempting to go inside. I hit disarm on the security app and wait to hear the little robotic voice from inside. "System disarmed."
Okay, time to move.
Twisting my key in the lock, I push the door open and we're greeted with total silence.
"If Jamie is anything like me," I say to Annie, "then he won't even notice that disarm notification come in, so we should be fine. But if he does, he's still at least thirty minutes away, maybe a little more, we just need to be gone before he has time to get here."
"Not a problem," she says as her eyes explore her surroundings as we step inside. "Wow, nice place, it's huge!"
She takes a look around, checking out the kitchen and dining room.
"You think?," I ask, "It's very boyish right?"
"Modern," she says. "Isn't that what they say about men's decor?"
Who knows? Not me anyway. All I know is that I wasnt allowed to touch it.
I move toward to the bedroom, with Annie following me close behind. My attention is drawn to the bed as soon as I walk in. It's not even made, and I find that it actually irritates me. I hate how untidy it looks.
As I fish out all of the paperwork that Carol needs from the bottom drawer of my bedside locker, Annie holds back a laugh as she picks up on my gripe with the bed.
"You want to make it don't you?," she says.
"Oh god Annie, I really do. Is that weird? I always have it made, I like it to be neat!"
"You go nuts there babe, maybe he'll think it's some kind of psychological game you're playing."
"Yeah, or maybe he'll just think he has me really well trained..." I decide to leave it alone.
I need a bag for the paperwork, so I grab a satchel from the wardrobe and tuck it all in there. Throwing my eye over my clothes, I decide to pull out some bits and pieces that I want to take with me.
"You need me to do anything?," Annie asks.
She's in the en-suite now, taking a sniff from one of my perfume bottles.
"Yes please. Can you get a black sack from the kitchen? They're in the press under the sink. I want to take some clothes and underwear and then we can go. Everything else can wait. But bring that perfume too!"
"No problem," she says as she rushes off to the kitchen while I take out some outfits for the next couple of days.
I think ahead to Friday, Wills show. What am I going to wear to that?
I spot a short white top that I haven't worn in awhile, I pull it out and then separate the other hangers until I come across a pair of high rise straight leg jeans. It's all basic stuff, but thats what people wear to these things. Besides, I know exactly how I look in that outfit, and exactly what it might show Will. Not that I'm trying to impress him, or at least that's what I tell myself.
I begin to wonder if Annie is having trouble finding the bags until I hear her call me from down the hall.
"Hey Izzy, if you thought the bed was annoying, you should see the kitchen! It's a mess."
"Really? That doesn't sound like Jamie,"
I say as I follow the sound of her voice down the hallway and through the living room. It all looks okay in here, but then I reach the kitchen.
You have to be kidding me. There's dishes piled high in the sink, boxes of cereal and pasta strewn across the counter, discarded food wrappers and cutlery too. If I had left this mess for him last week instead of the few dishes I did leave, I'd probably be in a coma right now.
I explain the complete irony of it all to Annie as we go back into the bedroom and pack my things. Her face twists into a grimace at some of the details.
"Oh Izzy, that's awful," she says. She drops the sack she's packing and wraps her arms around me. "I've wanted to do this all day," she whispers.
Loosening her hold, she leans back to look at me.
"Are you sure you won't consider-," her face suddenly pales as she goes silent.
"Consider what?," I ask confused. Is she having an aneurism here or something?
"Shhh!," she says, "did you hear that?"
I pause, listening for whatever Annie can hear.
And then it comes.
The scrape of the key as it enters the barrel is almost amplified as the rest of the keyrings jingle while the lock turns. How did he get here so fast? There's no conceivable way. Have we really managed to pick the worst possible time?
I grip Annies arm, terrified of what might happen. Why would I be stupid enough to come here?
"It's okay Izzy," she says in a hushed tone, "look at me, it's okay. It's just a coincidence. We can leave. He won't hurt you."
I nod my head at her words, not fully convinced that she has a reason to actually believe them. I'm just glad that I'm not alone.
Annie grips my shoulders, forcing me look at her.
"Its fine, I wont let him touch you Izzy."
I like her bravado, but the tremor in her hand gives her away.
We hold onto each other as the front door pushes open. I hear Jamie step inside, stopping at the alarm panel. He waits a second, but when it doesn't beep for him to enter our disarm code, I can just about sense his confusion.
Rather than wait for him to find us here, I decide its best to make ourselves known, so I slowly step out of the bedroom, trying to appear confident as walk down the hallway towards him.
"Hello?"
Jamies voice rings out with an air of worry. He really doesn't know I'm here.
"It's me," I tell him, just as I reach the corner and enter his sight.
"Izzy..."
He breaths a sigh of relief and moves towards me, but Annie wasn't far behind me.
"Don't come closer!," she warns as she steps between us. "We're leaving. She just wanted some things."
"Who are you?," Jamie asks.
He isn't rude about it, more curious.
"She's a friend," I say abruptly.
I dont want him to know a thing about where I might be going or who I may be with, he already knows too much. "I had to get some of my things Jamie, that was all."
I take the time to look him over. He's in one of his suits, but he looks completely dishevelled. His shirt is crinkled, his tie is loose, his stubble must be at least two days old, and I won't even try to understand his hair. He's in a bad way.
There's a fast food bag in his hand that he places on the console before taking a small step back.
"Sure, absolutely," he says, "I'm not going to try and stop you Izzy. But, before you go, do you think we could talk for a minute?"
"No," Annie says sharply.
I see a flash of annoyance on Jamies face before it disappears just as quick.
"I'm really just here to get my things Jamie." My eyes wash over him again. "Are you alright?"
I can't help but ask, he looks ill.
Before he has a chance to answer, Annie leans in close to me.
"I'm going to get your things from the bedroom, I'll be one minute," she says as she meets my eyes. "One minute Izzy."
I nod as she backs away from me, moving back down the hall towards the bedroom.
There's an awkward chill between Jamie and I that I oddly feel the need to fill.
"That's my friend Annie. She came to help me with my things," I tell him. "I didn't think you'd be here."
I'm almost apologetic about my intrusion, I hate the way I am around him.
"I left work early," he admits, "I couldn't concentrate."
Jamie honestly looks depressed, but there's no pleasure in it for me, I don't like to see him this way.
"Izzy, can you give me just a few minutes? I need to explain."
"I don't really care what you need Jamie," I say defiantly, not wanting to give an inch.
He looks wounded. His eyes glisten as he swallows my words. He's not familiar with this side of me. Normally I'm ready and waiting for any and all of his excuses.
"Iz," he whispers, moving a little closer, "I'm begging you. Just ten minutes, after that you can leave and never see me again if that's what you want."
I find myself contemplating it. I have enough questions of my own that could fill those ten minutes. I also need to be sure that Jamie understands that we're finished. No break, no time apart. We're done. Maybe the fact that Annie is here will keep me out of harms way too, so I reluctantly agree.
"Fine," I say, "ten minutes, and then I'll never see you again"
He gives me another sad look, but I'm passed the point of letting him think he can fix any of this.
I head back to the bedroom to ask Annie if she minds waiting for me in her car, she's not happy at all.
"That's an awful idea Izzy, what if he hurts you?"
"He wouldn't be that stupid with you waiting downstairs for me. We need to talk, I have to tell him that it's really over and then I'm out of here."
"You don't owe him that time Izzy."
"I know I don't. But I do owe myself something. I have a lot of questions that I need answered too. He's not the only one hurting and he needs to see that."
"I'm sure he can already see it, he's the one doing it," she says.
"Please Annie, if I'm not down in ten minutes or if you don't hear from me, you can come right on up, or do whatever you need to do."
"I think you're crazy, but alright, ten minutes okay? I'll be counting."
"Sure," I agree, "and thank you".
Annie pushes past Jamie at the front door with my bags in her hand. She stares him down, she wants him to know that she's not at all intimidated by him.
"Ten minutes," she says, looking at Jamie, "and you keep your hands to yourself."
Jamie is taken aback by the fact that anyone would talk to him that way. He pointlessly try's to turn on his charm.
"Thank you, Annie was it? I assure you though, there's nothing to worry about," he says. "I can promise, nothing like that is ever going to happen again."
Jamie looks at me for that last part, but I've heard that before.
Annie ignores him entirely, adressing me instead.
"You call me if you need me Izzy."
"I will, thanks so much Annie."
As she steps out, Jamie closes the door behind her, turning his attention to me.
"She's nice," he says, forcing a smile.
I know him better than that though. He hates women like Annie. He calls them brash.
"She is," I agree, "she's great actually."
He studies the space between us, unhappy with how close to the door we are.
"Can we sit down?"
I lead the way to the living room, being sure to sit in the armchair so he can't place himself beside me. He's already calculated that move though, and sits on the edge of the coffee table, right infront of me. He always finds a way to make things work for him, even something as simple as this.
"I can't tell you how much I hate myself for what I did Iz."
"I can't tell you how much I hate you either," I deliver coldly, glancing around the room.
"Okay, I deserve that. I deserve a lot worse from you actually. It's just, I've been under so much pressure these last few weeks. It just kept getting worse and worse and then Friday was such a nightmare… I- I don't know what came over me."
"I'll tell you what came over you shall I?," I say, "Cocaine. I don't know how I couldn't tell that you were high that night Jamie. I mean, what were you even thinking? Drugs? Prostitutes?"
My anger seems to take over, and it's all I can do not to and lose it.
"How many times has that happened?," I ask, "Should I be getting tested?"
"No!," he insists, "No not at all, Iz I wasn't with anyone!"
"Oh please! Your dad said-"
"What my dad said is bullshit! I'd never do that."
"No, you'd just supply the oppertunity for your team apparently. Do you think I'm stupid?"
"No, I don't but I was not with any of those women Izzy! Why would I need to be?"
This is pointless, we're going to remain in this rediclious back and forth because he won't admit to what he did with somebody else and I can't prove it.
"What happened to the girl that night?," I ask.
"What girl?"
"The one who went to the hospital Jamie. Did you do something to her?"
"Izzy? Honestly is that what you think of me? That I just walk around hurting women?"
He has the audacity to look offended.
"Well I have to assume that if you can do it to me, that you could do it to anyone. I can't possibly be that special Jamie."
He sighs, clearly hurt, but I have every right to want him to feel even half as bad as I do.
"She was in the bathroom with one of the guys," he says. "She was new, she took too much stuff. That's what happened. We tried to bring her around but she was too far gone so we had to call an ambulance. She was fine, she walked out of the hospital the next day with a spring in her step and a healthy sum in her pocket too, it won't be her last rodeo."
I don't understand how he can be so uncaring, that girl could have died.
"Did your dad pay her off?," I ask.
"Yes. And before you say it, I know how that looks. Actually I know how it is. Izzy, it was the stupidest thing I've ever done. All of it, especially what happened after I got home."
I think about some of the things he said to me that night. He was vicious, but I sit here now looking at him now and I don't see that person. He seems lost.
"What you did changed things Jamie," I say.
"I get that. I do, just... Izzy I don't even know how it got so out of hand that night. What I did was unforgivable I know, I can't sleep thinking about it."
"I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with that," I say flatly, crossing my arms over my chest.
How could he possibly think that I want to hear what a hard time he's having?
"No that's not what I meant," he says. "I'm genuinely scared that I've scarred you for life or something."
"Jamie, do you honestly think I wasn't already? What about the all of the other things you've done? There's no getting over any of that. Christ, if a man stands too close to me in line at the grocery store I feel intimidated. What makes this time any different?"
"It's different because I see it now, I do. I can't keep hurting you. I even told my dad to shove the idea of me taking over the company, I won't do it, you're what matters to me."
"What did that have to do with any of this?," I ask.
He sighs, dropping his hands to his lap.
"My dad has been putting me under an insane amount of pressure Iz. That's where the whole marriage idea came from in the first place. He wants us to do it. He wants us to settle down and have some kids, all in the name of the company. He's been hounding me about it for months and I just went with it, no question."
I know Jamies dad is the only person in the world that can make him feel small. I know he often agrees to plans he doesn't think will work, and he backs him all the way, but I thought that control only applied to their working relationship. I never for a second thought that Jamie would let Tom make decisions in our life.
"He wants me to take over eventually, and there's a certain image that comes with that," Jamie explains. "It's all about what the investors want to see, the type of person they want in charge. They want the image my dad has created. It all just got too much, and when you told me that you never wanted to get married, I freaked. Somewhere down the line, I think somehow I forgot that it should be about what we want."
"Why didn't you tell me Jamie? I could have helped, you're supposed to tell me things, that's the point of a partner."
I feel so conflicted, if it really was Tom putting on all of that pressure, then was any of this really Jamie's fault?
"We never really talked about getting married before Iz," he says with a shrug. "I didn't want the first time we discussed it to be because my dad wanted us to do it."
"What did you want Jamie?"
"I guess I hadn't thought much about it either. I thought we were happy just being us. I mean, I always assumed that getting married was something we'd do at some point, but if none of this had happened and you told me that you didn't want it, that would have been fine too."
It looks like we were on the same page after all in a way. I can't help but wonder if his father had stayed out if it, if we'd be in this situation at all.
Jamie looks at me now, tears in his eyes. This is the person I wish he always was. Honest and calm. But I fear it's still too late now.
"I'll never be able to apologise enough for what I did Izzy," he says. "I know I embarrassed you."
"Embarrassed me?," I ask. "Jamie you humiliated me. I've never felt so small in my whole life. What you did was disgusting, you betrayed our whole relationship."
Jamie slides himself off the coffee table, hunkering down in front of me and taking my hands.
"I'll get help," he says.
"No Jamie-"
"I'll see a therapist, I'll do what ever you need me to do. I promise Izzy, it won't ever happen again."
"I know it wont, because I won't be here for it to happen again."
I try to stand to leave, but Jamie grasps at my hands, sinking to his knees.
"No no no, Izzy please, I'm begging you here look at me, please. When have you ever known me to beg? I'm here and that's exactly what I'm doing, I'm begging you. You are the love of my life and I couldn't live with myself if I fucked it all up that much. I know I don't deserve the chance to prove it and I should have done something the very first time it happened, but I can fix it. I can fix myself. You just have to let me try Izzy. Please?"
As I hear him plead with me, I realise that what he's saying should all sound pathetic to me, but it doesn't.
I love him, I hate it, but I do love him. I never thought for a second that I could possibly underatand any of his reasons or sympathise with him, and yet somehow I find myself doing just that.
Insane thought swirl in my mind about what it could be like if I were to come back. Could it really be different?
"Please don't leave me Izzy," he begs.
For a split second I think of Will, I'm not even sure why, I've only known him for a matter of days. I recall what Annie said earlier about him sleeping around, and how I really don't know anything about who he is as a person. He shouldn't be any kind of factor in this. I should be thinking about myself and what I want.
"I can't Jamie," I say as I try to pull my hands away. "I can't do this anymore."
My voice breaks as tears I didn't even know I had left begin to sting my eyes.
Jamie wipes at my face for me, cupping my cheeks in his hands.
"Don't cry Iz, please. I know this is all kinds of messed up, I know it's not what you signed up for and I owe you a world of happiness for what I've done, but please, please let me try make it all up to you. I know you can't forget any of it, but I can change, I can make what we have into something you'll be proud of. I know I can."
I consider my options as I watch Jamies eyes pool over. If I do this, if I give him one last chance, could be special?
If he really works on himself and stops trying to please his dad so much, can we be happy?
I know that if I'm going to take that chance, then it needs to be on my terms this time. No surprises.
I lean back from Jamie's touch, wanting to be sure I'm really heard when I say what I'm about to say to him
"I want you to do some anger management."
"Done."
"I want you to stop putting your dad first, stop hiding things from me."
"I've told him I don't want the company, it's over."
He shuffles closer to me, the hope in his voice rising.
"You can never, ever do drugs again Jamie. I'm serious, never. It's a deal breaker."
"That was the only time, I never want to be like that again, Im sick to my stomach about what I did."
"I want to decide things for myself," I continue, "I want my own life back. I want to choose the friends I have and the things I do myself."
"Your friends?," he asks furrowing his brows at me. This could be the one he struggles with.
"Jamie, I stopped doing all the things that I love to do, just to please you," I say. "I want it all back, I don't want to be questioned or hounded every time I leave the house. I don't want to slowly phase out my friendships for you. I want a normal life. I want to see my sister and not need permission to do so, I want to be able to go out with friends and not wonder what version of you I'm coming home to."
"I... Izzy I never realised I made you do that," he says.
Does he now finally understand what I've had to give up for him?
"Okay, sure," he says, nodding his head. "No problem, I want you to have all the friends you want. That girl Annie, or whoever, you can do whatever you want Izzy, you won't have to be afraid to tell me anything."
I eye him cautiously, he sounds genuine, but can I trust him?
I deliver my last condition, wondering if it's one he can keep.
"Finally, I need you to understand that this is the last time we will ever have this conversation Jamie. If you even so much as look at me with aggression, I'm gone."
"I promise Iz," he says, "I'll look for help right this second if it keeps you with me."
Against all my better judgement, I can't help that I love Jamie, and that I want to make it work.
"Alright," I say, "if you can do all of that, I'll come home."
Jamie's eyes light up as he stands and attempts to pull me into a hug, but I put my hands out and stop him.
"I'll come home Jamie, but I'll be sleeping in the spare room until I see some meaningful change. I can't make myself share a bed with you right now."
He pauses, a little surprised by my demand,
but then agrees.
"That's fair, but I'll take the spare room, you take our bed. I'll prove this to you no matter the cost Iz."
I'm sure my ten minutes have passed by now, and I'm half afraid that Annie is getting a baseball bat ready to come and meet Jamies skull, so I grab my keys and head for the door.
"I better go tell Annie before she flips out down there," I say. "I'm going to need to go and get my car from her place too, and all my stuff from the hotel."
"I'll take you," Jamie offers, but I feel I'll need this time to explain myself to Annie.
"No it's fine, I still have to settle the bill and stuff, I can do it myself. I'll be a few hours, and then when I get back we can talk some more."
"Alright, if that's what you'd prefer."
Jamie stretches out his hand to me before I leave, taking hold of my own and pulling me into a hug and kissing the top of my head.
"I can't believe I nearly lost you Izzy," he says, "I'm so sorry."
"Let's talk when I get back okay?"
"Okay. I love you Iz"
It almost feels strange to say those words to him, so I choose to be honest instead.
"I can't say that back to you right now,"
I tell him, "not because I don't feel it, but because I need some time. Can you understand that?"
I can see he's hurt, but he agrees all the same. I can't change how I feel right now, and if I want this to be everything I think it can be, I need to move at my own pace and be honest with him. Otherwise we'll end out right back where we were.
Leaving the apartment I intended on just visiting today, I make my way to the carpark to talk to Annie. I've known her and her brother less than a week and I feel like I've been a gigantic hurricane in their lives.
I wouldn't blame them a single bit if they wanted to have nothing to do with me after all of this…