Annie is as pissed as I imagined when I break the news.
"You have got to be kidding me Izzy?," she says. "Ten minutes? It only took him ten minutes to talk you around?"
"It's really not like that Annie," I say defensively, "I'm not rushing back to him pretending it didn't happen."
"No it's worse!," she says, "You're going back to him thinking it will change. Are you really that naive?"
I don't have a clue what to say to that. Maybe she's right, but isn't it possible that she could be wrong too?
"Well don't just stand there like a child Izzy," she snaps as I stare at the ground between us, "You're making me feel like an asshole. Im not trying to be harsh, I just don't want you to get hurt again. You walked into my bar like a wounded animal, I don't ever want to see you have to do that again."
"I know Annie, I'm sorry. Look I completely understand how much drama this has been for you, and for Will. My life really isn't normally like this but if you don't wan-"
"Don't even suggest that I'd prefer us not to be friends Izzy," Annie snaps. "You'll be playing right into his hands if you do. You drop me and Will and then what? You're right where you started? No way. I don't have much time for friends but I like you. You're a fool right now, but I like you."
"Thanks... I think."
"I know you don't know me all that well for now," she says, "but I'm not willing to leave anyone vulnerable. That includes you. When that mess comes crashing down around you again, and it WILL come crashing down Izzy, I want you to know that I'll be there, ready to help. And to say I told you so, because how could I possibly not. But its important that you know there's somebody there for you either way."
I'm so thrown by her response that my head could spin. I expected Annie to never want to see me again after all of this. In fact I was so prepared for it that I'm not even sure what to say to her right now, she really is something special.
She starts to waver a little as I explain myself, possibly feeling guilty for chewing me out.
"I don't blame you for wanting to make it work Izzy," she says, "I just don't see it happening, not from the little bit you've shared with me. But hey, prove me wrong... what do I know anyway right?"
"I really do love him Annie," I tell her. "I think we could be happy."
"That's the thing Izzy. You shouldn't have to think you can be happy with someone, it should just be something you are."
I get what she's saying, but I can't stand to believe the idea that I've wasted these last few years with someone that's unreedeemable.
I've lost both my career and friends in the mess we let happen, but if Jamie and I can make it, if we can really try, then it might just be worth the cost of everything else.
♾️
The drive back to Annie's apartment is uncomfortable. As she pulls up to a stop light, she finally mentions the person we've both been thinking about.
"Do you want to tell Will yourself or should I?," she asks.
I give her a look that loosely translates to 'dear god don't make me tell him', and she understands immediately.
"Yeah, that's probably best," she agrees. "He's not going to take it well."
I don't ask her to elaborate on that, we both know why.
Annie trys to talk me out of my decision one more time before we reach her place, but when I dont give in she makes me promise to call her over the next few days so she knows things are okay.
We make plans to see each other next week too before we say our goodbyes.
I have every intension of keeping Annie in my life, her little speech about playing into Jamies hands cemented that. I like her, she's a good person and I need someone like that on my side. I don't care how uncomfortable it might make Jamie that she knows his little secret either. It might even keep him in check.
♾️
Back at the hotel I take a seat on the bed and think about the decision I've made. Is it a good one? Will Jamie really listen to what I've said? Will he change? All questions that I really won't have the answer to unless I let him show me.
Sometimes I wish I could flip a switch and stop loving Jamie. I'd remove all the parts of him that have sunken their claws into my heart. If I could stop loving those parts of him, then I wouldn't accept the rest, and I'd be able to leave for good.
I remind myself of all the good he has to offer. The way he strokes my hair in the evenings when I lay my head on his lap to watch TV. The way he holds doors for me, no matter how far behind him I lag. The way he has a specific laugh when I say something silly that makes no sense. The way he gets coffee cravings at the same time that I do, and makes me one every-time without me having to ask.
There are a million little things to love about him. And they all rise to the surface like tiny little air bubbles every time I consider walking away. It's impossible for me not to love those parts of him. So I want this to work.
I pack my bag, only too happy to find that Jennifer isn't around as I'm checking out of the hotel. I don't think I could handle the shame of it on top of everything else.
The lady on reception mentions that I can't be reimbursed for the few extra nights that I've already paid for, even if I'm not staying. It's understandable, but still a blow to my savings account none the less. I don't kick up any fuss about it, Jennifer did me a gigantic favour when I got here and I'm grateful for that much alone.
I'm waiting on my reciept when the lady notices something strange.
"Oh hold on a second m'am," she says, "it looks like your card was actually refunded, let me check this out for you, one moment."
She wanders off to another computer screen to check it out. I'm a bit confused considering I've only told them now that I'm leaving, but I let her do what she needs.
"Ah yes, here we are," she says, offering a smile. "We had a call a little earlier today that covered your whole bill, they asked us to issue a refund directly to your card and said they wanted to gift you your stay. Isn't that sweet!"
"Who wanted to gift it?," I ask.
"I don't have the first name sorry, but it's a Mr.J Reynolds. Does that ring a bell?"
Jamie.
Im floored, I didn't book the room under my name, it was under my moms. How did he know that?
"How long ago was this?" I query in a daze.
"It was only in the last hour judging by the time stamp on the receipt. My colleague Stephen processed it, he must have taken the call. He's on his lunch right now though. Is everything okay? I can have him call you?"
"N..no, no that's alright. Do you need my card or anything?"
"No m'am," she says, "you're all set, thanks for staying with us, we hope to see you again."
I thank her and head out to my car, both parts confused and shocked. Shocked that Jamie would do that for me, and confused as to how he did it, although it is Jamie, he always finds a way.
I heave my bag into the trunk of my car just as my phone rings. It's Will. I wonder if Annie has already told him?
"Hey Will," I answer, attempting to sound somewhat cheery.
"What the hell are you doing Isobel?"
Yep, Annie told him alright. She mustn't have even waited to get into her apartment before calling him.
I bite my lip, how do I even begin to explain this.
"Annie said you're going back to him," he says, "Tell me she's got it wrong?"
"I… um, no. Annie's not wrong."
I'm almost whispering as I tell him, it's hard not to feel ashamed about it after everything I told him.
"So let me make sure I have this straight Izzy. This guy hits you, he sleeps with some hooker, he fucking knocks you out after trying to force his dick into your mouth and you what? Forgive him? Fall right back in line? What is it?"
"You wouldn't understand it Will, I-"
"I wouldn't? What, is it some kind of sick kink you have or something?"
I know he's being cruel because he's mad, but it's impossible not to take offence to how he's choosing to express it.
"How dare you drag my sister into that Isobel," he continues. "That guy is a psycho and you put her in danger, what the fuck were you thinking?"
"He's not dangerous," I insist, "he wouldn't have hurt her. I didn't even think he was going to be there Will."
I don't get any response to that. Infact I have to double check that Will is still on the line before I continue speaking.
"Look, he's going to go and see somebody," I say. "A therapist, he wants to change. He can be better."
"You've got to be kidding me?," he says jeeringly. "Tell me Izzy, how often do you hear a story like yours end with a happily ever after? How often does the girl get to say he never hits her again?"
"Why couldn't it be me Will?"
"Because your boyfriend is a twisted fuck who gets off on the shit he does to you! That's why. Do you think he's not running back telling Daddy he's fixed his fuck up right now?"
"No, that's not true he told his dad he doesn't want-"
"I don't care what he told you or his dad Izzy, honestly I can't even talk to you right now."
The line goes dead as Will hangs up the call. Fuck.
I feel like I can't win. I want to be happy that Jamie has decided to work on himself, but now I feel like a complete fool for it.
I don't even manage to pull out of the carpark before my phone dings again with two new messages. One from Annie
ANNIE: Hey, FYI, Will is pretty mad, he said he was going to try call you. Let me know how it goes. More importantly give me a call later tonight. I want to know you'll be alright. I really don't like this whole thing Izzy, I should have taken you home with me and forced you to stay. xx
The other is from Will.
WILL: Don't come to the show on Friday. I really couldn't stand to look at you.
He's on the verge of being petty at this point, but I'm not mad at him for it, I'm doing the complete opposite of what I told him I'd do.
I probably wouldn't have went to see his show now anyway. Although I should really start as I mean to go on with Jamie… and who is Will to tell me where I can or can't go? I'll go to that show if I want to! I'm done taking those kinds of orders, from Jamie or anybody else.
I don't send a reply back to Wills message, I don't want him to know that he's gotten under my skin. Instead I make my way home to straighten some things out with Jamie. Will has riled me up just enough that I have the bit between my teeth and I want to be sure that things are crystal clear for him from now on.
♾️
Jamie is waiting in the car park to take my bags when I pull in. It's a small gesture but not one that goes unnoticed.
As we step into the apartment I can see he's made the effort to make it feel like I never left. Some candles are lighting, my favourite scent fills the hallway, and he took all of the clutter off of the console too, my pet peeve.
"I'm going to take a shower," I say, "then we should sit down and talk."
It's been a long day and I can't wait to get into some PJs.
"Absolutely. Whatever you wanna' do Iz. I'll order in, or I can cook for us?"
"I don't mind, ordering in is probably easiest, I'm not all that hungry, I ate earlier with Annie."
I recall the state that the kitchen was in earlier too, and can't imagine cooking in there would be all that sanitary.
I step away for awhile, enjoying a long hot shower. There are certain home comforts that just can't be substituted for, even in a nice hotel.
Afterward, I clean my face of all traces of makeup, and scrape my damp hair up into a bun. It could be the fact that I've just come back that does it, but I suddenly get a little flashback of Jamie finding it a whole lot easier to pull me around when it was up like this, so I slide the elastic out of my hair and let it fall down around my shoulders. I prefer it this way anyway.
I can hear Jamie putting away some cutlery as I come back down the hall. I creep in and watch him from the edge of the counter, recalling how I paid for the three tiny dishes I left in the sink. I wonder if he considered the hypocrisy at any point as he let them pile up over the last few days.
He spots me as he glances over his shoulder, the guilt is written all over his face.
"I know," he says matter of factly, "I assure you the double standard isn't lost on me here Iz. I just couldn't seem to get myself together the last couple of days."
He places the dish cloth on the counter and turns to me, about to say something else, but he comes to a sudden stop when he gets a look at the bruise on my face. It's the first time he's got a full view of what he did to me.
The skin on his face becomes oddly pale, he's not someone I'd have ever considered squeamish. He covers his mouth with his hand, but it doesn't help him, because he still has to rush over to the sink so that he can throw up.
Its not often a person can make another vomit just from the sight of them. Maybe I should put it on my resumé.
I want to comfort as him, I do, but I know that won't help me. Instead, I reach for the fridge, taking out a bottle of water and placing it on the counter beside the sink as he leans over it, and then I step back into the living room and sit down.
I want to appear unaffected. I'd rather be rubbing his back and wiping his mouth with a towel, but I can't. Not right now.
When Jamie makes his way into the living room, he comes and kneels down in front of me.
"I can't believe I hurt you like that," he says.
Using the tips of his fingers, he moves my hair back off my face, tucking it behind my ear and rubs his thumb gently over the mess he made.
"I'm so sorry Izzy," he says. "I swear on my life, I promise you, this will never ever happen again."
"I hope that it won't Jamie," I reply coldly, "for your sake rather than mine."
I'm not sure how long I can hold onto this icy persona. As tears threaten to spill from Jamie's eyes, I find it near impossible not to break. This isn't me, I don't enjoy seeing anyone in pain, even him.
He quickly wipes at his eyes and pulls out his phone, showing me the screen as he pulls up a website.
"I did a quick search on some anger management groups while you were out," he explains. "There's a church over on Middleton Boulevard that holds group sessions, see?"
I look over the search he made. It looks like a nice place, but I don't know the last time Jamie was even at church, so I'm not so sure it's for him. It seems he might have the same idea though.
"I was thinking maybe doing classes and seeing a therapist might be better for me," he says. "What do you think?"
I'm surprised he's been so active about it if I'm honest. I know he said he would, but he's said a lot of things.
It's good, great even. I was half expecting that I'd be the one researching places for him to go, so it's a welcome bit of work on his part.
"I agree with you," I tell him. "I think classes would suit you better. Did you find any?"
"Yeah I saw a place where I can do both. I'll call them first thing in the morning."
I hand him back his phone and study his face, I want to be sure he means it. I need this to work.
The buzzer at the front interrupts us. I can smell the Indian food the second Jamie opens the door, but that pizza I had earlier has filled me up. I'll pick away at it though, I don't want to appear like I'm not eating it out of spite.
Throughout the meal Jamie tries to chat, but I can't even pretend to feign an interest. I really want to address some things with him, so when we finish up, I go ahead and bite the bullet.
"I have plans to go out on Friday night with Sarah. I just wanted to let you know...
I'll be meeting Annie next week too. This kind of thing is going to become a bit more regular for me, and I think that it's important to lay it out now. Is that going to be an issue for you?"
"No, its not an issue at all," he says. "It won't ever be an issue again. Honestly if I could go back in time and shake myself I would Iz. I know now that I've cut you off from people in your life, I thought about it a lot when you were out earlier. I can see it now. I won't say I did it with intension, but I can't say I didn't like having you to myself… but I know that's not right, especially not for you."
"It's not healthy Jamie. We can't go back to that."
"I agree," he says.
Jamie sits staring at his hands before clearing his throat. Whatever he's about to say must make him feel uneasy.
"Have you... uh… have told Sarah about everything?," he asks.
"No. And I won't be either, but thats not for your sake. It's for my own sanity. She'd explode, and you two already hate each other."
"I don't hate her Iz," he says.
My lips press together, I'm not sure who he's trying to fool, but it isn't me.
"Okay so I don't love her," he admits, "but that doesn't mean I hate her. I know she's good to you."
"Exactly, and she's my sister, so she's not going anywhere and I don't want you two at each others throats for any amount of time."
"I can see why you woudn't want that," he says.
Jamie does very little to hide his relief about Sarah, and with one thing less for him to worry about, he moves the conversation on to the next thing that's sparked his curiosity.
"So, do you mind if I ask about this Annie person," he says, "what's her deal? How did you meet her?"
Oh boy. I should have prepared for this, I knew it was coming. I don't want to lie, not if we're starting fresh... but the whole truth is not something I'll be parting with right now either.
"I know her brother," I say cautiously, keeping my eyes glued to him in wait of his reaction.
"Her brother? How do you know him?"
"He comes into the store a lot," I lie, "I woudn't say I know him all that well really.
"But how did you go from knowing her brother to bringing her here?," he asks.
Jamie doesn't sound accusing in any way, but he's very interested in how this all came about.
"They own a restaurant near the hotel," I tell him. "I went in for something to eat and bumped into him, I didn't know it was their resturant at the time. Will introduced me to Annie while I was there and we hit it off."
"Right, it's just, she's got what?, maybe a good ten years on you hasn't she?"
"So?"
"So nothing," he says, "I'm just making an observation Iz. How old is her bother?"
"I don't know, similar I guess. A little younger probably, like I said I don't know him all that well, Annie and I just seemed to get along and I ended out spilling my guts to her. I needed someone to talk to and she was there at the time."
It's obvious that I won't be winning any Oscar's anytime soon. If this were a matter of days ago, I'm sure I'd be digging a grave for myself right now.
"Is she married or anything?," Jamie asks.
"Nope, no boyfriend or partner either," I reply. "She's very dedicated to the restaurant, it was her dads originally."
"Oh... that's nice."
Jamies interest in Annie begins to dwindle from there thankfully. But now we find ourselves inching towards the area of conversation he's least likely to enjoy.
"I uh, I wanted to ask," he says timidly, "how are your... well, just with the bandages I wasn't sure… I- I did try to get everything out, but there were some little cuts so…"
I've never seen Jamie unable to ask me a straight forward question before. I have to go ahead and put him out of his misery because I honestly cant stand to see it.
"They're fine Jamie. My feet are fine, you got everything. I'm walking on them aren't I?"
Jamie nods his head, and sighs.
"I'm sorry, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to talk to you about it all Izzy."
"And who's fault is that?" I snap.
Does he think I'm enjoying this? Is he expecting a pat on the back or something?
I thought I could do this, I thought I could be normal with him but every time I look across the room and see the kitchen tiles, all I can think about is what happened in there.
Jamie follows my eyeline as I stare at the kitchen, knowing exactly what I'm thinking.
"I really thought I was a better man than my father Iz," he says, "but somehow I've managed to be worse."
Jamie hangs his head down into his hands, unable to control his emotions as he breaks into a sob.
"He breaks my moms heart day after day with all those other women and doesn't even have the decency to hide it," he cries. "And she just takes it Iz, she's always taken it. I've never understood it. Which, I know now sounds so ridiculous, because how could I do what I was doing to you and not get why she'd stay? I didn't see it as the same thing though… but now I do."
He stares up at me again as silent tears fall down his cheeks, willing me to say I forgive everything.
I don't know how to feel, he sounds so sincere. I do want to believe him, I want to trust him. But this is all so fresh right now that I dont know if I can.
"I want us to be better Izzy," he says. "I know I can do it. I'll go to this therapist and I'll do whatever they say, but I need you to see this through with me. I need you to stay while I work on things Iz, because if you don't then what's the point? I have nothing without you."
Theres quiet between us for the longest time. I'm tackling the lump in my throat as he waits for an answer.
"Okay," I say quietly. "I'll stay… but I need some time to deal with things. I want nothing more than for all of this to be a tiny shitty memory we have in a great life together Jamie. But I need to get some distance between me and that memory first. There's a whole lot we need to get past. There's a lot for you to work on too, and I'll need to see that before we can move on."
"You will," Jamie says as he takes my hand in his. "Izzy I will do anything you want so that I never have to imagine another day without you. I was devastated when you left. It took everything I had to stay away from that hotel."
"I appreciate that you didn't come," I tell him, "and thank you for calling the hotel today. You really didn't need to do that, I could have paid for it myself."
"Actually, I did need to," he says. "You were there for one reason, my mess. It wouldn't have been right for me to let you deal with it."
"Well thank you anyway, it was really sweet, but how did you know what name I was using."
"What do you mean?," he asks.
I don't want to accuse him of playing dumb, but the look on his face says exactly that.
"You know what I mean Jamie."
He grows somewhat shy, aware that I won't like the answer. I wait for it regardless.
"It was in your emails Iz. Like I said, you shouldn't use the same password for everything. You must have gave your own email when you checked in, your moms name was on the receipt they forwarded."
"Christ Jamie." I say, pulling my hand from his. How far did he dive into all of my personal things?
"I know it looks bad Iz..."
"Yeah, because it is bad! You can't do that!"
"I know I shouldn't have," he says, "but it was driving me crazy not knowing if you were safe Izzy."
"I was probably safer there than I was here!"
"Izzy, thats not fair."
"Not fair? Is this fair?," I yell, pointing at my face, as I stand up.
"Or how about the fact that I've been the one living out of a bag for days? Or that in the short time I've been home, I've already had to reconsider tying my hair up just incase you decide to get another grip on it? Is that fair?"
"Izzy please."
"No Jamie. You know fuck all about it not being fair. You have no idea! I can't even look inside of our kitchen right now without wondering if I will ever be ready to be intimate with you again after what you did in there. Don't talk to me about fair!."
I lose the tough exterior I've been trying to keep ahold of and burst into tears as I stand in the middle of the room. Jamie rushes to me, whispering apologies and I love yous. He holds me there for what feels like forever, shushing and swaying me until I pretty much exhaust myself with tears. I don't think this is going how either of us had hoped.
Will we ever be able to get past this?
"Alright," I eventually say as I wipe my eyes.
"I think if this is going to work, then we need to set some boundaries. I'm going to change all of my passwords. I'm not hiding anything from you, but I expect my privacy Jamie, the same as I afford you yours."
He smiles weakly, but he has to understand how crazy what he did was.
"You'll do the therapy and anger management like we agreed," I say. "And we're going to have separate bedrooms until I'm ready for you to come back, I can't give you a time line on that, so please, don't ask me for one."
He continues to nod along in agreement, but hes not expecting what I have to say next.
"I also want you to get tested Jamie, and I want to see the results too. I'm sorry if you don't like it, but I don't believe you when you say that you didn't sleep with any of those women that night."
He closes his eyes in defeat, knowing I wont budge on this.
"Alright, I can do that," he says, "If I'm being entirely honest Izzy, I don't remember a lot of what did happen that night, so it's fair for you to want that."
I feel like that foggy memory excuse is the closest that I'm going to get to the truth. Without it, I have to push aside the feeling of betrayal that I have, and pray that he doesn't remember because it didn't happen.
Jamie takes my hands squeezing them like I'll take flight if he doesn't.
"Are you sure you can do this Iz?," he asks. "A clean slate?"
"I'm sure that I can try. I do want this to work."
He leans in and kisses the top of my head before wrapping me into another hug. I feel stiff as I try to return it.
We talk through some more stuff as the evening goes on, making tiny strides of progress as we do.
He offers to come out with me on Friday so we can unwind a bit, but I decline, I'm not ready to 'unwind' with him just yet. I still need some space to build back the life I lost for us, never mind the fact that Will will be there. That's a whole other situation that I'd like to avoid.
Instead I offer to let him come to my dads with me on Sunday so that it looks like I'm meeting him somewhere in the middle, and I could really use an ally there anyway.
We agree to try to take each day as it comes to us for now, and to continue to communicate on things. Before I know it, it's almost midnight and we're both exhausted. We have work tomorrow, so I make my excuses and go to bed, leaving Jamie to the spare room as agreed.
It's late, but I suddenly remember that I told Annie I'd let her know how things went, so I send her a short message to say that everything is alright like she asked me to. I really hope she's not going to stay mad at me, or completely freeze me out like Will has decided to.
I empty the bag that I packed today back into my wardrobe, stuffing the book Will gave me into the back of it too. I'll find a better spot later.
Crawling into bed, I try to keep the hope in my heart about what the future could be. I want Jamie and I to have everything that we want together. I want us to be happy.
I just hope that he can keep his word.