Chapter 1: "The Crappiest Day of My Life"
If you had told me yesterday that I'd wake up as a toilet, I would've laughed in your face, grabbed another can of Mountain Dew, and continued my deep dive into my latest video game marathon. But here I am, very much not in front of my Xbox, and very much... porcelain.
Let me back up. The day started like any other for me, Jake Smith, proud citizen of Cleveland, Ohio, and king of underachieving. I had just finished my daily shift as an IT support grunt, meaning I'd spent eight hours listening to middle-aged people scream at me because they "accidentally" deleted their entire hard drive. A true test of patience and sanity. To top it off, my lunch break involved a trip to the world's sketchiest burger joint, "Big Al's Grease Shack", which I deeply regretted the moment I polished off that triple patty monstrosity.
So, there I was, clutching my stomach, cursing Big Al and his greasy empire, when it hit me. Not inspiration, mind you. No, it was the sudden, undeniable need to take the most catastrophic dump of my life. A bowel movement that could only be described as "biblical." And wouldn't you know it? The only restroom in sight was a lone, abandoned port-a-potty on the edge of a construction site. It swayed ominously in the wind, like a blue plastic beacon of despair.
Did I hesitate? Absolutely not. That beast of a burger was moving through my system like it had a train to catch. I bolted towards the port-a-potty with the grace of a dying walrus, all dignity left behind on the street.
As I reached the door, I felt a sense of impending doom. No, not from the impending release of my digestive disaster, that was a certainty. It was something else. Something cosmic. But I shrugged it off. I had bigger concerns.
I flung the door open and plunged into the musty interior, barely registering the stench that hit me like a slap in the face. As I dropped my pants and assumed the throne, I let out a breath. Relief, sweet relief.
And then...
BAM! The world went white. Not the peaceful, "Oh, I see the light" kind of white. More like "What the hell just happened?" white. I had about three seconds to process the fact that I was no longer in the port-a-potty. In fact, I was no longer sitting anywhere.
I was… hovering?
"What the f, "
SPLAT.
I crashed onto a hard surface. Cold. Smooth. Shiny? I tried to get up, but something wasn't right. My legs felt stiff. My arms… didn't feel like arms. My stomach gurgled with what I assumed was the aftershock of the burger, but instead of farting like a human, I heard something far worse: a flush.
"Wait... what?"
I blinked. Or, I think I blinked. But blinking wasn't a thing anymore, apparently. My body, no, my new porcelain body, felt rigid. I tried to move, and my lid… I mean, head creaked open.
"No. No, no, no. What the hell?"
I could see everything. Or rather, I could see from my position at waist height. Around me, the world looked like it had been ripped out of a medieval fantasy novel. Cobblestone streets, horse-drawn carriages, and villagers wandering around in old-timey clothes. A bird flew by, and I got a real good look at its undercarriage. Great. As if things couldn't get worse.
"Okay. Think, Jake, think," I muttered, or thought I muttered. The sound was more of a weird porcelain creak than actual words. But at least I could hear myself.
I looked down at what was supposed to be my legs. Nope. Just a sleek, white toilet base. My arms? Gone. Instead, I had a chrome flush handle where my right arm should be. My torso? A tank, full of water. I was a toilet.
I tried to scream, but all that came out was a pathetic gurgle and another flush.
"Alright. I'm dead. This is hell. I've been cursed by the greasy gods of Big Al's."
Before I could spiral further into madness, something... or rather, someone came into view. A man. No, scratch that, a villager with a truly unfortunate sense of hygiene. He walked up to me with a relieved expression on his face, untying his belt.
"NO. NO, NO, NO, NO. DON'T YOU DARE."
He did.
And let me tell you, folks, there are experiences in life that change you forever. Getting turned into a toilet and having your first-ever user drop his pants in front of you? Yeah, that's up there with the worst. I wanted to die again, but clearly, the universe had other plans.
And then it hit me. No, not the smell, though that was definitely there. It was something else. Something... strange. As the villager relieved himself into my pristine porcelain bowl, I felt a surge of energy. Like a battery being charged. My vision sharpened, my hearing improved. I could... see better. It was as if every poop was making me stronger.
"Oh no. No, no, no. I am NOT powering up from this."
But I was.
The villager finished, pulled up his pants, and went on his merry way, completely unaware that he had just juiced up the world's first sentient toilet.
And so began my new life in this weird-ass world.
Chapter 1: "The Crappiest Day of My Life" (Part 2)
There I sat, literally, a toilet in the middle of some backwater fantasy village, feeling violated in ways I never thought possible. I was trying to wrap my head around it all. I had just been pooped in. By a dude. And somehow, it made me stronger. This was my life now.
The next half-hour was a blur of despair, denial, and trying to process just how I'd gone from Cleveland to… wherever the hell this was. One thing became clear, though: every time someone used me, I gained power. I had no idea why, but at least it was something. Because, let's face it, being a toilet without any perks is pretty much rock bottom.
As I sat there contemplating the meaning of life (and death), a group of giggling girls passed by, all wearing some sort of peasant dresses and carrying baskets of flowers. You know, the kind you'd see frolicking through meadows in a fairy tale. One of them, with long blonde hair and a suspiciously bouncy step, stopped dead in her tracks when she spotted me.
"Oh! A public privy! How convenient!"
"NO. PLEASE, NO."
But before I could mentally scream any louder, the girl skipped over, glanced around to make sure no one was watching, and lifted her skirt.
"I can't believe this is happening."
I tried to brace myself for what was about to occur, but being a toilet, I had no way to prepare for the sheer absurdity of it. She plopped down on me with a cheerful hum. This was it, this was how far I'd fallen.
As she got comfortable, humming a little tune, I felt that familiar surge again. The power. I could feel the magic tingling through my porcelain body, but this time, it was more intense, more… substantial. My vision sharpened even further. I could hear things I couldn't before, the creak of a distant windmill, the clatter of horseshoes on cobblestone. But that wasn't all.
Something… moved. Something on me. I looked down, well, in the way that toilets look "down", and saw it. My handle. It twitched. I had movement! Granted, it wasn't much, but that flush handle was me, and it was wiggling ever so slightly.
"Alright, progress. This is good. You've been shat on twice, but now you can move a little. It's not all bad."
That's when she finished her business and stood up, pausing to check herself in the reflection of my tank.
"Lovely," she said to herself, flashing a dainty smile before prancing away. I could only sigh internally, as toilets do, and feel the awkward relief that she didn't drop a royal dump like the guy before.
Then it happened. A voice.
"Hello, Chosen One."
I froze, or, well, as much as a toilet could freeze. "What? Who's talking?" I thought, panicking as I mentally scanned the area around me. There was no one nearby, just more peasants going about their day, completely oblivious to the fact that they were walking past a sentient toilet.
"You are the Vessel of Power, destined to bring balance to the world of Lavatoria."
"Wait, what the hell is Lavatoria?" I wondered, before quickly adding, "And also, why am I a toilet?"
"Because you have been chosen," the voice echoed, calm and all-knowing, like some kind of mystical bathroom attendant. "Only through absorbing the waste of this world's inhabitants will you gain the strength to defeat the evil that plagues this land."
I had so many questions, but one thing stood out more than anything else. "So, let me get this straight... you're telling me I'm some kind of magical… toilet hero?"
"Indeed."
Fantastic. Just fantastic. My big break. I'd always wanted to be the chosen one, but not like this. Not like this.
"Okay, great. So, what now? Do I just sit here for eternity, waiting for people to, uh, use me?"
"In time, you will gain abilities beyond your understanding." The voice continued, completely ignoring my sarcasm. "As your power grows, so will your influence. You must be ready when the moment comes."
"Ready for what? More dumps?"
"In a way, yes."
I could've cried if I had tear ducts. My life had truly taken a nosedive into the crapper. Literally. But before I could dive any deeper into my mental spiral of despair, a shadow fell over me.
A massive figure was looming in front of me, a huge, hulking figure with horns. A minotaur. And not just any minotaur, but a towering, muscular, and absolutely terrifying female minotaur.
"Oh no. Oh God. Not her. Please, not her."
She stopped in front of me, looking down at me with a raised eyebrow, and for a brief second, I dared to hope she wasn't going to use me. Maybe she was just admiring the craftsmanship of a shiny porcelain throne in the middle of nowhere, right?
Wrong.
"Grrr... damn, been holding this in all day," she muttered to herself.
"NO. PLEASE. HAVE MERCY."
But she didn't hear me, or didn't care. She turned around, lifted her loincloth, and before I could mentally brace myself for the second time that day, she sat. Her weight pressed down on me, and I thought my porcelain body might shatter. I mean, she was huge.
And then it happened. The surge. The power. This time, it was like getting hit by a magical freight train. My handle twitched, my tank gurgled, and suddenly, I felt stronger than ever before. Strong enough to… move.
"This is insane. This is insane!" I thought as I realized my lid, or head, could now open and close.
The minotaur finished, groaning in satisfaction as she stood and wiped herself off on a nearby bush. She glanced at me briefly, a look of faint embarrassment crossing her otherwise fierce face.
"What? Feeling guilty? You should!" I thought, but as she walked away, I realized something.
I wasn't just gaining power. I was changing.
My arms, the ones I didn't have before, began to form. Porcelain arms, delicate but solid, with chrome-plated handle fingers. I wiggled them experimentally, feeling the cool, rigid material bend and flex as if they were natural limbs.
"Well... it's not much, but it's a start."
I was officially the world's most powerful toilet. And things were about to get a whole lot weirder.
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