You'd think, after battling trolls, sewer serpents, farting fairies, and surviving an old man's bowel apocalypse, that Lavatoria would give me a break. But no, this insane world had other plans for me, specifically, the kind of plans that involve high-stakes espionage, cults, and highly advanced bathroom technology.
I had barely recovered from my latest traumatic experience when Ursha stomped into our modest village hut, her massive axe slung over her shoulder and a look of grim determination plastered on her face.
"Toilet Man," she said, her voice dripping with urgency. "We've got a problem."
I glanced at her, still trying to wipe the emotional stain left by the old man's "visit" from my memory. "If this is about another monster coming out of the sewers, I'm going to flush myself into the abyss. I can't handle another sewage-related crisis right now."
Ursha shook her head. "No, it's not a monster. It's worse."
"Worse?" I blinked, mentally blinked, of course. "What could possibly be worse than what I've already been through?"
Ursha narrowed her eyes. "The Bidet Cult."
The name hit me like a sack of wet sponges. "The… Bidet Cult?" I repeated, unsure if I'd heard her right.
"Yeah. A secret group of fanatics who worship the power of the bidet," she explained, her voice tinged with disgust. "They believe toilets like you are relics of the past, outdated, unsanitary, and inferior to their precious bidets. They want to eliminate every toilet in Lavatoria and replace them with… cleanse stations."
I stared at her, utterly gobsmacked. "Hold on. There's an actual cult… devoted to bidets? Are you serious?"
Ursha nodded grimly. "Dead serious. And rumor has it, they've infiltrated the royal court. They're planning to start a revolution, one that involves overthrowing every toilet in the kingdom and installing bidets in every household."
I would have swallowed if I had a throat. "That's… that's horrifying. Toilets are a way of life! They can't just erase us like we're, "
"Obsolete bathroom equipment," the toilet spirit inside me interrupted, clearly amused by the whole situation.
"Exactly!" I shouted, or gurgled, hard to tell these days. "We've been flushing for centuries! We can't let these bidet-loving weirdos take over!"
Ursha stepped forward, her eyes gleaming with a fierce determination. "That's why we need to stop them. But here's the catch, they're secretive, and they don't let just anyone into their ranks. They only recruit the most dedicated followers of the Cleanse Movement. And to infiltrate them, we need a plan."
I could feel a pit forming in my porcelain stomach, or tank, whatever it was. "Oh no. Don't tell me… you want me to pretend to be a bidet, don't you?"
Ursha smirked. "Exactly. You're the perfect candidate. No one will suspect a toilet infiltrating their cult."
"But I'm literally the opposite of a bidet!" I protested. "I'm the very thing they hate! How am I supposed to pull that off?"
"We'll make some modifications," Ursha said, grinning like she'd just thought up the most brilliant idea in the world. "It won't be hard. All we have to do is give you some bidet-like features. A few spritzing nozzles, maybe a water temperature control, and you'll pass as one of them in no time."
My porcelain tank rattled with anxiety. "This is insane. They'll figure me out in an instant! What if they realize I'm a toilet and not a bidet? They'll probably throw me into some kind of anti-toilet dungeon or… I don't know, smash me with a golden plunger!"
Ursha clapped me on the side, her laughter booming through the room. "Relax, Toilet Man. You've survived worse. Besides, you're not going in alone."
I was about to ask what she meant when a shadowy figure appeared in the doorway. A tall, lithe figure with a hood pulled low over her face, her glowing green eyes barely visible beneath the shadow. She stepped forward with the grace of someone who had never known the humiliation of being used as a bathroom fixture.
"Meet Nixie," Ursha said, nodding toward the newcomer. "She's an elf rogue and an expert in infiltration. She'll guide you through the cult's ranks and make sure you don't get caught."
Nixie lowered her hood, revealing long, silver hair that shimmered in the dim light. She gave me a once-over, raising an eyebrow. "So, this is the legendary toilet I've heard so much about." Her voice was cool, detached, like she wasn't talking to a sentient bathroom appliance.
"Yeah, that's me," I muttered. "Jake. The toilet. And you're… what? My handler?"
Nixie smirked. "Think of me as your guide. We're going to get you into that cult, get you close to the leader, and figure out what they're planning. Then we'll flush them out before they can overthrow the kingdom."
"Great," I said sarcastically. "This is definitely the highlight of my new life as a toilet. Espionage with bidet-worshiping maniacs."
Ursha chuckled, stepping back as Nixie moved closer, inspecting me like I was a piece of equipment she needed to upgrade. "Don't worry, Toilet Man. We'll get you fixed up for this mission in no time."
The next hour was a blur of modifications. Nixie worked fast, attaching strange nozzles and water spritzers to my porcelain body. She added a sleek, adjustable water temperature dial on my side, and before I knew it, I was fully equipped with all the "features" a top-tier bidet would have.
"You'll pass as one of their own now," Nixie said, stepping back to admire her work. "Just remember, don't get too friendly with them. Bidet followers are obsessed with cleanliness, and they'll sniff out a toilet in disguise if you're not careful."
I stared down at my newly modified form, feeling both ridiculous and strangely powerful. "I look like some kind of toilet superhero," I muttered.
Ursha grinned. "You are a superhero, Toilet Man. And now, you're about to take on your toughest mission yet. Ready to infiltrate the cult?"
"As ready as I'll ever be," I said, my handle fingers twitching nervously.
Nixie pulled her hood back up and gave me a nod. "Good. Let's move."
And with that, we set off to infiltrate the Bidet Cult, an organization of bathroom extremists hell-bent on replacing every toilet in Lavatoria with shiny, sparkling bidets. I had no idea what awaited me inside their ranks, but one thing was for sure: this was going to be the most bizarre mission of my life.
I had never been so nervous in my life as I was when that dark-haired cultist approached me with a sly smile. Here I was, a toilet disguised as a bidet, ready to infiltrate a group of fanatics whose entire life revolved around hating toilets. What could possibly go wrong? Oh, right, everything.
As the woman undid the ties of her robe and let it fall gracefully to the floor, a knot of pure dread formed in my porcelain tank. Her dark hair fell over her shoulders like a waterfall, her pale skin glowing in the dim light of the cult's lair. I was in big trouble.
She smiled at me, unaware that she was about to sit on the world's most confused toilet. She turned around, positioned herself over me, and with a slow, deliberate movement, sat down on my seat.
Instantly, I felt her warmth. Her skin pressed against my porcelain in a way that sent an unexpected shiver through my ceramic body. For a brief moment, I tried to steel myself. "Stay calm, Jake. Stay calm. You're a bidet now. You can do this."
But then it happened. Something I could not control.
POP.
My porcelain penis, the one I had been dreading ever since the Sewer Serpent incident, sprung out. And not just in a subtle way, it shot out from between her thighs like a jack-in-the-box on steroids, glowing with a faint, magical light.
The woman froze, her eyes going wide in shock. But what I wasn't expecting was her reaction. She didn't scream or pull away immediately. No, for a brief, terrifying moment, I saw a look of curious arousal flicker across her face. Her lips parted slightly, and her breath hitched, as though she wasn't entirely disgusted by the situation.
She stared down at the massive porcelain appendage between her thighs, her cheeks flushing pink as her eyes lingered far too long for comfort. There was a weird moment where I could almost hear her inner thoughts, and none of them seemed to be about toilets or bidets, at least, not in the way I was expecting.
But before I could process the sheer insanity of what was happening, the other cult members took notice.
"WHAT IS THAT?!" one of them shrieked, their voice a high-pitched mix of shock and horror.
The woman snapped out of her strange daze, suddenly realizing what she was staring at. Her face turned a deep shade of crimson, and she scrambled off me, tripping over her robe as she backed away, pointing in horror.
"It's not a bidet!" she shouted, her voice trembling with disbelief. "It's a… a TOILET!"
The room descended into chaos. The cultists, who had been watching the scene unfold with curiosity, suddenly erupted into panicked shrieks and cries of disgust. They pointed at me, their pristine white robes flapping as they stumbled over one another to get away from the toilet imposter.
"I told you this was a terrible idea!" I shouted at Nixie, who was standing nearby, her eyes wide with shock.
"I didn't think your… appendage would pop out like that!" Nixie hissed, her face scrunched up in frustration.
The cult leader, a severe-looking woman with piercing blue eyes, stormed forward, her face twisted in fury. "You dare bring a toilet into our sacred space?!" she spat, her voice dripping with venom. "You think you can fool us with this… abomination?!"
The cult members began grabbing weapons, oddly enough, they were armed with all sorts of cleaning tools. Giant scrub brushes, soap wands, and spiked loofahs were brandished as they advanced toward me with righteous fury.
"Oh no. Oh no, no, no. This is not happening," I groaned, watching in horror as the cult members closed in, ready to cleanse me from existence.
Nixie, ever the rogue, grabbed the edges of my tank and started wheeling me backward as fast as she could. "We've got to get out of here, NOW!"
I could barely move, my porcelain body still recovering from the shock of what had just happened, but Nixie's quick thinking saved me from being scrubbed to death by a mob of angry cultists.
"They're going to wipe me from existence!" I wailed as the cultists charged after us, their scrub brushes raised like medieval weapons.
Nixie, keeping her cool despite the chaos, hurled a smoke bomb into the crowd. The room erupted into a cloud of thick, choking fog, sending the cultists into a coughing, spluttering frenzy.
"Now's our chance!" Nixie yelled, pushing me through the smoke and toward the exit.
We barreled down the hallways, dodging cultists and tripping over their elaborate bathroom setups. Behind us, I could hear the cult leader screaming, her voice echoing through the lair.
"Find that toilet! He must be destroyed!"
"I've had some bad days," I panted (or the toilet equivalent of panting) as we rounded another corner, "but being chased by a cult with loofahs and soap wands? This tops them all!"
We burst through the doors of the lair, the fresh air of Lavatoria hitting us like a blessing. Nixie didn't stop pushing until we were well away from the entrance, hidden behind a stack of crates in the marketplace.
I slumped against the crates, my porcelain body trembling from the adrenaline and the sheer absurdity of what had just happened.
"Well, that was... something," Nixie said, wiping sweat from her brow. "I'd say you handled yourself pretty well, considering the circumstances."
"Handled myself?" I echoed, still in shock. "My porcelain penis exploded out of me and nearly turned a cultist on! This mission was a complete disaster!"
Nixie smirked, shrugging nonchalantly. "Yeah, but it was a pretty good distraction. And hey, we made it out alive."
I groaned, still trying to process the events of the past hour. "I can't believe my life has come to this. Infiltrating a bidet cult and almost getting scrubbed to death. This is beyond insane."
Nixie patted me on the side, her smirk turning into a full grin. "Welcome to Lavatoria, Jake. You'd better get used to it."
I sighed (or attempted to, anyway). "If I ever see another bidet again, it'll be too soon."