It's been a few days since we returned from the goblin massacre, and I was really hoping that Lavatoria would cut me some slack. But no, this world loves to keep throwing the most ridiculous and, frankly, gross adventures my way.
I was relaxing, or at least trying to, as much as a sentient toilet can, when a knock echoed through the small hut Ursha, Nixie, and I had been using as a temporary home. I groaned internally, already knowing that whatever was behind that door wasn't going to be good.
"I'll get it," Ursha said, her hooves clopping across the floor as she went to open the door.
Standing there was a man from the Adventurer's Guild, looking frazzled, with bits of soggy toilet paper clinging to his cloak. His eyes darted between us, and then landed squarely on me.
"Toilet Man, right?" he said, his voice shaky. "We've got a serious problem, and the guild needs your… uh, unique talents."
I didn't like the sound of this already. "What now?" I grumbled. "Another bedpan situation?"
The man shook his head, clearly not in the mood for jokes. "It's much worse. Something's happening to Lavatoria's plumbing system. Toilets are overflowing, pipes are bursting, and… well, people are reporting strange sightings."
Nixie raised an eyebrow, her interest piqued. "Sightings? What kind of sightings?"
The guild member hesitated, clearly uncomfortable. "Creatures. Mutated, disgusting things are crawling out of drains and sewers all over the kingdom. It's chaos. And it's all coming from the Underworld Flush."
At that, I felt a pit form in my porcelain tank. The Underworld Flush? That was a name I hadn't heard before, but it sounded bad. Very bad.
"The Underworld Flush?" I asked, the dread already creeping into my voice.
The man nodded. "It's an ancient, cursed sewer system deep below Lavatoria. No one's been down there in centuries, but legend says it's where Lord Flushmore was banished after his attempt to take over Lavatoria with his forbidden toilet magic."
"Lord… Flushmore?" I repeated, because of course this world had an evil sorcerer with a toilet-themed name.
The guild member looked at me like I should have known. "Yes, Lord Flushmore. He was one of the most powerful sorcerers in Lavatoria, obsessed with controlling all the kingdom's plumbing. He believed that whoever controlled the flow of waste controlled the kingdom itself. When he was defeated, they sealed him and his dark magic in the Underworld Flush. But it seems something's stirring down there again."
Ursha crossed her arms, looking unbothered. "So, what's the job? Go down there, kick some butt, and stop whatever's causing the mess?"
The man nodded. "Exactly. The guild needs someone who can handle the Underworld Flush, and given your, uh, experience… you're the only ones we can send."
I groaned, knowing there was no getting out of this. "Of course we are. Fine, let's get this over with."
A short while later, we stood in the village square, staring at the entrance to the Underworld Flush. It wasn't exactly glamorous, a rusted, ancient manhole cover, partially obscured by overgrown weeds and dirt. The metal was etched with strange symbols, ones that Nixie immediately began to examine.
"These runes are old," she muttered, tracing her fingers over the markings. "Definitely sealing magic. But it's been weakened over time. Someone, or something, has been tampering with it."
Ursha shrugged, already grabbing the edge of the manhole cover. "Sealing magic or not, we've got a job to do. Come on, let's crack it open."
With a grunt of effort, Ursha lifted the cover, revealing a dark, foul-smelling hole that led down into the depths of Lavatoria's plumbing system. A gust of rancid air hit us immediately, making me gag, not that I had a mouth to gag with, but the feeling was there.
"Great," I muttered. "Smells like someone flushed an entire swamp down there."
"Quit complaining, Toilet Man," Ursha said with a smirk. "This is your element, isn't it?"
I rolled my lid in frustration. "Being a toilet doesn't mean I enjoy being in the middle of a sewage disaster."
Nevertheless, we descended into the Underworld Flush. The further down we went, the more the stench intensified, and the surroundings became increasingly unsettling. The walls of the tunnel were slick with grime, and strange, glowing green sludge oozed from cracks in the stone. Every now and then, we heard distant gurgling sounds, like something big was shifting beneath us.
"I don't like this," Nixie said quietly. "The energy down here feels wrong. Dark magic, for sure."
Ursha, always unfazed, marched on. "Doesn't matter. Whatever's causing this, we'll stop it."
As we ventured deeper into the tunnels, the strange noises grew louder. The air was thick and humid, making the whole place feel like a pressure cooker about to explode. Every now and then, we saw bizarre, glowing pipes that seemed to pulse with dark energy. It wasn't long before we encountered our first real obstacle.
The tunnel opened into a larger chamber, and standing in our way were three of the most grotesque creatures I'd ever seen. Sewer Mutants, twisted, nightmarish versions of what might have once been people or animals, now fused with various bits of plumbing. One had a toilet bowl for a head, another had plungers for arms, and the third had pipes snaking through its body, leaking foul-smelling fluid everywhere.
"What the hell are these things?" I whispered, horrified.
"Sewer Mutants," Nixie replied grimly, drawing her daggers. "Looks like Lord Flushmore's magic is still alive down here. These poor souls must've been twisted by the cursed sewage."
The Sewer Mutants let out low, gurgling growls and began shambling toward us, their grotesque bodies dripping with filth.
"Alright, time to smash some mutants," Ursha said with a wicked grin, raising her axe.
The battle was chaotic, to say the least. Ursha charged headfirst into the mutants, her axe cleaving through the first one's plunger-arm with a satisfying crunch. Nixie darted around the creatures, using her agility to land precise strikes, but the mutants were relentless, their foul-smelling bodies flailing wildly as they attacked.
I, meanwhile, had to get creative. I summoned the energy from my porcelain body, feeling the magic swirl inside me. "Alright, here goes nothing," I muttered as I unleashed a Clog Bomb at the mutant with the toilet head.
The explosion was spectacular, showering the room in bits of mutant and sewage. It worked, but man, the smell afterward was something I'd never forget. "Great, now I smell like a clogged public restroom."
As we fought, I noticed something strange: whenever we destroyed one of the mutants, its body dissolved into a thick, glowing sludge that seemed to get sucked back into the pipes. It was as if something was drawing all the waste and cursed magic toward a central location.
"This isn't good," Nixie said, dodging another mutant swipe. "Something's pulling the waste back into the system. Whatever it is, it's getting stronger."
"Then we better find it fast," Ursha growled, cutting down the last mutant with a final swing of her axe.
As the last of the Sewer Mutants dissolved into the foul-smelling sludge, I couldn't help but feel that we were heading straight into a disaster bigger than anything we'd faced before.
The smell of the dissolving Sewer Mutants lingered long after their bodies had vanished into the pipes, a thick, rancid stench that seemed to coat the walls around us. My porcelain was rattling, not just from the smell but from a growing sense of dread. Whatever was pulling this cursed sludge deeper into the Underworld Flush was something we were definitely not ready for.
"Well, that was disgusting," I muttered, trying to shake off the mental image of a mutant with a toilet for a head.
"You're a toilet," Ursha said, cleaning off her axe without missing a beat. "You should be used to disgusting by now."
"There's a big difference between dealing with regular disgusting and this nightmare sewage circus we've walked into," I shot back.
Nixie knelt down near one of the pipes that was still oozing with glowing sludge, her eyes narrowed in concentration. "Something's not right here. This magic… it's not just old and evil, it's getting stronger. Lord Flushmore isn't just trying to return; he's trying to draw all of Lavatoria's waste into one place."
"Yeah, but why?" Ursha asked, her tone more curious than concerned. "What's the endgame? Turning everyone into Sewer Mutants?"
Nixie's fingers traced the glowing runes on the pipe, her voice lowering to a whisper. "Or worse. If Flushmore gains control of all the sewage, he could flood Lavatoria with cursed waste. He doesn't just want to rule the kingdom; he wants to drown it."
I felt my tank tighten. "You've got to be kidding me. I didn't sign up for an apocalyptic poop flood."
"Well, you're in it now," Ursha said, giving me a light smack on my porcelain side. "Let's find this maniac and flush him for good."
We pressed deeper into the Underworld Flush, following the increasingly disturbing signs of Lord Flushmore's influence. The pipes around us began to pulse with an ominous energy, almost like the sewer system itself was alive. Dark magic crackled in the air, making every breath feel heavy, and the gurgling sounds grew louder, more insistent, as if the entire underground network was trying to pull us toward its cursed heart.
"How deep does this place go?" I asked, trying not to sound as nervous as I felt. **"It feels like we've been walking for hours."
"According to the old guild records, the Underworld Flush is a maze of tunnels stretching under the entire kingdom," Nixie explained, her voice echoing slightly in the dark. "It was meant to be a failsafe to control the waste flow from all the cities and villages. But when Lord Flushmore was banished down here, he twisted it into something… unnatural."
"Of course he did," I muttered. **"Because why wouldn't an evil toilet sorcerer turn a sewer system into a death trap?"
We eventually came to a large iron gate, rusted and covered in strange, glowing runes. It looked ancient, its once-shiny surface now corroded by years of neglect and sewage exposure. But more than that, it hummed with dark energy, a magical barrier that clearly wasn't going to let us through without a fight.
"This must be it," Nixie said, inspecting the gate. "The way to Lord Flushmore's lair."
Before we could react, the air around us shifted. A deep, rumbling sound echoed through the chamber, and the pipes above and below us began to shudder violently. Then, with a deafening crash, three massive, sentient toilets dropped from hidden alcoves in the walls, landing with an earth-shaking thud in front of the gate.
"Great," I groaned. **"Toilet guardians. Why did it have to be toilet guardians?"
Each of the Flush Guardians was larger than anything I'd ever seen. Their porcelain was cracked and stained, but their eyes, if you could call those glowing red orbs eyes, gleamed with malevolent intelligence. Their massive, tank-like bodies made them look more like siege engines than toilets, and each one carried a gigantic plunger, tipped with spikes.
The largest of the three stepped forward, its voice echoing with an otherworldly boom. "You dare approach the Gate of Flushmore? Only those who pass the Trial of the Flush may enter."
Ursha snorted, hefting her axe. **"I don't have time for trials. Let's just break them and get through the gate."
But before she could charge, Nixie held up a hand. "Wait. These are magical constructs. We won't get through them with brute force. We have to play by their rules… whatever those are."
The lead guardian let out a low, ominous chuckle. "The Trial of the Flush is simple. Pass the three tests, and you may enter. Fail, and you shall be flushed into oblivion."
"You've got to be kidding me," I muttered. "Flushed into oblivion? Is that supposed to scare me?"
But the guardians didn't wait for me to finish complaining. The largest one stepped back, and the first trial began.
The first guardian lumbered forward, holding out what looked like a massive plunger-shaped hourglass. Inside, instead of sand, it was filled with foul-smelling sludge that slowly dripped from one chamber to the next.
"The test is simple," the guardian boomed. "Clog, and then unclog yourself before the time runs out. Fail, and you will be sealed forever."
I stared at the guardian, then at the plunger-hourglass, trying to wrap my head around what I was being asked to do.
"You want me to… clog and unclog myself?" I asked, incredulous.
"Precisely," the guardian replied. **"Only those who can master the flow of waste may pass."
I groaned internally. "Of course. Alright, let's get this over with."
I focused, drawing in the foul energy of the Underworld Flush, feeling the pressure building inside me. I had to do this fast. With a deep gurgle, I activated my Clog Bomb power, intentionally blocking my system with a surge of sludge. It felt absolutely disgusting, but the guardian didn't seem to care.
The sludge in the hourglass began dripping faster, and I realized I didn't have much time. I had to unclog myself quickly before the time ran out. Concentrating harder than I ever thought possible, I summoned the power to release the clog.
"Come on, come on," I muttered as the pressure inside me built. Then, with a loud whoosh, I unclogged myself, sending a spray of sewage flying across the chamber.
The guardian nodded approvingly. "The first test is complete. You have passed the Great Clog Test."
"Hooray for me," I grumbled, trying to ignore how gross I felt.
Next up was Nixie's trial. The second guardian stepped forward, revealing a series of strange, moving targets at the far end of the chamber. Each target had a small bullseye in the center, but they were spinning erratically, making it nearly impossible to hit.
The guardian handed Nixie a stack of enchanted toilet paper rolls, which glowed faintly with magical energy. **"You must strike the targets with these rolls. But beware, if you miss, the rolls will come to life and attack."
Nixie eyed the rolls with a raised eyebrow. "Toilet paper that attacks you? That's new."
She positioned herself and hurled the first roll. It sailed through the air and hit one of the spinning targets dead center, but the second roll missed by a fraction of an inch. The roll immediately sprang to life, transforming into a snarling, paper creature that launched itself at her.
"Well, this is fun," Nixie muttered as she dodged the flying paper monster, slashing it with one of her daggers. She quickly regained her focus, nailing the next two targets without missing.
The second guardian rumbled with approval. "The Toilet Paper Toss is complete. You have passed."
The final trial fell to me, naturally. The largest guardian stepped forward, brandishing his spiked plunger like a weapon. His red eyes gleamed with malice as he spoke.
**"Now, for the final test. You must face me in a duel of flushes. Prove that you are worthy to control the flow of waste."
I gulped. **"A duel of flushes? What the hell does that even mean?"
But the guardian didn't wait for an answer. He raised his plunger, and I felt a surge of magical energy building around us.
"Alright, Jake," I muttered to myself, **"it's time to bring out the big guns."
I summoned all the energy I could, preparing for the ultimate showdown with a sentient toilet guardian.
The chamber was dead silent as the Flush Guardian raised its massive, spiked plunger, glowing with ominous power. I could feel the tension in the air, or maybe that was just the cursed sewage swirling around us. Either way, I was about to face off against a sentient toilet guardian in a "duel of flushes," and I had absolutely no idea what that even meant.
"You will not survive this, Toilet Man," the guardian rumbled, its red eyes narrowing. "Prepare yourself for the ultimate flush."
I braced myself, my porcelain body rattling with a mix of fear and sheer confusion. "Okay, Jake," I muttered under my breath. **"You've defeated Sewer Mutants, been used as a toilet by your companions, and shot magic out of places you didn't even know existed. How bad can this be?"
The answer came quickly. The guardian swung its massive plunger like a warhammer, creating a gust of magical energy that rippled through the air and sent a wave of cursed sewage crashing toward me. The sludge was so thick and foul, I swear I could hear it hiss as it moved.
"Oh crap!" I yelped, barely dodging the incoming wave. The sludge splattered against the wall behind me, sizzling and leaving behind a horrendous smell that would haunt my porcelain for days.
The Flush Guardian laughed, its voice echoing off the chamber walls. **"Pathetic. You cannot hope to defeat the might of the Royal Flush!"
"Royal Flush, my porcelain ass," I muttered. "Alright, time to see what I've got."
I planted myself firmly and concentrated, feeling the magic inside me swirl to life. I reached deep into my tank, summoning all the power I could muster. My handle fingers twitched with anticipation as I prepared to unleash my own flush attack.
With a shout, I activated my Ultimate Plunge, sending a shockwave of magical energy spiraling toward the guardian. The force of it tore through the air, and for a second, I thought I had it, until the guardian effortlessly deflected it with a flick of its plunger.
"You call that a flush?" the guardian sneered. **"Pathetic. Watch and learn, toilet scum."
The guardian's plunger glowed even brighter, and with a mighty roar, it slammed the plunger into the ground. Suddenly, the room was filled with a deafening whoosh, as if the entire sewer system was being flushed at once. A massive, swirling vortex of cursed sewage appeared in the air above us, ready to engulf me.
"Oh, come on!" I shouted, desperately trying to think of a way out. **"I can't get flushed like this. Not like this!"
Just as the vortex was about to descend, I felt a familiar, uncomfortable pressure building inside me. My porcelain penis, my glowing porcelain penis, began to extend, crackling with magical energy.
"Oh no. Not now. Not again," I muttered, but there was no stopping it. The power inside me surged, and before I knew it, my porcelain appendage was fully extended, glowing like a beacon in the cursed sewer.
The guardian stopped mid-attack, its red eyes widening in disbelief as it stared at my glowing penis.
"What... what is that?" it stammered, momentarily thrown off its game.
I couldn't believe it, but this was my chance. Somehow, my magical porcelain penis was distracting the terrifying toilet guardian. I had to act fast.
"I don't know what this is, but I'm going with it," I said, summoning every bit of power I had.
With a mighty effort, I unleashed the most ridiculous, over-the-top attack I could muster: The Porcelain Blast. A beam of blinding, sparkling magic shot out of my glowing appendage, hitting the Flush Guardian square in the chest. The force of the blast was so strong, it sent the guardian flying across the room, crashing into the wall with a loud clang.
The guardian slumped over, completely defeated. The swirling vortex of cursed sewage above us vanished with a pop, leaving the chamber eerily silent once more.
For a moment, no one said anything. I was too shocked to process what had just happened.
"Did I just... win?" I asked, my voice filled with disbelief.
Nixie and Ursha, who had been watching the whole thing from the sidelines, burst out laughing.
"You did more than win," Nixie said between fits of laughter. **"You just blasted that thing into oblivion with your... with your glowing porcelain penis!"
Ursha clapped me on the side, still chuckling. **"Toilet Man, you never cease to amaze me. I didn't think you had it in you, but I guess that thing's more powerful than it looks."
I groaned, feeling both humiliated and weirdly proud. **"I'm never living this down, am I?"
"Not a chance," Nixie said with a grin. **"But hey, at least you passed the trial."
The largest guardian, now looking much less intimidating after being blasted by my glowing appendage, groaned from where it had crashed into the wall.
"You... have passed the Trial of the Flush," it said weakly. **"The gate is yours. Proceed."
The massive iron gate slowly creaked open, revealing the dark, ominous tunnel that led to Lord Flushmore's lair.
"Well, that was an adventure," Ursha said, wiping a tear of laughter from her eye. **"What's next? You gonna take down Lord Flushmore the same way?"
I groaned again. **"Let's just get this over with before something else ridiculous happens."
With the gate open and the Flush Guardians defeated, we stepped forward, ready to face the final showdown with Lord Flushmore himself.