After the disaster with the Bidet Cult, I was really hoping for a normal day in Lavatoria. You know, something mundane, like maybe trying to master my ridiculous wind powers or figuring out how to stop my porcelain penis from popping out at the most inappropriate moments.
But, of course, there's no such thing as normal here.
It all started when Ursha and I headed over to the Adventurer's Guild. Every adventurer in Lavatoria had to sign up with the guild to get work, and since I was, technically, a "hero" now, an absurd, toilet-based hero, I figured it was time to make things official. Plus, after the whole cult infiltration, I really needed some coin. Not that I could actually spend it. You know, being a toilet and all.
The guildhall was a bustling mess of adventurers, each one looking more ridiculous than the last. There were knights in mismatched armor, wizards with beards long enough to trip over, and a few elves who looked like they'd just come from some kind of fantasy spa retreat. And then there was me: a sentient toilet trying to blend in with the adventuring crowd.
Ursha stood beside me, towering over most of the other guild members, her massive axe slung casually over her shoulder. She scanned the guildhall with her usual look of amusement, as if she couldn't quite believe that we were here.
"So, Toilet Man," she said, grinning down at me. "Ready to sign up for some real work? Or are you still thinking about that whole bidet incident?"
I groaned, trying to push the memory of the Bidet Cult far from my mind. "Please don't remind me. I'm just hoping this guild thing goes smoothly. No more cults, no more insane powers popping out at the wrong time, just a nice, normal quest."
As soon as I said that, I realized how stupid I sounded. This was Lavatoria. Nothing was normal here.
We approached the guild counter, where a bored-looking guild official sat behind a stack of parchment. He was a scruffy dwarf with a long, braided beard and a look on his face that suggested he'd seen every kind of weirdness Lavatoria had to offer. His eyes widened slightly when he saw me, because, you know, toilet, but he quickly composed himself.
"Name?" he grunted, quill poised over the parchment.
"Jake. Uh, Toilet Man," I said, my voice as steady as I could make it.
The dwarf raised an eyebrow. "Toilet Man? Huh. You don't see that every day. And… what exactly are your qualifications?"
I was about to list the absurdity of my powers, wind magic, porcelain limbs, and, unfortunately, a magical penis, but Ursha cut me off with a grin.
"He took down a Sewer Serpent and escaped the Bidet Cult. I'd say that qualifies him, wouldn't you?"
The dwarf looked impressed. "Sewer Serpent, huh? And you're still in one piece. Not bad. Alright, you're in."
He scribbled my name down and handed us a quest sheet, covered in basic jobs for adventurers just starting out. Most of them were mundane things like finding lost pets or gathering herbs. But one quest stood out.
"Retrieve Bed Pan for Old Lady Gertrude."
I sighed. "Of course. The toilet gets the bed pan quest."
Ursha chuckled, slapping me on the side. "Come on, Toilet Man. A quest's a quest. Let's go fetch that old lady's bed pan."
A short walk later, we arrived at Old Lady Gertrude's cottage, a small, rickety thing on the outskirts of the village. The door creaked open, and Gertrude hobbled out to greet us. She was a hunched, wrinkled woman with a cane and a look of eternal irritation.
"Are you here for the bed pan?" she asked, squinting at us with watery eyes.
"That's us," I said, feeling a little weird about the fact that I, a sentient toilet, was about to retrieve another bathroom accessory.
"Them bandits stole all my stuff," Gertrude grumbled. "But I don't care about most of it. I just want my bed pan back. They took it with everything else when they ransacked my place. Bring it back to me, and you'll get your reward."
"Bed pan it is," Ursha said with a shrug. "Where are these bandits?"
Gertrude waved a bony hand toward the forest. "They've got a camp just up the hill. Shouldn't be hard to find. They're always making noise and causing trouble."
And with that, we set off to retrieve the world's most unglamorous treasure.
We found the bandit camp easily enough. It was tucked away in the trees, a makeshift setup with a few tents and a firepit. The bandits themselves were lounging around, looking like they'd just woken up from a long night of drinking.
"This should be easy," Ursha whispered, her hand tightening around her axe.
But as we got closer, I realized something was very wrong. One of the bandits, clearly the leader, stood up and started shouting orders to the others.
"Get that new toilet ready!" he barked. "We'll use it as bait for those idiots trying to get their stuff back. I bet that old lady sent someone after her bed pan!"
I froze. "Wait. What?"
Before I could even react, one of the bandits spotted us. "Hey! There they are!"
"Crap," Ursha muttered, charging forward with her axe raised.
The bandits scattered, but a few of them started setting up what looked like a trap, and the trap involved me. They had a crude, makeshift toilet in the middle of the camp, but they were planning on swapping it out for me.
"We'll lure 'em in, let 'em take a crap in that thing, and BAM! We jump 'em!" the leader shouted.
"Oh, for the love of, I am NOT being used as a trap!"** I yelled, charging forward (or, you know, moving as fast as a toilet could) as Ursha engaged the bandits in battle.
The chaos escalated quickly. Bandits were shouting, Ursha was swinging her axe, and I was desperately trying to avoid being used as some kind of bait toilet for these filthy thieves. But then things took a turn for the worse.
Ursha, mid-battle, suddenly froze. Her face twisted in discomfort as she grabbed her stomach.
"Toilet Man," she groaned, her voice strained. "I… I need to go. NOW."
My porcelain tank rattled in panic. "What? Now? You're in the middle of a fight!"
"I don't care! I need to pee, and you're the only option!"
Before I could protest, Ursha rushed over, yanking down her battle skirt and sitting on me, right in the middle of the chaos. I barely had time to process what was happening before she let loose, and the feeling of her warm pee inside me sent an unexpected jolt through my porcelain body.
And then, it happened again.
POP.
My porcelain penis shot out, glowing with magical energy, as Ursha continued to relieve herself. This time, though, she noticed. And unlike the cultist, she didn't just stare at it.
She grinned.
"Well, well," Ursha said, her voice taking on a new tone. "Is that an invitation?"
Before I could even respond, she reached down, grabbing my glowing appendage with her strong hands. And then… well, let's just say the battle took a very different turn.
As Ursha took hold of Jake's glowing appendage, he felt a rush of pleasure wash over him. He had never experienced anything like this before, and the sensation was almost overwhelming.
The bandits, who had been attacking them moments before, suddenly stopped in their tracks as they saw what was happening. They looked on in shock and confusion as Ursha began to pleasure Jake in the middle of the battlefield.
The bandits were frozen in place, unsure of what to do. Some of them looked like they wanted to attack, but the sight of Ursha and Jake's intimate moment seemed to have stunned them into submission.
Ursha continued to work her magic on Jake, her skilled hands bringing him closer and closeAs Ursha continued to pleasure Jake, she let out a low, sensual moan. "Moooo," she said, her voice dripping with desire.
As Ursha continued to pleasure Jake, she let out a low, sensual moan. "Moooo," she said, her voice dripping with desire.
The bandits were absolutely flabbergasted by the sight of Ursha and Jake engaging in their intimate activities. They had never seen anything like it before, and the fact that Ursha had just mooed while doing it made it even more surreal.
Some of the bandits began to back away, looking like they wanted to flee the scene. Others stood there, still frozen in shock, their weapons forgotten in their hands.
Ursha's movements became more aggressive and intense as she sucked on Jake's porcelain penis. She bounced her ass with each thrust, her body moving in perfect rhythm with his.
The bandits watched in awe as Ursha's performance became more and more intense. Some of them were starting to look a little turned on by the sight, despite themselves.
The leader of the bandits finally snapped out of his daze and shouted at his men to attack. But before they could move, Ursha kicked them with her powerful hooves, sending them flying backwards.
She continued to defend Jake while still sucking him off, her movements fluid and precise. It was clear that she was a skilled fighter, even in the midst of such a strange situation.
Jake was completely overwhelmed by the combination of pleasure and danger. He had never felt so alive, but he was also terrified of what might happen next.
Ursha could sense his anxiety and tried to reassure him with her movements. She sucked him harder and faster, her tongue swirling around his porcelain member. "Don't worry," she said between breaths. "I've got you."
As the last of the bandits fell to the ground, Ursha focused all of her attention on Jake. She could sense that he was close to reaching his climax, and she redoubled her efforts to bring him there.
With a final, powerful suck, she sent him over the edge, his body convulsing with pleasure as he came.
The world went blurry as I tried to process what had just happened. Ursha had taken things to a level I was not prepared for, and before I knew it, I... well, I came, hard. Like, magical-burst-of-energy-that-could-knock-down-a-wall hard.
And that's exactly what happened.
The blast of energy from my porcelain body surged out in a glowing shockwave, and the bandits, who had been gearing up for another attack, were knocked back like ragdolls. They flew into the air, landing in a heap several feet away, completely unconscious. The entire camp was still, the bandits sprawled out like they'd just been hit by a toilet-shaped hurricane.
Ursha, panting from both battle and, uh, recent events, pulled herself off me and wiped the sweat from her brow. "That… was unexpected," she said, grinning as she glanced over at the knocked-out bandits. "But effective."
I was too shocked to respond. My porcelain tank was still buzzing with the aftereffects of the magical release, and my appendage slowly retracted, glowing faintly as it slid back into place.
"I… I just knocked out a whole group of bandits by… you know."
Ursha laughed, slapping me on the side. "Hey, whatever works, right? You should be proud of yourself, Toilet Man. Not every adventurer can take out a whole camp of thieves with… that."
I groaned, trying to steady myself as the last bits of energy fizzled out of my body. "I don't think 'proud' is the word I'd use. More like 'deeply confused and mildly horrified.'"
Ursha shrugged, already rummaging through the bandits' belongings. "Well, I'd say we earned that old lady's bed pan, at least."
She found the bed pan in one of the bandit's tents, a slightly dented but still functional metal bowl. It didn't look particularly special, but it was what we came for, so I couldn't complain.
"Let's get this back to Gertrude," Ursha said, hoisting the bed pan under one arm and giving me a nod. "You good to go, Toilet Man?"
I sighed, if I could sigh, and rolled along behind her. "Yeah, I'm fine. Let's just get this over with."
We returned to Old Lady Gertrude's cottage, feeling somewhat victorious despite the absurdity of what had just gone down. Ursha knocked on the door, and the old lady hobbled out, her eyes narrowing as she looked at the bed pan in Ursha's hand.
"Well, we got your bed pan back," Ursha said, holding it up with a satisfied grin.
Gertrude squinted at the pan for a long moment, then shook her head.
"That's not my bed pan," she said flatly.
I froze. "What do you mean, 'that's not your bed pan'? You said the bandits stole all your stuff!"
Gertrude scratched her chin thoughtfully. "Oh, I found my bed pan behind the house earlier today. Guess I must've left it there."
Ursha stared at the old woman, her grin fading into a look of pure disbelief. "You mean… we went through all that for a bed pan that wasn't even yours?"
Gertrude shrugged, completely unfazed. "Looks like it. But it's a nice bed pan you found there. Maybe someone else's. You can keep it."
I couldn't believe it. After everything we'd been through, the fight, the… other stuff, all for a bed pan that wasn't even the right one.
"Are you serious?" I groaned, feeling a surge of frustration. "We almost got killed by bandits for this!"
Gertrude waved a hand dismissively. "It happens. Thanks for the effort. I'll be sure to mention your hard work to the guild."
And with that, she turned and hobbled back inside, leaving Ursha and me standing there with an unwanted, second-hand bed pan.
Ursha looked down at it, then over at me, and shrugged. "Well, that's Lavatoria for you. Come on, let's go get our reward."
We made our way back to the Adventurer's Guild, where the dwarf from earlier gave us an approving nod as we handed him the quest sheet.
"Good job with the bandits," he grunted. "Here's your reward."
He handed us a small pouch of coins, which Ursha pocketed with a grin. I couldn't help but feel a bit miffed that we'd gone through so much trouble, mostly for a bed pan that wasn't even important, but at least we got something out of it.
As we left the guild, Ursha gave me a pat on the side. "Not bad for your first fetch quest, Toilet Man. You handled yourself pretty well."
"Yeah, if by 'well,' you mean 'knocked out a bunch of bandits in the most humiliating way possible,'" I muttered.
She laughed, shaking her head. "Hey, a win's a win. Besides, who knows what kind of weird stuff we'll get into next."
I groaned. "I'm not sure I'm ready to find out."
But deep down, I knew that in Lavatoria, things were only going to get weirder.