Okay, so, I'd just blasted a troll with the kind of power you only read about in deranged fairytales. And, to be honest, I felt good, not just because I could walk now, not just because I had some weird toilet spirit talking in my head like a mystical bathroom attendant. No, I felt good because for the first time since I was turned into a porcelain seat of doom, I realized I might actually be kind of… badass.
"Chosen One," the sultry voice of my toilet spirit cooed in my head, breaking my moment of internal glory. "Your journey has only just begun. Your powers will continue to grow, but you must embrace your role as the Vessel of Power. Soon, you will unlock abilities beyond comprehension."
I sighed internally, or, well, toilets don't sigh, but you get the drift. "More powers? I'm already struggling to figure out what I've got. What's next? Am I gonna shoot bubbles? Summon a porcelain army?"
The spirit's laugh was soft, almost teasing. "In time, you will see."
But before I could respond with some sarcastic quip, something else happened. The ground rumbled again, not from a troll this time, but from deep below, like something ancient and dangerous was stirring beneath the village. I felt it in my base, somehow, being connected to the ground in the most literal way possible as a toilet gave me a sense of what was coming. And whatever it was, it wasn't good.
Ursha, the ever-dominant minotaur warrior and, somehow, my wife, looked down at me, her brow furrowed. "You feel that?" she asked, her voice low.
"Uh, yeah. I definitely feel it. What the hell is it?"
Ursha didn't respond immediately. Instead, she bent down, pressing her massive hand to the cobblestone ground. After a moment, her eyes narrowed. "That's not natural."
Before I could ask what the hell she meant, the ground beneath us exploded. Cobblestones flew into the air, and suddenly, emerging from the depths of Lavatoria itself, came… the Sewer Serpent.
"Oh, come on! What is this place?" I screamed internally as the massive, slick, and somehow shit-covered serpent slithered out of the gaping hole in the ground. It was at least twenty feet long, with scales that gleamed with the slimy residue of whatever filth had been lurking beneath the village for God knows how long. Its eyes glowed a sickly green, and its fanged mouth opened wide, releasing a stench that even I, a sentient toilet, found disgusting.
The villagers screamed and scattered, trying to escape the chaos as the serpent whipped its enormous body around, knocking carts and market stalls into the air like they were nothing. The thing was pure chaos, a sewer monster straight out of the worst fever dream imaginable.
"What the hell is that?!" I yelled, still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Lavatoria had sewer bosses.
Ursha snorted, drawing her axe as she stepped forward. "Sewer Serpent. Nasty bastards. They come up when the underground gets too backed up. Looks like we've got one hell of a clog."
"A clog?! This thing is a living pipe snake from hell!"
The serpent let out an ear-splitting screech and lunged toward us, its jaws wide open, ready to swallow me whole. I froze, my plunger feet stuck to the ground in panic. I mean, I had a magic toilet penis, sure, but this thing looked like it could eat me in one bite!
"Use your powers, Chosen One!" the toilet spirit's voice urged, but it wasn't exactly offering helpful instructions.
Ursha, ever the warrior, charged forward with a battle cry, swinging her massive axe at the serpent's head. The blade connected with a sickening crunch, but the Sewer Serpent barely flinched, its slimy body writhing in fury. It snapped at Ursha, missing her by inches as she danced back, her hooves clattering on the cobblestones.
"Okay, Jake, time to step up," I muttered to myself, trying to muster up the courage to do… something. But what? Blast it with more magic? I hadn't even figured out how to aim properly yet!
The serpent whipped its tail around, smashing into a nearby cart and sending crates of cabbage flying. It slithered toward me, its glowing green eyes locked onto my porcelain form with an intensity that made my lid slam shut in terror.
"It wants to eat me! Of course it does, I'm a toilet and it's a sewer beast!"
Then, out of nowhere, the voice in my head spoke up again, but this time, it was different, urgent, commanding.
"Jake, now is the time to unleash your next ability. Focus on the filth. Let it flow through you."
I blinked, or, well, you know, tried to blink. "Let it flow through me? What does that even mean?!"
But there was no time to argue. The serpent lunged again, and I instinctively reacted, clenching my handle fingers and planting my feet firmly on the ground. I could feel it, the power building inside me. It wasn't the same energy I'd used to blast the troll. No, this was something new, something disgusting, and it was swirling deep in my tank.
I let out a deep, guttural flush, and suddenly, my entire body glowed with a sickly green light. The serpent paused, its beady eyes narrowing in confusion.
"Now, Jake," the spirit urged. "Release the power of the Clog Bomb."
"Clog Bomb?!" I mentally screamed, but before I could question it further, my body reacted on its own.
With a thunderous gurgle, I opened my lid and, well, launched a massive, swirling vortex of pure sewer sludge straight at the serpent's face. The sheer force of it was insane, like someone had unleashed every disgusting drain cleaner ever invented, mixed with the worst sewage backup you could imagine.
The serpent hissed in shock as the sludge hit it square in the face, blinding it and covering its entire body in the thick, putrid mess. The creature thrashed wildly, its once terrifying form now reduced to a wriggling, slimy disaster.
"Did I just… clog a sewer serpent?" I asked, half-disgusted, half-proud.
Ursha looked at me, clearly impressed despite the horrific situation. "Nice shot, Toilet Man. But we're not done yet."
There I was, standing proud (well, as proud as a toilet could be) after hitting a massive sewer serpent with the world's most disgusting attack, a Clog Bomb. The creature, now drenched in an avalanche of sludge and reeking of the worst kind of filth imaginable, writhed in agony, flailing around like a worm in hot grease.
"Did I seriously just clog a sewer monster?" I muttered, half in disbelief. This was my life now.
But then, just as I thought the Sewer Serpent was down for the count, it reared back with a blood-curdling hiss, its glowing green eyes now locked on me with a newfound fury. Great. Not only had I clogged the thing, but now it wanted to make me its toilet revenge target.
"Ursha, any ideas here?" I called out, my handle fingers twitching in panic.
Ursha, still wielding her massive axe, glanced over at me with a wicked grin. "Keep doing what you're doing, Toilet Man! I'll carve it up while it's distracted by all your... crap!"
Before I could argue, the serpent lunged at me, snapping its slimy jaws. My porcelain body instinctively reacted, and with another deep gurgle, I unleashed a stream of highly pressurized sewer water straight into the beast's face. It was like turning a fire hose on a garbage disposal, absolutely disgusting, but somehow... effective?
"Take that, you overgrown turd worm!" I shouted, riding the high of battle as my magic blast knocked the serpent back.
"Jake, you're gaining more control," the toilet spirit chimed in my head, sounding weirdly proud. "But this fight isn't over. You must release your next power if you hope to vanquish this creature."
"There's more?!" I yelped, barely keeping myself upright as the serpent thrashed wildly.
"Indeed. The time has come to unlock your Ultimate Plunge ability."
I had no idea what that was, but I wasn't about to argue with the voice in my head during a life-or-death sewer monster battle. I braced myself, feeling the energy building inside my porcelain tank again. My handle fingers flexed, my feet stuck to the ground with purpose, and the glow around my porcelain penis returned, but this time, it was brighter, pulsating with a bizarre, cosmic energy.
"Okay, here we go!" I muttered as I focused, letting the power well up inside me. The serpent lunged again, but before it could get any closer, I unleashed my next move.
"ULTIMATE PLUNGE!" I bellowed, though honestly, it came out more like a gurgling roar.
In an instant, a massive, swirling vortex of magical toilet energy erupted from my base, pulling everything within a ten-foot radius into its swirling whirlpool of doom. The serpent was caught in the pull, its enormous body flailing helplessly as it was sucked into the maelstrom. The sheer force of the plunge was ridiculous, like a black hole made of plumbing, dragging the creature down into the depths of Lavatoria's darkest sewers.
The ground rumbled as the vortex continued to suck up debris, sewage, and whatever else was unlucky enough to be nearby. Ursha had to plant her hooves firmly to keep from getting dragged in herself.
"Holy, Toilet Man! What the hell did you just do?!" she yelled, watching in awe as the Sewer Serpent was swallowed by the swirling toilet energy.
I couldn't respond, I was too focused on keeping the Ultimate Plunge going. My entire body felt like it was about to explode from the sheer power coursing through me. My lid was flapping wildly, my handle fingers twitching uncontrollably, and I swear my plunger feet were vibrating with the force of the magic I was unleashing.
And then, just as suddenly as it began, the vortex collapsed. The ground beneath me stopped shaking, and the swirling energy dissipated into the air, leaving behind a scene of utter destruction. The Sewer Serpent was gone, sucked into the depths of the sewers, never to be seen again.
I stood there, panting (or the toilet equivalent of panting), feeling both victorious and incredibly confused by what had just happened.
"You have done well, Jake," the spirit cooed in my mind, her voice now filled with approval. "You are truly beginning to understand the power of the flush."
"I just... plunged a sewer serpent into oblivion," I muttered, still trying to wrap my head around the insanity of the situation.
Ursha approached, her massive hooves clomping against the cobblestones as she gave me a hearty slap on the side. "That was... incredible, Toilet Man. You really pulled that one out of your, uh... bowl." She let out a booming laugh, clearly impressed by my ridiculous new powers.
"I can't believe this is my life now," I groaned, wobbling slightly as the exhaustion from using such an intense power began to hit me. My porcelain body creaked as I tried to steady myself.
"Rest now, Chosen One," the spirit urged softly. "Your power is great, but you must learn to control it. There are more abilities yet to be unlocked, and more threats await you in this world."
"Oh, great. More threats," I muttered sarcastically. "What's next? A dragon made of... I don't know, enchanted toilet paper?"
Ursha snorted. "Don't give this world any ideas, Toilet Man. You've already summoned a sewer vortex that swallowed a giant monster. The possibilities are endless."
I wanted to argue, but deep down, I knew she was right. Lavatoria was a place where the absurd was the everyday, and I, Jake Smith, former IT guy turned sentient toilet, was stuck right in the middle of it.
As I stood there, trying to absorb what had just happened, a new realization hit me.
"I really hope the next monster doesn't involve more sewage," I muttered, though with my luck, I had a feeling the universe wasn't done messing with me just yet.