It's monday. I'm nervous and excited to see Hoshi on the crossing.
I've been rehearsing how to ask for his number, and thinking of all the possible situations that could occur. Overthinking is what I regard senseless, yet I let myself fall into it too.
The time is coming. I'm starting to get uneasy, but my will doesn't let me give up.
It starts raining.
My heart beats fast, and it's heavy to breathe. I'm standing in front of the crossing, and Symptoms of nervousness and social anxiety are tearing me apart.
I take a step on it. Then I take another one, another one, and I'm walking, watching all around me,searching for Hoshi.
Where is he?
When I'm on the other side, I turn to check if I didn't miss him by chance, but he's nowhere to be seen. This just makes me feel more vulnerable. What if I meet him somewhere, unprepared?
.
.
.
.
It's tuesday. Wednesday….. Thursday-. Friday. sight
"Am I really not going to see him ever again?"
This week has been cold. And rainy.
It's Friday night, and I'm at Yuki's apartment, standing on a cold balcony, listening to the rain. I'm pretending to be more miserable than I actually am.
"Oh Nikko. Don't be so sad about it. You barely knew him." She says honestly.
"I knoow, I knoooow. But when he really was so comfortable, calm and kind and comfortable~. Even attractive," I say dreamily. "but he was probably straight. You're right Yuki. I should forget about him, but I won't..." I say "Instead I'm going to value the time I spent with him, and the feelings he made me feel."
"But promise me not to ever miss him again." She says with a chuckle.
"Maybe in my poems. But I promise, he won't make me feel sad again." I smile on her in return.
I got over it really fast. He's a nice guy, but I only know his name. It was just love at first sight. Nothing more, nothing less…..
It's sunday.
It finally stopped raining, and is dry now, but this night is especially cold.
I'm in the city, looking for some place to stuff my stomach.
The city lights are so beautiful. Its neon colour shines up the city, and all the people here, even Hoshi. Wait- what- HOSHI?
What is he doing here?
He's coughing and sniffing….. that's why he hasn't been around… HE'S BEEN SICK.
I thought he decided to move into a new country, avoid me, kill himself,... EVERYTHING, BUT HE WAS ONLY SICK.
I cry inside because of my stupidity, but it wouldn't be me if it didn't turn into laughter. So I just smile. All the nervousness I felt last week is gone.
He's also walking alone. He's got a black trench coat, a scarf around his neck, and a shoulder bag.
I went up to him. "Hey Hoshi-san!" I greet him happily
"Nikko? Hey!" He's a bit surprised by this sudden ambush of mine.
"I just- you didn't give me your number last time. Would it be okay if I get it?" My voice got a little shy, as I didn't know how to ask him
"Of course" he says with a smile "I totally forgot to ask you for Your's in the rush too. I'm sorry."
He's looking at me neatly, and he really seems sorry. I can't. When I lend him my phone to type the number in, I mustn't but blush. His hands are a bit bigger than mine, his fingers are slim,and long. As I take my phone back, I accidentally brush my finger over his. His hands are ice cold.
"Sorry." I say quietly
"I'm going to the cafe we met last week in. Don't you wanna go too?"
How can he be so brave talking to other people???
"Sure! But this time I'll pay for myself." I giggle "No, but- thank you. It was nice of you." I smile warmly on him. I think he may need some warmness today….
View from the cafe is even better at night. We sit in the corner of glassed walls.
The city shines under us. It's beautiful.
Hoshi told me about his cat - Nelson and how he almost got lost today. He confirmed that he was sick this whole week, and he also told me about his roommate.
"Oh, so you live with your girlfriend?"
My love for him has been buried….