Chereads / We fell in love in autumn / Chapter 12 - You make me happy

Chapter 12 - You make me happy

I've been feeling sad lately…

The weather is getting darker,colder. Yuki is busy, Hosi is busy… and after a long time I feel alone.

I love being alone, but I love spending time with the ones that care too.

You know, I love listening to Hoshi's stories, to Yuki's yapping about people, I love to talk to them, and understand them, and tell them about my day, about my favourite books, about my marks and all the exams that I'm about to pass. I love it when Hoshi always looks me in the eyes and silently tells me how beautiful they are, I love it when Yuki scolds when her baking fails, and I love it when the people around me let me hear them, and hear me. I love it when people are happy, but I just can't see it when I'm sad.

All I do is watch instagram and dance to 15 second songs that are repeating after every 2nd/3rd video. I dance until I'm out of breath.

It's a way of procrastination and escape from reality that makes me feel even worse as a result.

After school, everyday, I do this until I need to go to bed. Instead of studying or instead of caring for myself. I hate myself for it.

I sit down as I try to calm down. I can't even cry, because that would be regretting myself, and that is a waste of time. I can't regret myself, nor little. I haven't cried well for over 6 months now, and I miss the calming feeling of pearls rolling down my cheeks, down my lips letting me taste the saltiness of their purity….Feeling of pure water drops all over my face, cleaning my inner self, are something I need, but can't get lately.

Hoshi textes me.

It's late Friday night, but he asks me to go out.

Without hesitating I say yes. I need a hug, I need to solve my problems, and I know he will listen. My tired lips form a slight smile, and I can feel a hint of some inner warmness inside. I can't wait for his comfortable personality to brighten my gray mood.

I get some hoodie on, a pair of jeans, take my phone only, and set off to a park where our meeting spot is.

Hoshi is wearing a cozy hoodie and some black pair of straight jeans. He looks as spontaneous as me. I am more quiet than usual today. The depression I'm going through is for sure noticeable, even though I try not to affect our conversation by my current feelings.

Hoshi obviously notices something is wrong. I think more than speak, and there are quiet moments in our almost one sided conversation.

"Nikko, is everything alright?" His look is reassuring. It tells me not to worry. Literally." Don't worry, you can tell me everything." He says. I've been craving to confide this whole time. Now I have the opportunity to.

"I've been just feeling pretty miserable lately…." I say. Our conversation continues in the most beautiful way possible. His words are considerate, and gentle. I tell him everything. From my escapism to my loneliness. And he doesn't regret me. He knows exactly what to say and what to do. He doesn't try to be the one I can rely on, He IS the one I can rely on.

"Whenever you feel these emotions again, just call me, and let's hang out. Let's let our phones home and talk about our feelings. Let's solve problems that are drowning us, while being quiet. Let me make you happy. Let me make you love and be loved even at these times." He looks me in the eyes, and hugs me as gently as his voice was talking to me. His messy hair is flying in the cold October wind, and I can't help it but touch it. I smile at him as my hand plays with his hair. His look is confused. He looks so cute when he's confused. I look him in the eyes. We're so close now, his lips soft, slightly parted, ready for a kiss, but mine can't kiss. Mine can only speak. "There's no one else who makes me feel the way you make me feel. You make me happy"