I've been feeling sad lately…
The weather is getting darker,colder. Yuki is busy, Hosi is busy… and after a long time I feel alone.
I love being alone, but I love spending time with those who I care about.
You know, I love listening to Hoshi's crazy stories, to Yuki's yapping about everyone and everything, I love to talk to them, and understand them. And tell them about my days, about my favourite books, about my marks and all the exams that I'm about to pass. I love it when Hoshi always looks me in the eyes, and silently tells me how beautiful they are,I love it when Yuki scolds when her baking fails, and I love it when the people around me let me hear them, and hear me. I love it when people are happy, although it's sometimes hard for me to see.
All I do now is watch tik tok and dance to 15 second songs that are repeating after every 2nd/3rd video. I literally dance until I'm out of breath.
It's a way of procrastination and escape from reality that makes me feel even worse as a result…
After school, everytime I feel emotionally tired, I do this until I need to go to bed. Instead of studying or instead of caring for myself I do this, andI hate myself for it. It's comparable to a drug. It makes me forget my problems, and makes me happy, but only for a certain amount of time. After this magical euphoria of dancing and singing fades away, I'm left miserable.
I sit down as I try to calm down. I can't even cry, because that would mean regretting myself, and that is a waste of time. I can't regret myself, nor little. I haven't cried well for over 6 months now, and I miss the calming feeling of pearls rolling down my cheeks, down my lips letting me taste the saltiness of their purity….Feeling of pure water drops all over my face, cleaning my inner self, are something I need, but can't get lately.
It needs to stop. I have to stand up, and get control over myself again. And I'm devoted-
Suddenly, Hoshi textes me.
It's late night, Friday, and he asks me to go out. "Wouldn't you wanna go out now?"
Without hesitating I say yes. I need a hug, I need to solve my problems, and I know he will listen, and help me. My tired lips form a light smile, and I can feel a hint of some inner warmness inside. I can't wait for his comfortable personality to brighten my gray mood. Actually, I'm already joyfull just from the thought of getting to see him.
I put on some hoodie, a pair of jeans, take my phone only, and set off to a park in the city where we'll meet.
.
.
.
.
In the distance, I can already see Hoshi. He is wearing a cozy, zip up hoodie and some black pair of straight jeans. He looks as spontaneous as me. Today we went no preparation, just feeling comfy.
As we are walking through the dark park, the white city lights brighten our figures. I suddenly realise I am more quiet than usual today. The depression I'm going through is for sure noticeable, even though I try not to affect our conversation by my current feelings.
Hoshi obviously notices something is wrong too. I think more than speak, and there are quiet moments in our almost one sided conversation.
"Nikko, is everything alright?" His look is reassuring. It tells me not to worry. Literally." Don't worry, you can tell me everything." He says, slouching a little, and tilting his head to face me, who's not been looking at him.
I've been actually craving to confide this whole time. Now I have the opportunity to.
"I've been just feeling pretty miserable lately…." I confess. Our conversation continues in the most beautiful way possible. Hoshi's words are considerate, and gentle when he speaks. I tell him everything, from my escapism, to my loneliness. The words are falling out of me chaotically, but very slowly. It's suddenly hard to express myself, and I keep stumbling, and wondering in my sentences. Hoshi's look remains soft, emphatic sort of. And he doesn't regret me, instead he encourages me to get better. Hoshi shows his belief to me. Let me just say, he doesn't try to be the one I can rely on, He IS the one I can rely on. He knows what type of encouragement I need.
"Don't ever lose hope in yourself again. But if you ever will, I will have the hope for you. Whenever you feel these emotions again, just call me, and let's hang out. Let's leave our phones home and talk about our feelings. Let's solve problems that are drowning us, while being quiet. Let me make you happy. Let me make you love and be loved even at these times." He looks me in the eyes, and hugs me as gently as his voice was talking to me. His messy hair is flying in the cold October wind, and I can't help it but play with them, as I remain in his embrace. I smile softly, and I let my eyes close.
When I pull back, my eyes meet his. Although I pulled back, we're still so close now. Hoshi's lips are so smooth, slightly parted, ready for a wispy kiss. I'd lean in, but unfortunately, my lips can't kiss. Mine can only speak.
"There's no one else who makes me feel the way you make me feel. You make me happy"