Hiraeth
1 May, 2022
Dear Sun,
It was those lazy mornings where we were tangled in your bed, under your warm comforter. The thick brisk blanket wasn't enough so you snuggled more into me to warm yourself and eventually me. I buried my face into your neck and breathed, the sleepiness was high in my eyes and vivid in my inhaling. I breathed heavily as I was so droopy. It was 5 in the morning, but I heard rain pouring sounds from our window and a thick musky earthy wind brushed past us because the window was slightly open. You were cradling me as if I was a newborn. I wanted to get up and close the window but your heavy unconscious body was on top of me and I couldn't get myself to remove your body from me. you know insecurities. I started thinking if I leave you now, what if you always find comfort in that posture without me grinding to your chest with my face, so I tried to hold you closer to me more with my petite arms and let you sleep. Your breathing was calming, it wasn't soundless, and I could hear your snores but it wasn't deafening, they were a little bird-like chirping, the bird would be a pigeon in this case, your snores were heavy, and it was making me shiver every time. I tried to move because the breeze was rapid and it was making me shiver in the cold. I had to close the window, but you didn't let me move at all. As if it was disturbing your heavenly sleep. My absence. I smiled and kissed your hair and left my pillow for you to hold and got up running to close the window. I came back seeing your arms widely searching for me in the huge bed expanse as if the pillow didn't give you a single bit of fragrance of mine. I giggled and ran towards you, and saw you slightly getting irritated and waking up only to find me sitting in front of you. you made grabby hands like an infant asking to be carried. I kissed your head multiple times and hid you in my embrace as tightly as I could and you slept without any time wasting. I smiled gently seeing you sleeping with me thinking I was your home. was I? I was.
Yours Sunflower
5 May, 2022
Dear Sun,
"Morning, Mr. World's most handsome man for 5 consecutive years"
I whispered near your ear as you fluttered your eyes open with a curve in your lips. You purse your lips and smile a chaste one. A pink tint was painted on your cheeks as they heaved up, as they always did. I kissed your nose as you scrunched it, making me chortle. I kissed it again and you again squeezed your palm on your nose and I laughed.
"I don't think I am that handsome"
I acted as if I was considering your point and you looked at me as if you felt betrayed. I laughed looking at you, and kissed the frown on your forehead.
"you are the prettiest," I said
I rested on my elbow on the bed and looked at you sleeping in the cocoon I had created with my drape around you and then seeing you wake up with my voice, you can't sleep without my fragrance. I blushed hard and kissed your forehead until you started giggling. You pulled me and I ended up in your lap as you looked at me. as if the real human me. as if you were seeing my every thought laid against you as if you were seeing every naked thought, every truth, every healed scar, which was healed by you as if you are seeing your creation, your sunflower. Which blooms for you?
"you are so beautiful you should know that"
You laughed and I wish I could stop the time right there and forever be there. This, this warmth of you, when the sunlights are all over draped surrounding you making you a ball of fire, but I wasn't burning. The sunlight in your honey-yellowish skin was enough for me to melt. I kept looking at you, how the pupils in your eyes dialect, how they are changing colors and now your eyes had hazel brown and suddenly coffee brown ones and then again light milk chocolate brown. I kept looking at you thinking how the colors love you, how they change in your eyes with so much ease, didn't they know they were making you look the most beautiful magnificent creation of god, not less than a flower but more beautiful than a newfound platinum? I cupped your face and let you see me; there is nothing in me to make you see, but you were seeing as if I was the most beautiful thing god ever created. More than a flower and not any less than platinum. I could bathe in you. In your beauty.
But it's not only the beauty, it's the way your eyes are so gentle to everything, so considerate, so sincere, so kind. How are you so beautiful from the inside?
How a superstar is ordinary at home as if you got nothing to give to me, just love. I have always wanted you but after knowing you, the wants are nowhere. there is this desire. I bit my lips and said,
"I love you"
I whispered actually but you still.
Those tears were so beautiful as if I could drown. our lips met. Tears smeared everywhere. But it was our home, messy but kind.
Yours Sunflower
15 May, 2022
Dear Sun,
I kept swaying our bodies as I was lying on your chest, it was heavily raining outside. The thick droplets were hitting on our windshield, flinching our collapsed body, plant-based thin air was coming from the peepholes of the window corners and AC ducts. A few salted crystal clear liquids fell from my eyes as my neck was drenched with millions of other liquid droplets. Your tears poured on my heart and mind, as I kept rocking us with your face buried in my neck. My heart was beating so fast that I felt it might jump out of my chest, my heart was aching. Such excruciating pain came from the stabbing, which was invisible, and I almost lost consciousness. Your sweaty knotted hair was messing with mine. I couldn't control your sobs, your whimpers against me. Your panic attack got the best of you. You were trembling and it was increasing with each second. You were telling me about the story where this girl hurt you. How much you tried to breathe when she uttered those words, how much you tried to survive her betrayal, how much you tried to control your tears that day when she left. How much she slammed those sharp-edged words which cut through like knife stabs. My eyelashes and warm water started falling from my eyes, wetting my t-shirt. I tightly held your shoulders with both my palms and then eventually held the back of your head to stabilize your anxiety. I kept holding you as tightly as I could. I tried my best to stop you from shaking this badly. But I remember you saying you loved her, you loved her, and you loved her. I felt I stopped consuming the words as my heart froze right there. No girl can hear those words from their loved ones even if it is from the past. I felt my heart thumping gone slow to almost stopping. Suddenly my brain got numbed and I felt like collapsing for me not to feel anymore. The pain was so much that I felt someone slicing through me, layer by layer. I didn't know what to feel specifically. I had prepared myself to not get affected by the words of your past lover. I shivered in your arms as you pulled your head only to look at me fearfully. What if I turn you down, what if I leave you now getting insecure, what if I stop you now from telling further, what if you made a big mistake by telling me? I could read you, I know these were your thoughts. I tried my best to gulp it down, I tried to swallow the words where you were so happy with her, where your touches pleasured her, where you spent your night entangled in her embrace, where you were making love, where you were making her happy, where you felt this is it, she is the one, where you felt like surrendering your life just to see her satisfied and happy, where you thought of her as your whole world. I burst into tears again hugging you, snuggling myself more to you to just make myself believe you are with me, you are mine, now your whole world is me, what if I was not? What if I wasn't? I trembled and trembled. You kept holding me tightly, not letting me faint. At one point, so much thought was there in my mind that I thought I would faint. I felt myself getting warm, I never remember myself having a fever. I felt a cold wind blowing rapidly then and I felt cold all over. These temperature changes were making me feel nauseous. I felt I might stop breathing. I felt jealous, I felt angry, I felt sad, I felt like crying so much more than I was. I looked into your eyes again, so much fear was showcasing, that my heart flipped. As if your breath was stuck in your throat.
"I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry"
You whispered and before you could have said anything, I kissed you. so fervently, you responded without thinking, we both needed this, the confirmation we are still with each other, and we didn't drown ourselves in overthinking our insecurities. You kissed me as if I was the only thing that mattered. As if you could do anything to make me satisfied. But you did those things with her too. Suddenly these thoughts started consuming me and I felt darkness all around me. your touches were roaming around my body but I kept thinking your fingers touched others too, I shivered and pushed you, you thought I was angry, I didn't even know what I was feeling. I stood up and started to leave the room without hearing any of your pleadings. I knew the fear would kick in both of us. I stood near the doorstep. Then I thought how cowardly I was to even think of leaving. I was just about to do the same as the girl did, leaving him. I was about to be her, to give him pain again and this time I didn't think you would survive. That girl left the opportunity, why should I? That girl threw away the blessing of being loved by you. you chose me because I was worth it, not her. After all, she hurt you. you let her go, but I could still hear your pleading, you begging for me to not leave, you gave your warmth and affection to me because you chose to not give her those, I was so proud of you and was so guilty for leaving you. I looked back and saw you couldn't control your sobbing and kneeling on the ground.
I turned and knelt in front of you, you looked with rays of hope in your eyes. I needed to make you believe I was not her. I held your hands and made you stand up. I caressed your cheeks and made you slowly lie down on the bed. I hovered over you. I kissed your forehead. I kissed your eyelashes, I kissed your nose, I let you inhale with relief as I smiled at you looking straight at your eyes saying I was never leaving you. a few tear drops fell from your eyes of extreme relief. I captured your lips, making your breath in me, I wasn't her. I was me and then I was yours, forever. I am bound to you. How could I have left when you were being vulnerable to me? This is the only thing I got. You weren't vulnerable with her, but only me. I should feel privileged. I loved you so much. I kissed you until you completely believed I was okay with your past, I kissed you until you completely healed, I kissed you until I stitched your wounds, I kissed you until you forgot her existence, I kissed you until you memorized my scent, my touches, my habits. I kissed you until your mind consumed me and your heart was filled with me, I kissed you until I made sure you remember me just by inhaling. I kissed you until you loved me, and only me.
Yours Sunflower
23 May, 2022
Dear Sun,
I jumped up from my sleep, jerking up, my chest wilting in beating. Heart beats palpitating. I held my chest with my palm as the sound grew loud and obnoxious. I looked at my window shield. Someone was outside, knocking rather furiously. Bagging the shield it was almost on the verge of breaking. I felt fear creeping into me. Shivers running down like sweat beads. I went closer, the shadow outside the window was in a posture I barely could recognize.
"Who is it?" my voice trembled. I looked back at the alarm clock on my side table. It was 12:05. Who could it be, must be an intruder. The knock was prominent. Frequent. Making my heart thud.
"Who is it?" I asked again, this time cautious, in a whisper.
The silence is deafening. Someone stopped knocking, I tried to hear the breathing of someone. I stood close to the window because I don't know why, it made me think it wasn't an intruder. I opened the windshield in a snap, without figuring out the breath. And there you were. Standing with that huge grin of yours. Which automatically made me smile, I crackled, as you entered with a wave of cold icy air. Making me feel cold all over. You jumped inside my room as if this one was your natural activity. The shield banged against the door as the wind was stormy. I think it was about to rain soon. Your long black hair is messy as always. You never come to me, poisoning your hair. Your eyes crinkled with shine, brighter than I can ever imagine the sun.
"Happy birthday Sun"
I giggled as you leaned closer, attaching our foreheads, carrying me, swaying me in the air by holding my hips. My cheeks were hurting from smiling so much, chuckling in front of me, you let me hold you, and wrap my arms around your shoulder. Our lips itching apart, there was a captivating contest of who would be leaning in first, who would give in, you leaned as I moved my face, letting your lips linger in my cheeks, laughing loudly. Your eyes, looking at me, as if I was the shiniest, purest. You would want to hold me forever. Your embrace was warm, calming, and reassuring. I felt like I found my home, this is what I had been searching for decades huh? Our warm breath mingled as I leaned, tilting my head, and it was still in the air. Our hair was messier, falling ungracefully on the sides. Your skin was soft, but the edges were rough. You didn't shave huh? I giggled. As I attached our lips. Kissing you has always been a discovery for me. Slow, sexual, then it turns into capturing breaths, capturing smiles in between, curving, molding, and reliving in each other's touches. You kissed me with fever and vigor. It was passionate but it was slow. Almost a mewl. You were stubborn, never leaving my breaths, snatching them, in such a rough way. I pulled away as you attached your forehead looking at my eyes. I could easily believe this was real. But is it? I can still feel you in my blood, in my saliva. In my pumped-up veins. I could feel you shivering inside me. Were we one person?
"Happy birthday sun" My lips curved up wide and I smiled a wide grin. Your teeth were showing.
"I made cake," you said, your eyes fluttering in excitement. The air might choke me at any moment.
"Really?" I asked and you nodded while making me sit on your lap in the bed. I straddled you. But it wasn't intimate, almost like cradling an infant to its favorite person.
Then I noticed you got a bad one as well, you sat me on the bed and went to take out the box of your handmade cake. I widened my eyes, getting glossier as time went on.
I saw a puddle of mushed-up cake, like a puddle of mud. It was the beautiful cake of my life. I giggled as you pouted
"I swear I bought it in good condition, I think while getting up to the window"
I slapped on your thigh. You jumped up, looked at me frowned
"Who asked you to come through the window"
"This is called a surprise" I laughed, your smile crooked. Liking my reaction
"I'm scared of my living shit. You idiot"
You giggled, your teeth on the showcase. You were so beautiful, I could have looked at you the whole night. The moles are decorating, smearing, and prettier. Flustered shaded pink cheeks, lips bitten. I felt my cheeks getting warm. I looked down and said
"Come let's cut it" I held the plastic knife. It was a baby knife. I intertwined our fingers as I let you cut the cake. You were looking at the cake and I was looking at you. The mole on your nose was darkened even by the light of just my lampshade.
"Oh you forgot the candle" I nodded smiling and I let you light a little candle, placing it in the puddle of mushed-up cake, it was darkened, chocolate cake. I kept looking at you in silence. Soaking the reverting beauty in front of my eyes
"Come on make a wish," you said excitedly. I said
"Let's both make a wish huh" You nodded, more energetic and excited than me. You closed your eyes, as I didn't close my eyes. I looked at your coated eyes. The big eyelashes draped like a curtain. The skin was glowing, and you were glossier, but at the same time drier too. You weren't symmetrical. But your face was curved like a god, a mythological dainty feminine god. But your shoulders were broad and masculine, veins were popping on your hand, how peaceful you looked. I kept looking at you without blinking. The wish is long gone. You were my wish. I never wished for anything other than you. You fluttered your eyes open
"What did you wish for?" I didn't say anything. Just looked at you
"You" I mumbled but I think you heard it. But never said anything. You cut a piece and fed me, I was still looking at your opened eyes, how these eyes were so dark, filled as if kohl lined. How beautifully the sun is alike. How a person can radiate this much? The cake was extremely bitter, it was uncooked, almost like a jelly texture. There was the smell of egg and flour. I ate the big piece the second time you made me eat. And I ate it. I will eat it until I can see how your eyes are turning that shape as you smile with those eyes, thinking your efforts paid off. It did. It was the tastiest thing I have ever had.
"You liked it" you asked
"There is nothing you made and I don't love it. I loved it, "I whispered. You smiled nosing my nose. Kissing my nose afterward. You ate a piece, and I kept looking at your scrunched-up face. You disliked it. I was in a trance, looking at you as if I could never look away. How were you real and breathing next to me? I captured your lips taking you by surprise. Our lips mingled and the bitter chocolate brushed against the tongue. Making it not so bitter. I could feel your hand grabbing my jaw, making it easier for you to devour me. You pulled out saying
"I am sorry, the cake didn't turn out good"
I chuckled hard, hugging you
"It was the best cake ever. I never had anything this delicious" You captured my waist making me shiver. Embracing me hard, tight.
"I hope your every wish comes true"
I smiled, kissing your hair, making you lean in my touch
"I wish the same" I laid on your chest as you graced my hair. Combed it. I heard your heartbeats, beating just in sync with mine
"I love you" I whispered and you kissed my forehead
"I know" you whispered
I smiled dreamily. At that moment I didn't think of anything. I was happy. Maybe the happiest I ever could be. I breathed in you, inhaled your fragrance. As always it was earthy, planty. Almost the smell of the rain. I slept hearing your heartbeats.
The next morning I got up. As I felt the side of my bed was empty, it always was. I grazed my fingers along the curve of the bed sheet made of your body next to me. The bed sheet was shrieking. Almost made me believe you weren't there the night before. But the rainy smell was there, the coldness of the rain was still there. I could still inhale you, feel you in my lips. Soft, piquant and plaintive. As I got up, my eyes opened. My heart is aching, heavy down. I inhaled a deep breath. Took a shower, and wiped my hair, tear droplets staining my towel. I came inside the room and I saw the bag which you discarded last night lying there on the corner of my bed. I went to it. Pulling the bag, there was a box, just like the same box, which had the cake last night. I opened the box, already knowing the inside condiments. It was the mushy cake, the same as before you cut it and made me eat. It was in the same condition as you brought it last night, but it was untouched, uncut. My windshield was closed. I exhaled my heavy breath which was stuck in my throat. I saw the pile of cake, looking like Mudd. I sat on my bed, took a spoon, and scooped some from the newly freshened identical cake from last night. But as soon as I ate it, it Tasted the same. The strong smell of egg and flour was extremely bitter. I ate the whole tub. Finished the mushy desert to my heart's content. I don't need to know if you came or not if you kissed my birthday or not. I just knew I ate the cake you made somehow. I went to the synch to wash my hands and saw my reflection, my lips were bitten and reddened, and tears were flowing like a river. I overlooked everything. Washed my hand and opened the window, wondering what were you doing.
Happy birthday to your Sun
Yours Sun
2 June, 2023
Dear Sun,
My soft touches gently started teasing your jaw as my fingers roamed around your neck afterward, lining every skin area softly. Coffee brown orbs of mine wandered around your closed-eye lashes which were dancing in the air your nose scrunched sometimes and your cheeks which were then steadily heaving up and down. My calm yet desirable eyes locked on your pair of lips which were inviting and alluring. My fingers went down caressing your bare stomach making you tilt a little to my side feeling tickled. My fingers wavered on your arms one by one, adoring the most beautiful and delicate creature God created, as if the whole universe bows to you in gratitude, as if the sky glistening with colors' admires you in every possible way as if the stardust wraps you with their brightness and the stars envy your glittering eyes because of their shine. As if the flowers themselves want to be as delicate as you. Surely God took time creating this art...the masterpiece where the creator tainted the most beautiful colors from the most beautiful creatures in the world...
Even the writers lose words to describe this soul more often, poetries are nothing but a get-together of unsuccessful words that couldn't accomplish to describe you worthily. Stories are nothing but parts discussing the beauty of you inside and out but end up being drafts, drafts, and drafts remaining in billions of pages, not even naming to end.
My lips quivered in pleasure as your grip around my waist got tighter...your arms felt so safe that I didn't care if I died afterward just by being in those veiny arms for that night...my fingers combed your messy hair as you embraced me passionately burying your face on my neck, kissing it and initiating to sleep again...my arms kept caressing your neck slowly...
Sometimes I think how this angel sleeps every night in my arms embracing me...my lips went straight to your neck and I kept pecking your skin little by little starting you're your collarbones, to each corner of the neck as you hummed indicating you were extremely satisfied. I can't control myself when it is a matter of adoring you...I wanted to pour all my affection on you and still not be satisfied with myself...I kissed your earlobes, making you twitch your closed eyes, feeling uncontrollable sensations. I kissed your cheeks as my lips trailed up to your curved eye patterns and kissed carefully. You snuggled against my chest more while moving a little indicating you were feeling shy...I smiled faintly while sniffing your addictive fragrance of hairs. Kissing it in between. My tears were falling now one by one rapidly. I wasn't thinking about anything. No agony, no angst, no anguish....only the voice of despair in my heart surrounded the atmosphere...
I slowly turned your face and noticed your eyes were already open. I smiled seeing you under me, covered with the blanket, already staring at me with a little uncontrollable shy smile with sleepy eyes...I kissed the tip of your nose and the cheekbones softly and backed away. We both kept looking at each other. Nothing, no emotions were switched nor passed through eyes...it was calm and peaceful in silence even in our insides...we were enjoying the moment, we were feeling peaceful...nothing else. no expectations, no confessions, no exchange of words, no songs were hummed, no poems were recited, no further tears fell. We were just breathing, closely and softly...breathing each other's breaths, noses brushing against each other, eyes still admiring and tightly locked with each other. my lips touched yours as slowly as possible and you let me kiss you.
Your fingers became dominant and held my both hands wrapping those on top of my head while positioning yourself on top of me hovering...
My lips molded as your lips moved, your warm breath fanning both of our attached lips, synchronizing so much perfectly like some parts of a song you were syncing in my lips...your lips parted mine as slowly as possible as you were now writing the words of your new love song, I parted my lips letting you write the further melodies inside me, my closed eyes were tearing up badly, your lips backed away a little to see me taking deep breaths while some teardrops fall finally...you learned again and I placed my lips on top of yours, dominating you...my lips captured the upper one of yours as your cheeks turned crimson red. You found himself losing his self-consciousness in my arms; I wanted you, so much of you, all of you. I kissed you softly at the start but you increased the speed of the lip movements', deepening the sensation inside, and roughly battled with my tongue after exploring inside with utmost desire. My arms freed themselves as they settled themselves on your neck pulling you closer to me, we embraced each other as we kissed until we felt breathless...but still didn't stop and kept adoring each other...your arms were wrapped against my bare waist resting under the blanket covering both of us, pulling me upwards. You backed away from kissing me as your eyes craved to watch me in your arms, giving myself to you in every possible way I could. You kissed my forehead saying
"I want to kiss you"
"What was it earlier you were doing huh?"
I giggled as I again let my lips be captured by yours in the most passionate way possible...I gave in, in the battle as you let me win this time. After softly adoring the skin of your lips, I backed away saying
You pecked my lips and forehead giggling loudly
"stop disturbing"
I smiled caressing your cheeks with my fingers as you hovered on top of me
You placed your lips on me devouring my lips in your way now....ending the night with me and you remaining in each other's arms in the tenderest way possible...
Yours Sunflower