Javi
1 YEAR AGO
"I didn't get your name"
I turned my head and looked at her as if she was on the verge of bursting out, crying. I could cry.
"My name is Javi"
"Will you stay for a while Javi"
If my name would be this beautiful in real life as she said, like my name is the only word she can say with delicacy.
"Do you want me to?"
She nodded
I can rip open my heart for you my love, staying is nothing compared to this
"I will stay then" I will stay as long as you ask me to. My days are yours, the day you let me go, I will go. If sadness is wanted, sadness will stay but maybe this time I am not the only sadness here.
"I don't want to be sad"
I could kill myself if I was the one who is making her sad, I can burn the world just to not see those sad eyes while seeing me leaving. I wish I could hurt myself more.
Instead, I slowly wrapped my arms around her neck pulling her closer, trying my best to not let her get cold because of my coldness. I was randomly walking on a road, drenched in rapid rain, and saw a quivering soul under a huge trunk tree. Life decisions were weighing me down.
Was life always this hard? I didn't understand until I saw her. the more I went close to fill up my curiosity and save that helpless soul from the rapid rain. I saw her lying on the muddy ground, I went close to her and her tear-smeared brown eyes sucked my soul. how can someone's eyes be this vacant, this empty, how can someone's eyes carry this much shattering pain? As if her whole life had collapsed in front of these brown eyes but why had this sudden extravagant urge to hold her, save her, surpassed my gut? I could feel my breath getting sucked out of my body by seeing her broken state more. She was beautiful, her body smeared with mud, her hair drenched in ugly rain, her face wet as ever, and her arms had goosebumps. she was still warm in my hands, and she was beautiful, she was beautiful and she was beautiful. I have never seen something so much of an illusionary beauty, a girl who is covered with shards of pain but still looking as painless as ever, how can she do that? a girl with pretty brown eyes but never once looking at something pointedly like every other person, her eyes are everywhere, as if searching for a long-lost piece of her heart. how beautiful she is, her cheeks are flushed, and she looks pale. but she is beautiful. my mind was screaming its lungs out. She is so beautiful. but someone couldn't save this goddess. She is dying. I need to save her
she is warm, her whole self is, the way she captured my waist as if she needed a shelter to just breathe and look at. I have no shelter. I am a broken vessel, can't she see? Can't the sunflower see, she is like the sunflower, only born for the sun to shine on her but if the sun doesn't get to her with its rays, she will rot itself? It will be raining soon. She breathed on my neck and I felt I could melt, my blood would splatter and I would be dead by getting this much warmth. Why didn't I find you earlier, my sunflower, why now? When I have to die. Life wasn't good to me either
I let her rest his head on my shoulder and I let her spoon me. so much warmth was radiating from her that I started thinking was she seeking or giving all her comfort? My home. My home has brown eyes, my home radiates lights and my home is warm. Why am I calling her home in the first meeting?
People have to always leave their homes right? Will I be able to leave my home? Am I her home? Will I be able to be at her home any day? Will my death destroy her as her tears will do to me?
I let her soak me in. Wrapping me away from the concrete jungle. I wish I could feel it. If I could feel it, I would have fallen in love with this sunflower girl by now.
Let's say I want her, I have got my eye on her. Let's say now I want to describe her eyes, her cheeks, her hair, her moles, her lips, her ears, her nose, her smile, and her every emotion. Let's say I want to keep believing my wants are worthy. Let's say I want to keep narrating her as mine, as my way, and as everything I possibly wanted in this universe. Let's say I want to fall for her. I want to fall more now and so much more that I want it to end me now. Let's say I want her to look at me just the way I described how her eyes would look at me. I want her to express every hungry and heavenly deep thought just the way I narrated it for her. I want her to be my person. I want her to breathe just the right amount of breaths I have predicted. Let's say I want her smile to be right-curved just the way I imagined. I want her silence to be poetic of just the words I wrote. I want her desires to be my instincts; I want her wants to be mine. I want me to be her to know her...till heaven lets us meet, till I can't help but close my eyes, till I can't help but stop thinking and narrating her and his godly feminine self. I want my destruction to be lined by her hands; I want her skin to be exactly the delicate as I can feel without her touching me. I want to touch her just the way I want and just the same way she wants. I want her to live inside me and tell me what she wants. It's all about want, and I want her more than I want to fall in love with her.
For the first time, I want to save a girl who is broken by giving everything to her. I want to save her from everything, her suffering. I can sacrifice myself for her to survive
If my heart is healed, she will be the one I will fall for first.
PRESENT
"Javi, Javi"
I heard her, she doesn't say my name to mean anything. I looked at her and saw how she was looking between me and the traffic getting loose ahead. The green headlight was lightning and all the cars started moving. I looked back at the road and started driving. I looked again at her eyes, those pretty brown eyes never saw me like I meant the world to her, those pretty eyes never once stared at me with love, a love I have been craving to see for more than a year, those eyes never stare at me with desire, with the need to touch me, with the need to protect me If I am scratched. She still considers me her friend. I was wrong. She was broken but the pain shards were given by someone she gave her heart to, and she can't get the heart back, she has her sun, a sunflower doesn't need rain, they need their sun to turn at. I am the rain barely washing her blood but the wound is still there, those letters, those every detailed love kills me, I am getting shattered every day. Those craving longing eyes aren't for me. I had forgotten, I could save her physically but never mentally. I can never get back the love I had from the very first day. It breaks my heart into pieces. as if a knife is getting sliced. My health wasn't mine in the first place. My Hiraeth who gets panic attacks just by hearing the name of that man she once loved proves she is still breathtakingly in love with him
and I have seen her love him to bits, her love is blooded on papers and I can't seem to handle the glow it leaves on each paper. She is the most beautiful writer and her muse is Tristan. That singer who left her to die. She was dying and I was the one to save her. Then why does he get all the love? all the attention? all the affection. I am jealous, I am hurt, I am selfish. I was the one who saved her for a year. Then why all the fondness for him, why is only these sorry for me, why these only sympathies for me? Why am I just a friend? I have loved her so much. Then why can't she have me? I am angry, I am frustrated and I am hurt. There is so much hurt that sometimes I think I shouldn't have saved her. But I fell in love with her that day, I was the one who found her smeared in an ugly heartbreak and still called her beautiful. Then why Can't I be the sun? how long these tears will fall.
she held my hand, these gestures always bring me back to life, these small skinships make me believe I am delusional. She is trying to love me. She is trying her best and I will be her last. These small efforts, her warm skin against me, bring me down and I try to believe she will soon forget her sun. but will she?
No