Hiraeth
I remember I had a friend Saira. Saira was beautiful, a little chubby. Her cheeks were squish-able. She used to love hugging me as her hobby. She was a bit stubborn regarding a lot of things, but I liked the way she was protective over me. I liked the way she used to make me feel comfortable regarding any conversation we could have made. I liked how she used to hear intently about the ways I think. I used to like how she used to try to please me as if I were some princess. I used to get pampered by her. She wasn't easy to understand, she was hard to love, and she was complicated in most of the cases that appeared to us. but I used to think she would never hurt me in any way. Even though her conflicted thoughts sometimes played with brain brainstrings until I cried. But I cared about her. a lot. She didn't know. But I did. I have always cared enough to know she will come back to me after every fight. She was also broken enough, but my depressive side couldn't handle her until I realized she was gone. I was so emotional at the scenes that little betrayals started feeling heavy on my chest. I used to be so sad after little fights. Her words eventually used to make me sad. One day, I learned from someone that the pictures I had sent her made her see I was a little scared. The pictures were of blood smeared on a tissue. I have had an allergy since childhood. Nose bleeding was normal for me, but that night, the blood wasn't stopping. You see, I wanted attention. Yeah, we all can say it that way. I wanted to be cared for, and I wanted her to worry. I don't know why, but I wanted it. I wanted her to worry about me just so I could see her feelings for me and haven't gone away completely. but the moment I saw the tissue pictures on someone else's chat box, seeing her making a lie of my story about herself, for what? For attention. I don't know if I have ever experienced that. but the betrayal was so hard that I felt all the feelings for her just left my body. She kept asking forgiveness, and I kept getting numb day by day. I stopped seeing her messages, but she was resilient. She wanted me to forgive her. which I did. Yes, I did. but I couldn't get myself to talk to her. I thought, what if the rest of the words are passed to someone, and I will never know she made a story of herself with it? I got scared. I had trusted Jessica, but what did she do? She broke my heart. How can I trust her now? I started thinking, was I bad luck? Maybe the more people I love, the more quickly people leave. I loved her. It was childish of us not to understand each other. but I was in love with her. She was so special of a friend to me that I could cry. Then, one day, I started talking to her, but I wasn't myself. I intentionally said something to hurt her, which she didn't deserve. Nobody deserves it. Sometimes, I didn't find myself talking to her nicely. I was numb to her, always blank with feelings and emotions. I thought I had already lost that part of my heart, which used to love her. Now I think I say to myself I don't love her. I do.
Maybe not like earlier. It's the love I have for her which means I will not be with her because it complicates my mind. After all, I get irritated with her presence more often, but I will always pray something good happens to her. I hope she doesn't think low of herself. Maybe this was bound to happen. the separation. But one thing I will ask her if I ever meet her while crossing our paths is why she unfriended me.
This thing hurt me the most. I cried for days, not knowing if I should go back to her or say something nice. But it wouldn't be me. I didn't have anything nice to say to her. My anger just dimmed my light, and I kept seeing it. she slipped away from my hands before I could grasp her. I don't miss her. it's nothing hard on my chest. Sometimes, the emptiness heaves inside, and I think about her.
Slipping away has so many ways. I saw people slipping away from my arms before I could beg for it to come back to me
I made mistakes. But do I regret it? no. I wasn't a perfect friend either, and somehow, I wanted the worst for them for many days. I wanted them to grieve, to go through what I did. I wanted them to understand my pain and regret it by thinking they were the ones who gave me this pain, which is the same as they are experiencing. I am no saint. I wanted bad things to happen to them as it did to me. I wanted them to go through the shattering, mind-numbing things I had to endure for them to call me strong. Yes, I was craving it. for someone to call me. I was too strong to handle all of these alone at one point. Everyone wants attention, but sometimes I just tiredly tell stories to friends with tears in my eyes. Sometimes, I wanted attention, but I didn't want to hear anything regarding acknowledgment of my sufferings, I just wanted to spill it because I wanted to be empty from the inside. Sometimes thoughts rumble against each other, and I stumble upon them.
I don't regret, whatever I did. I was so sure I didn't do that much to gain separation. And I didn't regret it. I can say to myself that I was a good friend or maybe I was the worst. I was different. I guess that's why friendships haven't touched me for so long. Abandonment isn't pretty. Loneliness isn't poetic. I felt I had no friends for so many times that I thought maybe I didn't deserve it. Maybe I wasn't normal, or maybe the things I considered were right for me to do were wrong. I doubted myself so many times. I never liked being alone. I am scared of the lone feelings. I cry so much for it to go away. Loneliness creates hopelessness, and hopelessness creates the possibility of death.
Suddenly, losing affection and warmth made me so cold that no blankets could do anything.
You know I wait for Saira, I wait for Jessica. I wait for Neil, I wait for Fati. These people made me so happy at one point that I lived those moments enough to remember it still now. The moments we live are the moments we remember.
"Hiraeth"
I noticed Javi's nudging to my shoulder. I got out of my trance and looked at him. We were sitting on a bench near a riverside. The riverside was abandoned by the concrete jungle people. People want to rush, nobody wants to sit and admire the calmness the waves of the river could bring. sitting here with Javi beside me, I feel calm. I don't remember me blanking out with my thoughts and completely blocking whatever Javi was saying. Javi was saying something about his childhood home, and their Christmas plans which always were successful, their New Year plans. My Javi also suffered a lot in different sectors but he was strong enough to get out of it. That's what I adore about him. His consistency in giving life a chance no matter how it failed him. I remember him telling me about his struggle to become a content writer, his lack of financial requirements, his lack of patience and always getting bullied by the higher-ups. That was the darkness that once consumed him but he got out of it. How can I?
"Tell me something nice"
He looked at me with his wide doe eyes. He is my dragonfly.
Javi is not a talkative person but tell him to say something about his interest and you will see him rant with those pouty lips for hours without getting tired. Usually, he is reserved, he also sometimes blanks out thinking about slipping into those deep memory lanes of his mind. He is also a thinker.
"When I was 10 years old, Dad bought me a bicycle. and there lived a boy next door whose dad was too poor to even afford it, so when I went to him to show him my bicycle. I insisted to him he could play with me, he could ride with me, But he kept shaking his head, he didn't look at it for the second time and looked down, I went to him and said he could play with it anytime he wants, but he felt ashamed I guess. he felt embarrassed I guess. he left me that day and I was all alone with a brand new Bicycle. I was his only friend at that time and vice versa. So the next day Dad bought him a bicycle too. but never said that he bought it. He just kept the bicycle tangled in front of their yard and in the morning he came outside and saw it. He thought his father bought it for him and Dad told me to never tell him that he bought it for him. He was so happy, that he knocked on my door every evening and we used to paddle to the Han River side. Dad said that when we do anything good, we shouldn't let those people know because then they will think we did some charity or out of pity. this was one of the nicest memories"
I smiled and kissed his forehead
"I am so proud of you Javi"
he frowned his eyebrows and said
"Why me? I didn't do anything for that kid"
I giggled and said
"You told him that he can use yours anytime without knowing your father can give him another. you wanted to make him cheer before anyone could ever. You are a good person"
he smiled and his ears turned red. Why is he so cute? The sky is clear today. It is almost evening but there is time for the sunset. We got up and started walking towards our home. He is wherever my home is. but there is still this homesickness which I can't decipher why it can't be vanished.
Why did I have to be a Gideon?
Suddenly a kid at the age of 13 or 14 came running to me asking
"You are Hiraeth right?"
I knelt feeling an unknown dread slipping through my veins
"Yes, how do you know me?" I asked softly
Javi was standing beside me smiling at the kid, caressing his hairs
"A few years ago I saw you with that man on TV. I don't remember his name but he was so handsome. You used to be his special friend right?"
thump thump thump
my heart reacted in a way I was stunned. Slowly, distress filled my lungs and I felt my limbs starting to shake from slow to fast, the speed was increasing so much that at one point I felt Javi holding my trembling body. I felt my breath was getting so slow that I couldn't breathe. I think my breath was getting sucked away from me and leaving me breathless. I laid on top of Javi's chest and he gently told the kid to leave. The kid got scared seeing me like this and left. thump thump thump, my heart was on fire, it was burning and I felt I couldn't inhale more of the smoke. I was feeling breathless. My legs shook so much that Javi was panicking about how to help me. I am sorry Javi.
I cradled Javi and tried my best to stop the thumping of my heart and the trembling of my feet. I slept in a blank space in his arms. never realizing there was a pair of eyes staring at me from afar.