Tristan
Loving her wasn't easy. Loving her was gut wrenching, it was soul crushing and at the same time getting ourselves drenched in icy cold water. loving her was like playing with fire but she wasn't the fire, she was the water, I was the fire. her earthy airy droplets used to slip through my flames and it used to make me cold enough to breathe. I had never felt this way and maybe that's why I had to vanish from her waves, she was making me drown in her and I didn't want that yet. I thought loving would make me lose my hard-earned career.
Her eyes were intimidating and I didn't know how to react to those, the definition I knew about love was nothing like what I had felt with her. I was getting these increased fears every second. I was getting this thrashing of desire igniting inside me to keep her to mine, I was getting this warmth inside and I didn't know how to stay warm because I have stayed cold my whole life. I couldn't control the urge of my protectiveness.
but at that point Loving meant leaving my other work patterns, and other scheduled opportunities, I thought loving her will distract me from my goals. I thought loving her will make me use my time less for my dreams. I thought loving is coming after my wishes. I was so obsessed with fulfilling my dream that I didn't realize I was living a little more with her, I was breathing a little better with her. Loving her was terrifying me. Loving her was making me feel uncomfortable because it increased so many wants in me that I felt I would lose all my interest from the rest of the world. I never realized she was my muse until she left.
I felt ugly, I felt ugly from inside. I started hating every ounce of skin. I started hating my existence, my eyes she used to stare oh so dearly, and I started loathing myself for letting her go. It was a regret which was pricking my skin, slicing it but blood wasn't getting out.
that day when I saw her kissing another man's forehead. I was shattered from inside. I felt something burning as if it would rip my skin out and I would be dead in a few seconds. Tonight when I saw her wailing, relying on that same man's shoulder as tightly as ever, I felt My entire being just collapsed without anyone pushing me. I felt like dying.
after she left I saw her in every girl I came across, I searched for her skin's warmth, I searched for her Venus's eyes in every other girl's eyes, I searched for her fragrance, I searcher for her breathing in every girl I went close to, I closed my eyes and she was there. I opened my eyes and she was there. She was everywhere. She was in thin air, she was in the droplets of rain, she was in the scorching heat, she was in the bone cracking winter air. she was curved in every thought of mine, she was sewed in every breath of mine. She was glued to my skin. she was everything, she was my everything and I loathe myself with my everything.
I knelt down when she left with that man, hugging him as if he was her home. I lost her. I lost everything. after she was gone I couldn't focus on my career either. her words echoed near me. her laughing stayed pressed against my ears, every night, I used to crave her arms wrapping against me, sheltering me from myself. She saved me from me. But what did I do? I lost her.
I am a singer, an idol. Loving isn't for us. When Hiraeth entered our label, she noticed everything, my one-night stands, my inhaling cocaine, my excessive intake of morphine because I needed my body to stay still, not jerk around, to not get anxiety out of nowhere between performances, to get my body worked out, to get my body warm. She experienced how fucked up my life was. How much I was dying but still she loved me until she couldn't. I don't blame her for running away because I did run away too.
Entertainment industry is ugly and loving an idol is more.