Hiraeth
3 YEARS AGO
Declan's sunshine Maya gave birth to an angel. Maira, Maira had amber hairs, and eyes so green that someone might think they were made of porcelain green glasses. Her eyes used to shimmer like bulb lights, her nose, her lips, and her eyebrows were just like Declan's. She was a little Declan and I could cry. Her hands were so little and her fingers were even tinier. Her skin was honey-glazed milky and so soft as cotton. The moment I carried her in my arms, I felt tears trickling down my face. She was a ball of sunshine, her hair was like her mom's, but the usual delicate way her mouth parted and eyes opened, I could feel she was a carbon copy of Declan.
How could I delineate my love for her huh?
Those emotions were creaking inside and weighing much more than mere ordinary words which were trying to escape through my lips but only silence was screaming. The clenching of my heart was noticeable when this feeling feathers away tinting my whole existence black. The ripping was continuous as her presence was like an addictive essence that just stayed till the next dawn. The reparation was immense as the peacefulness was unconditional when my eyes used to stare at hers, smiling ones. Something tingled whenever her presence came near me but yet my hands couldn't hold you. Maya never let me hold her. but one night, she was crying in her crib and Maya wasn't coming downstairs, so I held her in my arms for the first time after 6 months. She was so soft and tiny, that I felt if I moved a little harshly she would crumble down. She stopped crying in my arms as I felt her tiny fingers trying to clutch my shirt. I cooed and swayed her fluff body and she slept considering me as her home. There were no creases on her forehead. She was sleeping peacefully as if it was the most peaceful sleep she ever experienced besides her parents. Her existence vanished the moment I started to think, everything was real. Maya snatched her from me, giving me allegations of disturbing her sleep late at night just for my enjoyment. She also said I could never hold a baby perfectly because I never gave birth to one. Perhaps she was right. Perhaps I was inexperienced at holding her, but I realized she had felt serenity and calmness at least. Then again one day Maya wasn't home, and the maid couldn't stop her from crying. She was wailing wrenching my heart, I immediately carried her and saw the maid running with her phone pressed to her ear. I knew she was going to call Maya because she didn't want me to hold Maira. But I swayed her body in my arms, she was clutching to me so hard. I made funny faces as she started laughing. It was the most beautiful smile I ever witnessed. It was so pure and laced with innocence. Her giggles against my face just took my whole existence to another planet where people do fall in love with impossibilities. Her hitching breaths against my cheeks made me feel complete but incompleteness was dominating the whole situation. Words....how could I have described her in words? How can I narrate my feelings and disgrace them using mare quotes, poems, and songs? The glittering eyes glistened my whole self. My heart frightens whenever someone claims they love you more than me but do they? Do they love you like me? Huh? Love is silence but their intertwined souls scream louder than ever. We are intertwined but not united till...my existence was surviving because of that little one and yours by my prayers...
My words were sinking into a deep abyss....when my silence was screaming to the entire world, that she was mine, she was mine and she would be given to me for just a few minutes at least. My mere ordinary words weren't enough to describe the amount of heaviness my heart was increasing from the moment I started loving her. Just these words weren't enough to express the inexpressible emotions. My words weren't precious enough as my silence. That is why people think I don't love her anymore, but my love weighed more than my words...How my words are enough to narrate my unending love. My very first love was Maira. My silence was honoring my situation of love. Maybe not in person but her heart beats for me the way my heart beats for her, I know. Togetherness is not necessary for us to bind. I couldn't touch her but I still felt a sensation in my skin. Wasn't it magical?
Maya came and snatched the tiny ball of sunshine from me saying I was saying something absurd about Declan to her. I was looking at her in disbelief and she kept saying it with her horrendous screeching voice. I listened to her yelling and looking at me as if I was disgusting enough to touch Maira. I felt offended and hurt but no more hurt when Declan asked me if I was saying something bad about him to his 1-year-old baby girl. I scoffed. I was heartbroken enough at that point. My mind was too numb to react at that point. I felt someone just kept pinching me with a blade and kept stabbing it until I kept bleeding. My brother doesn't even believe me. How can he believe Maya's absurd accusations? A few tear drops fell from my eyes. I said I didn't but did he believe? No. I felt this was the moment I had to leave. So I left. with the stipend money from my new university which came from a scholarship and some clothes that weren't bought by Declan. I left at midnight. I took a train and changed my city.
If my grief was anything this easy to describe I would
I felt I just left my soul there where Maira is. Traumatised wasn't even a word to narrate what I felt. I felt empty from inside, I looked at my arms and saw no one clutching them tightly, and I felt cold from inside. I realized I would never feel those tiny warm bodies, a delicate soul whose eyes are doe, whose eyelashes are longer than usual, whose cheeks are like apples squashed, I will never see those doe eyes seeking serenity in my arms, I will never be able to be a home to her again. I felt thrashing pain as if someone was beating me to a pulp. I held my body in my arms, caging me for nights to just calm my raging pain slicing my inside inch by inch. I miss Maira. I miss her so much. My entire being just cried and cried and cried, until I felt I had no emotions left to feel.
The little noises she made when she wanted me to look at her silently, the little hand gestures which were to call for me will never happen again. I wanted to die. So much, my entire being used to collapse.
I went to a city where nobody knew me, I left my heart there. I loved Declan so much that sometimes I used to miss him more.
Nightmares were so frequent. I didn't sleep at night just because of the fear of experiencing something scary again
Sometimes life just bashes you in the heart and you feel a different feeling which you never felt in your life. so these new feelings kinda mess you up and you can't seem to handle it. That happened to me too. I don't know if my decisions were childish or brash but I don't regret it. I couldn't have suffered more, my respect was getting tarnished, and my self-loathing habit was on high. My insecurities peaked.
The scar was so bloody at one point that it didn't dry itself. It took years for me to stop crying every night. My heart was so sore I wished I was dead every single night. It was so painful I couldn't even write the whole feelings that I felt at that point.
Slipping away meant my world was snatched away from me and I saw it happening.
PRESENT
"Hiraeth"
Javi shook my shoulders and I got back to reality. A few tears smudged my eyeliner which I so wanted to make it perfect just for Javi, I wanted to save his reputation amongst so many famous personalities. I had promised Javi that I would come with him to this sculpture exhibition of an unknown sculptor they had to represent in Nicholas ' magazine, especially with the help of Javi. My dragonfly came a long way. I looked at him and he asked me if I was comfortable enough to be introduced to certain figures. I nodded and he took me looking forward to making me meet them,
I can't lose my posture, I can't lose this battle for Javi. I am wearing a green sequin dress with hair tousled and curled up on the edge, I have shimmers on my eyelids and a winged eyeliner of the tint green. minimal makeup for a glorious evening hosted by the head editor of the magazine Nicholas.
Javi stood In Front of a middle-aged man, his hands were on my hand and I could feel the rhythm of the comforting warmth radiating from him. He always wants me to be comfortable around people. The man turned and nodded, smiling cheekily, asking if I was his special one or not. Javi's ears turned red and he captured my waist pulling me closer to him. and I felt safe by this gesture. He nodded and said
"Meet my girlfriend Hiraeth"
I bowed out of respect and said I was grateful to meet him and then after knowing he was the CEO of the magazine. I said I was grateful again for allowing my Javi to prove himself and he wouldn't disappoint ever. There is unexpected happiness in calling him mine. I don't love him yet, that way, not yet. But he is my person. He has always been. This man has proved to be my biggest protection spell and a spellbinding companion. He is my person and always will be even if we don't end up together.
He then made me meet a few other chief executives and lastly Nicholas.
Nicholas asked,
"Hiraeth, I can't believe you agreed"
I laughed and let Javi pull me closer. His touches never made me feel uncomfortable. Rather the most caring ones. I looked at him from this close and his nose was almost touching me, we were that close. from this close, I can almost count his moles, his freckles, and his scars. how imperfect he is but I have never seen this much illusionary beauty. He was beautiful up close. I would always feel stuck up seeing him. if we lean our lips would mingle but we don't. We are not in that position in our bond. He respects my comfort. but his bold gestures make me feel special. His touch on my waist is warm and the rest of the talking Nicholas is doing is blurring as a background. I could see how his eyes glided through my lips to my eyes. there is no thumping in my heart. nothing. I wish I could dive in for a kiss he oh so wants. but I can't.
His breath fanned on my lips and I looked at how much he adored my efforts to at least try. I know he won't lean in to take my lips.
The grand chandelier up front of us is making those lights move straightly towards our direction and we feel like the most adored and brightened star in the dark sky. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling him closer, but there was this interruption from someone.
"Hiraeth, long time no see"
The girl's high-pitched voice pierced through my skin and I removed my hands from Javi's shoulder. I know he is disappointed. I looked at the girl. silky teal expenditure hairs falling from her face almost covering her ears. The wavy curls are falling from her forehead too. her blue eyes looked like raven spelled, her nose blaring in fumes I hadn't noticed yet, but now I do. her petite zero-figured body stood almost lowering her back like a model. She was just a showpiece. A showpiece who ruined my life like anything else. I felt my breaths getting heavier. 's hand was still on my waist which was much needed.
I felt dread slicing through my skin and it would start spilling soon on the marble floor of the exhibition. I don't want to ruin it for Javi. Please leave us alone.
thump thump thump
my heart is responding oh my god. He can't be here.
"After you had fled, I felt so sorry for you. I had to handle him from the cruel heartbreak you gave him. I had to take care of him. but by god's grace, he is happier with me"
I felt my insides churning, something burning and I am sure that my heart, I see red everywhere, my eyes are seeing black spots, red spots everywhere, and my hands started shaking already, shit. no no, please. My breaths are getting shorter, My breath is getting sucked out again as if I will be left with nothing, I will be a hollow vessel. my feet are giving up
Javi is holding my shoulder for support. I think I am gonna faint.
"how come you are here in this event, after disappearing for almost 3 years, for the first time you made an appearance at some event, and this event, how did you get the pass, I am sure you were banned from the industry after your break up with Tristan, are you using this guy too for popularity. I pity girls like you"
I almost collapsed and Javi held me glaring at her with all his might
"Listen, miss, just leave. you are not helping here" Javi said
she eyed Javi but kept continuing as if Javi was some background noise
"You cheated and created the scandal he was in for months, you should thank Tristan for not complaining about you to the police. You cheated"
her voice echoed and echoed
you cheated, you cheated, you cheated
I didn't I didn't I didn't
I looked around and saw cameramen flying toward me, surrounding me as if they had just seen a wounded animal who couldn't get up. Javi panicked and started pushing people but there were so many in numbers.
"How did they get inside?"
I heard Javi's faint voice. I think I am gonna lose my consciousness. I can't. My brain will collapse. My fears will creep me out. I see Nicholas running towards me pushing the paparazzi. they are inside that means he is too. I can't see him, I can't...
"Javi took me home. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him like a koala. He nodded, kissing my head, whispering sweet nothings. I am so scared. I can't see Tristan. My entire being will return to the darkness. I need to be with Javi. Please Javi save me.
Javi pushed them with all his might and pushed us through the crowd. amidst the crowd. I saw him
THUMP THUMP THUMP
A pair of sun eyes looked at me as if I was the only thing he ever saw this much broken. I heaved up and my chest puffed up and down. I will surely die by feeling so much. After 3 years I am full to the brim just by seeing those eyes. His sun eyes are so beautiful still but never shining like a sun. his lights are nowhere. Where are the sun's rays? Why is he dead like me? Why are his eyes dead? I kept hugging Javi and stared at him until I was near the exit door. My eyes brimmed with tears and I wailed like a maniac saying
"Javi I AM SCARED, Javi I AM SCARED. PLEASE SAVE ME. PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME"
Javi got out of the venue as soon as possible. I saw the blue-eyed girl glued to Tristan. Tristan's posture wasn't recognizable because my eyes never left him and he never left mine. He was my home, and what happened to Tristan? why am I crying now because of you huh
I closed my eyes and kept hugging Javi until we reached his car.
"I am sorry I ruined your interview, I am so sorry for ruining this Javi"
his lips so forcefully landed on my forehead as if to make me sure of his intentions which are always for my benefit
he whispered and said,
"Nobody is important but you, only you. let's go home"
I nodded and he drove us home. But I couldn't call it home now. There was already a crack. A crack being those sun eyes. I am sorry Javi