Hiraeth
15 February 2022
Dear Sun,
I hate winters; Nature in winter is a time of struggle and beauty. Winter signals the end of a long productive year. Plants shut down. Making food, animals migrate to warmer climates and humans snuggle up and stay indoors. Yes, I copied a paragraph. I never loved winters, I think winters are raw, rude, and rough, like the emptiness when your best friend leaves you, like the numbness when your expectations fall, like the disappointment when you try your level best but fail to accomplish happiness, like the heaviness when your thoughts collide against each other, like the sadness that comes after, it got a snatching power and I fear winter for the sole reason, I fear winter, I despise winter because of the craving of finding a blanket to warm me, to cover me, to hide me. but you loved winter and I could tell why, maybe the snow I thought tears were flowers for you, the emptiness was fluffiness' for you, the numbness was enthusiasm for you, the coldness was not rude to you, it was just like a serene breeze of happiness to you, the dryness wasn't in your throat like mine but the filled up to the bream feeling after having water to your quench your thirst. I admire it. not the winter, but you in the winters, how much your eyes dilate, and your pupils quiver standing under the snowfall. You know what love is standing between all of the things you ever despised in your life but realizing you can bear it. You can bear it just because even after experiencing a messy world, a sweaty and gross incident you would still stand frozen just because your heart will explode. What is the bigger feeling? Hatred or love. Love yes love. I sound cheesy. But it is what it is. What does your entire being want? Standing in between all the craziness you never loved or standing just because of that someone despite all these. I realized that very winter evening under the snowstorm that yes, I had fallen for the man being surrounded by everything I never liked. I loved you more than anything else. I was enchanted not by the winters but by the man standing in the winter. You.
Yours Sunflower
24 February 2022
Dear Sun,
You know, sometimes I think, what if you fall out of love, is it possible? I don't know, maybe. What if I gradually see your hold on me is getting lighter, what if suddenly one day your eyes don't glisten in Uttar dizziness whenever I walk in the room, what if suddenly you aren't embracing me goodbyes, what if suddenly your cuddles are less warm, what if you gradually slip away from my affection, what if I become someone off limit for you, what if your concern filled eyes are filled with nonchalance instead? What if your words aren't filled with enthusiasm but boredom? What if you smile rarely with me but others, what if I am never the person you search for in a room filled with people to seek comfort and solace? What if you don't crave my hugs anymore, what if I can't erase your sadness anymore, what if the grief is because of me? What if you get irritated by me and accuse me of being clingy? What if my appearance doesn't appeal to you anymore? What if your tears are because of me? What if you feel null and void while being with me instead of warmth and care? What if you gradually feel it's not worthy anymore? What if the promises you made to your heart are breaking, breaking you and breaking me? What if you find someone else's solace more convenient than mine? What if someone else's stare makes you blush instead of mine? What if someone else's laughter makes your days brighter and someone else's embrace makes your nights more comfortable?
If ever something like this happens and your feelings collide, when you seem to start, consider the feelings. right then you have to tell me.
I would leave; I am not the girl to become a rebel after bearing heartbreak. This is not me...I would leave you with much calmness outside and a storm inside, I will still look at you just the same way I always did, just the same way my heart will flutter, just the same way my eyes will tear up seeing you so much happy, just the same way I would feel giddy whenever I see you. I would crave you just the same way, your embraces, your cuddles, your warm cocoon. I would look at you with that same unconditional love I have for you, and I always have. I always have...but the difference would be, my excitement, my curiosity, my gentle care, my concern, my wishes, my urge for protection, and my love wouldn't reflect in your eyes as always. I will open my arms and embrace the separation, just the way I would have embraced your love. my heart has always been yours to break and if you do it. I would gladly accept the misery. I will always open these arms thinking what if you come back? You know I think if you ever left me, you would come back home one day, embracing me and saying, "It was a long tiring day honey, I missed you" I love you so much.
Yours Sunflower
3 March, 2022
Dear Sun
"I am whatever you are convinced with, I am a fading smoke, I am a broken starlet, I am the rapid wind before the rain, I am the rainbow after the rain, I am the winter before the spring, I am the bud before blooming...I am a Sunflower to the Sun. I am whatever you consider me to be because in all these cases I am with you. In every form, I am with you, in you, and for you. It doesn't matter if I exist or not."
Yours Sunflower
14 March 2022
Dear Sun,
I kept looking at you and my eyes brimmed with tears, eventually falling in a slow motion drenching my cheeks, you kept staring at me, my lips quivered and I consequently kept biting the lips to prevent myself from wailing as loud as ever. My tears kept falling at a rapid speed afterward and I broke eye contact, and soon your expressions cracked from a cold one to a pitiful maybe, tears, tears and tears everywhere...pale cold skin against each other, seeking each other's warmth, craving embraces and eventually we went for it and hugged. We hugged and hugged and hugged until we couldn't breathe until we stopped crying
Yours Sunflower
23 March, 2022
Dear Sun
I fell in love with a boy
A boy with the sun in his eyes
A boy with fire-flame wings
A boy from who the sunshine radiates in the darkroom
I fell in love with a boy
A sun-eyed boy
A yellow feathered wing carrier
A boy whose presence makes the stars glisten more in gratitude
A boy whose stars are different
I fell in love with a boy
Who thinks stars will fall for us two
I fell in love with a boy
Whose hands are warm and sweaty
I fell in love with a boy whose hugs are the softest
I fell in love with a boy who had a gentle giant heart but the weakest one
I fell in love with a boy who speaks in a whisper
I fell in love with a boy whose eyes peaked curiously every time
I fell in love with a boy who shines the brightest in pink
Yes pink
I fell in love with a boy who is so much delicate in masculinity
I fell in love with the boy who is the strongest when it comes to battle against the evils
I fell in love with an artist, a muse, a lyric and a melody
I fell in love with his rectangular curved smiles
The frowns on his forehead and
The moles peaking through his neck
I fell in love with a boy
A boy who has sun in his eyes
Lined with moles
I fell in love with a boy who has cupid lips
Lined with moles
A pointed nose and a mole on the bridge
Pudgy cheeks and a mole decorating it
I am in love with a boy who is marked with loads of moles and sun rays emit from his eyes
Yes You my love
Yours Sunflower
26 March 2022
Dear Sun,
Your face was against mine; your eyes were fluttering, constantly looking between my tired soulless eyes and my bitten lips. Your cheeks were beaming with blush and an extra amount of red tint spreading through your cheeks to Your ears was making me bite my lips more, your lips were quivering and almost revealing that tantalizing smile...I giggled making you chuckle in your drunk state. under the scorching heat near the beach of Mexico, surrounded by most of the naked delicacies preferred as women, but your eyes were finding me everywhere, wandering around my face, tracing lines on every edge of my face and finally admiring each of the ounces, drinking in my not that delicate face with your eyes. My whole self was covered with clothes, but still, you looked at me as if I was exposed bare in front of your judging eyes. Sweaty fingers intertwined with mine, almost slipping in the process. Our hearts were racing, not almost exhilarating at a speed where it is not even a marathon. My fingers almost itch to ruffle your hair...a tear dripping low from my one eye as more fell, my fingers left your tight grip, as it slowly started tracing your skin on the arm. Every pore I touched as if I was afraid to break you as if I was afraid to harm you with my touch. Tears kept falling...your eyes were looking at me as mine were passionately looking back...my fingers reached your cheeks as you leaned with my touch. You closed your eyes and I felt my forehead touching yours, breathings were amalgamating so smoothly that even we were considering if we were breathing each other or inhaling air from the environment. My fingers settled themselves on your neck as you felt ticklish of my serene touches, you giggled and I felt this is it. I am full to the brim, I am filled with everything inside me and now the earth can swallow me because I have no necessity in this universe anymore. I have got everything that my lungs were feeling so limitless in the scenario of getting full of something else instead of air. I felt breathless or I was feeling someone just sucked out some of the air and filled yours with mine... I closed my eyes asking the planet to just make me vanish in your arms and never to let me open my eyes ever again. There is a thin line between dying and living and I was standing on a bridge right on the edge where it might be going to die. You opened your eyes and I felt I stopped and the bridge burnt. Scarlet chained stars were decorated inside and it felt like melting and I realized you teared up. Your lips unconsciously rested on mine but never moved. This was your habit. you would seek comfort by resting your lips on mine just to believe I was real. Was I? Yes. To you I was. For you. I am. I am always real for you. In every form. I am real. In every state I am real. I am real because you believe and I love your beliefs.
I love you
Yours Sunflower
30 March, 2022
Dear Sun,
I remember seeing you for that time, getting out of a car, all decked up, adored in a black Versace belt with a velvet black shirt tucked in and formal pants underneath. I remember you wearing a shimmery blazer on a road in Paris. It felt like descending to another world of myths. The myth of beauty, the myth of believing it, the myth of staring at it, the myth of living between deaths. When I saw you I was on the bridge of death and life, the bridge was so thin, I easily thought death will seize me by sucking my soul out of my body and leave me haze and fade, I also thought, life just got knocked out as my heartbeats never eased, I thought the myth of urge and desperateness was never truly a myth. The finest urge to see you as long as the creator let me breathe was so overwhelming. But I thought of living as well. I thought of life which was the other side of death. I thought, some stranger's soul just got stitched to mine and I felt heavy, I felt full to the brim. I felt frozen and extremely cold. A terror entered my mind just by thinking I never felt that way. Like any human would be terrified to explore new kinds of changes in their bodies. I felt sick. I felt sick to the pit. The feeling was so quickly spreading inside me that I couldn't get hold of myself. I was trembling in fear thinking what was happening to me. It's not the first time my eyes saw you, my eyes saw you earlier too, but that day I was swamped. I was bashed; I felt I was pushed to the near edge of a mountain. The moment you smiled, desires never knew they could be this much uplifted in my body. my feelings were so heavy and hearty. I was crying at one point. Not in terror. But I was feeling weird. There was this sudden wish, sudden unconditional desire, there were these extreme dreams, and there was this new hope infiltrated in me. I was more than welcome.
Maybe it was first love, not love at first sight. I was feeling as if I was struck, like hit by a car. With so much strength I had fallen.
First love it was. Still makes me shiver in the pit. You made me shiver without even touching my shadow. It never was butterflies; it was like the aftermath of the rains. The sudden shivering bone-cracking cold breeze brushes against our arms and makes us shiver in the utter cold. Sometimes we feel cold more than the winter can make us feel.
People say that love is the rapid raw winds blowing that contain plant essence. For me, love is the rain. That's why we love the early breeze, the early wind because we are excited by the rain, of the water droplets. For me, you were the rain and you were also the after coldness. Utter coldness which was making me shiver. There was nothing uncomfortable in shivering like we naturally feel. You are my first love.
You are warmth, a blanket, and a drape, providing me warmth by covering my scars, not the beauty I show to the earth. I loved you so much. I love you, not the same anymore. Maybe 5 times more or maybe 5 thousand times more.
Yours Sunflower
4 April, 2022
Dear Sun,
My lips smiled unintentionally seeing you feeding the pigeons smiling huge as if your temporary dimples were created by how wide the grin was. As if a wave of freshness and foreign feeling rippled inside my heart. I guess a bunch of gushiness was being portrayed by my tired hazel eyes. Your chestnut eyes were glistening with admiration and innocence. Every ounce of my inside bubbled up. I felt some new feelings, what are these feelings? I couldn't identify but these feelings were dominating the other ones. As if a kind of immense happiness slipped through my saddened cells. Your fingers were making little fists. Your buff shoulders were bending more to acquaintance the pigeons. Your silent screeches of happiness were something I had noticed for the fifteenth time. Your chestnut eyes glinted sunshine and spread the rays for the whole world to shine. How can someone be so beautiful? Your lips curved into different shapes of laughter, Your tongue slipped into your upper lips to wet it. Everything is so much laced with delicacy and glazed with warmth. You were the ball of affection that I was seeking. Does falling in love have new ways? Because I had discovered a new way of falling in love. Such an instant rush of dizziness and blush was spreading on my cheeks and making me undeniably comfortable. Just by looking at you, my chest kept falling and rising and uncontrollably beating at the same time. What is it huh? Wasn't I in love or the love at first sight happened to me after a lot of first encounters? My lips were smiling wide now, a few moments earlier I was showered with dreadful thoughts but suddenly a sudden slap of comfort came to my whole existence and made my pains vanish for a little while. My feet took me to you as I crashed with you. Our faces were bursting with redness and getting hot as the moment passed. Your wide inaudible grasps were leaving me a giggling mess. Why was I so happy all of a sudden huh?
Sometimes it is so incredible to realize the person you longed to see in time just exactly wanted to see you for these years. My yearning eyes finally realized that you were in front of me, some tears of overwhelm fell from my eyes as I bit my lips with my front teeth. My incredibly tired and filled with anxious heart just experienced love after ages. I grabbed your neck with my arms and clung onto you more. you giggled but with no sound. That giggle was the loudest sound my heart had ever heard. my lips traced your forehead lightly, almost teasing your skin. You bit your lips and couldn't handle your own racing heart. A teardrop fell from the corner of your eye. Your lips kissed a chaste kiss on my right cheek. I squinted my eyes closed and chuckled afterward. Both were a blushing mess as the people were admiring the little couple here. I attached my forehead to yours as I relished your breaths. I felt alive. I felt I needed this. How can I be so lucky? Suddenly it's only you and me in this world. my eyes were staring shamelessly without blinking at your face. You gulped hard. Your nose bridge brushed against mine harshly as I laughed. I could guess you were on the ninth cloud.
Your lips were trailing on the corner of my lips, teasing my every ounce. You bit your lips to stop trembling in nervousness.
You carried me holding my hip. Our hairs tangled up as our lips, very softly. I was in heaven by then. Melting our layers as slowly and softly as possible. Loving you is the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. I never regret choosing you all over again. you are more expressive when you are with me, just like that time. My sorrows bring the most precious emotions that I never discovered I had. Our lips were incredibly messily trying to kiss but failing miserably as both of us were laughing our hearts out. What if it's an imperfect kiss, it's a perfect love right?
"I love you"
The word escaped my mouth and I still remember you. I could feel the warmth spreading across your cheeks. I blushed and looked down and then again looked back at you to your magical eyes. My nose brushed against yours as I giggled silently. You also smiled, biting his lips making them bright red and swollen already. Our lips were brushing against each other but not attaching yet there was this spark igniting among us which was beyond description.
Yours Sunflower
14 April, 2022
Dear Sun,
"Don't move"
"But-"
I didn't let you finish, as I pulled the curtains, lighting the room dark as the shadows of black scattered around. You were sitting on the bed, now completely covered in darkness and the emptiness of the shadows. I ran and lit some candles, the aromatic candles spreading their citric scents, filling both our nostrils. I lit candles in every corner of our bedroom. Suddenly the spark of those candles' flames, tilted their heads towards you, making you look like a fire caught moth, or a fire flamed scarlet, or a wildfire. As if those blazes were spreading their wings and inserting them into you and you were bursting into a spark but without getting bruised an ounce. The fire couldn't tarnish your existence, it didn't vanish your soul, it worshiped your skin as if they were made to do it. the flames caressed your skin, they touched you, just the way I desired to. I looked at your face and the world seemed to be less living compared to you, you were playing with fire. You were fire's most lustful wish. The way those flames were reflected on your eyes, the way they scarred your cheeks, and lightened your cheekbones, the way your hairs were blazed in red, I felt breathless. You were looking flaring by those flames. As if a swan caught on fire and could spread its feathery wings, the wings were on fire but those flames never touched you. A white blazing swan on my bed. I could never deserve this. a while later I felt the sun had given his presence in my room.
The lights lingered on your collarbones, neck, and behind your ear, making me warm from the inside.
Your eyes looked at me. I felt I would burn. I will be ruined if those flaring gazes stay at me. You were like a black hole and I was falling deeper and deeper without finding my destination.
You looked at me curiously; my eyes roamed your whole body, lining every ounce as if my fingers were doing it. I captured every feature with my eyes just the way my fingers would do. Your eyes were dark and deep. Mine were hypnotized, I couldn't decipher the simple meaning of breathing and living. I felt like I was dead.
I sat in front of the canvas and my finger wandered around the painting palate. The colors smeared on my palms and I touched the canvas as I wanted to touch you. I couldn't control those desperate hands of mine, being obsessed with touching every detail in the picture. The shadows were chaining around me for me to stop. I didn't stop, I painted you with dark eyes and a crushing heart. My eyes were still on you, never leaving the blazing swan in front of me. Your white shirt was loosened enough to show the bare beauty. I was in complete pleasure. I was in complete satisfaction to watch the bare beauty in front of my eyes. I felt shivering badly just by staring at you. Your hair was ruffled. I painted your hair yellow and black on the canvas, I painted your face with shades of brown and your eyes lilac, smearing my palms over it again and again, I couldn't resist painting your lips as red as ever. I painted you as if I was creating you. As if I was designing you as my human. I painted you as my muse, as the soul which caught the fire. I painted blazes surrounding you just the way you were looking that night. As if I was going to jump on the fire pit any moment. As if I was giving birth to a human I am about to surrender my life. My chest tightened. I painted your neck hazel green, I painted your collarbones hazy purple. I painted you and kept brushing my palms until I got the perfect you. my fingers ached to touch you. The fire flames were dimming but you were blazing like a fire on its own. As if you were the source of fire, I want to burn myself.
I ran towards you scattering the color bottles on the floor and leaving the canvas to dry on its own on the floor, the wooden stand fell on the ground with a thud as you engulfed me. As the colors of my fingers were blanketed on your neck. Our lips met and I burnt myself. You lay on the bed and I covered you in me, caging the swan of mine from the world. I was so selfish to capture everything for you, to make me feel like a satisfied animal after grasping its prey. I didn't leave you that night for a second; I kept holding you, kept relishing you, kept cherishing you. I fulfilled my ever-increasing desires and I marked you with the leftover colors of my hand. I didn't want to break you; I wanted myself to break you. In the end, our lips were painted red, and our hands were scattered in each other's presence. By the time the sun rose, we were both on fire, just like a sun and its sunflower on a bright sunny day.
Yours Sunflower
26 April, 2022
Dear Sun,
The pashmina threads weaved new dreams, raw wind, and raw smoke dissolving into thin swings as new raw sunshine seeped into our window. Your frozen fingers draw little hearts on my bare stomach, I arch my back feeling the new tingles where new sensations are getting born every moment. I opened my eyelids only to discover the newest secrets of your breaths beating mine so swiftly that it left me breathless. Soon my eyes filled with your vision as I felt a wave of utopia crushed against my gut. Curtains were covering us and within a second our shadows were dancing, I heard your shadow whisper in my ears, I would walk with you, I would keep walking.
We are both dewdrops of the new winter brushing against each other on the branch of the tree, opening into each other's arms in dreams and embracing each other carefree in our dreams. Our thoughts are twirling in between our silence. Our breaths intertwine so toxically that if we fall apart we would be breathless. But your shadow secured me in your arms saying, I am here, I will be here with you.
When the flower buds were changing their moods, we made love under the sunlight. I saw the most vulnerable you and still, I felt I fell in love with you harder. You saw my bruises yet you loved me harder.
I smelt you, and you smelt like me....your eyes reflected my eyes, glowing with new emotions that I am yet to discover...your fingers weren't dominant but in need today and your arms were asking safely instead of providing...
My arms built a wall surrounding you, hiding you from the reality the shadows were trying to show. I covered you in me. I made you dissolve in me. We made love again under the warmth of the sunlight basking our bodies...you loved me harder and harder that I forgot my existence. I forgot myself; I forgot my purpose to do anything else but to stay in your arms like this forever. I loved you so much then because you made me feel worth it. at the end you whispered in my ears in a tiring way, I love you so fucking much, you are so freaking beautiful that I can't even start to describe.
Yours Sunflower