Hiraeth
A few tears fell from my eyes and I felt a thin cut sliced through my skin and blood drops fell. I heard the doorbell and wiped my eyes and put a cloth on my wrist so that nobody knew I tried again. I ran towards the door thinking it might be the mailman. I saw Javi. My star-eyed boy once again saw me dying. He looked at me frowning and I could cry for always hurting him by hurting myself. There is some familiarity in him that I can never remember from the past. But I think I have known him for years, how can I read him so openly, have I loved him earlier or is it just my desire to fall in love before dying is getting out of hand? Was my book the story of ours? Or I never wrote my real love story? But I am dead already from inside and he is alive. How can I write a story where one is dead and one is alive?
I kept looking at him as he hurriedly snatched my hands only for the cloth to fall revealing the big half-messy cut mark on my slit and I could see blood pooling over his palms easily. Why does he always come when I am in these kinds of situations? I frowned. I could see the star eyes from the pale sunset peeking through my windows on both sides. The curtains flare and overshadow the stale sun rays which are attracted to him. as if they are lured by his aura, as if they know where to fall over to make it beautiful.
"why?"
This time his remark is not gentler, he is aggressive with a hint of protectiveness. I could feel his worries just by seeing his chest heaving up and down. I looked down as I felt my eyes tearing up. I have never cried in front of anyone after those incidents other than him. But why do I feel like I could cry in his arms again and every time and he would never defend the things I faced like others? I wasn't supposed to be alive but he is making me. my heart still doesn't race but the prickling has increased in an amount I can't assume. I can feel the warmth spreading my insides slowly by his touch on my wrist. His hold is tighter. His eyes are dark and deep but laced with extreme fear and concern. As if I would vanish into thin air and he wouldn't be able to grasp it. I realized his breath hitched when I went close to him as if he was familiar with it. But I am not, but I can guess I was at one point in another universe. I don't remember about this one but I can tell he and I were soulmates in another universe and we let each other see our scars and let each other heal them and we were best friends afterwards, happy and eventually in love. I can sense the familiarity but I am not sure the familiarity came from this universe.
I felt these oddly familiar hands touch me that day too when I was burning myself. I can sense the difference between Declan and Javi's touch. Declan's touch had the warmth but just for the sake of it. He wasn't willing to be warm with me. He just needed to I guess. But Javi's touches are so warm that it burns, and it is completely without his knowledge. I can feel it.
Sometimes Javi feels unreal, an angel that isn't from this earth. Sometimes Javi feels like a messiah from a different planet or came from the afterworld to this world to see if something or someone is alright or not. He only appears when I am in danger. Or putting an end to the danger. Why is it?
He sits on the side of the bed which I always leave empty while sleeping as if knowing where he would fit from the very first. He opens a drawer leaving my wrist and suddenly I feel cold all over without his touch. He pulls out the first aid box as if he knew from the very first where it was placed.
I think some of my memories faded but how?
Are you sure Hiraeth? Did you forget your sun-eyed boy?
stop it, I said to myself
I won't dwell on It further. I let Javi wipe off the blood oozing out and put ointment on the skin. The skin became rough because I tried cutting it so many times so the scars have sagged. I don't feel anything but I feel tears falling as Javi keeps healing my wound. He wrapped it by hand with a band-aid and I rested my head on his shoulder closed my eyes and let the tears fall.
I tightly closed my eyes and my hands gripped his hands as tightly as possible. There is a sudden relief whenever I see him or be with him. As if I need not think about how things aren't in place as they were supposed to be. I try to push the thoughts away because I think if I keep thinking Javi will vanish, just like Tristan. I am a destroyer. I don't think Javi is real. But I want to hold onto it. I want to hold him until I can't. I don't know if he will vanish or not. I don't know if he is alive or an angel but I want him to stay with me. hold me.
I felt him laying me on the bed and gently spooning me from behind. I felt him kissing my forehead and I felt so warm in his cocoon as I fell asleep slowly.
"Hiraeth?"
"Hmm"
"Tell me a story"
I smiled and looked at him, getting up, resting my elbows on his chest and I hovered above him
"Mr. Javi My stories are all sad "I tried to smile teasingly, but didn't. My smiles are always sad, and now he is too.
He caressed my cheeks intently and looked at me with his deep eyes. After his father's death, his features became dull, his reactions were slow, and almost nowhere to escape.
"I want to hear it, I want to hear something more sad to cut my sadness" The corner of his eyes was red.
I kissed his forehead, he was warm against me. How shattered are we right?
"I still remember our teacher in high school making us understand what a bad touch was. I attentively listened to her because I thought it might be one of the most horrific experiences for one forever. I sensed deep fear crawling under my skin whenever she told us about the feral danger. I shivered every time she told me that someone's touch would be never comforting but venomous. I prayed to god that I would ever experience it. but did ever god listen to me?"
I rested my head on my chest and heard his irregular heartbeats, his fingers still interlaced with my hair. Combing as slowly as ever.
"4 years ago when granny died, I had gone to the funeral along with Declan and his sunshine and also with David. I stood there in front of the casket as tears smeared my face, I got drenched in my tears, I never knew that granny could die on me. I used to visit her because Declan's ignorance would loom on me that I couldn't take it, I used to visit her whenever Declan's sunshine wanted to make me feel inferior by her words which used to be so sugar-coated in front of Declan, and Declan would blindly believe her not me. I used to cry on her lap while she braided my hair. She radiated so much warmth that I always wanted to be with her, stay with her. but she was a pancreatic cancer patient and I couldn't blame my fate anymore for being so cruel to me. That was the first time I saw someone die in front of me. but when I saw her body limp just after her swift little breath, I felt her soul sucked from her body but she didn't feel pain, she calmly descended to heaven as if she was satisfied with her death as if she had got everything she needed from the earth and she doesn't need it now. Then I wondered why I couldn't leave. Why am I needed and what do I need to still be alive?"
He kissed my hair and I smiled sadly. Please Javi, don't be sad. I said in my mind. The death of his father sucked his soul out.
"I saw David talking to some of our relatives and then a sudden arm landed on my arms dragging me to hug that person so hard that when I landed on his chest I shivered with fear and self-consciousness. I saw David watching it with the person straddling me between his arms' father. They smiled and tried to push out of defense but that person just kept hugging me, I felt my insides would churn soon by utter fear. Eventually, the person holding me, his father separated us and I breathed and backed out a few more steps than I should have. I saw David laughing with the father of the guy. I looked at the guy and realized he was Arex, he was autistic. He used to love me, but now this love isn't describable to me either, I have always been his sought-after whenever I went to their house to play with his little sister, Ava. Ava is 2 years younger than me. Alex's eyes always looked at me as if I was a friend he never had but he craved someone's comfort. I used to give him all my attention whenever I went to his house, but after my teacher told us about bad touch, I couldn't help but doubt if his touch was only out of innocently craving a friend's presence or something else. I couldn't help but shiver. He was autistic so his parents never really cared about his actions thinking all of these were out of naivety. They thought that all of his actions were all because of his not understanding most of the things and being slow to processing things. I almost forgot about him when we left the city because of David's soccer matches. But here he was still processing about me which somewhat made me uncomfortable. Hiding behind a mask of innocence, he was trying to do something else. Then I excused myself without greeting his father Jonny. Johnny is a great guy, he really adores me and with his half beard and green eyes, he is one of the most handsome uncles I ever got and he is very gentle towards me also. Then time went"
Javi's grip around my waist got tighter, I could feel him shiver against my skin. He became cold all of a sudden.
"I was sitting beside Declan's wife. Sunshine. I call her Sunshine but her name isn't Sunshine. It is Maya Macaron. Maya was scrolling through her phone and was already bored sitting through the whole ceremony when she didn't have any feelings for Granny. But she acted in front of Declan that she was really upset hearing the news. Sunshine wasn't noticing me until awfully ugly familiar hands landed again on my arms and I almost had forgotten Arex had left after the condolences. We were at our granny's old house where our mom grew up. But he hadn't left. I felt him pulling me up from my chair and dragging me somewhere. I told him verbally to talk in front of everyone but he wasn't listening to me. I got scared and saw David talking to his father again on the corner of the path from where Arex was dragging me. Arex was older than me and had long jet-black hair and muscular arms, he had innocent brown hazel eyes and was almost bambi. If anyone sees him, nobody can tell him he isn't an innocent kid and sick. But he wasn't sick, I felt it, the way his hands held me as if I was his prey as if he had the authority to hold me. I got scared. creeps pooled around my stomach pit and I almost felt like throwing up. I tried pushing his hands out of his wrists but his grip became stronger. I gestured to David and he saw me, but he didn't do anything, where is my overprotective David? I asked myself, seeing him being nonchalant to me being dragged by a monster. I don't even know when I started crying but when I got my senses back to just shout out everyone's name I was already inside the room. Arex pushed me on the wall, his hazel bambi eyes became the eyes of a prey. I felt shattering inside. I feel that at any moment I will experience a bad touch. His veiny hands landed on my breast, and I felt myself choking on grief and utter dread. I felt myself being dirty, I felt myself trembling, I felt myself trying to push his arms until my arms gave up from his harder grip. I felt his hands on my waist but I struggled to move as much as I could to make me survive, to keep myself safe and not harmed. I got so scared I cried harder banging the back of my head on the door for someone to listen. I felt breathless and slowly slowly lost consciousness just by these touches. I cried so hard, that I almost yelled and tried pushing him. but my high school arms gave up and I felt his hairs which were buried inside my neck just trickled away and I landed on the floor with a thud. He didn't undress me yet, he didn't touch the areas which are very private on the lower. But I felt corrupted, I felt someone just gained me as their doll, as if I was metal and they were caressing it. His touches were echoing on every pore in my body's every pore. I felt numb and I blacked out."
He got up, jerking both of our attached bodies. He looked terrified as if I was living my story in real life. He got scared for me. I kissed his lips softly as he sighed against me.
"I opened my eyes when I was in Declan's arms. I saw Declan's teary eyes full of concern and worry. I felt like maybe this incident got my brother back. I hugged Declan and cried until my lungs were dry. I hugged him as tight as ever as if I left him I would be talking to that darkest corner of my mind where all the touches are imprinted on me. I latched onto him as if my life was dependent on him. Declan is my home and I can never leave him, I thought in my mind, his touches gave me comfort which I needed. He kept holding me; he kept caressing my hair whispering sweet nothings. I felt like I returned home after a decade. Declan never talked to me after Sunshine came home. I looked at the corner standing David, tears falling one by one on his cheeks and the look of regret was enough for me to hate him even more.
Honestly, I didn't hate David at that time too, but I can never love him and even look at him after all of these things. I can never look at him and not remember what happened to me. My body was still trembling as Declan carried me from this room to our late granny's room. I looked at the ceiling and thought that this house would never be the same. This house will always haunt me. all the good memories are replaced by bad memories now. I cried again so loudly that Declan banged the door which I told them to close after leaving me here. I lost my brother, I cried because I lost my brother David. I cried because the touches were still there, I cried because I still could feel someone groping my breast without my consent. I wailed and wailed. I shivered and thought of never talking to David again. I can never forgive him. Never."
He captured me swung my petite body and made me sit on his lap. I smiled seeing him getting so protective. Oh Javi, if I found you earlier love.
"The David who never could see a scratch on my body will always make me remember that because of him, I was touched which cut through more than a simple scratch could ever do to me.
I wasn't raped, but I was touched badly, I was abused and it was without my consent and I will always remember it. Painful memories are my partner now.
They never reported about Arex, when I looked at Declan, he looked down and said
"He is autistic"
Suddenly I felt like my world was crashing down upon me. the Declan I had felt returned to me, never did. I never returned home. It was all an act. My brothers never cared about me.
Before we left the house, Jonny came one day and knelt in front of me, begging me to not report his son. I looked at Declan and David. They were unmoved. they weren't reacting to my sore red eyes. I took a deep breath and left them to deal with it alone. I went to the car because I was still in high school and nowhere to live. I was dependent on them. I couldn't run away. I cried on my way back to our house knowing I lost my two brothers and my sanity. I was dead already."
He kissed my forehead as he hugged me from behind, he kissed my cheeks and buried his face in my neck, breathing irregularly.
"Javi, I am fine now. Look at me, I am with you, I am fine.."
He nodded and I closed my eyes, laying the back of my head on his chest, which was by now drumming, how his heart expresses so many things, so why can't mine?