Hiraeth
5 January 2022
Dear Sun
You remember that night when we were tangled up in your bed, your icy cold sweaty palms gliding down my hair, untangling the knots, your eyes becoming soft and your middle inch of the eye border slightly tugged upwards and your eyes glistened. Your eyes were glorified with numerous shades of our lampshade resting behind my back being the only source of light in the whole room. Your forehead was touching mine as I bit my lips feeling the coldness in my warm skin. My arms were tracing your bones in your back. Suddenly you asked me to get up in a whisper which cascaded so much inside my heart that I felt I could never handle the speed limit of the beats. Your bread cheeks were puffing so high that it almost touched your lips. So adorable that I thought my grieving heart would soon burst. You said you wanna dance. Probably the silliest thing I ever heard in the middle of a bone-breaking, teeth-cackling winter. We squirmed in a blanket so small that I bet your feet were any way out of the blanket. Still, your hands were sweating so much. I was holding them tightly to make your sweating stop. You, amidst forcing me to get up from my comfortable warm embrace of the blanket, looked at me. and I looked back right at the time. You were smiling silly, you were smiling young, you were smiling like the color blue. I loved you, I loved you and I loved you and you don't know how much I was in pain to not tell you the same line over and over every second because you might get bored of hearing this line. But yet, I loved you and I loved you and I loved you, I was seventeen and you were twenty. I am so teenage to be in that much deep love. but I was. Secretly, passionately, and might be mistaken but we were in love. We were blind in love, we were deaf in love, we were mute in love, we were paralyzed in love and we finally were very much freely in love. Our love was mind-numbing, brainless, thoughtless, and impractical but we were. And that very day when I was seventeen, hugging you like a koala under a blanket on a winter night wearing those same cheap branded hoodies, I agreed to leave the comfort cocoon of our warmest and messiest hug and got up to dance with you. you laughed seeing my clumsy self trying to make one proper step, then we pretended we were dancing in a ball full of people watching us. I giggled when we swiftly matched our steps and danced away our worries, but that time we never had any worries, we were just scared to get caught by your mom and scolding us. How simple our fears were right? I danced with you but now when I think about that night, I danced with you. That night I was the center attention of, that night your eyes carefully noted each of my messy steps, that night your hands always searched for mine, that night your arms only were straightened to protect me, that night your smile was only because of me, that night you were only with me. you swirled me as you swirled your whole universe. You swayed our attached bodies as we smiled identically. How pathetic were we right? How messy, how inseparable, how clingy. How grossly close to each other. but I loved it the way it was, I loved you the same way. Bodies crashed and we were warming up just because of releasing so much energy into moving our limbs. We were finally warm on a cold night. we managed. We then went to the blanket and squirmed under it and embraced each other in a bone-crushing hug and slept with more sweaty palms, tangled up hairs, loosened clothes with cheap perfumes mixed up with our sweat, smelling very gross but with clear minds and hearts beating very fast. I loved you and I loved you and I loved you so much but as I mentioned earlier. I was too mute to say it. it might as well be the reason why you never heard of me saying it.
I still love you with all my might, with all of the leftover grieves and millions of scars and with millions of thoughts, but with expensive clothes and perfumes this time.
Yours Sunflower
8 January 2022
Dear Sun
You remember once I asked you about your deepest darkest secrets and you looked at me as if I would slightly crack up hearing you, you laughed gullible and I narrowed my vision on you, never backing up from a challenge. You looked at me seriously this time, your pupils stilled my almost curved-up lips tugged downwards and my smile completely faded. Your questioning eyes asked if I was sure and my determined eyes never left your sight. You had said, "You wouldn't..."I never let you complete that very sentence as I answered, "I would never leave you even if you asked me to" I had said these lines with so much sincerity that I saw your eyes glowing with stars in them. you gestured for me to come to you as I went close to you. you back hugged me as I sat on the bed. You snuggled against my arms and cuddled against my back, holding me tight as ever. I never understood your obsession with holding me that tightly. I was never going to leave you. you started saying and I started to prepare myself thinking how to handle you afterward, trust me, I never had the intention of hearing your past sufferings for me to decide to stay with you, I was going to stay with you till the very end. I just wanted to hear your the battles that you lost so that I will know how to let you win those same battles in the future. I wanted to learn about your pains so that in our forever, those pains will only be seen as scars, not blood. It was blooded at that time I knew and hence I wanted to know all those cuts you got so that you don't get hurt in those same spots. I wanted to hear you tell those unthreaded stories to sew them softly and let you feel complete, not empty. You kept saying those words as I kept hearing your words murmuring inside me. I concentrated, on how choked you were while uttering some story parts. I noticed how breathless you got while telling those stories. I remembered when you almost teared up and also noted when you were crying miserably. I pointed out your shakiness, the way your fingers trembled against mine in fear that I might think how filthy you were, that I might gross out your acts, which I might think badly of you. Never. I just wanted you to finally be able to reveal those stories with the strength of spilling them. I was so proud of you because most people can't even say a word and you were narrating that means you were in the position to get healed. I was so proud of you. you kept crying, drenching my shoulders and neck. I was happier than ever. You were leaving your past behind, you were adapting to changes and you were okay with it, you were increasing the chances of us. You were getting healed on my arms; in my embrace...I turned as I cupped your face and kissed your forehead wiping those gorgeous tears smeared all over. A tear trickled down my cheek and you smiled seeing me still there, still holding you, still looking at you the very same way, with so much love in my eyes, I didn't leave. You smiled in relief and embraced me, almost carrying me in your big powerful arms. And we were there, in the moment, and very much love. I know you were in love with me, you didn't have to say it to me that day. Your relief said it all. The moment you saw I never left you after hearing those unheard stories, you started believing you love me, and so did I. I was always in love with you, with you knowing and without you knowing. Always and always...
Yours Sunflower
15 January, 2022
Dear Sun,
Once I asked, "Do you believe that there is another life?" You shook your head chuckling without removing your face, from the TV screen ahead. Your deep stomach arching giggles were spreading giddiness inside me. We were watching five feet apart, the most bone-crashing, heart-wrenching movie we've ever seen. My head was resting on your shoulder, my arms cradling around your one arm, pressing my arms for cuddling more than I should. The blanket had fallen on the floor after spreading its warmth around us but for a short while. Our arms were diluting so much warmth that the blanket felt unworthy. We were snuggled up against each other like two broken pieces of puzzles, never perfectly inclined but surely creating a different shape. You looked at me in the eyes and I felt my insides churning just so badly. I sincerely never understood why I felt like that whenever I saw your eyes. You asked, "Do you?" I nodded slowly and buried my face in your neck seeking more warmth from your already frozen skin. Your one arm which was cuddling with mine slowly went to my waist and captured, smiling at my habit of burying my face. I whispered, "I think in another life we are not together, in another universe I think we haven't met yet, but in another world I can feel my heart aching to see you, to touch you, to feel you against me, to make your breath collide against mine ones, in another universe I am yearning, I am longing to get a glimpse of you. That's why maybe whenever I see your eyes looking at me like that I feel my heart ripping through its flesh, whenever I see you smiling, I feel my guts colliding, whenever I hear you I feel my breath hitching, I feel my eyes swelling up with those unshed tears. I feel the fear of losing you like I must fear to even meet you in another life. In another universe, I must be in love with you like this one, and I think maybe I love you more but I can't have you like me in there. I can feel my heart breaking into millions of pieces. That's why my feelings are this much messier because maybe in every other universe, we didn't meet; we are just wandering in search of each other. Maybe only in this universe, we are together. That's why I can feel myself breaking into other universes just because I couldn't call you mine." You pulled me harshly against yourself and buried your face in my hair, inhaling as if you could only breathe with the help of this. Your breaths turned ragged, shaky, and mostly fearful. Your arms are colliding against my whole self, wrapping me tightly as ever. Your breaths turned heavier and I rested my face on your cheek and arms around your neck letting you hold me as much as you like, I would have stayed like this forever. You whispered, "I will find you in every universe" I choked on my tears and giggled in a rather harsh tone, holding you so tightly that I was dependent on it. I was, I am and I will be. I wiped my tears and whispered, "I hope I find you in every universe, I love you so much" You nodded and I laughed seeing your red swollen eyes and puffy nose with absolute pouty lips. "Hey hey, I am here only...see I am not going anywhere, we found each other" You nodded, wiping your eyes harshly and again hugging me as tightly as ever. I kissed your forehead.
Cause sometimes I look into your eyes
And that's where I find a glimpse of me in another universe searching for you,
And when I try to fall for your touch
I keep thinking of the way it was
Said I was fine in another universe and said I moved on, but I was only there passing time in nobody's arms,
Hoping I'll find a glimpse of us. If it is another universe, then I might be writing letters to you on your birthday, hoping you would read them one day rather than being in your arms securely. The letter must be this,
Tell me she savors your glory
Does she laugh the way I can?
Is this a part of your story?
One that I had never lived
maybe one day you'll feel lonely
And in her eyes, you'll get a glimpse
Maybe you'll start slipping slowly
And find me again.
Yours Sunflower
26 January, 2022
Dear Sun,
"I am not gonna.." before I could complete my sentence you said, "You can do it love" I looked at your eyes and saw how much concern it was showing, how much anticipation and eagerness it was showcasing. How your eyes painted sincerity that you were there to hold me, how much dedication was painted in those pairs that you would protect me. I held your hands and rested my foot on the paddle of the bicycle and slowly shakily sat on the seat and started paddling with both my feet, my arms were trembling around the handle and the rearview mirror was reflecting how worried you were for me if I were to fall and get hurt. My lips curved a little. I breathed heavily and you breathe more heavily. It felt so scary and again felt your heart beating faster than mine indicating you were frightened. "I think I am gonna fall" I had remarked "We should do the things we fear otherwise how are we gonna overcome it" I giggled and said, "Okay stop being cheesy and all'' your arms around my arms and rested on top of mine ones over the handle and you caressed my hands for it to stop trembling. Your left cheek was brushed up against my left one as I inhaled your warm breaths hitting straight on the skin. You kept talking and I forgot that I was almost paddling without shaking, "you remember your friend Lily?" you asked and I glared at you. Lily was the person I worked together with, she wasn't my friend, but anyway. So silly were we right? "Yeah, what about her? '' You laughed seeing me fuming with incredible expressions. You were smiling in a rectangular shape, making my heart go crazy. "Nothing, her husband works at a press company. I wanted to know if the press is open on Saturday this week. I need to get something published. Our latest project, I needed his pr team" You kept saying how you gave your every inch of dedication to this project and I was completely engrossed listening to your voice. Your voice always gave me relief. A person's tone of voice always indicates their mood. Your mood was so much expressing how excited you were to work with this new company, and how much hard work you did just for this deal to be finalized. This was about your working with a big singer for the first time. Your mood was happy while explaining how much you loved hearing their praises. I never noticed you already left the handle and you were going far away from the reflection my rearview mirror was showing. I paddled and paddled until I felt a gentle cold breeze brushing against my face, not your warmth. But I kind of loved the freedom of the air brushing against my face. I wasn't trembling, I wasn't shaking. I wasn't nervous. I was paddling with ease and with so much conviction. I realized you weren't there to hold me but I was still passing through the road of so many ups and down. But there is a saying that there is more pleasure if you share the joy with your loved ones. I thought of it and smiled to myself while taking a reverse turn and paddled straight to you, I saw you looking at me curiously then your lips curved into a huge grin, and then automatically your laugh started echoing near my ears, see this was the freedom I was seeking, where I can hear your laughter more closely, for me the freedom was not handling those battles alone, but by holding your hands, with you beside me. I reached you and you questioned me, "What?" "Get in Your Highness," I said and your giggles surrounded the atmosphere making the birds chirp loudly out of happiness. You sat down behind me and held the handle on top of my hands your shoulders grinding against mine as your cheeks. I paddled and paddled and found myself enjoying more than the freedom of the air was doing to me. I loved you; I loved you so much and many many much more times
Yours Sunflower
2 February, 2022
Dear Sun,
"You don't like Jazz", you had said and I stood there looking down thinking you might be very disappointed in me. But I could like the genre or the lyrics or the melodies. I still can't. I am sorry. But you eventually started chuckling, holding my hands and swaying our bodies; you didn't miss kissing my forehead when our bodies collided. You rested your head on top of mine and snuggled with my hair, your warmth gliding through your veins when your arms captured my waist, almost wrapping me up wholly by your embrace, "are you an idiot" I pouted and ground against your chest with my face and inhaled your care filled breaths. Your laughter vibrated through your ribcage making me want to hear more and more. I loved you so much that I could carelessly listen to your laughter forever without even thinking about sitting. "Why do you always attend the Jazz concerts with me then, you must be so bored?" I always love the Jazz concert just because I get to stare at you without you even noticing. I get to see how the lips twitch and curve and how your eyes close when you hum along with the singer, I get to watch your pupils delighted in extreme satisfaction, I get to admire your eyes and how they merrily glisten with shine falling on your face, I get to point out the moles, eliciting my entire system with the thought of how beautiful you are, how much your eyes can get deeper and drown on the music, how your voice exposes so serene and raw, how your fingers clasp against mine ones and I feel blood rushing in your veins so much faster and adrenaline decorating your cheeks making you fluster. How godly gorgeous you were I could tell right there standing. I get to watch you and dive into your features and your breathing patterns just by standing there as long as the concert finishes. I go to the concerts with you not for the sake of going, I go there to just see how exhilarating your pulse becomes to hear the slow melodies and how you admire your first love Jazz, not me. I never mind, sometimes you loving something else or someone else is also a treat to my eyes, I loved you, everything of you. I couldn't say anything back in your arms, but now I am saying, I despised Jazz but yeah I loved you more than the hatred towards anything. Now you know, even if I don't like it, if it's the opportunity to experience it with you, I would gladly do it. even if it's death....if it's for you, I would gladly take the bullets down my chest.
Yours Sunflower