Our story begins on a Saturday, where the boys were hanging out at their usual spot at Pepper St.
-"You are an insufferable ogre!" Roufail yelled at Riox.
-"And you are a gargantuan buzzkill! There is absolutely nothing wrong with breaking into Area 51, if anything it's a very fun leisure time activity!" Riox said.
-"Can't we go one day without doing idiotic crimes?" Tempest asked.
-"Apparently not, since SOMEONE is only good for committing felonies! The fact you haven't gone to jail yet is incredible!" Roufail said.
-"My god, can you guys not argue for 5 minutes!? You're acting like an old married couple." Leo said.
-"NO WE'RE NOT!" Roufail and Riox said in unison.
-"Okay, guys! Give it a rest already! Let's go do something fun, like jumping off a cliff!" Kewmed said as he wrapped his arms around Roufail and Riox and the three walked away, leaving Leo and Tempest behind.
-"This can't go on, dude." Tempest said. "It's messing with the group mojo."
-"Worry not, dear friend!" Leo said. "I have a plan. So here's what we're gonna do…"
Later…
-"Okay guys, listen up! I got in contact with my uncle's boss's cousin's sister-in-law, who runs a travel office and does super cheap vacations so I booked one for the five of us." Leo said and pulled out two sheets of paper.
-"Finally, a good idea that doesn't involve abducting kids!" Roufail said.
-"We're abducting kids?" Riox perked up.
-"You can do anything in this hot vacay spot! Just sign here and go to gate E3 tomorrow morning for the boat ride."
-"Wait, something's sketchy. Why do we have to sign?" Riox said.
-"I don't know dude, the rest of us did it. Company policy or something."
Kewmed tried to say he didn't sign anything, but Tempest stepped on his foot before he did.
-"Ow dude!" He exclaimed.
Roufail and Riox weren't convinced.
-"Come on you guys, don't you trust me?" Leo said, and gave a sheepish grin.
-"Oh fine, what the heck. As long as I'm not forced to hang out with him all day." Roufail and Riox said at the same time.
-"Incredible! See you two tomorrow!" Leo said as he grabbed the contracts and ran away.
-"What's his problem?" Riox asked.
Epic transition to the dock next morning
Roufail and Riox both arrived at 9:45 in the morning at gate E3, where they met Renie proudly standing in front of a crappy run down boat that would be taking them to "Superb Vacay Island Place"
-"Where are the others?" Roufail asked Renie when they met him.
-"Oh yeah, Leo left me a prerecorded message about that." Renie said and pulled out a tablet, then had a video play.
-"Hey kids! Leo here!" Leo said on the video. "I hope you two lovebirds enjoy your vacation together, because this was a ruse to get you to tolerate each other."
-"And don't even think about not going on the boat! The contract you signed said that if you didn't get on you'd have to give us 1 million euros each!" Tempest said from the video.
Riox tried to say something but before he could, Video Leo spoke again.
-"And don't even try not paying, Riox! I'll call the cops on you both!" He said, and the video turned off.
-"Dang it!" Roufail yelled out.
-"Whatever, it's only for a weekend anyway." Riox said. "It's either this or doing Leo's boring shit."
The two got on the boat and we're driven to the island. Renie only ran into two icebergs in the entire thirty minute long journey.
-"Alright guys, we're here. I'll come pick you up in two days! Good luck!" Renie said as he drove away.
-"Did he just say good luck?" Roufail asked.
-"It probably means nothing." Riox said.
"Well okay… Either way we should find somewhere to set up camp and find some food." Roufail explained.
-"Seriously dude? We should live out in the wild, like nomads!" Riox said. 'We can forage for food and drink goat milk like crazy mountain people!"
Roufail proceeded to enter an overly dramatic pose as he leaned his back so far down he was practically facing the sky and covered his face with his hand before replying
-"What a poor soul… I suppose that I, in all my 6'10 glory, shall guide you through the principles and necessity of being civilized!"
"What the hell are you doing? Forget that, why would we even need to set up camp. Isn't this place a vacation resort or something?" Riox asked.
Roufail returned to his normal posture that looked only a little paraplegic before answering
-"Are you kidding me? This place looks like the jungle from the Madagascar movie! There's nothing here but death!" Roufail said.
-"Whatever, you have fun pitching tents, I'll go do some real manly work!" Riox said as he ran away.
-"I'm getting burgers." Roufail said as he pulled out his phone and ordered a burger from an undisclosed online delivery app, because we here at Some Weird Productions do not advertise unless we are handsomely paid.
"That idiot Riox probably has no idea where he is… now what the hell is a BBQ burger? Aren't patties already something you can barbecue and have little to no difference… Oh God… Do they barbecue the lettuce?!" Roufail thought to himself while making his order.
Meanwhile, Riox had somehow managed to fight and kill a hyena, make a necklace out of its teeth, and use its blood like warpaint. He had gone shirtless and looked completely insane.
"If we're gonna live here for two days, I'm going to need a better view of the island!" Riox said, and he climbed a nearby tree.
"Ha! Look at that idiot Royfail, walking around aimlessly! He's so lost!" Riox said when he spotted him.
Roufail had stumbled upon an abandoned semi truck that had broken windows, busted headlights and looked like it hadn't been dusted off in decades.
-"This looks like a perfectly sensible place to start a campsite! It even has a getaway vehicle that I can use in the very likely event that idiot Riox loses his mind and comes to hurt me!" Roufail said, and then suddenly, out of seemingly nowhere, Renie dropped from the sky in a parachute.
-"Here's your burger. That will be 9€ 99¢." Renie said when he landed and pulled out a box from his backpack.
-"Renie? I didn't know you worked for the name of the service has been censored by SW Productions Executives!" Roufail exclaimed.
-"I have no idea what you're talking about." Renie said, and then he pulled a cord in his backpack which made him jump back into the air and vanish.
-"Anyway, I suppose I could use this car as a table for now."
Meanwhile, with the others…
-"Got any fives?" Leo asked.
-"No, but I do have this." Tempest said as he put down a Uno +2 card.
-"Dang it!" Leo said as he picked two cards from a pile. "Why are there Pokémon cards here?" He said when he picked up a Pikachu.
-"Aren't we playing Yu-Gi-Oh?" Asked Manos.
Back to Riox and Roufail…
Riox arrived at Roufail's camp, where the latter was eating his burger.
-"This is your camp? Ha!" He said.
-"Where's your shirt?" Roufail asked.
-"Irrelevant. I'm assuming you have nothing to eat, how sad. I for one came prepared! I have all the food I need right in this bag!" Riox said, and showed the contents of his bag.
The bag in question consisted of an eaten apple, a fish skeleton, an old rusty metal can and a bunch of green smog.
Roufail put his burger on top of the car before he entered yet another dramatic pose; where he now titled his shoulders, lowered his right arm, touched his left face cheek with his left arm, looked into the distance and dramatically whispered
-"Depression… Truly, this is the most accurate word with which I can describe such a sight."
-"COME ON IT'S NOT THAT BAD!" Riox yelled in response.
The latter then walked away and Roufail resumed his regular posture once again and got back to eating his burger. Everything was going smoothly, until the most horrible thing happened; Roufail spilled some of the mustard he was putting on his fries on the car, and a loud bang was heard from the distance.
-"What the hell was that?" Roufail asked. "Riox! Stop making noise, I'm eating here! I don't know how you expect a 6'15 muscular individual such as myself to have enough energy to read feminist literature and reflect on the pain of being a woman in modern society without getting enough nutrients!"
-"Roufail, you idiot! What did you do?" Riox called out and ran to the camp.
-"I didn't do anything!." Roufail said.
-"Is that mustard on the car? What have you done!?" Riox exclaimed.
Roufail raised an eyebrow in confusion.
-"Don't you know what happens when you mix dysfunctional semi trucks and mustard? It activates the curse of the Mustard Murderer! He's gonna kill us both!" Riox exclaimed.
-"Yeah right. Even if such a silly killer does exist, I am literally 6'20, how would mister mustard murderer be able to even face me, let alone defeat the power of feminist literature, which I am an avid enjoyer of, in case you didn't know!"
-"Why the hell are you acting like this, there are literally no women around for you to impress. Well, whatever. Just know this; we're gonna be extremely lucky if we get off of this island alive now that you've doomed us!"
-"Yeah sure, there's no way that dude exists, I think you've already gone insane, Peter Mark H. Riox boy."
Meanwhile, with the others…
-"Go fish." Leo said.
-"What the hell is this? The color's red, dude!" Tempest exclaimed.
-"It's not even your turn! Pikachu, use thunderbolt!" Kewmed said.
-"You don't need to talk to the card, you moron, it can't hear you!" Leo said.
-"Hey, it's more immersive that way."
The next day…
-"How was the tree, Riox?" Roufail asked when he met up with Riox, who had in fact slept by tying himself to the top of a tree.
-"Awful, but at least it didn't give the Mustard Murderer a chance to murder me!"
-"You're stupid. There's no Mustard Murderer. I slept in the car and I was just fine."
-"He's trying to trick us! Never let your guard down!" Riox explained.
-"Whatever man. I'm going to order food again, do you want anything?" Roufail asked.
-"As if! I still have enough roots and meat until tomorrow."
-"I know damn well that's a lie but I don't care enough to bother myself with your nonsense… Aw dang it! I'm out of data!" Roufail exclaimed. "Riox, where's your phone?"
-"I dunno, I ditched it with my luggage. I can't have the authentic nomad experience with a phone!" Riox said.
-"Dude! What the hell is wrong with you!? We're both gonna die here!" Roufail panicked.
-"Oh relax, you big baby. Won't Dorkahontas come pick us up tomorrow morning anyway?"
-"What if he doesn't!? I don't wanna die yet! And definitely not with you!" Roufail said.
-"As if Leo and the others would ever forget something that important."
Meanwhile…
Leo was on the phone with Rin.
-"What's up?" Leo said.
-"Hey, do you remember if we have to study paragraph 3.2 for Monday's exam?" Rin asked.
-"Oh shit! The exam! Why do I keep forgetting things that are important!?" Leo exclaimed.
Back on the island…
-"Yeah, you're right. He'd never forget us here." Roufail said.
-"So, now that we're alone, I have a question." Riox told him.
-"Shoot."
-"Why exactly do you hate me so much?" Riox asked.
-"Because you're an insufferable asshole who disrespects-" Roufail started saying before Riox interrupted him
-"Give me the actual reason, not that overdramatic shit!"
-"Fine. Look, we usually don't worry too much about what we're gonna do if it means it'll be fun, but the shit you do crosses the line on multiple occasions, and you seem to have no plans of bettering yourself!"
-"Damn…"
-"For the record, I don't hate you that much. I just think that you need someone (me) to keep you grounded and hopefully make you change and grow as a person!" Roufail elaborated
-"Jeez, that's so kind of you." Riox said.
-"Yeah don't take it to heart, I just think we'll all go to jail if something about you doesn't change."
-"I suppose I can give you some food for your honesty." Riox said. "Y'know like a handful."
-"What food?" Roufail asked. Riox gave him the paw of the hyena he killed the day before.
-"Why do you have this?" Roufail asked.
-"Well off I go! Riox said before running away.
Meanwhile…
-"Man… I think I'm forgetting something important." Leo exclaimed.
-"Yeah, me too…" Tempest related.
-"Oh well it can't be too urgent if we forgot about it! Now, time to play Po-Gi-Uno!"
EPIC TRANSITION BACK TO RIOX AND ROUFAIL
Roufail was currently suffering from hunger and thirst, while also being extraordinarily bored.
-"God… Why did Leo think it'd take us this long to make up with each other? We're practically already on better terms." Roufail said to himself.
-"Yeah I dunno either." Riox showed up out of nowhere.
-"I take it you're just as bored as me, huh?"
-"Nah, I'm here to tell you you should run away."
-"What? Why?" Roufail asked Riox.
-"Because the thing I warned you about is currently happening… The Mustard Murderer is here, and he is chasing us!" Riox explained.
Soon after, the sounds of branches and leaves cracking started echoing and getting closer and closer to the two rivals.
-"Normally I wouldn't care enough to tell you about this, but I think Leo will be pretty annoyed about it if I let you die. So you should probably get to running away, I guess." Riox said.
-"HUH? HOW ARE YOU TAKING THIS SO CALMLY? A MURDERER IS LITERALLY APPROACHING US AND YOU'RE JUST STANDING AROUND?!" Roufail yelled at Riox.
-"Well, I just realized that if I can't commit crimes there's not much point in me living right now. It was kinda my main (and only) goal in life, you know. It was my biggest and most favorite source of entertainment and now that it's gone I dunno how I'm supposed to move on with my life." Riox explained.
This truly was shocking. An individual who had completely lost hope in life after being told he couldn't commit acts against the law of the land. Such behavior would be described as insane by most people… But Roufail was not like most people.
And so, Roufail entered yet another pose, this time he cowered as he rubbed his face with both hands and started tearing up while saying
-"No, Riox… It would appear that the explanation of my opinion on you was unclear… I will not stop you from committing crimes. It is what brings you happiness, and putting an end to an individual's main source of happiness is an insult to what it means to be human. You can keep committing felonies, I shall never stop you from that, however, that does not mean I will approve of you doing actions that I perceive as immoral. With that being said, grab my hand and run with me through this island until we escape this murderer and we get back to our homes once morning comes!"
Roufail proceeded to offer his hand to Riox. The latter had now had a certain flame within him get re-ignited, so he grabbed his hand but not to join him in running away, but rather to shake it firmly as he said
-"No, Roufail. We do not have to run away… We will face the Mustard Murderer… Together."
Roufail almost cried from how truly emotional the events that were unfolding were.
-"Alright then, let's do it!"
The two of them stood side by side, awaiting the dastardly murderer as the sounds of footsteps got closer and the figure that was once covered by the veil of the night was revealed to them… As TOM HANKS!
-"HUH? WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE?" Roufail yelled out in confusion.
Tom Hanks did not say anything as he did not answer our Instagram DM asking him how he would react to this situation.
That's when Riox noticed Tom Hanks was holding a weird volleyball. The former proceeded to brutally beat up the latter in order to steal that ball.
-"Does stealing from a celebrity count as another offense?" Riox asked.
-"I dunno, probably not." Roufail answered.
-"Aw shucks. Well, at least the Mustard Murderer turned out to not be real after all!"
-"Yeah, I sure am glad." Roufail breathed a sigh of relief.
The two of them looked right, then left, then right again, only to be greeted with the sight of a scrawny, deformed individual wearing yellow, red and brown clothes holding a soy sauce themed machete charging torwards them at rapid speeds.
-"OH NO! IT'S THE MUSTARD MURDERER!" Riox yelled out.
-"LITERALLY NOTHING ABOUT HIS APPEARANCE IS INDICATIVE OF MUSTARD, WHAT THE HELL NAME IS THAT?!" Roufail also yelled out before the two of them started frantically running away, completely ignoring what Riox declared literally 5 minutes ago.
Riox and Roufail ran through the forest for what felt like ages, hours passed and the Murderer never stopped pursuing them.
-"DAMN IT! We need to do something about this dude, I can't keep running forever!" Roufail said.
-"Yeah, I'm reaching my limit too… Thankfully… I have come up with something." Riox declared as he stopped running, pulled out Tom Hanks' weird volleyball and turned to face the Mustard Murderer.
-"What the hell are you doing?!" Roufail asked Riox.
-"In my many years of living, I have come to one conclusion when it comes to corporations. Kill their employees, they won't care. Ruin their stocks, they'll be somewhat annoyed… But, if you dare destroy their merchandise…" Riox didn't bother to finish his sentence, as he simply threw the ball at the Mustard Murder who swiftly cut it in half. "And now we watch." he said.
Roufail was confused and almost certain the Mustard Murderer would now kill them since they had stopped running away… But then.
A bunch of shadows started appearing around them, and when they looked up at the sky to see what was wrong, they were met with an assortment of letters.
-"Universal!" Roufail read it out.
One of the letters unfolded to release hundreds of secret Universal private agents, who landed on the island and proceeded to beat the Mustard Murderer to a pulp for messing with official company merch.
-"You kids are the ones who threw Wilson the Volleyball at him, right? Well, you're gonna have to get the same treatment." one of the agents said as they started approaching Riox and Roufail.
-"Oh shit! I didn't think they'd turn on us!" Riox started panicking.
-"Don't worry, I've got this." Roufail said he pushed Riox to the side, only to reveal he was suddenly dressed in a business suit.
Roufail closed in the distance between him and the agents as a strange song started playing and he begun talking to them
-"Hey, it would appear that you want to hurt us! Well, it is quite obvious that we are children, which would make what you're doing quite morally reprehensible, what's more, is that harming children is an extremely looked down upon activity in most societies. Meaning, partaking in such activities would seriously hurt the reputation of Universal as a company, plummeting their worth as a company and leading to a complete bankruptcy. Furthermore…"
Roufail had activated his
ROUFAIL GASLIGHT GUILT TRIP LIE MAKE UP BULLSHIT YAPPING TECHNIQUE
One of Roufail's most fearsome techniques, where he starts guilt tripping his opponent in order to get them to do what he wants. Usually this would never work under normal circumstances, however, Roufail had mastered the skill of talking so much that the listener loses track of what was even being discussed, turning this into an extremely effective technique; as most of his opponents would be too bored from the yap session to not just do whatever he says so they can finally move on.
Roufail's yap session lasted three hours, it was now morning and he had convinced the agents to get them back to their homes using the same technology with which they descended from the sky.
-"Wow dude… That was the most boring experience of my life!" Riox told Roufail.
-"Well, that's the point." Roufail exclaimed.
With the two of them having made up, Leo's and Tempest's plan had paid off… Speaking of them.
Meanwhile
-"Hey dude… I think I remembered what we forgot about." Leo told Tempest.
-"What was it?"
-"We should add some Magic the Gathering Cards to this as well."
-"Oh shit true, I was just thinking the same thing!"