You know how every year, right at the beginning, specifically New Year's, you're usually told to make a New Year's goal for the next New Year? Where you would make plans for things you want to accomplish, things you want to quit, or items you have been eyeing and finally put your foot down to actually get them?
Well, I made one, and I'm going to tell it to you regardless of whether you want to hear it or not. I had only five goals on my list. To most, it would seem like a tiny list but I wrote down things I felt I could actually accomplish.
My main priority was graduating high school. Yes, it's such a basic thing to say but to my family and me, it wasn't. I grew up in what most people would call the Hood. The place that most would steer clear of, the place where the majority of people who lived there were people of color, the place where the sound of police sirens easily mixed in with the music that went up to only the 90's.
I had friends, family members, and acquaintances who dropped out of high school. Either family problems, fanatical problems, drug problems, or other things. Going to school was a luxury. Graduating was a luxury. Going beyond that was a dream for most.
I am thankful for the luxuries I have been given. I am the second-youngest of five kids. My parents were able to send all of us to school. My oldest brother was able to graduate through sweat and tears, mostly from my parents. However, he stopped there and decided to just enter the workplace instead of going to college. The next two who graduated were the twins. My older sister and older brother, who were joined by the hip in anything they did. They went to college further down south from where our parent's house is located. Deciding to go to college at a state college instead of an outer-state one.
Then there was me, the fourth Kaine child, as most of the neighborhood would call me. The child that will make it big. The child who could have skipped grades but decided not to so he could build up more of a resume. The child who never scored less than an A on anything. The child who did sports like basketball, track, and volleyball. The child who will go to college to become a lawyer.
Which leads me to my next priority list: getting accepted by the big colleges. My resume was immense, as I had my goal of being a lawyer since middle school, when we were given a test to decide which career best fitted you. I made sure to accomplish many things so my chances would be bigger.
Third on my list was taking my family out to go on a family vacation with the money I saved up from working. My mom, dad, and grandparents have been putting money away for my siblings and me to make it easier to go to college or just to live in general after high school. They've been working nonstop and to say special thanks to them, my siblings and I, besides our youngest brother, who's only 10 years old, have been putting away for a vacation somewhere in the States, since beyond that was not in our range.
The fourth on the list was using the rest of my money saved up to get a car. Something I would need if I got accepted by the outer-state colleges I applied to. I want a big car since little cars make me feel claustrophobic but if I need to get a little car, I would get it with no complaints.
Well, maybe a few complaints. Just in my head.
Then there's my fifth goal. Even though it's my fifth, that doesn't make it any less important for me to accomplish. My little brother wants to see the stars. Something that is practically impossible to see where we live in populated California. He is a big geek about space. He has been since I read him a space book when he was just in diapers. They called him my mini-me. My little shadow that would follow me around more often than our dogs would.
Despite our 8-year age difference, I will not lie and say he wasn't my favorite sibling. I'm not saying my other siblings weren't close; they just had people they could chill and mingle with. For my oldest brother, Trevon, they were his friends. He treated them like they came from the same womb. For the twins, Reina and Liam, it was each other. For me, however? It was my baby brother, Vince.
He looked up to me more than I could possibly admit out loud. He wanted to work at NASA and possibly go to space and I was never the one to tell him he couldn't do so because he could. I believe he could and I tell him so whenever he has doubts.
So, keeping those goals in mind, I am happy to say that I was able to accomplish the majority of my goals. A good 80 percent. I was able to graduate high school and was the whole valedictorian*. I was accepted to all the colleges I applied to, which was celebrated by the whole neighborhood. The vacation was fun; our mother cried when she, dad, and our grandparents opened the presents, which were the tickets. It was a fun week away, with, luckily, just relaxation. I am also happy to inform you that I was able to get a car. A big one at that. It was fairly new and the miles weren't bad. Lady Luck had my back that day because, man, cars are just expensive as hell.
I was able to turn 18 and it was nice and cozy as we did a cookout in the neighborhood park. I got a lot of house items for my dorm and even items for my new car. We took a big picture at the end of it, which I immediately framed so I could use it to decorate my new space.
However, as you probably noticed, well, I hope you notice. Deduction at this level is easy, but if you haven't noticed, 80% meant I wasn't able to complete my last goal. Well, to put it briefly, it was because...
I died.
At freshly 18 years old and in full health. I, Ignis Kaine, had died. Honestly, death wasn't something I didn't even question would happen to me. Yeah, I know it's a naive thought process but that's really something I didn't even think about happening to me.
It was the day that I was supposed to take Vince to see the stars and right before we were about to head out, I was stopped by my mom.
"Ignis, before you guys go, can you two stop by the mall real quick to pick me up something?" She said this as she lay on our couch. Our husky Suka was lying on her back, dead asleep, not caring much about the world around her. Her body was draped on top of our mom, who had sunken into the couch because of it. I couldn't help feeling a slight jealousy at such a sleep.
"But Mama, me, and Iggy were about to head out. It takes a while to get to the desert." My baby brother Vince whined. His body fidgeted in agitation and he kept looking back at the door, probably hoping she would take back what she just asked. He was going to say something else but it was interrupted with a simple look by our mom. I couldn't help but laugh but I was also given the look so I had to stifle it, which caused me to choke.
Rolling her eyes, our mom looked back at Vince as she questioned, "Is the desert going anywhere?" I could see Vince wanted to say yes just to prove her wrong but decided to go with the safer of the options as our mom's eye started to squint into a glare. "Exactly; it's not going anywhere. Now, Ignis, can you go get my stuff, please?"
Laughing, I said, "Yes, ma'am," saluting jokingly, while walking to the door with my car keys in my hand. Behind me, I can hear the shuffling of Vince deciding if he wanted to go or not but our mom decided for him as she said, "You better go with your brother; don't think I didn't see how you were about to get sassy with me." And with that, he ran out from behind me and made his way to my car. Laughing, I shut the house door behind me and walked down the pathway.
During the ride, after Vince finished his rant about our mom, we listened to music while singing along. We laughed throughout our ride when neither one of us knew the words responding to us to either make up our own lyrics or mumble incoherently. When we made it to the mall, both of us grimaced at how crowded it was.
"I thought people no longer use the mall?" Vince questioned mostly to himself as he unlocked his seatbelt before opening the car door. I hummed in agreement as I also got out. When we got in, we were hit by the cold AC, which caused both of us to make a sissing sound while we shivered from the temperature difference.
When we walked, groups of people were chattering together, looking excited as they walked in the opposite direction of us. I couldn't help listening in on a couple conversations as we passed by.
"It seems like a famous person is using the mall as a public fan greet." I said offhandedly as we walked into our designated store. My brother's face wrinkled as he looked back while walking forward.
"What kind of famous person uses the mall as a fan greeting?" He asked and before I could answer, another voice already did.
"A small celebrity, apparently. All these people here and there, nobody out there besides the mall security keeping order. Boi, let me tell you how I had to kick some of these folks out because they were trashing my store." The owner of the store, Mrs. Barbra, huffed with her hands on her waist. Her mouth was pursed as her eyes glared behind us outside the store, where groups of people were still walking and talking loudly.
Being familiar with the older woman, as she's been our mother's wig maker for years, Vince walked up to the front, sat on one of the stools and started spinning. "You know who the celebrity is, Mrs. B?" He questioned mid-spin.
I laughed as the older woman rolled her eyes as she made her way to Vince, stopping his spinning, almost making him fall over. "Nah, I don't. You know I don't be looking at any newer celebrities, and how many times have I told your hyper self to stop spinning on my chairs? One day you're going to crack your head and your mama is going to stop coming to my store." She lectured before going to the back, probably to get our mom's wig.
"Wow so you don't want me to stop spinning because it's dangerous for me? You just want our mama's cash." Vince said it offendedly with a joking undertone, which caused me to laugh and the older woman to huff as she walked back into view with a box in her hands.
"Well, your mama's cash is my lively hood so yes." Mrs. Barbra said matter factually, which caused me to laugh harder watching Vince's face grow into shock. "I'm just kidding, Hyperbutt. I do care for all you kids. You, my grandchildren that I watched grow up," she said softly as she patted Vince's head, keeping in mind the newly done cornrows on his head.
Vince smiled as he grabbed the box, which she gave him before hopping off the stool and walking up to me. Saying goodbye to the older woman, we were about to exit but Mrs. Barbra's voice called out to me.
"I heard you chose an Ivy League school out of state. I just want to say I'm proud of you, Ignis, and I wasn't just saying words to your brother about seeing you and your siblings as my grandchildren. I meant it. I'm so proud of who you're becoming but always remember that your family has your back, no matter how stressful things get. You're always welcome to come back home and just rest." Mrs. Barbra said, causing me to walk back into the store to hug her.
My back hurt a little bit as she was a short woman but nevertheless, I hugged her tight, breathing in the familiar smell of cinnamon she always seemed to have on. "Thank you, Mrs. Barbra. I will definitely come back, not only to visit but when I need a break so be prepared to be sick of me." I teased her, causing her to laugh as we broke our hug.
Vince and I left after we said our official goodbyes to Mrs. Barbra. As we were walking, the crowds of people finally formed one big group on the other side of the mall. Vince looked curiously over there before looking up at me before once again looking at the crowd. He did this repeatedly before I sighed.
"Vi, I thought you wanted to go to the stars, man?" I asked with a brow raised, looking at him with crossed arms as we stopped walking.
Shuffling on both feet, he looked over to the crowd before looking up at me. "Well, I do but I'm so curious. Maybe it's someone I know. I want to get an autograph if it's someone I know, you know?" He asked me timidly as he gave me a goofy smile.
I sighed once more before I nodded, which caused him to make a whooping sound. As we were making it towards the crowd, my phone started buzzing, and when I pulled it out, I saw it was a face call from Reina. Accepting it, I saw the faces of both twins as they looked at me through the screen.
"Well, that doesn't seem like the car or the desert. I thought you were taking the pain in the behind to see some stars?" Reina sassed. Liam, who was next to her, chuckled as he shook his head.
"Well, we were until Ma got to us first. Had us go get her wig at Mrs. Barbra before we can start our journey." I said as I looked up to see Vince outside the crowd on his toes, trying to see any clues about who the celebrity is that had these people gather here. "We got the wig but apparently there's some type of celebrity that's doing a fan meet and greet at the mall and Vi was curious so I'm satisfying his curiosity."
"Aww, big brother of the award over here. Aren't you two just adorable?" My sister cooed. Liam beside her gave me a mischievous grin while I rolled my eyes. I looked at the screen, finally taking in their background.
"Enough about me being the best; where are you two at? Your apartment doesn't look like that." I asked and before they could answer, happy screams sounded out, causing me to look over. Apparently, the person they had been waiting for finally showed up and I didn't recognize the guy but judging by my brother's excited face, he did. I guess he was right—it would be a waste if we didn't stop by.
Telling the twins what the screams were about, I repeated the question before putting the phone near my ear as the environment became a lot louder. "Well, we wanted to be the best oldest siblings you ever had and since you're moving out to head for college this weekend, we decided to fly up there and help you pack. We also think we are going to do a car road trip with us four older siblings." Reina said it excitedly, causing me to laugh.
"There's no way you got Tre to agree to it. The man practically breathes in his work at this point. That is his lover." I joked and before I could put the phone by my ear again, gunshots ranged out and screams of horror instead of the earlier happiness spread out.
My heart went into my throat as running bodies slammed into me, causing me to take a couple steps back. However, I didn't pay it much mind, as the only thought in my head was my baby brother.
"Vince!" I yelled, running against the people who were running away from the continuous gun shots. I looked around frantically as my heart pounded and my breath heaved. Finally, my eyes locked onto a shivering boy who crouched there, surrounded by bloody, unmoving bodies as if his feet were nailed to the ground.
"Vince!" I shouted quickly, running to him, who looked at me from his crouched position as tears went down his face. His mouth was moving and it wasn't until I scooped him up that I heard what he was saying.
"They're all dead, Iggy. They're dead." He said, brokenly, into my chest as I ran. Gunshots sounded out from behind us, causing Vince to flinch. I ignored it all and ran. A couple times I felt people bump into my back, causing me to run harder, hoping I wouldn't be the reason they weren't able to run to safety as well. The taste of metal rose in my throat but I ignored it and focused more on getting Vince to safety. When we made it outside, officers were already there and they headed in.
When I found a clear area, my legs gave out and me and Vince fell to a kneeling position on the ground. The environment was chaotic but quieter than it was in there. I was able to hear Reina and Liam yelling through my phone what was wrong but no matter what, I just wasn't able to answer. Whenever I opened my mouth, something poured from it and the environment seemed to flicker from bright to dark repeatedly. My head buzzed and all the places that someone pushed me seemed to burn.
A screech broke out in the environment as she screamed, "Omg, someone got shot. That young man is coughing out blood; he got shot!" At first, I didn't know who she was talking about. I thought that person was unlucky. It wasn't until Vince uncurled himself from his upper fetal position to look at me that I realized something was wrong.
His breath hitched, his eyes bugged out and tears slid down at a faster rate the more the seconds went by. His body started trembling as his face scrunched and his lips wobbled.
"Iggy?" He whispered, his voice coming out as if he had no air in his lungs. I wanted to answer him but again, something came out instead, causing him to start hyperventilating. My phone slid out of my hand onto the floor, unconsciously making me look down. At first, I saw Vince's clothes. They were covered in blood, something that wasn't there when I picked him up. I wanted to see if he was injured but my head seemed like a weight, as I couldn't lift it no matter how hard I tried. I felt hands on me but that didn't stop my head from its journey, facing downward.
Finally, my eyes connected with the horrified ones of the twins. Tears were going down their faces as they were talking rapidly. It was then that I noticed I didn't seem to hear anything. It was like the world turned on mute besides one thing that was pounding rapidly. I watched as the phone screen was shaking on their side. Reina looked to be screaming at the screen as tears went down her face. The makeup I know takes her hours to do was getting smudged.
I remembered a time when I was 14 and she was 18. I was in her room mostly to bother her like any other brother would, but eventually I sat down while I watched her put makeup on. In a way, it was bewitching. Fascinatingly, as colors blend, facial structures seem to change to look like something else. However, the main thing was watching as my sister's steady hand glided across her face, leaving art behind.
"It's going to rain today, are you sure you want to wear makeup? Is it waterproof?" I asked while she put her fake lashes on.
"Nah, not waterproof. I mean, there's some out there but I hate how it feels on my skin. Plus, I mastered the trade of wearing it in rain and humidity. I mean, I got to it's part of being a cosmologist." She said this as she put the other lash on. Leaning back, she looked in the mirror before turning to me. "It looks good?" She asked.
"Yeah, it looks good." I said truthfully as she nodded, satisfied, before putting her make-up in their respected places. I thought about her answer before asking another one, "Well, have you mastered the trade of not ruining it when crying?"
She chuckled at that before answering cheekily, "Hell yeah, I did. You just don't cry with makeup on." Which she proved to be right, as I never saw her cry with make-up on. Though I never saw her cry much besides the few times we watch romance movies or that one scene in Boyz in the Hood, otherwise, I never see her cry. The same is true of Liam. Those two were anti-crying.
Well, I thought they were.
It was then that I figured out what was happening. I was dying. The shoves I felt weren't shoves but bullets piercing my back. I guess I didn't feel the pain until this moment due to adrenaline. Such a crazy concept that I thought I would only see in movies.
I wanted to talk to the twins. I wanted to tell Reina that her beautiful makeup was getting destroyed. I wanted to tell Liam to stop yelling at whoever he was talking on the phone with in the background, as they were still at the airport. I wanted to talk to Vince, who I couldn't for the life of me look up to but his little hands out at one point were clutching on my own. However, most of all-
I just wanted them to stop crying. Please stop crying.
I felt dread creeping up on me but it stopped as my weighted head was grabbed by two very warm hands. I couldn't feel anything but I felt these hands. I became very familiar with these hands. These were the hands that held mine when walking across the street. These were the hands that rubbed my back when I felt sick. These were the hands I first felt warmth from when I was born.
I knew these hands well. Just like how I knew the face in front of me so well.
"Hi mama." I wanted to say, but my ability to speak has long left me. However, she seemed to know what I said. She always knew what I said without me actually saying it.
"Hi Iggy." She whispered. Her thumb was gently rubbing under my eye. "I hate to say it but you don't look so good, sweetheart." She joked while tears went down her face despite her still smiling. With all the energy I could conjure up, I gave her a tiny smile of my own, making her chuckle more but it came out more as she wheezed as she was trying to even out her breathing.
"Though even though you don't look so good, I still think you're the most handsome boy in the world." She whispered. My eyes couldn't help flickering behind her to see my dad and Tre. My dad was looking at the ground with his hands clenched, while Trevon, who was holding a crying Vince, looked at me. His face looked void of emotion.
My mom squeezed my face a little as she joked more, "Yeah, even more handsome than those two back there. After all, out of all five children, you were the one who took after me, so of course you're the most handsome." Her smile faded a bit but she regained it, though it looked like a struggle. Her eyes looked behind me, and I practically could see the dismay in her eyes but it went away when she looked back at me.
"Sweetheart, you must feel tired, don't you?" She asked gently. I didn't at first but now that she mentioned it, I feel really tired. "It's okay for you to go to sleep, sweetheart. Don't be scared. Mama will hold you, I promise. I will even sing your favorite song when you had nightmares when you were a kid. You always loved that song." Her hands left my face but not my body. Her arms wrapped around me like she wanted to block me against everything she could, despite her being 5'7 and me being 6'5.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine-"
I felt the pounding start to slowly die down.
"You make me happy, when skies are gray-"
I started to feel cold, even my mom's body warmth didn't seem to reach me.
"You'll know dear, how much I love you-"
Then the pounding stopped, and my body sagged against hers, but she didn't seem to mind.
"Please." I heard her sob as the sound was slow.
"Please don't take my sunshine away." And with that, everything went dark.
My goals seem less important now that I'm dead. Do I blame my mom for having us go there? No. Did I blame my brother for having us stay there? No. I blamed the person who brought a gun for mass murder in the mall. Who committed mass murder in an event that was supposed to be fun and cute. Yet it left everlasting trauma for the survivors, their families, and especially the deceased.
I had dreams. I had goals. I had a family who loved me. Yet that person took that from me. Why did they take that from me?
I guess I would never know. Now I just want to reincarnate or something. I want to be reborn away from the memories and away from the embedded feeling of dying that my conscience carries.
I looked around at the pitch blackness before seeing a white light. When they said walk into the light, I didn't think they meant it literally but nevertheless, I went towards it. The closer I got, the more I felt relieved and unburdened.
I was about to reach it but a scream sounded out and a hole opened up behind me. The thing or, I should say, person, fell on top of me. His body caused me to fall backwards while he fell into the light. I was barely able to make out that it was a man of Asian descent before I was descending down into the black void.
The once-comforting feeling is now leaving me. I feel multiple feelings, the main one being distress, as I am crowded through silent darkness. However, that soon changed as voices sounded out. At first, it was one voice, then it grew into two, then three, and slowly it became so many. Then they all became one voice as they shouted out.
"This isn't the right one! Throw it away!" Suddenly, immense pain overtook me as my body felt like it was being stretched and then pushed back together. My brain felt like someone was using a cheese grater on it and my bones felt like they were getting nicked by a prick from an inexperienced sculpture. A silent scream was ripped from my mouth as I felt I was experiencing a much crueler second death. Before I could pass out, two huge, bright spheres shone in front of me.
A moon and a planet.