As the day became night and the women's voices started to dwindle to barely any, the husband-and-wife duo cooked something in the middle of the living space. The man pulled out a black rock with white labyrinthine symbols and after saying something in a whisper, it started glowing.
The black rock started turning red and the man hurriedly placed it under the basin that the woman used to bring in water. We ate a type of porridge with some type of meat that tasted like a mixture of pig and cow. Even if I didn't feel like eating, my stomach didn't reject the meal.
When it was finally bedtime, the woman gave me a plant fiber* as she gestured for me to bite as she did the same. The plant kind of had a bitter taste and a forest smell to it as I used it basically as a toothbrush you bite on and the woman chuckled softly beside me.
Using a damp rag to rub my face, she and I finally entered the bed with a soft blanket pulled above us. The Chow Chow came to rest by the woman's feet while the husband said something to her, kissed her forehead, and then went to the inner space, where a soft light was soon lit.
The woman had me face her as she looked down at me with a smile. She started singing softly while patting my back to the tempo of the song. It didn't take much of her coaxing for me to go to sleep.
If the emotion of pain wasn't there, then what was? The feeling of tiredness. It wasn't an oppressive feeling like a physical sense of tiredness was, but one that was always there, waiting until you least expected it, like a snake.
A couple times it caught me through the day but the woman always seemed to sense it, as she would soon gush over me in an exciting, warm tone. In a way, it was probably her own tiredness that had sensed my own.
The feeling of wanting to die was always an understanding and infectious feeling.
When I "opened" my eyes, I was in a dark space again. I already started shivering in anticipation of what was about to happen; however, after time had passed, nothing had changed. I looked around myself to find any spot of red yet there was nothing there besides myself. I looked down just to notice I was wearing the Hanfu the woman dressed me in and my feet were small.
I honestly don't know what is going on. I look around once more before starting to walk in a direction besides staying in that one spot. I spent quite a while just walking aimlessly. My thoughts become wondering thoughts until I trip over something, causing me to hum in pain as my head hits the floor.
"What in the living hell," I think before looking at what I just tripped on. It was a big bottle of tequila, a kind of brand my mom described as "headache and memory forgetfulness in a bottle."
Slowly, I got up and looked down at the bottle before picking it up. The bottle was empty and I felt my heart drop as I saw a familiar lipstick color on the mouth part of it. I looked at it as my sight became hazy and behind me, I heard the clank of a bottle toppling over. Turning around, a new bottle was there—this time another brand with a higher alcohol percentage.
With the first bottle in my hand, I walked up to it and saw the same lipstick print and another noise sounded out of another bottle. Step by step, I walked as bottles appeared. At first, they showed up one at a time but the further my feet guided me, the more bottles started appearing in multiples. All bottles have different colors, brands, and alcohol percentages; however, all bottles share one thing in common: a plum red lipstick lip print.
When I took another step, my feet touched the cold wooden hardwood floors. Floors that I had run, walked, and slept on for all my life. I looked up and there she was.
Bottles surrounded her, either emptied or half-emptied, as she sat on the floor with her knees up to her chest. Her usual vibrant dark skin, a skin tone that only she and I had among the seven of us, now looked dulled and lifeless. Her makeup was a mess and her plum red lipstick that she loved so much was half gone as she took another sip of the drink in her hand.
Slowly, I walked closer, my eyes never leaving her deathlike form as her brown eyes was focusing on the tv in front of her. The closer I went, the more I saw her state. Like how her locs haven't been retwisted, like how her clothes have stains on them even though they're not her "outdoorsy" clothes. Like how she had bags and chapped lips like the woman that is currently lying beside me in bed.
I stopped when I was by her side. Tears were already soaking my face, and childish laughter brought my sight from her to the TV. There I was. The exact replica of what I look like now but with different clothing.
I was sitting in a booster seat with an Elmo cake that had a lit number three candle right in the middle. I was laughing so hard while everyone sang me a happy birthday. My mom was sitting right by me while she was singing while smiling at me, which grew bigger whenever I turned towards her. When they finished, I paused for a bit, probably wishing for something like a bike or whatever a three-year-old wanted, before blowing out the candles.
The camera shook as it was being given to someone else and then my father came into view. His smile was big with teeth showing—a type of smile that was contagious—something that he said that if there was anything I got from him, it was his smile.
He hurried over to my other side, which didn't have my mom and once he got there, he looked past the camera, shouting for my older siblings, who then joined us excitedly. They surrounded my little form in the circle and my dad was counting down from 3. They all shouted a happy birthday to me, staring at me in the middle, which caused my little self to throw himself back in hysterics of laughter that caused waves of other laughter around us.
I heard a soft, raspy chuckle by me and I turned my head. My mom was laughing while tears slid down her face but soon that laughter turned into sobs. I wanted to comfort her but my hands went past her like I was a ghost. I felt a twist in my stomach and the feeling of wanting to vomit became present.
"Tracia." A soft voice called out and when I looked back, my dad stood there, his body and clothes equally haggard. He looked down at all the bottles on the ground before looking back at my mom, not saying anything as he walked over. He looked at the screen, which was now showing me opening up presents at Christmas, and it was like he was spellbound as he stopped moving while watching the video.
He was brought back to reality as my mother's voice spoke out, "I know you blame me." Her voice was monotone and I don't know if it was because of that or what she said which made my father flinch.
"No, I don't, Tracia-"
"Yes, you do." My mom interrupted. She let out a bitter chuckle as her eyes finally left the tv to look up at him. She took a sip of alcohol before continuing, "It's my fault he's dead. It's my fault that he had such a painful death. He would've been driving to the desert with Vince but nope. My ass wanted to be stubborn and have them go to the mall to pick up something. A fucking wig. And look what that got me." She laughed mockingly at herself as she chugged the rest of the alcohol in the bottle.
"A dead son and a traumatized son that we might need to put in a psychiatric ward." A bitter chuckle left her lips but the chuckle continued expanding and soon it became manic laughter as she covered her face with her hands. "I used to be so happy when none of our children went into the stereotypical lifestyle that society always placed us in. I was so happy knowing I wouldn't lose them out on the streets like some around us. Yet here I am feeling like death itself because the hood didn't take away my child. I fucking did with my very own hands!" With that, she screamed. Her body took on the form of a bow, but this one looked broken.
I was heaving and despite the rope that tied my neck whenever I spoke, I still shouted that it wasn't her fault. No one would've known that was going to happen beside the shooter themselves. I wanted to hug her. I wanted her to stop crying.
Mom, please stop crying.
My dad sat by her, wrapping his arms around her, saying comforting words while he cried as well. "It's going to get better, Tricia; I promise it's going to get better." Yet my mom didn't seem to believe that, as her cries came out harder, sounding like wails. "What can I do to make you feel better, Tricia? I will do anything." With that, the wails stopped.
I watched as my mom lifted her head from the floor before looking over my dad. I have never in my life seen my mom have such an expression on her face. It made me feel dread as she looked at my dad with such fanaticism that she looked almost possessed.
She gripped my dad's shirt with so much force that I heard him choke as she whispered, "Bring him back." I started shivering as my dad seemed to be equally frazzled as he let out a confused "What?"
"Bring him back. You said you would do anything? Bring him back. I want him back." She said it in a firmer tone.
My dad looked at her with concern swirling in his eyes before placing his hands on both sides of her face as he spoke in a whisper, "I'm sorry, my love. I can do everything besides that. I'm so sorry."
She looked at him and I watched as the once-strong woman who raised me slowly broke. Tears went down her face as she spoke again, "I want him back." My dad was about to say something but she interjected as she repeated her words but this time much louder. I watched in agony as my mom started screaming, repeating her words over and over again. She started wrestling the grip on her face but my dad moved his hands from her face to her body, which made her angry.
He called out and I heard footsteps as Tre and the twins came running in. Everyone looked disastrous and tired yet they still held my mom down as she repeated her words frequently, becoming louder by the second.
My breath heaved and the bile finally spilled from my mouth, no matter how much I wanted to block it. My ears rang and the pounding overwhelmed me as I watched her break down. The thought that I couldn't appease her made my head spin.
I tripped over my feet, causing me to fall, landing the other way of the commotion. When I got up on my hands and knees, I saw little feet in front of me, making me look up and there he was.
Vince.
But I don't even know if I wanted to call him Vince. His hair was cut off unevenly, and his eyes looked at the commotion with such blankness that I wouldn't even think he was alive if I didn't see the barely visible movement of his chest. His arms were covered in thin, protruding scars that made me cry harder, and his body looked to be only skin and bone.
I wanted to reach him and hug him but once again I was met with the cold floor and more bile spilling from my lips as everything spewed out. By the second, everything was becoming red, and the pain in my head hit me like a semi-truck.
"Do you want to go back?" A soft female voice murmured, causing me to look over towards the kitchen and there was a moon shining in the presence of red. As soon as my eyes targeted it, everything became black and quiet again as the moon continued speaking. "Answer me. Do you want to go back?"
I wanted to speak but when I started, blood came crushing out, and my body spasmed in torment as my back burned in pain while my insides seemed to break apart. Yet even with all this agony, I answered with a painful yes, which made the moon hum before slowly transforming into a woman.
The women look to be Inuit. She stood at a height of 6'3 with a golden tan skin tone that made her face tattoos even more striking. Her dark hair was braided down her back, while her eyes were a startling bright grey that looked close to white. Her clothes looked to be made of dark gray, brown, and white fur, as they were separated into two pieces: a parka* and pants. She looked down at me, her angular face showing nothing.
I couldn't observe her more as the pain came rushing at me like a tsunami, causing me to collapse on the ground, curling up to myself. The woman ignored my anguished state as she spoke, "Good, then you must not die. If you died, my and Aadrika's troubles in saving your soul would've been unsatisfactory, considering we have been waiting for you for all these years."
She paused before waving her hand and a water ripple appeared in front of me before, once again, the images of my crying family showed up, alongside the dead-looking Vince. I felt my heart pound as the image was engraved and burned into my mind before once again disappearing. "This scene you just saw is not real," she said quietly. "It is an image I want you to remember, as it will become real if you don't work hard."
I couldn't help but feel bitter hearing her words, considering the pain I was going through right now but I was even more caught up with her previous statements. Been waiting for me?
As if hearing my thoughts, she spoke again, "Yes, waiting. You believe you were the only mistake those idiots made?" She gave a condescending, mocking laugh as her eyes shared traces of anger. "Those idiots made hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions of mistakes. However, one by one, those mistakes die, either right from the start like you almost have or further down the line, their souls evaporating into nonexistence."
Her words wavered between clarity and indistinguishability. I wanted to listen to her but no matter what, I just couldn't understand the pain I was in. My body twisted on the ground like a dying insect and I was no longer able to scream as my throat became raw.
The woman sighed before finally speaking with emotion in her voice, "It's okay if you don't understand me. Just know that you are very important to me. You are the last Natura we need to finally complete the goal we all share. A very rare Sun Natura. You are 1 in 23 billion, an existence that is meant to shine." She walked over to me before crouching before my little, shivering frame.
"You won't be able to practice it until you are physically five. I wish I could relieve you of this pain but this is a mental and soul problem that I cannot fix. All I can say is to learn and, most importantly, live, because if you do, there's a chance to physically see your family once again. I wish you luck, Ignis, and I wish for the three Naturas to align and guide you."
I woke up with a deep breath that, no matter what, I couldn't exhale. I was choking on air but not wanting to bother the woman in front of me, who seemed to have finally gotten sleep after such a long time, I quietly stumbled off the bed onto the floor, where I lay wrapped in a ball as I clawed my neck to breathe.
Everything was becoming red but soon it became black and then it started flickering between the two. Images of my family kept haunting me and the more my mother's cries echoed in my ears, the more I felt my throat clog.
I felt like I was dying until vegetation was placed under my nose, which shocked me enough that I was finally able to exhale and start breathing properly. Quiet whimpers left me as big hands lifted me up and rubbed against my back as my chin was placed on a sturdy shoulder.
The man didn't speak as I tried to calm myself. My shaking body almost seemed to shake the man and my tears made his shoulder and neck wet but he didn't seem to care as he continued rubbing my back.
We sat like this until the pain went away and my shaking ceased to little ones in far intervals. The man finally stood up from his kneeled position as he placed me back in bed with his wife. He looked down at me with concern but didn't say anything as he placed the vegetation next to me on the bed, which further relaxed my body. Setting me under the blankets, he looked at me for a bit before making his way back to the inner room and everything went back to normal as if I hadn't had an episode.
I turned to look at the ceiling for a bit. The crying still ranged in my ears, while dizziness seemed to make me feel so small. I look over to the woman, trying to find the similarities between her and my mom. I felt ill for doing so but it was instinctive as my eyes trailed throughout her face before, finally, I was able to find some.
The tensions that chained me seemed to relax slightly and I looked over to grab the herbs, sniffing them before trying to go back to sleep. However, whenever I closed my eyes, the sight of my crumbling family would make me open my eyes back up and my body was back on the verge of having another episode. Taking an inhalation of the vegetation in my hand, I laid there in silence before thinking of what the Inuk woman told me.
I could see my family again. If I live, there's a chance I could see my family once more in person. Even if the moon was tricking me. Lying to my face or treating me like a play toy. I do not care. If there was a chance to see my family again, no matter how small the possibility, I would take it.
Thinking about this, I quietly and gently got out of bed. The warm floor greeted my feet as I slowly made my way to the inner room, where I saw the man sitting there behind a floor-sitting desk*. Around him were books and scrolls opened facing him; that way, he could just easily glance at them without much movement.
I slowly walked up to him and stopped when he looked up from what he was currently reading. We both stared at each other before he sighed and gently said something as he gestured with his hand that I could come over.
He scooted over a bit while I sat next to him, trying not to disturb the books that looked to be placed purposefully in their spots. I looked over at the density of words that didn't look like any language that I had seen in my world. It looked to have the straightness and formality of Chinese characters, Hanzi*, but each word seemed to be artistically written like that of Arabic characters, Abjab*.
The man moved a bit before placing a book in front of me. The book looked to be for children, as it had barely any words written in it. When I opened it, I was right, as there was one word on one page and, on the other sheet, a picture of what looked to be an apple.
I looked up at the man who was already looking down at me and gave him the best smile I could. The man's face relaxed a bit before giving his own little tight lip smile before training his eyes back to what he was doing. I shifted my eyes from him to look down at my own book as I started studying the language of where I currently resided. We both sat there reading for the rest of the night.