Blood seemed to be everywhere. Anywhere I looked, the red liquid was there, as if mocking me for trying to run from it. Its presence made me feel sick. Breathless even. I couldn't even yell to release tension, as I felt like I was being choked from the inside. It knew I didn't like it and it took pride in causing another human to fear it.
I finally halted as I banged right into a red wooden mirror carved with streamlined lines surrounding a sun in the middle of it. It wasn't there before. It was just me, darkness, and the horror of red. Taking a couple steps back, I looked up at it, only to see myself. However, it wasn't just myself. It was me with bloody clothes, grayish skin, and holes. So many holes. Then I realized why I couldn't escape.
The blood was mine. They were pouring out from my wounds.
I gasped as my eyes flickered open. My heart is pounding and my breathing is unsteady. The environment is hazy, causing me to blink a couple times, which caused tears to slide down my face. Feeling my stomach clench, I rolled myself to my side, where I vomited onto the ground. Sobs wrecked my body as more bile made from flames made its way through my lips, which were in pain from splitting.
My body was shaking with so much vigor that my breathing was almost nonexistent. My back burned and the only sound that came to my ears was the pounding. I want to yell but besides puking and sobbing, no sound of any type of speech made its way out. The more time went by, the more I felt choked and the need to be vocal to unclog the blockage grew but a deep fear had tied its way around my neck.
Instead of the vomit on the ground, all I saw was red. My breathing was becoming erratic as I felt sticky and started to feel cold. Everything seemed to start slowly turning crimson. The more the bile rose, the more strangled I felt.
I heaved again but nothing came out. Tears fell from my eyes as I lay there, dry-heaving and shaking. The feeling of wanting to die rose in me with so much power, yet it can only rise and not meet the golden bell at the top to ring it.
When I no longer heaved, my stomach instead clenched once again but this time from a lack of something in it. I was still on my side, shrunk up into a curled ball, no doubt looking dirty, pathetic, and desolate. My eyes burned from the tears that were forced out of them. Rhythmically, I took two haggard breaths in and a long, wobbly one out. My body was still in pain but the pounding was slowly calming down until eventually it became a strong, steady sound.
I didn't know how long I lay there on the ground. I was so focused on my breathing that I would barely look around from my position to notice the world coming back to its beautiful green. When I did look, however, it wasn't really necessary, as all I saw was grass that surrounded me.
It was the type of grass you usually see in grassland biomes—tall, green, and willowy-looking as it swayed in the breeze. In a way, it helped me a bit to stop my racing thoughts that made my head feel like it was underneath a hydraulic press.
When my breathing eventually became steady, I still didn't want to move. My hands brushed over my body as I figured out three things. The first was that I was naked. I had no clothes on that covered me from the chilly breeze yet in a way, I felt overheated, so the breeze didn't really cause me much discomfort.
Secondly, I had no wounds. The gunshot wounds that used to litter my back—the bullets that didn't pierce through but lodged themselves into me—were no longer there. Though despite that, my back still felt it there, no matter how many times my hands skimped across my smooth skin. The bullets' presence felt like they twisted inside me, even though I knew they were no longer there to do so. My brain couldn't process the fact that we were no longer injured.
We weren't going to die.
Though maybe it did want to die.
Thirdly, I realized my body had changed. No longer were the muscles I gotten from weight training for my sports. No longer did I have limbs that could reach the top shelves at home with such ease. No longer did my locs reach my midback.
Instead, I felt soft and fat everywhere my fingers traced except my back. When I put my hands in front of me, they were small and chubby, no bigger than half my adult palm size. They belonged to those of a toddler around two or three, as they were definitely not the size of a four-year-old.
My thoughts were broken as shuffling sounded. I didn't make any noise, as it became louder as it made its way towards me. The grass in front of me separated as a nose poked through as it sniffed, before a full head broke through the grass. A black dog looked down at me with curiosity, tilting its head as if confused about what it was looking at. Though, to be honest, it may have been confusing. I would be too if I saw a toddler in the middle of nowhere in a field of high grass.
A woman shouted, breaking the standstill between me and the dog. The dog didn't move as it looked back to bark before looking at me again. It stepped closer, sniffing my way, its eyes glancing down where my vomit was drying under the sun's rays.
Behind the dog, footsteps can be heard before a young lady comes into view. Her eyes widen and she takes a sharp inhale as her eyes examine me. She quickly walked up to me, not seeming to mind how dirty I was as she quickly picked me up. An involuntary whine escaped me as the pain in my body seemed to rush back. I started to shake once again as tears slipped down my face. Her movements stalled before she held me to her chest. Facing up, I saw her looking down at me with a sad expression. She was saying something but I couldn't understand it, but she didn't seem to mind.
Her hand, which held my back, started to rub in a rhythmic pattern. Her voice carried a softer, lyrical tone as she looked up to examine the surroundings around us. She looked around a little before finding nothing. She looked down at me now with eyes I could only describe as full of pity. She said a couple things before turning and heading in the direction she came from.
I know I should panic and be scared of what's happening to me. I died and was supposed to enter the light yet I was knocked away from it and I fell into deep darkness, waking up in a place unfamiliar. But in spite of that, I just couldn't muster up the energy. It's like all my emotions went dull except the emotion of pain. I should be happy that I'm still alive yet I couldn't feel an ounce of it. I just felt an emptiness settle in my chest. A feeling that could be described as despondency.
We walked a bit; a couple times the dog went away and came back with little animals like rabbits and snakes. During that time, the woman would wait in the spot, looking around her, sometimes grabbing vegetation that she would place in a fur bag that hung from her waist before looking down at me. During those small intervals, I actually took in her appearance.
She was an Asian woman who looked to be in her early 20s. She had healthy tan skin, monolid eyes*, and black hair that was tied into a bun to stay away from her face. Her brown eyes looked at me with such warmth that they reminded me of my mom's. She wore a traditional Chinese robe that looked similar to a Qiyao Ruqun*. However, instead of the vibrant colors and intricate designs a Qiyao Ruqun would have, this one was brown and ragged. There was no design if you didn't include the visible stitching that held everything together.
The outfit seemed to have been through a lot and so did the woman, based on the bags under her eyes and her cracked lips. When the dog brought her its tenth snake, she said something, and the dog no longer went out but instead walked in front of her. The further we walk; the more sounds of civilization appear. A couple times she was stopped by people, and each time she covered me from their sight with her body and sleeves.
When we made it to actual civilization, I was completely covered enough to be hidden but also be able to breathe. She would look down at me to see if I was okay and each time we made eye contact, she would smile at me.
Eventually, she made it to her destination as she stopped, removing one of her arms that held me to open the door. I was able to see that we were in a courtyard*, where women were walking about in the same white and green robes. Quickly, without anyone spotting her, she and the dog made it to one of the hallways, walking until she was at a door that she quickly opened and shut behind her.
She sighed before smiling as she walked further into the room. The space was the size of three master bedrooms, yet it still felt cramped as it was divided in two by a pingfeng*. What I could see was that the front was used as a medical ward. Plants were everywhere, hanging on the roof or in baskets on the high shelves and even on the floor. The smell of them caused the pain in my body to ease a bit, and it seemed the woman noticed as she chuckled.
She skillfully walked across the crowded floor as she made her way behind the pingfeng. On one side was a wooden bed that didn't look to be very comfortable, and on the other side there was a big pot that looked to be a tub and a wooden ladle that lay by it. The woman went to the bed and placed me down.
She held onto me to see if I was able to sit upright and seeing I could, she let go and stepped back, not very far but no longer very close like she has been for these last few hours. She said something to me, moving her hands enthusiastically. I thought maybe it was Mandarin, but it didn't sound very much like Mandarin, nor did it sound like Cantonese.
She talked for a bit, not minding my lack of response. Eventually she walked away, exiting the room entirely. I didn't move from my spot on the bed; I looked around a bit, admiring the structure of the room I only got to see through the internet. The dog, who was on the inner side of the room, peeked behind the pingfeng. Patting the place next to me was an unconscious move because of our dogs at home, yet I didn't mind the company. The dog, which looked to be a Chow Chow*, happily trotted and laid down beside me on the bed. Its black tongue stuck out as it did happy pants as it snuggled in, looking like a furry loaf of bread.
Laying down next to it, my back faced the body of warmth while I faced the pingfeng, which had a design of mountains and the sky with a mythical beast flying through the clouds. The environment wasn't very quiet as I listened to people outside. The women called out, and another answered. I heard the wind blow through the open window in the room, which kept the medicine scent from being overbearing. The bed I laid on wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Instead, it had enough softness and firmness to make it comfortable and good for the body.
I heard footsteps going through the hallway, thinking it was just another person walking through. I ignored it until it stopped at the door. Getting up from my laid position, I sat the same way I did when the woman placed me down. The Chow Chow only lifted its head before going back to its original position of being a furry loaf.
When the person came in, I thought it was the woman coming back, until I heard a tired-sounding sigh. The person didn't sound like a woman but a man, and I was proven correctly as his voice called out softly from the inner part of the room. Getting no response, another sigh resonated out as footsteps started walking towards where I'm at. Finally, the man walked into my sight.
He wore a much more decorative and fancier Qiyao Ruqun than the woman. It was dark blue with yellow stitching that was designed to look like flowers on a vine that went from his right shoulder to his left leg. He looked to be in his late twenties or early thirties, but just like the woman, he had bags under his eyes, and his head had creases from constant furrowing. His dark hair was slicked back and his amber eyes didn't look at anything around him, only focusing on the cabinet that was on the back wall right in the middle of the 'bedroom' and 'washroom.'
Opening the wooden cabinet doors, which looked to be the most expensive thing in the space, a painting was the first thing I saw. It was a painting of a toddler no older than three and underneath the painting were semi-fresh fruits and essence that the man quickly lit. On one of the cabinet doors, there was a plate of some stone material with words etched into it and on both doors, flowers were placed on the built-in edges.
The man looked at the painting silently as he kneeled before it. I could see tears in his eyes but they never fell beyond them. The man closed them while looking down. I saw his mouth moving with no words coming out. I sat there in silence, watching the whole thing. I breathed lightly so I wouldn't interrupt this quiet intimacy for him. When the essence finally evaporated, he breathed out more tiredly than he had before as he closed the cabinet door.
Finally, he saw me when he got up to face the bed. His face didn't show much emotion besides his eyebrows furrowing and his eyes blinking slowly as if trying to comprehend what he was looking at. No more did he show sadness as he looked at me and I looked at him. He stagnated for a bit before he said something but again, I didn't understand the language that the people spoke. Thus, we entered a silence once again, just staring at each other.
I looked at him more closely but gave up when I didn't really see anything noteworthy. All I can really think is that despite the bed not feeling as nice as my own bed, I still want to lie in it and sleep for eternity.
The game of staring contest was getting stale until the door of the room was opened and the surprised voice of the woman brought the man to look at her real quick before looking back at me. The door closed and hurried footsteps came our way as the woman continued to speak. Whatever she was saying caused the man's eyebrow to furrow more by the second as he looked down at me.
When she came into view, she was holding a large basin that had steaming water. She looked at him, saying something that made his eyesight go to her while she glared at him. Her brown eyes went to me and instantly the glare melted away and happiness was there instead as she smiled at me. She looked back at her husband one more time before walking towards the large pot and pouring the steaming water in there.
She dipped her hand in the water before nodding her head and going back to the inner part of the room. I heard her shuffle around in there while I looked at the man who was looking at the floor with a face that looked to be full of thought. Probably feeling my stare, he looked up, and once again we entered a staring contest, which he broke first as the woman came back with things in her hands. Most of the things she held, she placed in the pot, while the rest she set outside.
Finally, she walked up to me to pick me up and place me back down in the water of warmth. She sat by me on the stool, examining my face before smiling with a relaxed exhalation. She started talking while she grabbed a rag and dipped it into the water. She grabbed my hand as she started washing my arm after putting something on the rag that created suds. I watched as her face slowly changed from relaxed to confused. She rubbed harder, which caused me to flinch and her rubbing immediately became softer again.
She finally stopped rubbing and examined my arm in wonder. She looked at the man beside her and said something that made him walk over and crouch to the same height she sat at. He listened to her before reaching out to grab my arm and the rag from her hand. His grip was firmer than the woman's but it wasn't so firm that I wouldn't be able to pull away from it. He dipped the rag in the water and also started rubbing my skin. He rubbed for a bit before stopping; his face, which barely showed much emotion, finally broke as he showed one of surprise.
The two people, whom I believe to be husband and wife, started talking to one another while I slipped my hand from the man's grip. I looked up to them before sighing as I grabbed the rag from the man's hand, who had unconsciously let go. Using it, I started washing my skin, which desperately needed it. Finishing up, I ranged it out and gave it back to the man who was now watching me with the woman. I didn't bother looking at their faces as I touched my hair to feel my baby locs. I couldn't help but trace over the twists that reached down to my chin. These locks were the only things that connected me to my father, who started my loc journey when I was two.
Feeling the length, I can now judge that I was around three years old as I began washing them to the best of my current abilities. After deeming to be as clean as I possibly could, I stood from the water on wobbly legs that finally seemed to snap the woman from her stupor as she quickly grabbed me and brought me from the bath. She wrapped me around with a towel as she dried me off while speaking hurriedly. The man looked at her with restriction in his eyes and he said something that even I could understand as a clear refusal.
The woman paused and she was about to say something but the man held out his hand to stop her. He didn't get out of his crouching position as he spoke steadfastly. He looked over to the cabinet with the altar* and said something while gesturing towards it. During his talk, I felt the woman grow tense and when he gestured towards the cabinet, I felt her body become as strained as a drawn bow. I watched this with little to no interest as I wanted to get some clothes because I was getting cold until I felt drops of water landing on me.
Looking up, the woman was crying. Her mouth was sucked between her teeth as her red eyes looked to the ground as if trying to find something there. I felt her body start to shake as tiny muffled whimpers were heard at intervals.
It wouldn't take a genius to know what was going on. I didn't really question why she would pick up a toddler who looked to be abandoned in a grass oasis but now that I had put all the clues together, I was still able to find the answer.
She was using me as a replacement. Though the way I said it was crude and maybe that wasn't her primary intention, that was what she was subconsciously doing. This husband and wife lost a kid my age and it seems like the wife was taking it much more mentally than the husband. She couldn't even look at the cabinet, even though the altar wasn't in sight.
The man looked at her in worry and he reached out for her but she stepped back while shaking her head. She was saying something between her cries and her body shaking was getting worse.
Looking up at her, I was once again reminded of my mom. I couldn't help but wonder if she was like this back at home. Crying and deteriorating as the days go by since my death. Would she pretend that I wasn't dead? Or would she be like this woman who pretends I never existed to get away from the pain that seems to grip her at any mention of her child's existence? Such a thought made me feel sad—not for me but for the mother, for this woman. To be in so much pain that the only way to ease it is to forget the person you loved so much that your heart couldn't understand why they were taken away must've been so devastating. It was such a primal instinct that the body took over to get away from it.
I couldn't help but wipe her tears away with one hand while patting her back with the other. This might've been counterproductive in a way but I just couldn't help myself because I hoped that someone would do that for my mom. She was a hardheaded woman who had her heart on her sleeve, even though she pretends that she doesn't.
The woman sniffled while she looked down at me. I tried to give her a smile but it was rough, but I guess she didn't care as she gave me an equally rough smile of her own. I redrew my hands as she sniffled and wiped her face with her sleeve. She glanced at the cabinet for probably less than a second but it was progress, no matter how small it was. She said something to the man that caused him to sigh in relaxation and he nodded as he got up.
He walked to the front of the room and shortly returned with small clothing in his hands. First, she put on some undergarments before she put on a type of Shuhe Hanfu*. They were a little big on me, so I concluded that I'm wearing clothes that their son has never worn before. The woman adjusted my arm sleeves and my leg sleeves before leaning back onto her heels. She looked over me with a smile and a couple times she would reach out to rub my face or touch my hair. I didn't really like people touching my hair out of nowhere but I ignored it because she looked very curious about the locs and the pattern that separated them.
The man looked at us from the bed as he petted the Chow Chow. He looked to have aged a bit but he smiled softly whenever the woman said something. A couple times my eyes met his but I didn't see much emotion from him and it was probably the same for me as well. Today has been a very tiring day.