One thing this night made me do was,
first, lie on the floor,
second, fill my pillow with tears,
and third, assume that everything was going to be fine.
And I, for sure, shall clarify the second part.
After heading inside and laying myself flat on this bed, I found myself rising again after the thought came in that I should maybe head to Kate's apartment and pretend that I was in to take my phone, which maybe someone would think that I apparently left the phone there intentionally.
Anyway, that's how it all started.
Then, after reaching my room's door, a strange sensation caught me, a feeling of cloud darkness and estranged pain, and I found myself seated on the empty floor, contemplating nothing but thinking of my beloved Kate. And the next thing I knew, I was on the bed, and my pillow was feeling a little bit watery, something of an abnormal nature for me. The last time I cried was when my mother beat me for strangling my sister, and then I was barely ten years old; otherwise, it is when I chop off onions, and for sure these days, I am learning how not to tear from the onions.
But there is Kate.
And her having a child was strange to me too, but I just... I just did not want to think about it.
I was trying, I was…
****
The first light brought me in front of Kate's room.
I was still in my previous day's clothes, not yet changed of course; a lot of things had consumed my thoughts, and I had already knocked and I waited for someone to open.
I just hoped.
And the door clicked, the sound of someone opening, and out she came… Kate, a little sleepy.
"Good morning," I stated, smiling at her awkward gaze on me, and I still waited for her to at least motion me in. "Ehh, I left my phone, I guess I did, reason why I'm here," I added, and she just entered, as I followed her inside, only to find Funky sleeping on the goddamn couch, where I left him the previous day. He was still well-groomed as before, no need to count my judgment, but I believe it is normal for any man to feel a little bit bad. But well, I just ignored it and focused on what I wanted to take.
"Dude, grumpy, morning," Funky stated as I was leaving, and I heard Kate make a little chuckle, and I just... I just took my eyes off wherever I was going to step next and looked at Funky, raising my face into a slight nod.
"I see you watched overnight, pretty decent," I randomly stated.
"Thank God, your girl here let me stay, I was already wondering where I would lie, and we had a little bumpy talk last night," he stated, and I just nodded.
"Well, I... I am off to work, I... see you I guess."
"Dude, chill," Funky stated, now rising from the couch to wherever I was, I was inches away from leaving, "dude, would you talk to your boss, man? The holiday is pretty long; don't feel like heading home any time soon," he stated, and I just nodded.
"Cool," I added, and then looked at Kate, thinking, thinking... and then I just said it. She was my girl after all, and I needed... I mean it is sometimes okay to blow up your partner's phone once in a while when things do not feel right. "… Hey darling, can we go downtown market at least for some walk to my job?" I put on a really random smile. I don't know if she felt I was not happy with any of this, but she just nodded, entered her room...
her apartment was actually a one-bedroom, quite similar to mine; however, mine I was used to sharing with Luke, he still saves me with some amount of rent, so it's good.
So, she entered the room and came out wearing some black hood and grey sweats, put on some slippers with, of course, she had the Nike socks on, black, I loved them on her anyway. She was not speaking; it was all happening I know fast, but it just seemed time was delaying everything.
"Okay, see... see you, Funky; I'll hit you up on what happens," I stated, as Kate followed me quietly.
"Are you going to work with same clothes as yesterday?" Kate asked after we closed her door, right outside, and I shook my head.
"I will shower, and then we can leave together. I just... let's head into my room first," I stated, as I let my fingers caress hers, significantly, at the spur of the moment as we momentarily and steadily walked into my room and then stopped when I needed to open the door..,
Let her in first, and then I, and then closed the door.
"Nothing happened between Funky and I," Kate started before I would even remove the slippers I wore.
"Kate... I…"
"I know, Hayzii, darling, nothing happened. He just wanted to hang around," she stated and came near me, giving me a comforting hug. I should have pushed her away a little to maybe clarify that I needed her not to entertain Funky, but that would be a little pushy, and I would then be thinking about myself. I hated to be selfish.
"You should have come and at least stayed here with me," I stated, in between the hug, it came out nearly a whisper.
"I know, I... I realized, I tried to call you, your phone was at my place. I feared walking outside at night. And the rooms were separate, he was on the couch and I, in my room. You don't have to be insecure," she added, now looking at me intensely.
Whenever I was feeling insecure at most times, she would shrug it off, but the next day, she would speak about the situation and clear any airs. I was never the type of man who left unattended details for another time; I was the type who blew out my anger at the moment. That's why I left her yesterday night. If it were me, I would follow her right away and clear the air, but she... she was just different. She was just different from me. She just spoke to me about a situation when I have already made peace with it and accepted the situation, so then it was easier for me to just agree with her... like the pregnancy situation, like Funky.
And Funky was now becoming a problem; he needed to be fixed.
"I just don't want us to ruin this because of Funky. I'm just... if it were your brother, I would be okay, but Funky... Funky once liked you, I don't know if you get it. The... him liking you, and being here, being the first to know about the news, staying in your house till dawn... how do you expect me to accept it, I don't know... but I truly understand. I understand that if I was not mad, he would come and spend the night here with me. You would not come here because I left my phone and of course, the night... the nights are a little bit dangerous for ladies, and if you knocked I would have been knocked out... God...," I stated, laughing and then just neutralized everything. "Let me take a shower…" and with that I gave her a kiss. Knowing pretty well, if she knocked on this door, I was damned on the floor waiting for her, and I would rightfully be here, but for her, she of course... the night... I don't know about her and the night much, but all nights when drunk or after party she is always with someone, her friends, girl friends mostly with one of the girls' boyfriends or two of them. But anyway, she was expecting;
I needed to put her needs in front of mine, I just needed to.
After the shower, I wore casually for my pharmacy job; Kate was still waiting for me, she seemed glued to one of my anatomy books. I don't know what she was checking, but when I came near, she quickly closed the book, but I saw the page 42.
It was the expectancy book, of course, the anatomy of the gravid uterus.
It is all for my coursework, but now we are on a really large break. I just did not think much about it and the class, but I needed to read what she was checking so that maybe I would explain to her, or at least know what she has going on in her brain.
Of course, I know pregnancy, especially first-time expecting moms usually have a hard time accepting their situations; some have death wishes for themselves, others wish they were more careful.
Others end up hating their partners... and as I thought, suddenly Kate found the need to vomit and rushed to the toilet, and I was left in awe desperation. She had not taken anything damn...
One time...
Second time...
Third time...
One could tell all her lungs, stomach, and upper parts were being pushed out by whatever force that was causing her to vomit, and then
'she shouted give me water dammit'
and I rushed without hesitation for water.
As I came in to wherever she was, her eyes red, teary, and seeming worn out sitting on the wet floor from me showering, and I sat too opposite her, as she vomited the water she had gulped. I couldn't watch it; I became heartbroken as I saw her vomit endlessly, endlessly... endlessly, until I carried her into my bed, cleaned her mouth up, changed her into one of my larger t.shirts... and then ordered something for breakfast... and she wanted just tea, with no sugar and no milk, added ginger and brown bread...
"I am sorry... I am sorry..." I chanted over and over again until my phone rang from the chemist, and I had to leave, so I ran to call Funky for help... maybe that's why he was with her all along... I thought.
"Thanks man...," I stated as I left. Funky was preparing something for the girl, so I just somehow felt grateful. At least someone chimed in when I was unavailable.