I opened the door to my apartment; it was a little bit quiet. I was sure Aaliyah was asleep. I had gotten no girl into this place; she was the first, young and innocent. With me, I carried some bread and eggs for breakfast, some juice for the fridge, and some fruits, mangoes, and apples that a patient's family had given me after I told them that their patient had survived the night and would surely survive even this day.
I first entered the couch and lay a little bit, not wanting to disturb Aaliyah in the guest room. I was, of course, exhausted; I had done a lot yesterday. Today was an all-night shift too, and tomorrow as well, especially tomorrow, a huge surgery awaited. There is indeed a patient with a blood-pumping problem; it is giving me a headache thinking about how I will deal with him. Thank God I am not alone in this; I shall be accompanied by more experienced doctors. At least my career is cruising nicely. Most doctors do not prefer having a youngster on their team; they prefer themselves, three or two, accompanied by as many surgical nurse practitioners as possible.
"You've arrived." Aaliyah's sleepy voice was heard; I was sure she was behind me at the moment. And so, I raised my eyes to look at her; she was sleepy, the eye rubbing and constant yawning made her kind of cute.
Almost catching me staring, I averted my eyes right after she finally rubbed off the sleep in her eyes. But my eyes were not the most pretentious as they landed straight on the shortness of the large t-shirt she wore; it barely even hid her beautiful brown thighs. And hell, I was starting to have wild thoughts; I needed to get a hold of myself, so I forcefully placed my eyes on the floor as I removed my feet from the top comfort of this couch.
"How has...," I wanted to speak, but it seemed a lot fogged my mind, so I just made a little cough and started, "how has the night been?"
"Great." She stated with a slight smile as she made herself comfortable next to me, the t-shirt rising slightly. I was a sucker for brown thighs or, better off, light thighs; any man was... well, I don't prefer using the word many men, let me just be subjective, I, I did... chocolate was pretty too. Anyway, women's legs were a means to an end for any man... and here I was, with Elvis's younger sister, with God knows what other piece of cloth she wore inside, but with very provocative and eye-catching physique of interest, her thighs... and I was tired. When tired, my self-control was always at its negative level, and in the morning, my sexual urgencies were always at the highest level. And here we were, silent, as if both of us were contemplating things, but her thoughts, I did not know. But mine, mine were just here, on her, on her, and my mind was thinking of nothing but her... only that it was not thinking of her in the most gentlemanly manner, it was thinking of her as any man does when he sees a woman on the streets... oh well I said every gentleman, well I, I should... ignore that, but I...
I was already thinking, I did not even notice that we were already staring at each other, or better off, my eyes could not pretend any longer, they just never do, not like my face's jaw, which would just clench, or my smile whose mouth would just rub it off. My eyes never lied when it came to a woman, when it came to wanting a woman... but this seemed different, it was not the stare I gave to 'others' it was a stare of thoughts, fear, urgency, and desire. It was a stare, I knew, I knew that if I were to make a move, I would have to stand up for it. With 'others' it was more of just a stare, a stare of now, but this held then, tomorrows. And the day after tomorrows.
"Are you going to stare all day?" Aaliyah asked... her voice soft, but one that all the muscles in my ears heard and echoed, making my whole body vibrate to her statement. And my mind was still blank, but my eyes just slightly lowered to her lips... she had beautiful lips, I don't know if I ever took time describing them, but they were beautiful, especially now. She had not taken her time drawing them, with the different glosses ladies love, natural and beautifully pink, heart-shaped lips, better described, full, and as if ready to be embraced. And my breathing already, my breathing had started pacing; I had never taken this much time when wanting to kiss a girl...
And before I thought... her... she, Aaliyah... Elvis... whatever... kissed me, closed the distance.
Yes, closed the distance, and I, at first surprised, paced the moment and won over her want for control and devoured her lips. Eyes closed, my lips on her soft plummy ones, eating her as if she were my only surviving foodstuff... and I knew this would never become just a kiss, as I found my hand already devouring her thighs, not yet... or better... in fear that if I touched her, I could not stop, but I just could not stop. It had been a while since I indulged in sex... it had been a while, and my breathing was already echoing, hers was still there, but of course... and my left hand just slightly held her,raised her and made her sit on my lap. Whatever we were having I did not care, but now I wanted her, the t-shirt she wore was already exposing her, and heaven, she had slept without even her panties... I already felt on top of the world.
One thing led to another. First was throwing the little t-shirt off her; second was me, with her help, fighting to remove my over-worn suit clothes. I regretted, at the spur of the moment, why I had so many clothes on. The next was me taking her into my room—a place I had never brought anyone, and somewhere my mind, in its conscious state, would never bring someone in. But she was the one who opened its door, so I just accepted, as I kicked the door closed and laid her on the bed, still with my lips on her... with my groin already hurting, seeking entrance somewhere. "Protection," my mind screamed, "protection." I was not sure I had one; I really was not sure. I had stopped buying them, and Luke took some with him last time he visited. So, a little bit awkward and nervous, I gave the girl a slight kiss and then quickly went to my personal item bag to look for it. First, in the small pockets, nothing; in the larger part of the bag, nothing.
Of course, I had the notion I did not have them, and I thought of running to the chemist downtown to buy one, maybe telling her, "Hold the feeling." But my groin was hurting so bad, I was really hurting. It had been some time since I experienced this type of intimacy pain, the one where your mind is screaming to just fuck the world and insert, and the other one where you know and have learned from the consequences. So I just came to her; maybe I should pleasure her with my fingers, but this would be too much for me. I could not take it.
"I... my... eh..." I stuttered, an uncommon thing for me during my demon times, but she just looked at me, and I wondered what she thought.
"Without is spicier," she stated and pulled me in. If I remember correctly, she had stated it was indeed her first time; she had never done it. During my previous encounter with her, I kissed her either way, as she locked her legs onto my waist, as my groin was already touching her privates... and her whimpers... and then I just slid two fingers into her instead, hoping I would not feel a sense of disappointment in her, as I felt her juices embrace me, and the hotness inside, and I was already huge, it was hurting... so I just stopped myself.
"... I can't... without protection, I... I can't... risking," I mumbled words, I did not even know where they came from, and she looked surprised as I removed myself from her top to her side, as she closed her legs, but my right hand still on her right thigh.
I... maybe she thought a lot. Of course, not many like me would hesitate to have sex with someone, but I just could not. The first time I did it with someone, something happened, and that was the shift of my life since then. I just can't do it. She was still quiet.
"Is it cold?" I asked her, trying to maybe make a conversation, but she was still silent.
"... the duvet is hot," I added, trying again. I had never tried making a speech with a girl since I don't know when. But I made myself rise and unfold the duvet as I perfectly placed it on top of her. And of course, I was still naked and aroused, the fuck, but I was trying all I could to ignore the feeling down there. I was just trying to distract myself with all sorts of thoughts, even though it meant bringing a past person into my thoughts. That was inappropriate, though.
"Here, let me hold you," trying to put my arms around her, after also making myself comfortable inside the duvet, and she just let me, still quiet... until I heard a little whimper from her. Was she crying? I questioned. A woman's tears were not something I enjoyed being in view of. All my life I have seen those tears, from my one person, the one who provided me an opportunity to see what sort of world this is.., my mother. And now here I was, not sure of what to do, and I knew I needed to say something, but I had nothing to say... I just could not do it.
"I will go, I will go to the chemist," I stated suddenly, not even realizing, I feared she thought I was refusing to bed her.
"Hayzen, you love yourself too much," she started, "Don't you see it?" she added, and I had nothing to say. "I called you a thousand times yesterday, and all you give me is 'go to my house and cook and sleep.' Here I am, trying to give you this, maybe this is the reason you are distancing yourself from me because I refused to offer you the other day. And now you state you want protection? Is that all I am to you? Someone to play with? What do you want from me, Hayzen? Would you just tell me?" And she finished, and now it was my turn to talk, and I had nothing to say. Even the reason behind being called selfish, I never had... even the reason why she felt this way, I never had an idea of whys.... I needed time to think of the perfect answer, like... so I just scratched my head, as the lighting already embraced the room.., of course it was morning.
"Do you have classes today?" I questioned, and she shrugged, threw the duvet, and took the pillow on her side and threw it at me.
"Don't you get it?" was what she just said, as she left the room, after even throwing some of my pictures at me., which were lying on the side bed table... and I heard her bang the door to the guest room.
And I lay motionless on the bed, as I looked at the ceiling... I felt nothing.