Today was a tough day. I finally got to a place in which I started really thinking and reevaluating everything and anything. With that being said I came to some conclusions that were hard to face but at the same time needed to be said out loud as well as to my husband. So I sent him a message in the system!
"I do love you and that won't change easily but you are not good for me. You have turned me into someone doing things that I vowed to never do. I have lost so much of myself. You are delaying My success! I was more successful without you then I was with you which two should be better than one! You are a hindrance to my journey. So if you can't change and be the man I need you to be when you are released you need to divorce me. I was the wife you needed but you were not the husband I needed. You have destroyed me over and over again.
You committed adultery and cheated with just your thoughts. Yes the ones you won't admit to! NEVER should you be thinking about sex, cuddles, spending time with or what it would be like to be with anyone but me. And as soon as you do that is when you have already cheated on me. That is why I hate you watching porn. Porn is opening the imagination to ideas that may or may not be possible in our marriage. As soon as you open that door it is a matter of time before you want that in your heart and eventually your body follows suit. Because the desires are so intense! So when you close your eyes and imagine other people or other things that you have never done with me is when you are starting to step out on our marriage. And that is unacceptable to me!"
Finally putting these things in writing made me feel better so I finished it out! Maybe it would have been better to say to his faith than to send in a message but he made to the choice to be sitting in jail instead of sitting with me or at his parents house.
"After the hotel you should have sucked it up and came home! But you made the choice to keep shooting up and not come home! It is hard to admit I still want and love you. When you publicly did me dirty as fuck and everyone knows about it. So I can't get back with you without looking foolish as fuck since you will do it again. I can't make childish decisions with you! You acted so petty towards me like I was just some bitch off the street. I am your wife and you were running the streets and on social media publicly showing your infidelity to the world.
Do you understand how betrayed I feel?
Not only did your mother betray us. But she informed your baby momma that we were trying to get our ducks aligned so that you could get visitation with your daughter and that we were pregnant. That was not your baby momma's business. But that is your mother and you can deal with her because I had only just started trusting her again in October. I'd cut her off in July. So apparently she will keep doing that shit and seeking attention even if it means betraying the people whom matter. And her being willing to protect her son before her grandchildren means I can't trust her with our kids. I never thought that the person who would be the most understanding would be your father. But yes, your father, understands my position that I love my husband with all my heart but he made sure I was taunted by his choices. Your baby momma, ex-girlfriend and your mother are the problem for you to deal with and if they cross me again I will let my hellhound loose on them! But I can't believe you so publicly let everyone know you are unfaithful. Your entire town knows because of them. And I hurt so bad!"
Not placing blame and giving him the responsibility of defending and standing up for what is right will show in due time. He will eventually have to put his foot down or continue allowing the behavior to effect his wife and unborn child! If he picks his mother over his wife than that just says more about the way he was raised and what he values. He couldn't pick his mother but he picked his wife and you should stand beside your wife everyday of your life even when you made mistakes!
I know my friends and family will not be supportive of my heart's desires to still be with my husband. But at the end of the day it's not their decision to make and anybody that cannot support our relationship should not be a part of our lives. And that is a tough pill to swallow right there is to ask the people that love me and care about me to stand back and let me make my own choices no matter how painful they are for me and to still love and support me all the while!!! Nobody wants to see the people that they love in pain or turmoil but sometimes it's a choice that they need to make for themselves and the hardest thing to do is to be supportive as they make those choices.
That is a part of loving somebody that people always seem to forget; whether it be family or friends or spouse! It's easy to love somebody that does what you want them to do. It's easy to love somebody that listens when you tell them they're making a mistake; but it's hard to watch somebody make a mistake and continue staying in it; and to still love and support them all while they're doing that. Forgiveness is a big part of loving someone and someday I do hope to be able to forgive my husband; but first I must heal myself, forgive myself and truly find myself again to decide that.
In my singleness I will have to find my purpose, personality, parameters, and place again. I will be single but not alone as a married woman! Haha... That even sounds dumb to me when hearing it said out loud. I am married, but I will live my life as if I am in a committed long distance relationship. I will hang out with friends and not be alone on my journey but I will not entertain anyone on a personal sexual, emotional or mental level. I need to find myself first, heal second, and become my best version before I can evaluate my marriage, possibly forgive, get closure or move forward with a divorce! So that is what I am going to do!!!