If you don't know what brain dumping is then look it up and you'll understand that this chapter is going to definitely be all over the place I may jump forward backward and in between so please excuse me.
Some of the memories that I have are still probably fogged but we are going to try to let this all out and then maybe reorganize it at another time or maybe I'll just publish it the way it's hitting me.
Having your spouse whose a white male call you on the phone in an erratic, hostile, emotional state using the "n" word over and over again felt so disrespectful. And to have a voicemail left on your phone in which he's yelling at some body else who I am assuming is of color just put me in a state of dumbfoundedness and withdrawal, frustration, irritation and a strong level of disrespect. Again the excuses do not justify the actions no matter what a white man married to a African American female should never even allow that word to be a part of his vocabulary, mental state or a thought to be used as a weapon. What does that say about him? Not to mention for our mixed and biracial children...
Regularly being told that it was my fault that 8 hours after our baby's sonogram in which we got to see our child wave at us for the first time he stuck his penis in another woman's mouth and somehow found the audacity within himself to blame me that it was my fault. That if I wouldn't have told him to leave and that I couldn't deal with seeing him he wouldn't have felt so emotionally distraught that he made the choices he made.
Having been lied to every day for 11 months over his use of Suboxone and drugs to deal with the stress was my fault because he didn't feel that if he told me he was still taking the medicine that I would have judged him and not been understanding. So he proceeded to lie to me for months and it was my fault that I wasn't trustworthy enough to not make him feel bad about it if he would have told me the truth.
Having an addict tell you that it's your fault they didn't come home after relapsing because they didn't want you me to see them that way in that state. And having them tell you that over and over for 3 weeks straight that they're just uncomfortable coming home because they don't want to be judged or viewed in that light as their high or coming down from drugs. That is something that emotionally scars you to know that you're spouse doesn't trust that they're safe with you or that you don't have their best interest in mind or more so that you aren't worthy enough to see them at their worst and support them to help them get back to their best.
Abuse is very subjective and it's really hard for some people to say well that's not mental or emotional abuse but they've never experienced those same experiences to know what it feels like in those moments and at that exact moment in time all of the flushing, raging, uncontrollable emotions and you don't know which one's strongest, which ones are real or which ones are you overthinking everything. The things that may hurt one person mentally and emotionally and could be devastating to them could be something that somebody that has more regulation and training till not allow people to have such an effect on them would just shrug off. And for somebody like me who has always been everybody else's lighthouse and everybody else's calm in the storm because of my ability to not control my emotions but not show my emotions or a reaction necessarily until you cross my boundaries or a line that can't be uncrossed I seem like everybody's calm. Well deep inside I am hurt, angry, upset, crying out, and so much internal pain, and total emotional despair, or feel broken and so damaged that it doesn't feel like there's going to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
So many people mistake my strength for something that it's not. I am not strong by my own choices I am strong because other people forced me to have to be and it hurts every time that I have to struggle to pull that strength out of my body and be that person that feels nothing and has no response to the damage you're causing me in that moment. So many people say it to me like it's a freaking compliment but it's not it's actually an insult because that means I have repetitively in my life been put in positions in which I had no choice to be but to be strong and now that's all everybody sees in me. Not something that I want to be but something I was forced to have to be.
Being in love with an addict isn't easy at all there is so much that's not talked about, or discussed, or even thought about because not many people want to know what it's like to be in love with an addict. It's painful that some of the greatest memories were tainted and constantly weighed down by their active addiction and a choice that they made that ruined what should have been a great memory. And reliving that over and over and over causes so much pain no matter how much you try to let go of that hurt you are triggered by their active addiction or that choice or that memory.
Until the day I die every time I see my fourth child and think about the first time that I got to see them on a sonogram and they waved at us it will be my trigger that catapults me into the memory of my husband sticking his penis in another woman's mouth and his parents basement while high. That's a memory that you can't forget or outrun or let go because every day you will see your children and every day you will remember that moment and you will feel those feelings and you will be reminded of that pain. Those are the moments that being married and in love with an addict are tainted by.
When my husband messaged other people and I got to read all of those messages to and from back and forth and imprinted them in my brain. So now more than ever I will never respond well to being called any nickname by any man. I don't want to be called little mama, sweetheart, gorgeous, mistress, honey or any name that my husband called many other women every time that he cheated and relapsed because those will also be triggers for me. Wish that sounds so stupid to say that a guy giving me a nickname could trigger me and maybe one day I will get past that and I will heal from that but as of right now it just disgusts me and makes me want to punch somebody in the face. But even before my husband I was one that wasn't a fan of nicknames just because all my guy friends and brother told me that if a guy gives you a nickname within your first week of meeting it's typically because he's talking to other women and he doesn't want to call you by the wrong name so he gives you all nicknames.
The confusions also another thing that comes with being married to an addict and someone that is abusive mentally and emotionally. Not knowing what things were real and what things were just him telling me what I wanted to hear causes so much confusion inside the brain for an overthinker. Wondering if all those times that he told me he loved me and that I was his whole world, his heart, his soulmate was any of that really real or was all of that what he needed to tell me to put me at ease.
Not knowing if he actually is even sexually attracted to me or if I was just a placeholder for him to take out his sexual urges and desires without any effort, time, money or energy. Having to decide what moments that I held close to my heart and that genuinely make me cry when I think about them or are they even real to him or was it all just an act. That level of confusion is like torture and is just a mental overload of stress, anxiety, frustration, curiosity, and sometimes even humor.
Even thinking back to the moments that were good of us dancing in the rain or going to the Other Place for dinner or even date nights that weren't planned but the long time just one-on-one felt really good. I don't know if any of that was real for him or if it was all just an act. That haunts me every night every time I think about him and every time that I think about our children and how all of this came to be. Every time that he ever said sorry has been canceled out by him still repeating the same negative, emotionally damaging, abusive, neglectful, harsh and totally disrespectful behavior. Not knowing if you can ever believe a word that ever came out of your significant other's mouth is traumatizing and so much pain with no way to release it or to recover.
I wonder if I ever really knew anything about my husband at all. I don't know if he's really actually a homebody that prefers to be away from people and doesn't like social interactions anymore. I am not sure if he really likes my cooking and if he always was happy with the dinners I made or if he was just saying that to try to make me feel better to get what he wanted. I don't even know if he actually enjoyed all of our sexual interactions or was it just a way for him to release his frustration and have his needs met regardless of how I felt. There is very little that I can say with confidence anymore that I know about my husband and that is a scary thought in itself. Like did I marry a man that could be a murderer, rapist, a molester or even a psychopath. What do I even know about him anymore at this point?