My Darling husband,
So there is so much that I need to say but as I am writing this you are still in jail. I stopped putting money on your books and expect that you have already found your plan B girlfriend. I have thought long and hard about everything but had to break contact to clear my heart and mind.
You have no respect for me, our relationship and our marriage. You being a liar has cost us so much and I refuse to accept it anymore. I am strong enough to endure being in a relationship with you but as you once asked me "if I get to the point I am just enduring it that I need to tell you so we can end things!" Well we are at that point.
Drugs did not make you cheat. The pills did not make you cheat so stop lieing. You are not the first married man in history with an addiction. You cheated by choice because you don't value yourself, me or our commitment in marriage.
So you proved with your actions that you are not committed and after seeing all the choices you made while out of our home I see that clearly now. I will not be manipulated anymore by you or anyone else. I have no trust in anything you say to me, our entire relationship feels like tons of lies and I do not know you at all. I have no idea if any of my memories of us were real or were you pretending and just trying to play a role to get the love you needed?
You must forget. I started dating you after my son's 18th birthday meaning I was a single mom doing it all alone with no help, state assistance or anything for 18 years before you. And I have the strength and discipline to do another 18 years alone without you! So if you want to truly fix this than it is time you fight all your demons and change.
Telling me you love me, you are sorry and all the other bullshit you can conquer up means nothing. There will not be any blaming your wife for your choices, behavior, addiction, relapses or lies. You need to grow up and take responsibility for yourself, our marriage and your kids. I kept records of everything in several places so if you want to play that game I will happily play and win!
I don't want to fight you or be at war with you. But I have taken enough BULLSHIT. As soon as you even form the words to put any of this on me is you declaring war on me and I will fight, I will play dirty as fuck and I promise you (you know how competitive I am) I will win.
I am done playing this game; but if you want to keep at it then I am not playing according to your rules! So if you want to fix this and us you need to make your actions back up your words. And here is how...
First, until a judge has signed off on it and slammed that gavel then you are a married man so if you email, text, hit up on social media, date, sleep with or in any way entertain another person mentally, emotionally, physically or sexually than you are cheating. That includes porn. Maybe celibacy would help you redirect your energy to changing. But unless it is with me and only me than if I find out you give anyone that kind of attention we will again be at war.
Secondly, you need major therapy and some EMDR treatments to heal the damage within you. If you figure out what trauma you endured as a child than accept and heal from it than I think that could solve your problem with taking anal when high. As well as possibly cheating as a whole. But until you are going weekly for over two months then your demons will just haunt me, our kids as well as you!
Thirdly, the relapsing and lieing has to end. So until you have a sponsor and are going weekly to meetings than we have nothing to discuss. You have relapsed three times in 2023 alone. I don't have the strength to do this every four or five months with you. If you aren't going to help yourself than I am foolish to keep trying to help you!
Fourth, you need to learn yourself and love yourself. You hold so much in and rely on other people's desires, love and attraction to you but internally you hate who you are. You can't keep fighting it because it is just creating more demons for you to run from.
Fifth, you will not be given the opportunity to harm your children anymore. If you can't be consistent with all of your children than you need to walk away. Your ego needs to take the backseat and you need to do what is best for the child. No matter how much you love them or want to be there it is not the same as actually doing it. But if you dare talk to you future spouses about me calling me names, saying I am keeping you from your kids or any of the shit you say about your daughters mother directed about me than that again is you declaring war and I will ruin you! You don't want your kids around a meth head either and you know it! Your actions got you hear so quit blaming the world. Man the fuck up!
Lastly, my love... I am your wife! I will always have love for you no matter what. An annullment, divorce or death could not EVER change that fact. But if I am really your soulmate, the love of your life, where your heart lies than I should be the one person on this planet that you are willing to go all in, give 200%, and truly fight like hell to change for. If you aren't willing to change for me than it proves that you NEVER EVER loved me at all.
So the ball is in your court! What are you gonna do with it???
Love Always & Forever,
Your One and Only,
Your wife