So for the last 3 days I have just been feeling the betrayal, accepting all of those feelings and emotions of resentment, anger and hurt. And I would like to say that some point I will be able to forgive my husband and just move on with my life to be happy. But I can't say that right now at this point. I hope that day comes at some point in time it's just definitely not going to be today.
The things that hurt the most wasn't necessarily the cheating, compulsive lieing, degrading and belittling, or even the name calling. The most hurtful part of all of this was that he took away my free will. I feel violated because he manipulated me and lied to me to see the person that he wanted me to see for me to marry him. But there is zero proof and probably a higher chance I would have still married him if I would have known all his secrets, if he would have been 100% honest with me from the beginning when we started dating and if I had a better understanding of him. But he never gave me the opportunity to accept him for who he was because I don't think that he truly has accepted who he is.
So not only does it feel like my free will was violated but it feels like although he says he loves me he never really trusted me. And it's not just trusting me with the sexual things but trusting me to fully see him at 100% honesty, that 100% of who he is; like I showed him me. I was totally honest from the very beginning I never pretended to be anybody that I wasn't and I didn't lie because I didn't feel the need or desire to. I prefer to live my life to know that if I said or did something that was maybe offensive that I did it out of clear conscience and I'm not sorry in the way of my actions or choices but I am sorry if they had an effect or offended someone. Just blatantly lying to your spouse whom you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with, thinking that you could cover that up for the rest of your life is deceitful, hurtful and just morally wrong.
So I have been just letting that register in my brain and my heart to just feel those emotions and accept them as much as they hurt and bring me pain but accepting that pain with an open heart and open mind. Oh yes that's a part of me needing to move on, or how to cope and to not submerge although those feelings or emotions until I bubble over and just start lashing out at everybody around me. The only way that I could see as to not let that happen would be to deal with those feelings and emotions as I feel them and hand them over to God.
There's very few people that I trust with most of my feelings and emotions at this point. My level of disgust with the cheating is still extremely high because I just naturally frown upon that kind of behavior. I would never want to cause that kind of emotional turmoil or distress on another human being and expect them to be able to continue living their life. If I have that level in lack of respect for my partner than I would have ended the relationship with my partner then to go behind their back, cheat on them and have other partners without their knowledge. Even if they agreed to it or whatever it's still just not who I am as a person and that's not somebody I want to be.
I had the worst dream of my life or know I'd say the second worst. I had a dream that the transgender female that he cheated on me with got me to meet up with her in public and rendered me unconscious and took me back to her place; in which she began to rape and beat me to about an inch of my life. And that I woke up 7 days later after the doctors put me in a coma and kept me in it for 6 days to let my body and mind try to heal from having 23 broken bones and five slipped discs in my back and extensive damage vaginally and anally. As well as my broken ribs had punctured my lung and kidney causing internal bleeding in which they had to give me blood transfusions. And when I woke up in the hospital I had lost 3 months of memory so I didn't remember any of the last 45 days that have been hell. The best they could do was police officers, my son's and doctors pieced together everything that happened and got my husband to explain the events as best as he could and then work from there. And eventually in the dream I guess his parents finally said enough was enough and that they were done with him and his sister disowned him.They wanted nothing to do with him. And I guess my family all showed up and everyone wanted to kill him. And I didn't remember any of it so they were all heartbroken when I didn't blame him for everything that happened to me even as I healed through the process. But luckily I survived though I had a long journey ahead of learning to walk again and a hip replacement in mid thirties was unheard of necessarily as a necessity but she had broken my hips so they had no choice. But our baby survived the war that was taken on my body as a consequence for my husband's choices of sleeping with someone and then cutting them off and never talking to them ever again. As I woke up in the hospital they had to explain to me that my husband had been transferred from the jail to a mental health facility because he tried to commit suicide and was full of regrets and guilt.
Honestly when I woke up I didn't even know how to feel about the dream. I know I was in tears and had a level of fear that it was a possibility. Now with that dream in my mind I definitely would not meet up with anybody that has had sexual interactions with my husband out of fear of what they may do to me or my unborn baby.
I'm not sure if that dream was more of a sign or a punishment or just my mind playing tricks on me but maybe documenting it and coming back to it at a later time will bring me clarity. At some point in time I'm going to have to start making decisions on how I want to move forward in my life and how I want to protect our children even if that means from their own father. And as painful of a thought as that is it's what is expected of me as a wife and a mother. Knowing that in my heart I still love him and I'm still head over heels for him he's just making everything a little bit harder because I know I should hate him and I hate the things he did but I can't hate him as a person.
So to say in the least I will definitely be on my knees and give God at least 15 minutes of my day everyday until I find the peace and the pain slowly starts disintegrating. I don't want to be full of hurt and pain. I don't want to be so full of resentment and anger that I'm taking it out on the rest of the world. And I feel as if there is nothing I should feel guilty for besides not familiarizing myself with the man I married before I married him. But I tend to have a trusting heart and I took a leap of faith which just didn't work out for me. That is something we're going to have to live with for the rest of my life and his. I don't even believe in divorce and now that seems like the only possibility for me to make it through the next 5, 10, 18 years.
Think sometimes lay in bed wondering what he's thinking about or if he even feels guilty or any regret for his decisions and choices. And I know that he's already living with so much regret and guilt with his daughter but one of the reasons he laughed was to get space and clarity to be a better man, husband and father. But now he's going to have to live with even more regret of not being present to the birth of our child, not being present for one year anniversary, and so many more events in between before he's even released from jail. And for somebody that already has so much guilt and regret to add more on top of it will break my heart to see how he ends up but I can't make his choices for him. And I can't support the way that he treats me, the way he treats himself, or how he proceeds going forward towards our kids.