Monday. No class schedule.
Today is my schedule to clean my room. And I'll finally buy a printer so it won't be a hussle when I want to print something whether it's for school or for personal use.
But when we got there and we finally bought a printer, we were about to try to connect my laptop to it but my laptop is now broken. The screen just went black all of the sudden. We thought it was just a low battery but we tried to charge it but it still black out. So, we left my laptop to the technician and will get it back on at least one to two weeks from now.
The owner suggested just buying a desktop instead of using a laptop only.
"You'll be saving more money when you buy a desktop instead of constantly repairing the laptop. Laptops are only for small purposes only. They can't be used for huge purposes, especially when… you're in college, right?"
"Yes. Nursing student."
"Nursing. See? Laptop will really die, especially when your university program is something that has lots of activities. Even if it's just the basic desktop it will be a huge help. Think about it."
"Okay…"
We went home, and the day went by like always. I slept early to talk to Vin, since he said he'll ask me something. I also want to tell him the news about the printer, though I know he can see everything. But still, it excites me and such a shame at the same time because I've been wanting to print a lot of photos and information files nowadays.
"You're early today." Vin said with a smile, but he seems different today.
I tilted my head, "Yeah I am. I want to talk to you a bit longer. And you said you have something to ask me."
He sat down on the usual white floor, "Yeah, I uh… I have something to ask you. But also, on your birthday, I have something even more important to ask you."
I sat down in front of him, "On my birthday? Why not now? That's almost a month from now. Are we really gonna wait that long?"
He caresses my hand gently while looking at it, "I want it to be a little more special, and I don't think it's the right time to ask you that right now."
"Then, what are you gonna ask me now?" I asked, caressing his hand back.
He looked straight into my eyes, "Remember just having them as your type of connection or something?"
I blinked a few times to catch up, "Oh, you mean Devyn and the others? Yeah, they were just a connection. Or just so I won't be lonely. Why?"
"What about now?"
"What do you mean?"
"Do you still see them as just a connection, or are you starting to see them as your friends?"
I was speechless by the sudden question of his. I didn't expect him to ask this. I thought he was going to ask me to finally have sex with him. "Umm…" I started, rubbing the back of my neck, "I don't really know." I looked down at his hand caressing mine, "Maybe, I'm starting to see them as my friends, but at the same time, there's still a wall. Something that stops me from showing who I really am, or stopping me from opening up."
I sighed, "But… I think… they're becoming someone special to me. I just don't know if I should show them that to let them know, or keep it the way it is because it might suffocate them and drive them away from me. So, I guess yeah. I'm starting to think of them as my friends because I'm scared to lose them. I don't know. I can't really explain it further—"
Then suddenly, I just felt that the hand that was just caressing mine a few moments ago became a cold atmosphere. I looked at him and once again, he looked like he was in pain, and started glitching. "Vin?" And once again, I can't touch him or talk to him. As if he can't hear me.
Tuesday, barely 1 AM, and I tried to sleep again and again and again. But I can't see him in my dreams. He's gone. I went to school, and told Devyn about it all, but she assured me that maybe Vin was on his way to be alive again. I don't know if I should be happy or be nervous or be anxious.
Break time, all of them went to the cafeteria and I decided to stay in the classroom and have a quick nap. I did, and I went to my dreams, but just like this morning, he was not there. As soon as they came back, I woke up, "He's not there…"
"Who?" Tesha asked, but I didn't reply back, since she doesn't know anything about it. "Did you have a dream?" She asked again, and I just nodded.
While Devyn and I stared at one another and I could see how worried she was towards me. But I just stayed quiet, and went through the day.
I got home, and mom wasn't there. They traveled to Center City to buy some things for our small business. Then, my mom messaged me.
Mom: Check the car if it's locked.
So I checked it, and it wasn't.
Me: It's not locked.
Mom: Get the bag from the back of the car and hide it.
I took the bag, and I put it on the chair in the dining room for a moment since I'll eat before I go to the bedroom. But after eating, I forgot to take the bag with me inside the bedroom, and when my mom got home, she got really mad.
"You just left this in the dining room? What if someone like a thief goes inside the house! You know what's inside this bag! (Money)"
But instead of admitting that I forgot about it, I tried to make up an excuse, just like a normal 18 year old daughter.
"I will see if someone goes inside or someone opens the light. I can see it through the door."
"And then what? If you see the light goes on, you'll come out?"
"Yes."
"But I opened the lights, yet you didn't come out."
"Well, because I know it's you."
And then she got really mad, and I don't talk anymore. Because I know it's my fault. I'm really not in the mood because I'm thinking about Vin. So when my mom's starts to get louder, and suddenly she involved my friends, "When it comes to your friends, uou immediately do what they say. But something I ask you to do, you always fail to do it. 3 PM exam time, yet you leave the house at 10 AM just for a friend!"
And that's when I reached my limit, though I know I shouldn't have. "Why are you speaking like it was all for me? I'm leaving the house early to study my lessons, to pass my exams, yet why does it look like my fault?"
"Why do you have to leave the house that early to study lessons? Can't you just do it here? It's for your friend!"
"Study here? At this house? When all you do is ask me to do this and do that even when I'm studying. Then when I get low scores, you all get mad and disappointed."
"It's all for you!"
"For me? No! It's all for you. I'm doing this for you. I'm studying for you. I will graduate for you. I'm an investment, am I not?"
"What?! Investment?! How?! When did I—?!"
"'You're the only chance of this family. You're the only daughter we have to lift us up in the future.'" I mocked, "Am I not an investment that way?"
"Then stop studying! Stop going to school!"
"Yeah? And when I do, you want me to pay everything to you? From my tuition to my allowance."
"I won't. Stop going to school from now on."
I laughed while tears flowed down, "Just for money, we went through all this yelling."
"If you just admitted that you forgot about it."
"Oh, and then what?" I chuckled sarcastically, "You'll say, 'you forgot about it, but you don't forget about your friends.'"
"Well, it's true—"
"See?" I chuckled, "All because of money. Money can really ruin everything. You just got home and the first thing you did was yell at me."
"So what do you want me to do? Congratulate you? Be happy? Oh, I'm sorry. I should've congratulated you. I'm sorry, okay? Thank you and congrats that you just left the bag that I asked you to hide." She mocked and sarcastically said to me. "It's your fault to begin with."
"I know. That's why I didn't say anything at first, right? All I did was explain myself, and then I went quiet. But you went on and on and on, and you even included my classmates on it."
But because we're both mad and hot, it didn't end well. And since that time, I don't have anything sharp near me that I can use to cut my wrist, I scratch my skin as if tons of mosquitoes bit me. I scratched over and over and over.
"Don't just do that. Go ahead, take that sharp little knife of yours and cut your wrist." My mom sarcastically said. I just continued scratching my arms, until I felt pain on them. But it's still not enough, so I took the knife and cut my wrist. And then I cried quietly, as I fell asleep.
I woke up in my dreams, looking down at the white floor while blood from my scratches and wrist were dripping. Suddenly, I noticed someone standing in front of me. I looked up and as if I had seen a ghost, my eyes widened when I saw him.
I immediately slapped him in a mixture of anger and pain, "Where have you been?! Glitching again?!" But instead of saying anything, he just reached out and hugged me.
"I'm sorry." He mumbled against my ear. He hugged me tighter than ever, and buried his face on my shoulder, as if he lost me for a year. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you…" He broke the hug and started kissing every wound in my arm. As his every teardrop drips on my skin. "I'm sorry… I would never do that again… unless…" he then stopped.
"Unless what?" I asked, but he didn't answer. He just kept kissing my arm softly, "Vin, what is it?"
He slowly, as in slowly, looked into my eyes. His hand slowly caressed my cheek, and slowly went closer to kiss me softly and gently. The softest kiss he ever did to me. As if I was fragile… or he is.
I pushed him gently, "You wouldn't tell me, would you?"
He leaned his forehead against mine, still caressing my cheek, "You don't have to know. As of now."
I was pissed. But worried at the same time. And without a warning, nor 'you know what' words, I opened my eyes and found myself awake in my room. I want to sleep again to see him, but at the same time, I'm scared… to see him in that way. I know it. I know he's hiding something from me. Something… important.
"Why am I feeling this way…?" I mumbled to myself. I put my hand over my eyes and sighed, "It's not like I love him. No, I… I don't, right…?"
I remember saying that to Mary. And her response was "Yeah, you're still in the denial stage. Go on, keep denying it to yourself." Devyn also had the same response, with "Girl, are you serious? You're gonna say that? Well, I don't believe you."
I know it's weird. Why am I kissing him, hugging, and letting him do everything he did if I don't have any feelings for him? But how? How can I admit that? I have so many goals that I need to prioritize. I don't wanna risk anything. Love…will make me weak. It will let me forget everything, even the things I want to get revenge on.
So even if I already know, even if I already feel it, even if everyone already sees it obviously, even if he asks me multiple times, I would always deny the fact that I…