I was so happy.
Even when I'm chit chatting with my friends, I can't hide the happiness. I was energetic and so positive. Everything felt so wonderful, so bright.
My mom and I went out that day to buy clothes for my upcoming Nursing Days. I can't pick between polo stripes and plain. I asked Tesha, and she picked the plain one. I asked Devyn, she chose the plain one at first but then she changed it into the stripes one. I don't know what to choose so I bought both.
_______
"You really bought both? Is this how rich people buy things?"
"I'm not rich, Vin. It's just that I have enough money to buy both, and so I did." I said while we're both looking up at the night sky, stargazing together.
We're currently on the roof of a random building, lying down and looking up at the night sky. It's my first time seeing lots of stars in the sky, because in my country, it's rare to see lots of stars in the sky.
"What's your favorite star?" I asked.
"That one. Or technically, three." As he pointed at the three stars lined up.
I sat up in shock, "Orion's Belt is your favorite?! I also love those stars. They are my favorite!"
He sat up, "They are favorite because they're not one, but three. They all lined up perfectly as if the sky did it on purpose."
I looked up at the sky, and smiled, "I'm not good at the stories of those stars, but you're right. They look so perfectly lined up. Even the spaces between them look perfectly measured."
I may not be looking at Vin, but in my peripheral vision, I can see him looking at me with a smile, "It's beautiful."
I blushed, and instinctively looked at him. He caressed my cheek and softly kissed my lips and whispered against my lips, "I'm gonna miss this dry yet soft lips of yours."
"What does that mean?" I whispered back but he just kept kissing me.
That night, all we did was talk about stars, how beautiful night is, and we kissed over and over again, softer, gentler.
The next day, I still can't decide which of the two clothes to choose when the Nursing Days will start the next day. I took an afternoon nap and asked Vin for advice. We checked both of the clothes partnered with the pants that I'm going to wear. "I like the plain better. You look handsome in that." He said.
"Handsome?" I asked confusedly.
"Yeah, handsome. You look boyish, I love it. You look so badass, like someone who's willing to throw a punch anytime."
"Is that supposed to be a compliment?"
He chuckled, "It is!"
I woke up to have dinner, and after just a few more hours, I slept again at night. "Are you excited for tomorrow?"
"No. It's not like me to attend these kinds of things at school. Sports day in high school, I didn't even attend."
"Then why are you going to attend tomorrow?"
"Because I need to sign the attendance. My Theoretical Foundation professor is gonna give us plus 10 on our grade if we attend."
"Oh, wow. That's nice."
"Wait… Why are you asking anyway? Didn't you hear it? I mean, she announced it face-to-face, or either way, you can see everything that happens to me everyday."
He smiled, "I just want you to tell me something that happens to you as if I never saw it or heard it from here."
My heart suddenly throbbed, as if something he said hurt me. Why am I feeling like this? I don't know. It's not like he said anything bad.
He patted my head and slid his hand at the back of my nape, pulled me and kissed my forehead. "Enjoy your Nursing days, hm?"
I smiled brightly, "Okay."
And I woke up. As usual, I got ready, left early with Devyn, and enjoyed Nursing Day One. I even saw handsome guys in the dance competition. Especially this one guy from a dance group. I had a crush on him, not only because he's handsome and a good dancer, but also because I thought Vin would not get jealous because the guy is obviously gay!
Afternoon strikes and my friends and I are already tired, so we decided to stay at the library. Tesha and I had some quite serious talk.
She talked about her friends, and the story I'm currently making about her, though I'm not sure when I'll be publishing that. Then, the topic went to Vin.
"But girl, be careful. I just want to tell you that you shouldn't get eaten by the fact it's a dream. Always remember to put a wall between dream and reality."
"I know. Devyn also told me that before. She told me not to get to the point where I take sleeping pills just to meet him."
"That's right. Don't get into that point. Some people go insane, and mistake dreams into reality. So, be careful."
"Wow, it feels like you finally support me and Vin." I said with a smile.
"No, I still don't, hmph! I'm still your number one basher." She said as we both laughed quietly, since we're in the library. But she went serious again, "But really, it's not like I don't support you, I just want you to be careful."
"I know, don't worry. And it's not like I love him. I don't love him."
"Yeah right. Keep gaslighting yourself." As we laughed again.
After that day, on our way home, I told Devyn our conversation.
"Tesha told me what you said before."
"What?"
"You told me not to get to the point where I take sleeping pills, right? Tesha also told me to be careful. To build a wall between dream and reality."
"She's right. We're not telling you that it might be hallucinations, just a play of lucid dream, or he's real, just be careful not to get eaten by it."
I smiled, "I will."
It feels so good to have these kinds of people around me. They don't say it but by their words, it feels like they care about me. It feels like they want the best for me. And it feels so great.
I enjoyed the day. I really did. It might be tiring but I really enjoyed it. Because I know someone is watching my day, and I know he's enjoying it with me. He's here. Not physically, but he's here. Or so I thought.
Because when I slept, he's not there.
I gaslighted myself that maybe he's up to something. Wanting to surprise me or something. Two days of Nursing day, one for Tuesday and the other on Saturday.
For days, I gaslighted myself that maybe he'll show up after the Nursing days. It hurts. I cried for days. I couldn't eat, nor do anything right without being depressed. I don't know what to do.
"If you're gonna fall in love with someone, don't fall for someone who will just disappear without a word and you don't even know where they are." I randomly told my friends, but thankfully, they didn't notice anything.
Friday, I can't take it anymore so I told Tesha and Devyn. They told me that maybe Vin already woke up from comatose if he was in comatose. Maybe he's finally alive. And if that was the case, I would be very happy for him. But I'm still worried. It's making me anxious. It's making me crazy.
But Saturday, the last day of Nursing days, I tried to enjoy it. I cheered for the volleyball players, looked for handsome guys to distract myself. I cheered for my classmate who joined the beauty pageant, and for more. I really did try to enjoy it, without my friends noticing how depressed I was.
On our way home, Devyn asked me something. "What are you gonna do if you still haven't seen him tonight?"
"I don't know, I'm gonna go crazy…"
"This is what Tesha meant. You should build a wall between dream and reality. Because you might go insane if he suddenly went away."
"I would understand at least if he said goodbye! But he didn't. All he said is for me to enjoy the nursing days. I don't know what happened. Who wouldn't go crazy?"
"Could you promise me something?"
"Hmm?"
"If one day… you'll leave this world…"
"I won't leave—"
"Just if. Could you say goodbye… before leaving? At least let me know that it'll be the last night we'll see one another, and let me stare at your face for as long as I want to."
"Okay… I will… I promise."
That conversation occurred to me again. It made my heart sink. It feels so heavy. And as soon as I got home, I just uploaded some photos on social media and I immediately slept, hoping that he's there. I hope he's there.
But he's not. I just fell on my knees, and cried and screamed. "Vin! Please! Please come out! Please don't do this to me! Please! Please let me see you! Vin! Vin!!! Please… please, Vin… I just… want to see you again. I… I miss you."
And I woke up, 1 AM, heart broken into pieces, staring at nothingness in this dark room, hearing nothing but the past conversations we had, his voice, his laugh, his moan. Everything about him, I miss it. I miss him. I miss Vin.