That day, I tried to make myself focus by making a lessons review papers for our major exams. I also updated the Google Docs where I put all the things that happen in my dreams. I sent the link to Devyn, so that she'll be updated. I can't really tell her the details on text, because I feel like I'm going insane. But in Google Docs, I can pretend that this is all just a plot in a fiction story that I want her to read.
My body feels so heavy, my head is in pain. I couldn't eat, nor drink properly. All I did was make the papers, listen to music, watch TikTok, which I probably don't remember all the videos I watched, and stare at the ceiling, waiting for the night time.
When 9:26PM hit the clock, I turned off my phone. My heart started racing as I closed my eyes. I clenched my fist, nervously slept. When I opened my eyes, he was there. He was standing right in front of me, his hands behind his back, bending over to meet my eyes, with an innocent sweet smile.
I slowly reached for his cheek, thinking it would pass through again but it didn't. I felt it, his skin. I saw his smile disappear, his eyes widened, "Hmm? Am I that handsome today that you touched my cheek?"
Then I slapped him, "You jerk! You think this is funny? That was funny, huh?! Glitching all of the sudden?!" I yelled, with his hand on his cheek, rubbing it with a pout on his lips.
"What the heck? Slapping me all of the sudden after sending butterflies in my stomach… You're insane." He stood up straight and tilted his head, "And what do you mean glitching?"
I exhaled deeply, "Last night, you suddenly felt a headache or something and started glitching. I tried to hold your hand but my hand passed through you, as if… as if you went back to being a ghost."
His eyebrows raise, "Really? I don't remember that…" he whispers, thinking deeply.
"Then what do you remember last night?"
"I remember us talking. Then when you said don't get the wrong idea, you suddenly disappeared. So, I thought you woke up from something, like your mom or your alarm clock. Oh, and I was so lonely today. I couldn't watch your entire day. No flash for some weird reason, don't know why though."
I sighed so deep, and started walking back and forth. I was holding my head, and kept sighing. "What's wrong?" He asked.
"I don't like this."
"What? What do you mean?"
"This!" I looked at him, pointing at the ground, "This situation, I don't like it."
He opened his mouth multiple times, tried to speak but seemed like he couldn't pull out the words from him. He exhaled, and bit his lower lip, "So… what are you planning? Will you… stop seeing me then?"
I closed my eyes and sighed and turned my back on him. "There you go again, turning your back on me. Can't we just talk it out, and at least… find a solution?"
I turned back to him, confused, "Solution?" Chuckled bitterly, "You think this has a solution?"
"Isn't this enough though? Seeing each other every night. We can hold hands, talk about your day…" he shrugged, "...hug… kiss… or even do the spicy things you were reading."
"Vin?!" I was shocked by how bold he was. I sighed, whispering, "Ugh, really…"
I'm now looking on the dim white floor, as he stood up beside me, looking down at me. "We've known each other for years now. I saw how you printed those pictures one by one. I saw how you searched for information. I saw how you cried silently every night—"
"Stop…"
"I saw how you cut your wrist when you're mad or stressed. I saw how you look in the mirror and be insecure of yourself. I saw how you cried in disappointment when you got low grades, yet still not satisfied when you got high grades."
"I said stop!" I looked up to him.
"I saw every detail of you!" As I saw his tears flowing out from his eyes. "I know you more than anyone else. Can't you… just appreciate me for a moment?"
I exhaled, "What are you saying? I appreciate you! More than you think I am. You have no idea how thankful I am. Without you… I might be even more of a devil than I already am. You keep pulling out the kind side of me. But I'm scared."
"What are you scared of?"
I bit my lower lip, gulped, "You know Carl, right?"
"Yeah…? What about him?"
"I loved him. I did. With just a few letters, a few days, or maybe weeks. I loved him without even hearing his voice at that time. I didn't even get the chance to see his face, the color of his eyes, his smile, his hair, or whatever he has. With just digital letters, I loved him—"
"Can you not be so detailed about him? I already know that. No need to remind me with a jerk—"
"So, I'm scared." We looked at each other's eyes, "I'm scared to fall in love again with someone I'm not sure of. Either a ghost or someone in my dream, both are unsure, and you are both."
"What… do you—"
"Should I spell it out to you? I don't want to risk my heart again, especially to you. Because I'm not sure what will be the ending of this. Yes, you're right. We've known each other for years, and all those years, I only saw you as a friend. Because you were, in fact, a ghost and a minor, at that. But for some reason, being here with you…"
I trail my fingers and eyes on his arm, "...touching you… feeling your skin, even though I'm not sure if this is warmth or cold that I'm feeling from you…" trails my eyes up to his face, "...seeing how matured your face has become, and your eyes that looks at me like I'm the only girl for you…"
I lean my forehead in his chest, "...it fucking hurts me. I don't know what to do. I… want to stop this lucid dreaming, but my heart says otherwise."
"Then don't." He said as he hugged me, so tight. I hugged him back, burying my face on his chest, and I can feel his breath between my shoulder and neck. His hand travels around my back, "Your heart's racing. I can feel it."
"It's because of you, you fucker." I softly said against his chest.
I heard him chuckle, "For some reason, I missed you."
I pushed him, and I inhaled and exhaled deeply, "Okay, that's enough."
"You really know how to make me want for more. Is this what those books teach you?" He asked, while I'm walking around, changing the surroundings into my bedroom.
After changing the surroundings, I looked at him and he was looking around. "I see nothing's changed." He said, "Sometimes, I wonder what if you search for my name, would you have photos and information about me, too?"
My eyes widened and I gasped, "Vin… I never thought of that!"
"Right?! I'm sure you can do it!" He said happily and excitedly.
"But… how? I mean, the only thing I know about you is… the name Vin. I don't know your full name, nor your true age. Even your birthday, or where you came from. What if you lived far from here and just got lost? What if you're from the 19s when social media doesn't even exist yet?"
"Oh please, I'm not that old." He said with a frown, cutely.
I sat down on my chair, "We never know. You were just 17 a few weeks ago, and now, you look in your 20s. We're not sure anymore, Vin."
He knelt down in front of me and held both of my hands, "Could you at least try? On Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, or even in old social media applications. Maybe… just maybe, you might discover where to find me, whether I'm really dead or… just someone in comatose like that story your friend told you about."
Sighed and closed my eyes, "Fine. I'll try. Give me some time to get ready. I'll be busy until next week, because of—"
"Yes, major exams, prelims. I know. Don't worry, I'll wait. Until you're ready, I'll be here in your dreams. So please, always visit me, okay?"
I smiled, and nodded, "Okay."
"Oh and before I forgot, that Lorenzo guy, on your messenger…" he suddenly became serious, scary in fact, "...does he really need to call when he wants to ask something? Can't just message you? What's that? He wants to hear your voice, hm?"
I went silent for a moment, then I laughed, "What the hell? Are you jealous right now?"
He suddenly stood up, "What?! No, I'm not!"
I laughed louder, "You jerk, you're jealous! Oh, come on! Compared to you, he's nothing! He's just a classmate."
I saw him blushed, "R-really?" He crossed his arms like a child who didn't get a candy but got a compliment, "That's good…" as I laughed even louder, holding my stomach in pain for laughing too hard, "Stop laughing!"
Just like always, we talked about my day. Especially that he didn't see my day flash in front of him. He wanted it detailed, so I told him in detail. From what time I woke up from that glitching situation, how down I felt that day, and how unfocus I became no matter how I tried. He even teased me that I finally feel concern over him, and that I started caring about him. I mean, didn't I from the start?
The next day, I felt so happy and complete for some reason. I finished the math review, and sended it to my friends. I also sent it to two of my classmates who asked for a reviewer, and one of them is Lorenzo. And that night, I slept late, not too late though. 10:11 PM to be exact. And so, when we met in my dream, as soon as I opened my eyes in that dim white surroundings, I just felt an aggressive hand on my shoulders, as I looked up to him with mixed confusion and in pain.
"What is wrong with–"
"First, you told your friend to ask her boyfriend if she could be yours next Saturday. Though, I know it's just a friendly date, still you're a bisexual. But more importantly… Can't you just stop messaging that guy?"
"Who?"
"That Lorenzo guy."
"Oh come on, Vin. We already talked about this. He's just a classmate. He's not even my friend. And I just sent a lesson, that was all."
"You can just ask one of your friends to send it to him."
"Vin, I'm a student. Nursing student. I need to interact with my classmates. Because in my sophomore year, I would do duties where I interact with almost everyone, strangers at that. So, can we not please fight about this? I'm tired. I typed all day, please Vin."
He let my shoulders go, and his aura became even more scary and overwhelming. He stood up straight, made me look up to him as he looked down like I'm a prey or something. He whispered in a weird deep voice, "Lorenzo or me?"
My lips parted in shock, "What?"
"I asked, Lorenzo or me?"
"Wha…" I sighed, "What kind of question is that?"
"Just answer it, damn it!" he yelled.
My eyes widened, "Vin… What's happening? You're acting weird… First, you grabbed me aggressively, which you never did before… Now, you're… yelling? At me? Asking weird questions?" I asked, as he started walking around. He looks like a lost and mad wolf. "Can you tell me what's going–"
"I'm jealous!" he yelled and looked at me at the same time. He sighed deeply and turned his back on me, "I'm fucking jealous. I feel like any guy you message with school relations will take you away from me. Because you two can relate to each other."
"Okay, first of all, Lorenzo is not my type. He's a fuckboy. Second, take me away from you? I'm not yours to begin with."
"Exactly!" He turned back to me and went closer. I stepped back once, but he held my arms, stopping me from stepping back, and this time, his hand was gentler. He lean his forehead in my shoulder, and whispered, "You're not mine… and it fucking kills me… You even slept late… I was overthinking. I thought you won't see me again. I want to be someone more to you."
"Vin, I told you. I don't want to risk it right now."
I heard him sighed against my shoulder, "Princess… I'm still mad… you didn't answer my question. Lorenzo or me?"
I will never choose Lorenzo, but I don't want him to have high hopes if I choose him, so I don't want to answer. And so, I tried the method to wake up, "You know what–"
As I suddenly woke up. Before, I started waking up between 5 or 6 AM. Now, I woke up at 2:43AM. I opened my phone, and replied to my friends' messages that night, and listened to some music. I closed my eyes, sighing. "This is ridiculous."