"Jimin Hyung? Do you wanna talk to me...?" I asked, slowly opening his bedroom door, not sure if he'd heard about what I did or not yet, however the door was quickly slammed shut again as he yelled, "Just a minute!" And some rustling.
I was confused but nonetheless waited, he soon opened the door smiling awkwardly, "Do you have time to talk? It's important." I said, feeling a bit weirded out by his strange behaviour, "Sure! Let's go get something to eat ey?" Yep he's hiding something.
Without any hesitation I pushed threw him as he was trying to cover the door and keep me outside, "I just ate, I'm not hungry." I said, looking around as he desperately tried to convince me to leave.
"No, I want to know you're decision about our relationship." I said, crossing my arms noticing something mildly infuriating, he quickly tried to lie his way out of this, "Come on, let's talk over some food."
Without even needing a second to understand I immediately looked down, "I see you've already made up your decision then..." Trying to hold back tears as I turned to the closet door, "Namjoon, you can get out of the closet." I said, very clearly upset, "Nobody's in here." I could hear muffled voice coming from the closet, the stupid biotch.
I could feel the veins popping in my forehead, yanking the door open to reveal Namjoons huge body squashed into the small five foot tall closet, I turned to Jimin with tears in my eyes, "You could've at least been honest with me." I said, immediately leaving after that, he couldn't even think of an excuse, he just stood there ashamed of himself. Fucking coward couldn't even say it to my face.
I'm not mad at him, I'm a bit disappointed, but I have no right to be mad after everything I've done. I'm the one that cheated first, I'm the one that always causes fights, I'm the one that somehow manages to always fuck something up and hurt his feelings.
At the end of the day he deserves better then I could ever give him, so I'm glad he decided to choose what's best for him, but it still fucking hurts. No matter how hard I try to keep my calm, no matter how logically I think about it or how much I admit that it's my fault. It still fucking hurts like nothing I've ever felt before.
And I fucking lied too, I am mad at him. Instead of openly talking to me he decides to go behind my back and then try to hide and lie, I'll admit I screwed up with taehyung. But at least I was honest, and what do I get in return? Lies. That's all I get, just lies after lies, how am I supposed to know how long he's been doing that behind my back? How am I supposed to trust he hasn't been doing it since the start?
I want to trust him, I want to love him, but at this point I'm just fucking done with all of this. I'm done with Jimin, I'm done with taehyung, I'm done with my feelings, I'm done try to love someone who clearly doesn't love me back. I'm done trying to convince and fuck myself into believing either of them love me back. I'm just fucking done with living this shitty life.
For years I've been putting up with everything, I've put up with depression, amd anxiety, and eating disorders and self harm problems but this pain takes the cake by far. So far that I was standing on the edge of this rooftop screaming my lungs out.
I knew jumping won't help any, but just the feeling of being free to scream however loud I want and no one can hear me. It felt nice, it felt nice to finally be able to just scream and cry and let it all out.
I was about a block away from the hotel, so I knew for sure no one was going to hear me. And the urge to jump was becoming increasingly higher by the second, I knew my bones would just heal immediately, but it was a nice thought nonetheless.
However I didn't bother, and once I was done with my temper tantrum I walked down the stairs of the building and headed back to the hotel. I told myself I wasn't going to overreact but it is the love of my life that I've just lost, so I don't think I'll be keeping it together very well.
As I walked into the hotel I was immediately greeted with an angry Taehyung, "Where the hell have you-!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!!??! DO YOU WANT ME TO GO CUT DOWN A TREE AND STAKE YOU IN THE HEART??!!! CAUSE IM GREATLY CONSIDERING IT IF THATS WHAT YOURE AIMING FOR!!!!!!" Hearing him yell at me for leaving without permission was just another sting to heart. He soon calmed down and probably saw my teary eyes, "What happened? Why are you crying?" Without even thinking about it i completely collapsed into his arms sobbing, feeling him immediately wrap his arms around and tell me it's going to be Okey.
"I know it's not his fault, but it FUCKING HURTS!!" As I was crying into his chest I could feel his hands tangling threw my hair as he tried to shush me, I looked up at him literally sobbing, "Why the fuck am I like this Hyung?!" As I said I'm not keeping it together at all, literally sobbing in the arms of my enemy.
Taehyung softly grabbed my cheeks and made me stay looking at him, "Shhh, shh, Jungkookie, tell me what happened.." he whispered to me gently, I tried to speak, but at the end of the day I couldn't manage to say it and just continued sobbing while he held me, pressing my face deeply into his chest.
Eventually he managed to calm me down and got me to go back to his bedroom with him, I explained everything to him, threw out holding back the urge to have another another panic attack.
He seemed confused and wondered why Jimin would do that to me, but it was quite simple in my mind, he just doesn't love me. And he didn't have the heart to tell me so he lied, and here I was thinking we were head over heels for each other. I gave him my life and he threw it in the trash, I've confessed so many things to him, I told him i wanted marry him. I told him things I've never said before, and all he could do in return is be a lying rat that can't keep it in his pants.
I'm really trying my hardest not to blame him for this, I don't want to spend the rest of my life blaming him for something that clearly wasn't his fault. But right now I can barely breathe without breaking down, I wasted the past thirteen years of my life being in love with him, he was my everything. And at the end of day I clearly meant nothing to him, and it'll take time for me to be able to look at him the same again, if ever again.
Right now my heart is being selfish and taking the blaming route out so I don't have to think about everything I've done to deserve this. I don't want to think about I what did right now, all I can think about is blaming him even though I knew it'd happen at some point. I just wish he said it to my face, that's what hurts the most out of all this. Is the fact that he didn't even have the decency to tell me to my face, it wouldve hurt far less if he didn't have to waste my time and lead me on like a lost dog.
He knew he didn't love me, and he still said yes. He knew he didn't love me, and he still let me kiss him. He knew he didn't love me, and he only wanted my body. How am I meant to be Okey?
"I think we need to talk to him about this, there's no way he would do this to you, he loves you." Taehyung said as he held my hand while we both sat on his bed, "I love him and I still cheated with you, he said he loved me and he cheated with Namjoon. You wanna know the difference between those two?" I asked, looking straight down at my lap, "I was honest... I told him what happened and I begged for him to forgive me, he lied and tried to hide it. That's the difference, I told him the truth, and he still decided to lie straight to my face. What's even worse is he could've told me, I gave him several chances to tell me the truth and he still lied and led me on... Guess I can't blame him.."
"No, if he really did that then you have every right to blame him, but theres got to be more to the story." Taehyung kept trying to make me believe it's not the way I think, but none of his reasons helped or made me feel better, "I dont- I don't Tae... I don't have a right to blame him, and there's no point in even asking for the whole story. It's pretty fucking straight forward."
Even after knowing exactly what happened and how i felt Taehyung still felt he had the right to get involved, "let me talk to him Okey? I don't believe- I won't believe my best friend could ever do that to somebody. Especially after knowing how much you love him." I guess I am the one that was crying in his arms, that kinda gave him the right to get involved. But still, id rather to just leave it for now.
Maybe I'm just afraid of hearing him say it out loud...