Finally, the day came that would determine my destiny. The ceremony was to begin before sunset, during the period when the sun was shining brighter than ever before, and so was my heart.
The servants helped me with my hair, make-up, and clothes. I was choking and hesitating about what kind of things I should expect from the future in front of me, but I decided not to just do that, and to move forward with confidence. It was the last thing I could do for myself at that moment.
The open hall is a place where guests sit in a hall that has a roof that can be closed and opened, and it is for important things such as events and celebrations. Among the seats there is a ladder to the place where I should stand, with my red clothes walking behind me and taking up a long space, and among the crowds who are looking at me, I walked confidently towards my destiny, holding my head up and trying to ignore the sunlight following me.. Interestingly enough, when there is light there is shadow, even in the midst of pain a ray of light will surely come in to illuminate my life.
I climbed the stairs and stood there with my face turned to the people sitting below. I did not say our growing-up pledge, so it would be a coronation and also a ceremony to prove that I had officially become a woman.
Among the crowds, I was looking for two people. They seemed uninterested, but I know very well how much energy they can give me. In the crowd, he was standing there, smiling, and she was sitting, staring at the cup in front of her. Then I smiled, giving her hair and his smile another reason for me to continue. My day illuminated by sunlight, and the day that became me.
Then I got down on my knees, and the crown was placed on my head, and they gave me a piece of paper to read, and I began to say in a loud, confident, and steady voice, "I am Shen Shushen. I swear that I will value the strength, cleverness, and health given to me, and not use my power for evil reasons, and to move forward with strength and confidence. Towards the good and the weak, that I do not lose my mind while the monsters play with my heart, that I remain with an honest and pure heart, that I do not betray and serve my country until the day I die... and that I be an honest and compassionate woman, because then I will be able to be born happy, free, and creative. I will create a new era where we can To be our true selves."
My uncle helped me stand up, holding my hand while smiling, "Dear Shushen, you have really grown up now, look what you have become, a beautiful and intelligent woman, I am sure that this kingdom will never lose with you in it."
"Uncle, eternal loyalty and never losing your way is something I cannot promise you, but if my rule continues for a day, a month, a year, or even a thousand years, I swear that as long as I rule this kingdom, it will never fall or lose. Perhaps I will lose my courage, but I will fight to the death for my country and my loved ones. I will never let down this country that has inspired me, and I will continue to return to this land in every life I live, and protect it with my heart at all times."
He laughed lightly and put his hand on my cheek, "don't be too prejudiced against yourself, shushin, I know that you are trying to please others in order to find your comfort and salvation, but some days you have to be obedient, sometimes crazy, sometimes understanding, not just be one thing, but be everything, sometimes even evil saves us, and sometimes good loses us a lot, this is because when you are forced to be evil, you must do evil, and when you are good, you must do good and you can't live without neutrality, while traveling and traveling, protect yourself, learn to lie and be honest, know that there is no right or wrong choice, only you will determine the answer, only you will determine the future."
In fact, my uncle's words comforted me a little, or a lot, even if he changed his mind about me and my decisions later. Now, at that moment, he does not doubt my sincerity, nor do I doubt him, since my uncle also did not want to become king. He is a fighter, he wants to protect the homeland. On the battlefield and not to protect it with his words, he realizes well that actions are stronger than words, and therefore he understands me somewhat, as adults do not think about breaking the rules, such as changing something that has continued since the creation of the kingdom, and he understands well some important matters that other adults do not understand, as They will not say words like this, and they will not smile. His words were already written in my soul, and it is a comfort for others to say the words that you want to say or hear, and so the world continues to give me happy reasons for my heart to soften and become affectionate and confident and accept anything, but something simple like this will not deceives me. I know full well that life is bribing me to be something I do not want to be, saying that there is a lifetime of happiness, knowing full well that there is a world of pain waiting for me, and I do not know if that is an attempt to console and encourage me, or a quick and simple way that will lead to my eternal death. This makes me say to myself, "Appreciate that moment, even if it was a lie. In your heart, it is true. In your heart, you lived that moment. This is what makes it real, this is what makes it not painful." And I know very well that this heart that assumes it is on my side is deceiving me and lying to me. But I choose to be in the middle of everything, in the middle of happiness and sadness, because in the future the path will lead me to a field of flowers or a field of blood, and I can only hold on and not give up.
I looked at the sky, and here this scene surprised me. A red dragon in the sky with golden tails flies so powerfully above us that the air becomes so high that everyone almost flies, then it departs with its golden and red beauty towards the distant sun. Why should this happen? No, it should never happen. This, since I am a queen who only has great power and nothing more, and my God, how tiring it is for you to try to deny what you are, since I am forced to believe until this is proven, it is impossible for me to be devil and matter pass peacefully, my uncle who killed thousands on the battlefields, He will not fail to know that I am a devil, and if he knew, he would not have made me a queen. This means that I am not one. No, there is no convincing reason that confirms that I am one.
I slowly felt that the lies of my life were clear and many, and that the shadow that surrounded me did not guide me towards the truth, in this world, my true story and my certain destiny had not yet begun, me. I will not finish quickly, nor will this story. The next is exciting, the next is interesting, the next is painful and happy, the next is my life, which will be written as an interesting story, and I wonder if others who want freedom have to give up everything? Especially since I knew that the first step to freedom is: abandoning yourself.
Because betraying yourself is easier than betraying others. If you want to betray someone, if you want to leave someone, you will have to betray yourself completely, or leave a deep and large part of yourself in the place before you leave. The moment you are greeted by someone, you must run. Away quickly, or just waiting for a completely happy ending, or an ending where you have to leave, and leave behind a part that you lived a whole life to be, with this person, and you should forget this part completely, no, perhaps this part will be kept and remembered, or kept and forgotten, or They'll throw it in the trash quickly.
And no, there is no need to burden your heart with the memory of someone you left or left you. I know exactly how bad it is to be halfway there and know then that you cannot continue, or that you are not welcome. Then all you can do is put on a smile all the way back home, pretending that your heart did not Breaking into a thousand pieces there, you can only look out of the carriage moving around the city, looking at people's lives, wishing that one day you will be walking happily among the crowds, under the light of the sun or the moon.
And for the shadows in my heart, can you not give me a lot or take a lot? It would be better if you did not take at all, but if it means that doing so will make you neither give nor receive at all, then I will not mind, because one day I will leave you for the eternal spring. I knew very well long ago that I cannot go to the spring with you in my company. I too must give up something to gain something. And do not be sad, I can replace you with all the things in the world, but I cannot replace that emptiness in my heart. People told me about pain and happiness, and what I found very lurking in my soul was sorrow and nostalgia, perhaps longing for the distant moon or the stars that I will never be.. You can never understand my soul, even I am unable to do so, and I have a feeling that I will never be, but I smile in the face of the difficulty, saying that tomorrow I will forget. 19 years have passed and I am still here, there and in every place I used to be, and yet... I have not forgotten.
Lord, when will the real spring come? I'm afraid that after some time I will forget the reason for holding on to me all these years, and that I will forget myself before other things.