When I opened my eyes, we were in the desert. The sun must have been setting. The sky was a deep purple color. We were sitting on a long chair in the middle of the desert. The back of my body was touching the back of his. We both knew exactly that we were awake at that moment, but whether it was a dream or Reality, I did not know, I only knew that I closed my eyes, and I heard the sound of the wind moving the sand, the cold breeze that made my body shiver. At that moment neither of us spoke, as if we didn't know what to say anymore..
''Where do you think are we?''
''far from home... I guess..''
''That's fine then.. I don't mind, I don't mind..''
In his calm, sometimes high-pitched voice, "I think I need an explanation."
I smiled and looked at the sun, which colored that strange sky with stunning colors.
"I know..." I started telling him the story exactly as I heard it from Yu
He tilted his head slightly to the side, after listening to the story I had cut short before the sun had completely set, "So, I'm one of your dragons?"
"I was told to touch your heart, and it would give me the answer. Now that we've come to this place, I think he was right, and it's you."
"I have many things I have doubts about."
I smiled again, "I will give you a chance to ask just two questions."
He laughed lightly, "How generous you are..." "So...first, it was said that if you stab your heart, the curse will disappear. You stabbed yourself then, so why didn't it disappear?"
I sighed, "If I stab my heart, you will not die, but the curse will not disappear. Stabbing my heart is a way for you to live."
"How cruel, she not only cursed them, she cursed herself as well."
I smiled, "The curse began when their homeland abandoned them, when your homeland abandoned you, or your family, then you become an expatriate forever, even among your family. The moment they completely break your heart, you become an expatriate among them, among your homeland.''
"Hey Shushin, why did you come to me? Was it really because I was the only person you knew from the Snow Clan?"
I thought a little before I responded, "I didn't want that moment to be lost in my memory. I was ashamed to write it and mention it. I wanted you to be my memory, but it's hard to put the memories behind me."
"Why would you even give up your memories?"
"I was created to be forgotten, completely erased, just like dust, like the air, just like the wind, perhaps to become a star, to become a cloud. I was created to be, but I never was."
"But...but I don't want to forget you."
"This is not something you can choose, though. Just because I forget you, doesn't mean you'll forget me. Sorry, but I let myself down a lot, so I can't betray the promise I made. I was an obstacle to others, so now I can't be an obstacle to myself. I now have a dream, so I must strive for it. I'm tired of... People say I'm selfish, now I really will be, I'll give up everything but myself."
"Can you even do that? Can you really do that?"
"Well… like I said before, it doesn't matter much, I can't choose but to move on."
(I knew then... that she had chosen a final and eternal farewell)
I distanced myself from him, and stood on the chair, "Finally, the night has almost come. I still long for it very much and fear it very much. I think I am still far from security and faith."
He looked at me, "You will reach them. Stars? Well, it's okay to be a star."
I looked at him, "What do you think? About the past and the future?"
"They are illusions, not reality."
In front of us, a door opened far away. He said as he got up and shook off his clothes, "Maybe our trip is over."
He walked towards the far door, and I stood there looking at the sky, "Thank you, for showing me the purple sky."
He turned around, "Come on, Shushin, don't make it seem like a farewell."
I looked at him with a slightly shocked expression, then laughed brightly. I remember that was said before, and it was actually a farewell at the end. I jumped out of the chair and started running towards him. He put his hands over his eyes as he walked away from me, "Stop, do you think you're on vacation or something?"
"Why? Isn't that more exciting? The world I can show you."
He turned to me as he walked, "No thanks."
I smiled, "How ungrateful."
We reached the door. I looked at it and opened it. A violent black light came out of the door. I covered my eyes, and the darkness pulled me in.
In the familiar room, I was alone there, Qian Yu was not with me, just that man, who must be holding a grudge against me, or more precisely the woman who looked like me when I was, I walked over to him, sitting on his bed as usual while contemplating, "You know what? All this meditation, and you still can't control your nerves, stop wasting time."
He raised his eyes to look at me, "Huh?"
"Tell me... Are you real? Is this reality or a dream? Does this room really exist? You are more than enough to be real, it seems more like a dream. From that moment I did not believe that I would be able to reach out and touch you. Are you real? Can I reach you One day, really? Are you a dream that I created out of my loneliness for myself to reassure me?''
''What if I'm a dream then? what are you going to do'' He's still looking at me with those curious eyes, enjoying my confusion
''Then...I'll pray it never ends, ever.''
"You are more honest in your dreams."
I looked at him and smiled, "You can't understand...at all, how much I want...my desire to,....it doesn't matter, don't care.."
"I won't understand unless you say."
I turned my gaze to the window behind him, "No need."
He finally stood up. This was almost the first time. I saw him standing in front of me. He approached slowly and said in his calm, deep voice and serious features, "Shushin, sometimes you may be wrong. Your hope of yesterday is your hope of yesterday. There is no need to waste tomorrow just to achieve yesterday's hope. Saying that this is your eternal desire, so allow yourself...to change."
I looked at the ground, "I don't understand...the reason for my illness."
"Heart disease, only you will find an answer to it. I know that my words will never help, but... wait to meet these people. Perhaps you will find that the future is better than what you lost, and what you will lose."
I looked at him, "I cannot promise you that I will remain who I am. Even though the waves are calm now, there are volcanoes burning inside me now. One day they will overflow and burn...this planet."
He walked around the room, "I realize that, your eyes are telling me, that if your monster comes out, you will not stop him. You must be longing for that.. the day when you will not feel regret."
I walked towards the exit door from the room, "I feel sorry, because I would definitely choose this option, but I have no choice... No one will understand my pain except me, so I must free myself. I cannot make others happy, while I am not happy."
As my hand was about to open the door, I found myself in my bed. I quickly got up to sit down and looked around... It's my room... I can't handle the speed of things, but I feel heavy in my heart, so I try, I try to enjoy it. My tired eyes, I looked at the sky, it is night and it is winter, I must sleep, I will only think of myself in the dream, only of me and not of the miracles and the world.. I put my head on the pillow, I will write happy stories, for sure. But for tonight, I won't give in to the shadows of the past.
I have a new journey tomorrow, and every day, as I grow, I will make sure not to regret it.