"As the winter begins to set in and the days grow short, a feeling of emptiness fills my heart, a chill settles in my bones.
The sun is hidden behind a blanket of clouds, and the world appears to be painted with a grey and dreary shade.
The air is crisp, the wind is sharp, and the winter cold seeps through my soul.
Memories of the sun and warmth and sunshine and joy of summer feel so far away, and all I'm left with is the cold and the bleakness of winter."
The pre-winter celebration is coming, the streets are free, and the golden lights are on. People in the streets are wearing their best and brightest clothes, to welcome winter with a smile, hoping that winter will not be too harsh for them, hoping that winter will not spread its hatred in their hearts and harm them, I stand above and watch the vast world. And I think deep in my soul, I close my eyes, and I can only imagine the sound of the sea waves in my ears, a sound so comforting and reassuring that it makes me want to cry, I feel a light melody, and the comforting voice of someone, but I do not remember whose voice this is, standing above, in the tower of the army camp, I look at loved ones, marriage, friends, and families. A faint smile slips from my face despite myself. I can only look with my eyes at the dark sky. My prayers seem to have ended. I am tired of wishing, so I look silently, knowing that the Lord knows my pain and my desires, hoping that He will lead me to a land that will accept me one day.
I have decided which city I will go to. Although I will be incognito, I seek to save others from themselves, since I cannot be free from myself as long as I live. Since the first day this earth was created, my destiny has been clearly written, but I am trying to hide that truth and lie. On myself, it seems that it is easy to save others now. If it means that one day I will be free. I am even tired of the feelings of others towards me. I can never be free as long as I live. I will go to the city of snow. There is no celebration. The world does not move on for them. It is on hold all seasons, just as my heart is.
A warm and strange feeling touched my hand, "What are you thinking about that you don't notice me?"
I looked to my side, "Brother? What are you doing here?"
He pulled his hands away and sighed deeply, "I asked about you, because I didn't see you around. I went to every place you might be. I didn't expect you to be here."
I smiled, "Brother...what did you see when you touched my hand then?"
He seemed uncomfortable and surprised by my question, "Hmm, what?"
"What world, what world was the future? What face was my face?..."
He sighed again and then laughed, "I don't know, Shushin, maybe you had the same face then as now?"
I turned around to be standing in front of him, "As now? How do I look now?"
He put his hand on my shoulder, I looked at his hands, then at him, "It was as if you wished to die, to forget."
In the sky, the sound of fireworks was loud and clear, covering the sky in its colors, only we were stuck in that sad and ugly picture, desperate to get out, perhaps from ourselves, from our hearts, or from this world that does not know mercy.
With his hands on my shoulders, I looked up toward the sky, whispering to myself, "Will I be worthy of this vast sky one day? Can I change a future in the hands and eyes of others?"
I felt a tear on my cheek. Fortunately, Shi Jin was looking at the fireworks, while I was looking at him. When he almost looked at me, I threw myself into his embrace. He was taller than me, so I needed to lift my feet off the ground a little and hang onto his neck.
His black eye, which were not blindfolded, widened, but his nerves quickly relaxed, and he put his hands around my waist, and his head on my shoulder, "Are you okay?"
Still hugging him, I smiled, "Yes, I was afraid that this moment would evaporate, so I wanted to fight time."
He laughed, "Did you drink?"
"Drank the pain of the future? Haha, the snowy weather makes me forget my soul."
We moved away from each other, he looked into my eyes and said with a smile, "That's good, forgetting yourself sometimes is great."
.....
I have arrived in the city of snow again, since the last time I said goodbye to Nyao Nyao , now I have returned for myself, where there is something, or a feeling, that I want to get rid of, and I was looking for arguments, so I would like to find them here.
I came alone, since I haven't told anyone about the dragon thing, it seems like a crazy thing, But I was almost certain that Tian Yang was a dragon, so there was no need to go to the Demon City, Now I must confirm my suspicions.
I went to the Snow Clan's palace. Of course, I entered in a dishonest way, because I cannot bear to have a carpet spread from the palace door to the hall and to be treated like a queen, *even though I really am* and this is another reason for me to act rudely, despite the cold weather, but the people here are nice.
I was in the place where the First Prince, Qian Yu, lives.. As for my story with this man, for many reasons I did not study at the Royal School, but I studied in my childhood, and he was my classmate. He was the loveliest, the most wonderful, and the smartest. He seemed very distant, and I felt as if I was always looking at him without realizing it, While I was not noticeable at all. not Beautiful and untalented, I used to sit next to the wall, draw, and dream of a more beautiful tomorrow. I would draw, draw, draw, write, write, read, and dream. And so my years passed, in secret. It was known about me that I used to write and draw. This was my talent, which I lost when I discovered that the only thing I thought I was great at was, in fact, nothing. The praise of others blinded me, and what really made me stop was that I felt as if I was drawing. Because if I did this, I would receive support, love and attention, not because I really wanted this, so it was as if I had sold myself, I felt crazy and sick, so I chose to be a dead girl, and slowly I was no longer what I used to be, so this made others get bored of me, when most of them seemed to realizes that I am nothing, and others realize that I will not be what I used to be. Thus, I spent almost my entire current life not realizing my worth, based on what others said, "You are selfish, ugly, a failure, horrible, useless, and sick." Others did not realize my deep pain, and the recurring moments of my madness that kept recurring over the days. The moments when I would cry in the dark and enter a state of madness and not notice reality for days. I was like ghosts and no one realized, not even myself.
And here, this man appeared. I was beginning a new phase in my life, where others showed interest in my direction, and this surprised me. The looks of others. They said that I was beautiful and had a wonderful personality. This was the first time, real people who really interacted with me, saying this. I did not hear those words. The falsehood was nothing but the voices in my mind, and thus my defense sank as far into the ground as possible, and I was then truly and truly a failure.
But suddenly, those people's candy turned into knives stabbing my body. I felt snakes circling around me, and I almost pulled out my hair. I felt my liver pulsing. I almost vomited my soul and lost consciousness in my bathroom. Despite all this madness, I did not die, I did not go crazy, but I remember that I smiled
Suddenly she returned, that pathetic child, who did not mind selling her soul if it meant that she would receive love from others.
This man attracted me towards him, because I felt that he was so pure in the midst of this dirty world.. This made me wonder about him. I almost fell. He caught me. I was feeling tired from the heat of the sun. He grabbed my hand to lift me up. In the midst of this destruction, why did he appear? I was not grateful for his appearance, he is like something I can never hold, and his kindness drives me crazy, makes me angry with myself, kindness and hatred towards me, both are like poison. I still looked for him in the crowds, and he disappeared. I used to hate him so much, and I looked for his faults, then I looked at his advantages. I was so insignificant in front of him. Why would a pure person, who does not know pain, put his hands in this blood? How can destruction and peace come together? Shadow Woman cursed the god of death with his love for her, and now he curses me with my love for others. Yesterday I saved the world, but today I am that ruin.
I hated his kindness towards me, was it his pity? Is it love? Friendship? Siblings? He played with my feelings without even realizing it.. This man...had yellowish-white hair, bright brown eyes, long eyelashes, and brown eyebrows.. He has everything I lack: love, talent, a caring heart, happiness, intelligence, and everything I will never have. I will never be.
The touch of his hands on my wrist... that moment... that day, that memory, those moments together, how I wished it wasn't us. I would give everything to forget my life, but I am confident that the pain of that moment and letting go of the past will curse me forever. I cannot give up on things, so I cannot give up on myself no matter how much I want....
That man... he was drawing beautifully. This made me realize, people give up on things, and others find them and take refuge in them. Only he I knew. I knew that he did not deserve me, or that I did not deserve him. It is not that he is better than me, but rather that he deserves someone with the same pure soul. And I was never what I could be, even though I used to be. At that time, I was not brave enough to know Him. At that time, I wanted peace to know Him.. Then and until now, no, not for a moment, I was at peace.. Pain.. continuous pain. I couldn't even console myself, and thinking about him, I think I opened a new piece of my memory, a new piece of myself, since I never forgot those pain and memories, I just... I buried them deep, I had enough pain to deal with already.
I was in his room. I kept messing around until I found a door. When I entered, the place was dark. After walking, I bumped into something. Then the room suddenly lit up. It kind of frightened me...
When I looked around... my eyes started to burn... and I didn't feel like myself until burning tears ran down my face, looking around... drawings... of the moon, of the sea, of the vast sky, of the night, of the stars, and me... me???
The paintings were placed on holders and on the wall. I walked and moved my hand over them, seeing myself among the snow and rain. I walked to a painting that was placed, and it was covered with a black cover. I pulled it out.
I wasn't crying, but my tears didn't stop, my shattered feelings found a reason to collapse
The painting was large, in the middle, a girl with red clothes and long black hair flying with the wind, a red moon in the middle of a dark night, there was snow behind her, and seas, but the rain fell, blood dripped from her hands like rain.
I stood there in the middle of the room, looking at the painting without any thoughts in my mind.
Suddenly I heard a voice from behind me... approaching, but I did not move. I was still standing without moving. The voice said as he finally stood next to me, "Do you like it?...the paintings..."
I looked at him, "Yes. This was unexpected."
"You don't think I'm strange, do you?"
"Yes, I do," I laughed
He put his hands on his neck, "Hmm, I didn't expect someone to reveal my secret, especially you, since if I had known you were coming, I would have hidden this entire room, but suddenly... I find you in my room.."
"Are you upset?"
"no.."
I moved closer to him and extended my hand. He held my hand tightly while avoiding my gaze. "Don't, don't come close, you shouldn't.. you shouldn't do this."
"do what?" I was looking towards his neck and then his eyes, "Don't worry, I won't kiss you or anything like that. I thought you said you would act like you didn't hear that then.."
He pulled his hands away from me, "That's because you told me to pretend like I didn't hear that."
"Oh.. You really don't understand women's hearts and words, or maybe you weren't interested in me so you pretended you didn't hear that sentence, but that's okay. We wouldn't even be in a relationship. At that time.. I felt crazy and wanted to get rid of my worry, so I said it. I couldn't love you forever."
he was distracted by my words. I put my hand on his heart. He was surprised by this, but it was too late. "What are you doing..." Suddenly, I turned away from him and held my heart. "Damn, this is painful." I said with difficulty.
He stepped back and then fell, holding his heart, "What is this?..." I started to lose consciousness. I was not paying attention. I felt like my mind was heavier than the rest of my body. I headed to where he was, and suddenly my feet betrayed me. I fell on him. We lost consciousness completely...
That night after seeing the fireworks, I wrote in "Shadows in My Heart":
"Tell me how to disappear,
is love enough so that I won't cry anymore?
I want to comfort my heart, if there is a place for the broken to go, then please let me go..
I wanna help you when you cry but I feel used and tired...
This will be for the first time
But can you help me this time?
Maybe love smells like sea
But isn't it strange? The smell of my burning heart is like the smell of the sea. Does This means that love is as painful as death?"