Life is passing like this, I am living but it seem to have stopped.
A week has been since mother had told me that I am going to meet this girl who is a school counselor, she lives near my house just in adjacent street but due to her work schedule we are unable to meet and yeah she is six year elder then me. Though, I am not interested in meeting her or anybody but my mother is quite persistent as she thinks that my exam failure is something not normal and I need some counseling. And I don't to want meet her or anybody because, I don't want to share my issues with anyone plus that girl will also judge me like others.
A sudden loud voice break my train of thoughts,
Voice: Siya!!!!!!
Siya: (Turning towards the direction of the voice and in loud voice) Yeah coming mother.
I get up from my bed start walking towards the kitchen from where her voice come, the moment I leave my room as usual I put a big fake smile on my face. As soon as I stand in front of the kitchen, I found the door open and then without turning mother start speaking,
Mother: (Scolding voice) What is this Siya? How many times I have to told you, to sit in the living room only or wherever everyone is present and don't to sit in your room alone?
Siya: Sorry buy I just want to relax and lie down for sometime so, I thought to....
Mother: Hey, there is a couch in living room, you can lie down their too, no need to go sit alone in the room. Who knows what you do when you are alone?
Siya: (With fake smile) Okay
Though, internally I rolled my eyes and my mind speak out...
Mind: Yeah I am doing drugs and selling it to other people, whenever I am alone
Before, I could say anything in its reply my mother speak up again,
Mother: O yeah don't forget tomorrow morning you will meeting that girl and her name is Vihaa.
Siya: Okay (Nodding my head in affirmation)
Without saying anything I start walking towards my room but my steps stops because of mother's throat cleaning voice. And I changed my direction of walking, rather than going to my room I walk towards the living room. Once I reached there I sit down on the couch and trying to get myself comfortable but failing miserably but for mothers sake I remained sit.
All this is not new for me as since the day all my friends left me, Erik told things about my character, failure of one exam and my parents learned about that I drink alcohol all I feel in me is emptiness. On everyday basis they told or show me in their actions that they don't trust me, they don't want me to be alone. And I believe that I am not someone who deserve the love of family, parents or friends, all I can do is damage to others like a curse so, now all I am going to do is take care of other's happiness and their comfort would be my first priority and even though I have to sacrifice myself.
Just like this hours passed by where, I tried to get my self comfortable on the couch and soon mother call me for the lunch. I reach the kitchen pick up my plate and start serving food on it, without saying anything I start eating my food. Though there is complete silence between us but a storm is running inside my head, I can hear the echo of voices and its quite disturbing because its making me feel heavy headed plus sleepy too.
Ignoring all this, I finish my lunch quickly, go to living room again and I waited for some minutes and after some minutes I hear my parents door getting close which means mother is nowhere near, to seeing me going inside my room and relax for sometime. Though, my hopes died when I hear Granny's voice calling my name so, without saying anything I go towards her room.
After reaching there I found my Aunt sitting there and a thought pop up inside my head, "here, relaxation got wings." Seeing me there Granny initiated the conversation,
Granny: What were you doing?
Siya: I was going to my room after eating lunch for some relaxation.
Granny: How much more you want to relax? You don't have school to attend, got failed in exam so, basically you have nothing to do. Hence all you do whole day is to relax.
Siya: But.... ( Aunt joined the conversation by cutting me off)
(All I want to say is that, I am sorry I failed but tried hard to be perfect for anyone and even for my career too. I am really sorry).
Aunt: Siya dear I am really worried for your future, how could you fail the exam? I am sure somewhere its your mother faults only, if she has paid attention on your studies since the start you won't have failed the exam.
Granny: Yeah I am sure this is all her mother's fault and why won't this happen when her entire attention is on travelling and buying new things.
Aunt: Yeah exactly. I don't understand why there is so much need to do shopping, look at me how little I do.
Granny: She is just spending my son's money, using him and sometimes with his support too. It seems the she has learned this from her maternal home.
And their discussion goes on and on, where they described what my mother do and don't plus how bad her actions are? Seeing them too lost in the discussion of their own I secretly escape from Granny's room to my room. Once I enter in my room I took a breath of relief, I directly go to bed and lay their, then only I realized that my head is paining hard. I stretch my hand and pick up the my phone kept on side table, I unlock it and play Sound of an Angel by Blacksheep806 on low volume which I only I can hear.
Later I keep phone beside me and closed my eyes, this beautiful violin music start working on me like a lullaby. After sometime I can feel my mind getting relax, I may have fall asleep because when I get up next I hear my mother's voice who enter in my room as if she owns it and start speaking something but my whole focus, is on to wake up myself from a peaceful sleep. I check my phone to know the time, then only I realized that I had a peaceful sleep just for two hours. After some minutes I finally become fully awake so, I look at my mother who is glaring at me now,
Siya: (Calmly) What happen?
Mother: (Glaring at time) What happen, what were you doing inside the room? I called you from the kitchen but you didn't spoke so, I come to check what were you doing and I found you asleep here.
Siya: Okay (Not knowing anything what to say, I keep my mouth shut)
Mother: (Walking towards the door to leave the room, without looking at me) Come out and help me making the dinner since, you have nothing to do except sleeping.
Siya: Okay
After saying this she left but here inside my head I hear the voice again..
Mind: (Irritated huhh, I am not free, I will study for that one subject which I failed, I want to relax my mind, I want to read a new book, I want to write poetry but they won't understand would they? They not even hear me out, what should I do?) Go and help in cooking because you deserve it as you are looser, a failure.
I get from the bed, go towards the washroom and start getting fresh. After five minutes or so I go inside the kitchen and start cutting vegetables which mother asked me to do. Just like this dinner time come, I helped my mother in cooking though I do it unwillingly, once work got completed and just before eating dinner I excused my self and go to my room to change my clothes into night dress plus getting fresh too.
After ten minutes I come back again, found my parents and brother are eating food silently so, without thinking or speaking anything I serve my food on the plate and start eating food. Even though I tried to keep my attention food but soon I heard my mother voice, telling something to father,
Mother: Today, Siya helped me in cooking.
Father: So what happened, she should do cooking. And if she is not interested in studying then at least she should know how to cook. At least after marriage no-one will say, we didn't teach her anything.
Mother: Yeah
After this they three share some conversation but I try to focus on food which I am eating, though their words hurt me but my mind told me that I deserve the hatred and their mean words. As soon as my dinner got finished I get from, then go to clean my plates and later I reached my room in thought of retiring for the night but I know falling asleep with so much thoughts in my mind won't going to be easy.
However, keeping thoughts side I lock my door pick up the diary decide to write my thoughts in it, assuming may be this could relax me...
"why life has changed like this, everything was happy but now there is no sign of happiness. The gathering used to be beautiful under the shadows of friends but now my silence is making noises. Now what should I say or tell others what I feel, because neither they want to hear me nor they want to understand me"
I put the pen down, lay on bed start playing the sound of angel again and the beautiful violin music start calming my tense nerves. Though, I usually feels like every singe hope has died but don't know why I wish to have someone who could be with me, help and stand by me. And with this thought I fall asleep.
However, I have never ever thought that next morning when I would be waking up, my wish would be full filled and things would be changed for something better.