Next morning I woke up but I kept laying on the bed, taking a minute or so to get myself fully awake. Though nothing changed in my nightmare but still, I am feeling as if there is something good or I can see some kind of brightness flowing around me. I guess its difficult for me to explain this feeling, or give a name to it.
However, I took a deep breath, keeping these thoughts aside I get up from the bed, take a step near to the side table, I pick up my phone and check the time which is seven in the morning. After this I look at the notification of a message which is from an unknown number (UN), out of curiosity I read it,
UN: Hey Siya, Vihaa this side. Your mother give my, mother your number, so here I am texting you that we will start studying for your exam after two months because I have work to do in my job and for sometime I will be busy.
Siya: (Immediately, after reading it) Okay no problem
And with this I keep the phone back on the side table, plug in the charger. Suddenly, I am starting to feel as if I have loss something, I cannot see the light and I can hear echo of voices in my head..
"looser
selfish
ahh someone is meant to be left alone
what if any of my behavior or talks hurt her and she choose to leave me too
disrespecting... Like this goes on and on"
I hear a sudden ping sound from my phone and this only bring me back to my senses, then I notice all I was doing that time was breaking my right hand finger nails with my left one. As I realized this I stop myself, pick up the phone then see a message notification from Jazz and I start reading it,
(Message Conversation Started)
Jazz: I think I am going to go mental.
Siya: What happened?
Jazz: One of my friend told me that she won't be able to give me her time, because she is busy. And here my mind start thinking other things, like I am a fool, stupid, I don't deserve love or friends etc. While this happening with me right now I thought of texting you, because I just want to distract my mind as I know you study psychology so may be you can help me.
Siya: (Inside my head, Wow bro she and I feel the same thing. What a coincidence and yeah I am studying psychology, I can help me as well as other may be and why didn't I realize it further) Hey don't over think okay? May be your friend is actually busy, chillax okay. Just be patient.
Jazz: But how?
Siya: Distract your mind babes, do any activities which can exhaust you and you won't be getting anytime to think.
Jazz: Okay, I will try. How are you?
Siya: (Lied) Perfectly fine.
Jazz: Cool. Cya bro I will talk to you later, I have some work to do.
Siya: Okay Cya.
(Message Conversation Ended)
Have you guys, ever heard that giving advices to others is easy but when it comes to do the same thing to yourselves, then you won't be able to do it. And this is what is happening with me now, the moment I keep my phone on the side table and plug the charger in, I start hearing the echo of voices again. To stop that I suddenly slap my head and I felt pain, to my surprise it diverted my mind from the thoughts so, a sudden thought pop up in my mind...
"what if whenever these thoughts/voices I hear next, I will physically hurt myself because pain is distracting me. These voices can be stop and I would be living my life in peace for some time, just by harming my self a bit"
(Note: I know and understand self harming is not good at all but I believe that, when we are trying to fight with our own darkness then we choose many ways to heal or protect ourselves from it but almost all of them take us to the negative route which causes more damage to us.
However, I would suggest you to, read it like a story but if this can trigger your negative feelings, don't read it further but I can assure one thing, positive character development would be there).
After thinking about this, I decide to do a search on how to do little self harm on my laptop and not even for a once I thought that this will damage me more. May be it sound crazy but, our demons works like, somehow they would be pulling you and taking them with you in a way that you would be destroying yourself with your own hands. However, keeping all these thoughts aside I get up from the bed walk towards the washroom and start getting fresh.
In around twenty minutes I come out from the washroom all fresh up and showered up as well, then I leave the room and go towards the kitchen to have my breakfast. I reached their, found my mother making breakfast so, assuming that milk would be warm enough to drink I fill up my glass and take two hide and seek cookies with me. I stand their only, dip them one by one and enjoy the taste of melted chocolate, soon mother's voice disturb my little moment,
Mother: (Genuine smile) Good morning Siya, how are you?
Siya: (I thought for a minute or so, while drinking milk. The thought running in my head is what happened to her suddenly, I mean usually I hear taunts but she is nicely greeting me as well as asking about my well being. I think there is something wrong or she wants me to do something for her) Good morning, I am fine. How are you?
Mother: I am good too so, when Vihaa is coming to teach you?
Siya: (See, I am right see just wanted to know when I am going to start studying again) After two months, she texted me in the morning itself.
Mother: (Taking a frustrated sigh) When will she start teaching you and when will you start preparing for the exam, I hope you know that your exam will happen after four months and we would be glad if you don't fail it again.
Siya: (Here, this started again) Yeah I know and don't worry I try my best to pass it.
Mother: I hope so, now go to dinning hall and sit their, breakfast is almost ready I would serve you there only.
Siya: Okay
I do as she said and after five minutes she come out with breakfast which bread pizza and red sauce pasta. By this time father, Aunt and Granny too, I keep my head down and try to keep my focus on my plate only but I can see from the corner eye, settling them down on the seats and soon I can feel them curiously looking at me. I finish my breakfast in hurry as I am feeling, as if my heart is beating in fast pace, once my breakfast got over I go to the kitchen to clean my plate up and after that I come out, start moving towards my room but steps halted hearing father's voice.
Father: (Sternly) Siya come here and sit back on your your seat as I have something important to discuss with you after my break fast.
Without saying anything I keep my head down only, come to my seat and sit again. The moment I sat here I can feel my racing beats again, leg shaking, I started breaking my left hand finger nails with right one and while this happening I keep looking at my lap only because I am scared what if they see me like this or what if I look in their eyes and they got a chance somehow to scold me.
I probably waited for twenty minutes by this time mother, Aunt & Granny leave the dinning hall and this make me feel a bit relaxed. Soon fathers breakfast got over and he initiated the conversation,
Father: I want you to start sleeping with granny and for this I have few reasons first, she usually stays ill now days so, if you will sleep in her room to keep a watch on her. Secondly, why waste electricity when one of us can sleep with her in her room. Thirdly, I don't trust I mean who knows what you do alone in the room so, this is what I want to discuss.
Siya: (Nervously) But father I am an adult now, I should learn to sleep alone.
Father: I told that you are going to sleep their that's it and yeah would be sleeping their alone only as I am going to put an extra bed their attached to her bed.
Siya: (Defeating) Okay
After his so called discussion with me, he get up from the chair and leave the dining hall. I sit in relaxed position, keep my head at the back rest of the chair and looking at the ceiling, then I closed my eyes and think about how I am going to sleep in Granny's room to this my mind initiated the conversation with me,
Mind: Bro, you are not going to sleep there, you have to keep a watch on her. Remember what father told
Siya: O yeah I forgot.
Mind: I know you are dumb.
Siya: I deserve this bro
After this we both become silent, I get up from the chair and drag myself towards my room. Once, I reached inside the room I locked the door from inside, lay down on my bed, after few minutes of silent my phone started ringing, I stretch toward the side table to pick up the phone. I receive it without seeing the name of the caller...
(Call Conversation Started)
Siya: Yes
Vihaa: Hey Siya are you free before lunch?
Siya: Yeah I am but what happened?
Vihaa: Lets meet up I will pick you we will go for shopping, as today is my holiday?
Siya: Okay cool at what time you want to meet?
Vihaa: we will leave after thirty minutes, you be ready I will pick you up from your home?
Siya: Okay cool
(Call Conversation Ended)
She hang up the phone, a sudden emotion of joy I felt in me. I am feeling so much happy, because someone wanted to be with me, wanted to spend time with me. Honestly, its hard to describe what I am exactly feeling so, keeping my all thoughts aside I get up from the bed and start getting ready in excitement. I get fully ready in ten minutes, leave the room with a wide smile on my face and directly walk in the kitchen to inform my mother about my outing,
Siya: (Cheerful and excitement filled voice) Hey mother, I Am going out with Vihaa for shopping, she is picking me up from here only.
Mother: (Look at me for a brief minute, she has expressions on her face which shows amusement) Okay have fun.
I leave the kitchen, walk toward the main entrance of the house, there I wear my sneakers and get out of the house. I check the final time which say I am five minute early, this much I am happy, excited to meet and go with her. After waiting for eight minutes more sharp she come by, I go and sit in the passenger seat, she started the car. After some minutes she initiated the conversation,
Vihaa: Hey sorry for saying no to the studying session, actually, I want to just spend time with you but not in mood to study because this I need a break from studying.
Siya: (Hesitant and nervous) I.. its okay, I think I enjoy spending time like this rather than studying.
Vihaa: Wow you know, since childhood I never like to study.
Siya: (Innocently) Then what you used to do?
Vihaa: I was in sports, I used to play badminton, football and tennis.
Siya: Wow I used to play football in the college, I was in intercollege team.
Just like this we talk on many small issues and make me feel it at ease, I got comfortable with her. I don't know why but it gives me a feel like as if she is here to heal me. However, soon we reach the mall and there she, starting doing shopping and I start feeling bore because, I feel it to be time wasting when its yours but I keep a smile on my face, which she understands that I guess because next she said,
Vihaa: Do me a favor and bring two espresso for us, go now.
Though, I go and do what she said but when I reach at the coffee counter, I stammered a lot while saying the word but after some time I succeeded in saying it. I took the coffee but when it comes to pay the bill, I found Vihaa standing beside me passing her card to the cashier but she is smiling mischievously at me. After taking our coffee we got settled down on the nearby table, once we got settled down I initiated the conversation,
Siya: What's the reason behind that smile?
Vihaa: Simple I want you to regain your lost confidence and stand on your feats. And you did a little bit of it, after lot of struggles.
Siya: Okay.
Just like this we spend our time here till four in the evening, talking, eating and shopping. At four in the evening we leave the mall, in an hour we reach back home and said our goodbyes. For the first time, I enter in the house smiling. I go directly in the room, all happy and smiling I start changing my dress and getting fresh.
Though, I guess my destiny has other plans as I got so busy in being happy and smiling that I forgot about that from today onwards I would be sleeping with granny. But like it said when we a get even a tinny little happiness then we don't even look at sorrows.
...
However, when happiness stays for too long in once life???