The first morning of Liv's stay, rational and big brotherly Thomas met her at breakfast. He made himself and her strong, black coffee, told her he was fine and that she could go home now. This facade cracked up at lunch, when Liv cooked him spaghetti with meatballs - one of the few meals she mastered. In the end, he got most of the meatballs thrown at himself for refusing to touch them and attempting to head out and smoke instead. They did not speak a word for the rest of the day.
The second morning, a busy and nonchalant Thomas awoke. All day and afternoon he sat occupied in work-calls, practically ignoring her, only to leave when night fell. He returned late, drunk, with hazy, bitter eyes, glaring at her upon realising she was still there.
"What's it gonna take, huh?", he muttered.
Liv lied down innocently, stretched out on the floor. She had been FaceTiming Wilma but quickly hung up and glared back.
"When I start to recognise you I'll leave. When you become yourself again", she stated sternly. "For real?", he snarled, "Did it ever occur to you this is me, the real me? What you've seen before is just the PG13 version of me."
"I know what you're really like, Tommy, and this ain't it. For starters your drunk and..."
"When I become myself", he imitated her cruelly, "Now what is this, Liv's self love camp?" "Honestly you're being so ungrateful!", she snapped, feeling particularly resentful for having been ignored all day.
"Yes but see I didn't ask for you to COME HERE!"
The last words were shouted out in frustration. Liv's eyes widened and she sat up, backing away from him slightly. Then she immediately tried to cover up the fact that he had frightened her. Even drunk off his head he noticed it and sunk down to the floor, gave her a devastated look.
"Fuck, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. This it what I want to avoid. This is why you need to leave, see. I can't have you scared of me, I really can't. Arvid would kill me..."
"Hey it's fine. I already said I'm staying. No matter what happens or how you act."
Still her voice was a little bit shaky.
Thomas rested his back against the seating pad of the sofa next to her on the floor. Liv hating herself for having been scared of him for a second, Thomas despising himself for having scared her.
"Jesus, I'm so sorry", he whispered again.
"It's fine."
Despite the fact that she had laid her head on his shoulder to corroborate this, he wrestled out the words:
"You just... Please, you just have to know that I'd never... I'd never ever touch you Liv. I mean... not... I mean hurt you."
She blushed and nodded heftily.
"Of course I know that."
"Promise?"
"Yeah."
"'Cause you really promise or 'cause I'm making you promise?"
"Come on Tommy. You yelled at me and I got a bit thrown off guard, that's it. It's nothing, really." "Yes but I don't yell at people. 'Specially not you, Livs", he mumbled.
It was quiet for a long time.
"Can't you tell me what's going on with you?"
This request made him smile slightly.
"You think I know? Heaven knows I don't."
"Try! Just try and tell me what's going on inside your head, right now."
Thomas looked at her, clearly amused.
"Well... I'm thinking it's late... it's late and you shouldn't be sitting here listening to your brother's drunk friend's rambling."
Liv rolled her eyes and suppressed the stab in her chest the referring to himself as her brother's friend caused.
"Dig a little deeper for me, won't you?"
He frowned a bit and then his face turned dead serious.
"I- well I feel ashamed. I'm too old to be doing this depressed teenage-routine, way to fucking old... but I just can't... I can't..."
His voice broke and Liv searched his eyes worriedly but it seemed he was somewhere else all of a sudden.
"Hey, that's all valid, what you feel right now is val..."
"See that's just the thing. It isn't! What I feel is not only invalid it's... Liv, you would be disgusted, you would hate me, never want to see me again."
She misinterpreted him.
"Tommy... Thomas, have you been thinking about... about killing yourself?", she choked out.
That was not what he had expected.
"Why would you think that?"
"I thought that's what you meant."
"No. Not per se, I haven't considered it."
"But you hurt yourself, consciously."
"I'm coping."
Liv snorted.
"Coping by killing yourself."
"Listen, you don't need to worry about me. I don't want you to worry about me. You're too young to be worried about someone being suicidal."
He was getting annoyed again.
"Well tough shit. I do. You're not being fair. See you were too young to be left alone with a man like your father. You were too young to be abused. By the time you were sixteen you'd been through worse than I'll ever be."
"So why are you so goddamned determined to get my tar all over yourself. You're not... You're clean, you're not fucked up and you should stay that way!"
He was aware of how how melodramatic he sounded but it was true, it was exactly how it felt. "Stop talking about yourself like you're a fucking disease! The fact that you were abused doesn't make you tainted or dirty or cursed."
Thomas face tensed, clearly she was striking a nerve.
"You deserve everything, Thomas."
Having no idea from where she got the courage, she grabbed his hand and he looked at her alarmed.
"Look it's just the same. No webbed fingers or blood", she murmured, her palm to his.
He gave her a grave look, pulled his hand away.
"You're being naive Liv."
She noticed his breath hitched on her name.