Thomas's phone lit up. Normally he would not have noticed because the sound was currently off and he ought to have been asleep, but sleep would not come these last days. He had been lying awake, staring up at the ceiling for hours.
When he saw Liv's name on the screen his heart started to thump with so much force, he actually feared it might wake up Arvid for a moment. Remaining sound asleep however, his best friend lied there in the bed next to him. His back was bared towards Thomas and he suddenly envisioned himself plunging a knife into the soft skin between Arvid's shoulder blades. A shiver ran down his spine and he shook his head slightly, attempting to shrug off the image but the sour, guilty taste remained in his mouth. In fact it never went away these days. He picked up his phone instead, willing his hands not to shake.
"Can I see you somewhere?", the text spelled out.
His first thought was to ignore it. Ignore it and pretend he never got it - because it would be stupid, incredibly stupid of him and Liv to meet by themselves in Maria's house, where both her and Arvid could easily happen to see or hear them. They could not go outside either, because the sound of the house-door would probably rouse attention.
Of course there was his old bathroom trick. Heart thumping even quicker, he convinced himself it was only like a 99% bad idea and texted her back: "Bathroom in 5?"
"Ok", he almost immediately got back.
This was supposedly an opportunity to put an end to this nonsense, he thought, and get her to agree on, confirm how stupid it had been. If she could only tell him something bad enough.
"I feel disgusting", or "I wish it never happened."
That might be just about enough to rouse him from the sticky, all absorbing memory of what it had been like, kissing her, touching her. She hadn't called him disgusting then, she had in fact said she was into him. It must've have been something he dreamt up. Either that or she was pulling tricks on him. Maybe that was the very same thing she had told Rasmus just minutes before. Pain split straight through him along with the image of Liv kissing Rasmus, his hands on the small of her back, drawing her in.
Did you think for a second it might've actually meant something to her? That you mean something to her? No, he was just a creep and he should have said no, prevented it, not indulged in her childish game.
Liv had avoided him and Arvid eagerly these last couple days and when she was around she stayed alone in her room. Assumably due to regret and awkwardness. That was why she wanted to meet him now, in all likeliness, to make sure he would never try anything like that with her again.
He got up, put a t-shirt on and snuck out towards the bathroom. Liv was already standing outside it, looking sleepy.
He herded her inside, locked the door and turned on the shower.
"You won't tell him anything will you? About Rasmus or... or even Melvin?", she whispered immediately, urgently taking a step closer to him.
That was not what he had expected. She wasn't even worried about what had happened between her and him. It meant nothing to her. Her brown eyes were wide and keen and strands of her tousled hair, most of it tied up in a knot, fell over them. He took a step back, hearing but not feeling his back hit the door, in order to keep the distance.
"I promise I won't. Don't worry about it."
"I don't it's just... You don't sleep very well either do you?"
Thomas shrugged despite knowing his under eye circles spoke for themselves. Liv started to pace, as well as she could, across the small area of tiled floor.
"I feel like shit, I really do because I can't even be around him. And I feel even worse because I got you mixed up in it too and..."
"You didn't get me mixed up. I got myself mixed up."
He was unsure if they were talking about her and him or her and Rasmus, or perhaps both. Due to the fact that every time she said Rasmus's name it felt as if someone was running a stake through his heart, he was eager to keep her off the subject.
"Yes but..."
"Listen Liv, you need to keep yourself in check. If you're going to avoid him, make up a good reason. He's suspecting something is up with you."
It had come out more strategic and rude than he had intended and she looked a bit hurt.
"Wow. Thanks for the tip."
"Sorry I..."
"No. Don't be sorry. Who better to teach me to put up a proper act than you. You clearly aren't bothered at all."
Those words angered him. God, she had no idea.
"I am. I just do my best to prevent Arvid from noticing."
Liv rolled her eyes.
"How noble of you, but you see, I'm afraid I don't possess your ice-cold, impeccable acting ability, Tommy."
"It's not an acting ability it's determination!", he snapped, voice slightly raised, "And you should really start working on yours."
"I try Thomas!", her voice cracked in frustration and he gave a start at the sound of her shouting his name like that, "I really, really try but I... I just can't get it out of my mind. I can't stop thinking about it and it's fucking painful to see how it doesn't faze you at all and..."
He put his hand to his forehead.
"Faze me? Why would you think I'd be so damn guilt burdened by keeping from Arvid that you have been fooling around with Rasmus and Melvin? It's none of my fucking business."
She gave him an almost hateful look.
"Are you really that blind!? I'm not talking about that, that was nothing. It's you... idiot. I kissed you and now it's all I can think of."
Crestfallen Thomas stood, arms falling down to his sides, simply staring in disbelief at Liv, who looked completely devastated and grabbed at the sink with her hands to support herself. There was no way, there was just no way. It would never truly be fathomable for him.
"But you don't care, do you? You've already forgotten about it. It was nothing to you, huh?", she whispered, avoiding looking at him.
The way the muscles in her face couldn't hide how pained she was became too much for him. All because she thought he did not care.
He felt compelled to convince her that he did care, more than care, even though he knew it would have been better if she had kept on believing the opposite.
"Liv I... It hasn't been easy for me, repressing what happened."
"Now don't fucking lie to me! Don't pull your fucking tricks on me like you always do. You're just messing with me again", she spat but was interrupted by him cupping her face with both his hands.
"I've been trying to repress things for a long time. Long before we kissed. It's plagued me for a long time, do you understand? It's all I can think about."
He spoke slowly, almost absentmindedly. Liv looked very bewildered.
"It's all I think about too and I feel sick all the time because it's just pure fucking madness", his voice turned hard and angry, "I spend all my time with him lying through my teeth. He's the most important, the best person I ever met. He's saved my life more times than- and how do I thank him? By sinking my claws into you, his little sister, like a disgusting, predatory..."
Now he was the one pacing but she stopped him in his tracks by lightly touching his shoulders. The look on her face was disbelieving.
"It's all you think about..?", she whispered so quietly it was almost just a mouthing.
Thomas looked at her so tiredly, so defeatedly and when the first tears rolled down from his devastated blue eyes he blinked and recoiled from her hands as if they had burnt him. He was devastatingly beautiful, and crying, crying in her mother's bathroom. Carefully she walked closer, stroked away some of the quiet tears running down his cheeks. She was pretty stunned as this was the first time she had ever seen him cry, maybe anyone had seen him cry, she thought. Gently she bent closer, grazed his face with her lips, kissed his tears away.
"Hey. Please don't feel like your disgusting. You know I'm just as disgusting then because I can't get it out of my mind either", she informed him softly but he shook his head.
"You're seventeen, Livvy. I'm supposed to draw the fucking line. I should have drawn it a hundred miles ago but instead I've been leading you on, manipulating you, unconsciously I think but still... Even right now it feels like I'm manipulating you. I am just by saying these things."
"Well for the record I don't feel manipulated."
"People who are being manipulated rarely d..."
Liv pressed her lips against his so that the last words got muffled. Thomas wrapped his arms around her gingerly and moved backwards, his back against the door again, drawing her with him.
"I can't... We can't..."
Despite these anguished words he leant back his head while Liv trailed kisses down his neck to his collarbones, and suddenly he was almost laughing through the tears.
Then they both froze and she clapped one of her hands over his mouth and the other one over her own. Steps were approaching from the hallway and then someone knocked on the door.
"You showering, Livvy?"
It was Maria.
"Yes! And I'm naked! Very naked! Don't come in!"
Liv exclaimed these panicked words while staring into Thomas's eyes, who gave the impression he was calm and relaxed. However, the rapidly beating pulse, visible on his throat, proved he was panic-struck.
"Alrighty. You have to do it in the middle of the night? Sort of woke me up."
"Sorry, mom! I'll be finished in a minute."
The steps went away and Thomas detangled himself from her hands, went to increase the amount of water flowing from the shower head.
Then he turned back to her, this time with a gathered and stern look on his face.
"We can not be doing this in... God, in your mother's bathroom."
"Hey it's my bathroom too...", Liv muttered but her voice trailed off when she saw Thomas's jaded expression.
"For real. How do I... How do we prevent this from ever happening again because I... Please tell me how because I don't... I don't know..."
At the end of the sentence his voice faltered and he put his head in his hands, sitting down at the edge of the tub. Liv wanted nothing more than to come near him again, console him in his apparent frustration and sorrow by touching him but she felt sure that was not what he needed nor wanted. Still her whole being ached when she saw the sheer anxiety his entire body radiated. She thought through all the potential possibilities of easing it, coming up with the one and only solution.
"I'll stay away from you then", she said, her voice sounding numb and distant.
Thomas lifted his head and looked at her with so much pain she had to look away.
"If it was just about me and Arvid... maybe... but it's not. You're right. I can't mess up what you two mean to one another. I'd never forgive myself...", she continued, gaze focused on one of the yellow flowers on the shower curtain.
Then before he had time to say anything more she kissed him hastily on the cheek, spun on her heel and slipped out the door, making sure to close it behind her.
Thomas waited half an hour before he too snuck back to Arvid's room, silent but furious tears still running down his face.