01:23 am Thomas's phone lit up. Normally, he wouldn't have been aware, because the sound was currently off and he didn't really like to be up late, but sleep would not come. In fact, it hadn't at all these last nights. Staring up at the ceiling throughout the night, he had had to stretch out and greet Arvid good morning when the sun rose, pretending to have just woken up and to be well-rested.
When he saw that it was Liv's name on the screen his heart started to thump with so much force he irrationally feared it might wake up Arvid for a moment. Remaining sound asleep however, his best friend lied there in the bed next to him, one leg flung outside of the covers and hair an auburn mess. His back was bared towards Thomas and he suddenly envisioned himself plunging a knife into the soft skin between Arvid's shoulder blades. A shiver ran down his spine and he shook his head slightly, attempting to shrug away the intrusive image. Still, the sour, guilty taste remained in his mouth, only worsening as he picked up his phone, willing his hands not to shake.
"Need to talk to you. Can I see you somewhere?", the text spelled out.
Initially, his first thought was to ignore it. Ignore it and pretend he never got it - because it would be stupid, incredibly stupid of him and Liv to meet by themselves in Maria's house, where both herself and Arvid could easily happen to see or hear them. They couldn't go outside either, because the sound of the house-door would likely rouse attention. The idea of Liv tossing and turning in her bed nagged at him, though. What was she doing awake when she had school tomorrow? Ever since Arvid had pointed out that she was acting different and speculated that it might be connected to Lars somehow, he had realized it had been nonchalant of him to not have followed up with her after the incident. Was that the right word? The sexual assault, a nasty voice in the back of his head said. What if she felt violated and was having flashbacks? Christ, he needed to see her.
Of course, there was the old bathroom trick he knew bulimics used. Heart thumping even quicker, he convinced himself it was only like a 99% bad idea and texted her back: "Bathroom in 5?"
"Ok", he almost immediately got back and so he got up, put a t-shirt on and moved slowly and as soundlessly as he possibly could towards the stairs and to the basement bathroom. A sleepy Liv was already standing outside it and he herded her inside, locked the door and turned the shower on full speed.
"You're not planning to tell him anything are you?", she whispered immediately, urgently taking a step closer to him.
Her brown eyes were suddenly wide and keen and strands of her tousled hair, most of it tied up in a knot, fell over them. Taking a step back in order to keep the distance, he heard but didn't feel his back hit the door.
"I don't know."
"He'd go absolutely nuts, I just know it and it's just so stupid because that thing before... with Rasmus, it didn't even mean anything."
The truth was that Liv had wanted to find a way to tell Thomas just that for every second of every day since that night. It didn't really seem to register however, because he was simply staring blankly at her.
"I won't tell him about Rasmus. That's none of my business."
Back to square one, she thought exasperatedly.
"See it kinda is. 'Cause the whole reason I kissed him was to convince him I wasn't into you."
That made his gaze sharpen ever so slightly.
"Why would he think th..."
"Because he figured I am. And I am. I've been for quite a while I think. And it's shit timing telling you now with Arvid being back, I know that but..."
After what felt like a long time he was able to make sense of what she was saying and started to shake is head, feeling delirious.
"Whatever it is you think you think... I... that's... I haven't been thinking about you... enough. In this. You're sure to be confused. You thought you could trust me and then for me to not only exploit that trust but to then fail to acknowledge it properly."
"Exploit? What are you talking about?", she stammered.
"I shouldn't have... done that. That."
"Yeah we covered that last time, I got it. And for the record, I was there too, I was in on it too. We shouldn't have done that."
"No, see I'm supposed to draw the fucking line and now you're somehow spinning the story to cope with... Christ. Is this keeping you up? Did it trigger any memories or feelings from last summer?"
Through the haze of her tired, whirling thoughts she was slowly able to make out what he meant and froze as she did so, her entire body going rigid.
"Why the hell would you think that? Why the fuck would you draw that parallell?"
"Liv... I...", he attempted.
"How fucking dare you compare what happened to that?"
"I'm not comparing, it's just that you obviously don't sleep, and it's keeping you from spending time with Arvid."
"Because I don't want to bother you, that's all. You know Rasmus said..."
Another ripple of pain ran through him at the sound of his name in her mouth.
"He said that Arvid would figure it out, that I'm into you, so I figured I'd do best to just stay away from both of you for now", she said and blushed, turning her head away slightly in shame.
"You're not...", delirium again, why did she keep saying that?, "Why were you even discussing this with him in the first place? Whatever, bottom line is..."
At the perception of his voice turning flat and lecturing again she came closer to him, backed him into the bathroom door and gave him an angry kiss and as she pulled away he felt her shaky breath on his throat and neck.
No words came to him but he was shaking his head, closing his eyes, yet, almost unconsciously tilting his neck so that his forehead was resting heavily on her shoulder. A sign of hesitant surrender.
"Can we agree I did that this time?", she mumbled accusingly, pressing her palms to his cheeks and lifting his face up so she could look in his eyes, "And I don't ever want to hear you compare this, you and me, to what happened with Alice's dad again, or Rasmus for that matter. It's not the same in any conceivable way. Understand?"
The mere thought seemed abhorring to her and she kissed his neck, reproachfully again and how had this gotten so out of hand? When he opened his mouth she made a hushing sound, dragged her nose over his collarbone and slid a hand under the side of his shirt and somewhere around then he lost all sense of willpower to put an end to it.
"Thomas?", she whispered
He spoke slowly, almost absentmindedly. Liv looked very bewildered.
"It's all I think about too and I feel sick all the time because it's just pure fucking madness", his voice turned hard and angry, "I spend all my time with him lying through my teeth. He's the most important, the best person I ever met. He's saved my life more times than- and how do I thank him? By sinking my claws into you, his little sister, like a disgusting, predatory..."
Now he was the one pacing but she stopped him in his tracks by lightly touching his shoulders. The look on her face was disbelieving.
Just then, surprised, he found that something wet was running down his face and apparently Liv had discovered it too because she gasped lightly.
"It's all you think about..?", she whispered so quietly it was almost just a mouthing.
Thomas looked at her so tiredly, so defeatedly and when the first tears rolled down from his devastated blue eyes he blinked and recoiled from her hands as if they had burnt him. He was devastatingly beautiful, and crying, crying in her mother's bathroom. Carefully she walked closer, stroked away some of the quiet tears running down his cheeks. She was pretty stunned as this was the first time she had ever seen him cry, maybe anyone had seen him cry, she thought. Gently she bent closer, grazed his face with her lips, kissed his tears away.
Despite these anguished words he leant back his head while Liv trailed kisses down his neck to his collarbones, and suddenly he was almost laughing through the tears.
Then they both froze and she clapped one of her hands over his mouth and the other one over her own. Steps were approaching from the hallway and then someone knocked on the door.
"You showering, Livvy?"
It was Maria.
"Yes! And I'm naked! Very naked! Don't come in!"
Liv exclaimed these panicked words while staring into Thomas's eyes, who gave the impression he was calm and relaxed. However, the rapidly beating pulse, visible on his throat, proved he was panic-struck.
"Alrighty. You have to do it in the middle of the night? Sort of woke me up."
"Sorry, mom! I'll be finished in a minute."
The steps went away and Thomas detangled himself from her hands, went to increase the amount of water flowing from the shower head.
Then he turned back to her, this time with a gathered and stern look on his face.
"We can not be doing this in... God, in your mother's bathroom."
"Hey it's my bathroom too...", Liv muttered but her voice trailed off when she saw Thomas's jaded expression.
"For real. How do I... How do we prevent this from ever happening again because I... Please tell me how because I don't... I don't know..."
At the end of the sentence his voice faltered and he put his head in his hands, sitting down at the edge of the tub. Liv wanted nothing more than to come near him again, console him in his apparent frustration and sorrow by touching him but she felt sure that was not what he needed nor wanted. Still her whole being ached when she saw the sheer anxiety his entire body radiated. She thought through all the potential possibilities of easing it, coming up with the one and only solution.
"I'll stay away from you then", she said, her voice sounding numb and distant.
Thomas lifted his head and looked at her with so much pain she had to look away.
"If it was just about me and Arvid... maybe... but it's not. You're right. I can't mess up what you two mean to one another. I'd never forgive myself...", she continued, gaze focused on one of the yellow flowers on the shower curtain.
Then before he had time to say anything more she kissed him hastily on the cheek, spun on her heel and slipped out the door, making sure to close it behind her.
Thomas waited half an hour before he too snuck back to Arvid's room, silent but furious tears still running down his face.